Inside Out
Page 23
“He’s adding a piece with each milestone?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I know some might think it’s silly to place so much importance on finishing a paper or whatever. But considering where my life has been, they’re huge steps.”
“They are. I agree. So how are you? I mean really?”
She looked at him in the quiet dark and thought about the million ways she could answer that question. “Depends on what you’re asking.”
He took her hand and she let him, liking that he held her without crushing her, but also with some pressure. The scent rising from the inside of his suit coat made her feel drunk. He smelled really good, making it hard to think clearly without just sniffing him.
“I’m asking whatever you want to answer.” He paused for a while, and she let him. “I figure it this way, you’re surrounded by people who care about you, and they are afraid to stir up bad feelings. So they don’t talk about it, the attack and your recovery. Now, it could be you don’t want to talk about it ever again, and I respect that. But I figure it could also be that you’d like to talk about it every once in a while with someone who has watched you triumph over a series of events that would have driven a lesser person to insanity.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat.
“I’m good. With everything.” She shrugged and continued to look out over the water. “Two years ago I didn’t even know if I’d be able to walk again. Hell, five years ago I had to ask for permission to wear a certain sweater or even answer the phone.” She hadn’t meant to reveal that last bit.
He held her hand and said nothing.
“I’m nearly done with all this school. I may have a job when the new year starts. I have friends and family who care about me.” She sipped her champagne, draining it.
“I’ll be back in a moment. Don’t move!” He got up and jogged around the bend. While he was out of sight, she gave in and let herself bounce her knee to free some of her nervous energy. Damn, he got to her. Maybe it was the way he was so steadfast and strong. Or his voice. Or the way he focused so totally on her, listening to what she said. Or the way he looked. Whatever it was, he left her scatterbrained and blurty.
He came back into view with an armful of things.
“First.” He put the things down on the bench before unfurling a blanket. “Here, this should help. Adrian told me to let you know he has more if you need them.” He sat again, getting tucked in beneath it with her. He then handed her another glass, this one warm. “Mulled wine. Erin says it’s her best recipe and to drink an extra mug for her.”
Ella laughed. “Done.” She sipped, the warmth trailing down her throat and into her belly. “She wasn’t lying.”
“Last, I’m so hungry I thought a plate of a few somethings might help.”
“Thank you.” She ducked her head with a smile.
“You’re welcome.” He tucked some of her hair behind her ear and got lost in the feel of his fingertip brushing over the skin just behind her earlobe. He swallowed and moved his hand away.
“For everything. I mean, you’re a great listener.”
“You’re my friend, Ella. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”
She turned to face him, tucking one of her legs beneath her. “I know that. You’re an honorable person. I respect that. It’s just hard sometimes, hard to say what’s inside because it sounds so bad.” She blinked back tears. “I’m mostly past it, but there’s still shame. I’m still afraid, even though I have no reason to be. I hate that.”
6
“Scared how?” He’d deal with the shame part later. An engagement party probably wasn’t the place for that. But he could help her with the fear; it’s what he did for a living, after all.
“Putting my work hat on for a bit, I looked your place over, just quickly, when I was there earlier. You have good locks. The building is old, but it’s well lit. I checked some crime stats, and the neighborhood you’re in has a really low crime rate, especially violent crimes. You’re three floors up, which makes the fact that you have all those windows much less of a problem.”
“It’s not that. It’s not a fear like that. It’s ...” She chewed her lip for a moment. “I know all those things. I appreciate that you looked. I feel safe in the building. I feel safe at work. I don’t go around worried all the time. Even when I’m at work and a client goes crazy, I can handle it.”
“Because you’re an eminently capable person. Hello.”
“Ha. Not so much, not all the time anyway.”
“So what do you mean then?”
“This is embarrassing.”
“Then don’t go on if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put you on the spot. I just wanted you to know I was around to hear whatever you wanted to say. Or not.”
She chewed her lip for long moments, and then she blurted, “Sometimes, totally out of the blue, I go to the grocery store in the middle of the day, and I get so freaked out I can’t get out of the car. I don’t like that . . . that uncertainty in my life.”
Ah, there it was. Control, or lack of it. That’s what drove her now, and he got it. He could help her take control.
He exhaled softly, taking her hand again, sliding his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. Funny how fragile she felt and what a contrast it made with how strong she really was. “Give yourself a break. First and foremost, Ella, beautiful and strong, let yourself be f**ked up. A little. It’s okay.”
She nodded. “Yeah. I know some might think it’s silly to place so much importance on finishing a paper or whatever. But considering where my life has been, they’re huge steps.”
“They are. I agree. So how are you? I mean really?”
She looked at him in the quiet dark and thought about the million ways she could answer that question. “Depends on what you’re asking.”
He took her hand and she let him, liking that he held her without crushing her, but also with some pressure. The scent rising from the inside of his suit coat made her feel drunk. He smelled really good, making it hard to think clearly without just sniffing him.
“I’m asking whatever you want to answer.” He paused for a while, and she let him. “I figure it this way, you’re surrounded by people who care about you, and they are afraid to stir up bad feelings. So they don’t talk about it, the attack and your recovery. Now, it could be you don’t want to talk about it ever again, and I respect that. But I figure it could also be that you’d like to talk about it every once in a while with someone who has watched you triumph over a series of events that would have driven a lesser person to insanity.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat.
“I’m good. With everything.” She shrugged and continued to look out over the water. “Two years ago I didn’t even know if I’d be able to walk again. Hell, five years ago I had to ask for permission to wear a certain sweater or even answer the phone.” She hadn’t meant to reveal that last bit.
He held her hand and said nothing.
“I’m nearly done with all this school. I may have a job when the new year starts. I have friends and family who care about me.” She sipped her champagne, draining it.
“I’ll be back in a moment. Don’t move!” He got up and jogged around the bend. While he was out of sight, she gave in and let herself bounce her knee to free some of her nervous energy. Damn, he got to her. Maybe it was the way he was so steadfast and strong. Or his voice. Or the way he focused so totally on her, listening to what she said. Or the way he looked. Whatever it was, he left her scatterbrained and blurty.
He came back into view with an armful of things.
“First.” He put the things down on the bench before unfurling a blanket. “Here, this should help. Adrian told me to let you know he has more if you need them.” He sat again, getting tucked in beneath it with her. He then handed her another glass, this one warm. “Mulled wine. Erin says it’s her best recipe and to drink an extra mug for her.”
Ella laughed. “Done.” She sipped, the warmth trailing down her throat and into her belly. “She wasn’t lying.”
“Last, I’m so hungry I thought a plate of a few somethings might help.”
“Thank you.” She ducked her head with a smile.
“You’re welcome.” He tucked some of her hair behind her ear and got lost in the feel of his fingertip brushing over the skin just behind her earlobe. He swallowed and moved his hand away.
“For everything. I mean, you’re a great listener.”
“You’re my friend, Ella. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”
She turned to face him, tucking one of her legs beneath her. “I know that. You’re an honorable person. I respect that. It’s just hard sometimes, hard to say what’s inside because it sounds so bad.” She blinked back tears. “I’m mostly past it, but there’s still shame. I’m still afraid, even though I have no reason to be. I hate that.”
6
“Scared how?” He’d deal with the shame part later. An engagement party probably wasn’t the place for that. But he could help her with the fear; it’s what he did for a living, after all.
“Putting my work hat on for a bit, I looked your place over, just quickly, when I was there earlier. You have good locks. The building is old, but it’s well lit. I checked some crime stats, and the neighborhood you’re in has a really low crime rate, especially violent crimes. You’re three floors up, which makes the fact that you have all those windows much less of a problem.”
“It’s not that. It’s not a fear like that. It’s ...” She chewed her lip for a moment. “I know all those things. I appreciate that you looked. I feel safe in the building. I feel safe at work. I don’t go around worried all the time. Even when I’m at work and a client goes crazy, I can handle it.”
“Because you’re an eminently capable person. Hello.”
“Ha. Not so much, not all the time anyway.”
“So what do you mean then?”
“This is embarrassing.”
“Then don’t go on if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put you on the spot. I just wanted you to know I was around to hear whatever you wanted to say. Or not.”
She chewed her lip for long moments, and then she blurted, “Sometimes, totally out of the blue, I go to the grocery store in the middle of the day, and I get so freaked out I can’t get out of the car. I don’t like that . . . that uncertainty in my life.”
Ah, there it was. Control, or lack of it. That’s what drove her now, and he got it. He could help her take control.
He exhaled softly, taking her hand again, sliding his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. Funny how fragile she felt and what a contrast it made with how strong she really was. “Give yourself a break. First and foremost, Ella, beautiful and strong, let yourself be f**ked up. A little. It’s okay.”
