Jaden
Page 9
I said it, and then I waited. My heart dropped. The joke wasn’t a good one, and when I only heard silence from them, I knew they agreed. I shrugged. “What? Not even a pity laugh?”
Corrigan pressed his lips together and turned away.
Bryce shook his head, sighing. “Are you serious?”
“Come on. It’s fucking awkward right now.”
Corrigan looked back. “Yeah, guess whose fault that is? Not him or me. I know that much.”
Bryce jerked his head up and down, and as the two were now standing next to each other, both turned toward me, waiting for my response, I didn’t like this image. They were gorgeous. Bryce’s jet-black hair had grown out, but not much. He had it spiked up, while Corrigan’s hair had a little curl in it. Bryce was wearing a black shirt and jeans, and Corrigan had on a white polo over jeans. Both of them were lean with an athletic build, but Bryce had more definition. His soccer training had built his body into a machine that was for speed and strength, but he was so damn alert. His eyes were clear and focused solely on me, while Corrigan had a hurtful glint in his. However, they were still waiting for my response as I continued to stand and admire them.
In that moment, I felt like it was them versus me. Fuck me. I’d lose if that were the case. Rolling my shoulders back, I lifted my chin. “What?”
A wall slid over Corrigan’s face, and Bryce rolled his eyes. He muttered, “Are you kidding me?”
“Look,” I started, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I gestured around the room. “You’re here. I hate my dad, but his place is kick-ass. Can we put on a movie and forget about real life for two hours?”
“No.”
Corrigan muttered, “That’ll make it more awkward.”
“I’m not enjoying this conversation.”
“Are you supposed to?” Bryce shot back at me.
I was startled by the fierceness in his tone and saw that Corrigan seemed to agree with him. Both were staring back at me with heated expressions.
“No.” I took a breath, readying myself. This conversation was going to happen. “Okay. Fine. I don’t know what to say. Nothing’s changed.”
They glanced at each other, and Corrigan said, “I think we just want to know what page we’re all on.”
I loved them both. That was the page, but I said, “You never shared your page with me, so I have no idea.”
Bryce backed up a step.
Corrigan frowned. “And I said I didn’t want to say anything until you—”
“Just fucking tell her,” Bryce cut in. His shoulders were so rigid. “He loves you. I love you. And you haven’t picked one yet.”
Oh god. A sick sensation shot through me, all the way down to my feet. We were back to this, but who was I fooling? I needed to choose, but I couldn’t lose the other one.
They were both waiting, watching me.
I pressed a hand to my stomach. “I can’t, you guys. I can’t pick, especially now. I need both of you.”
“Sheldon,” Bryce’s voice softened, and he glanced sideways to Corrigan, “I think we’ll both agree that the other one won’t leave. We love you, and we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else during this thing. We need you as much as you need us.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know myself. “Guys . . . please . . .”
“You need to pick.” Corrigan stepped forward. “It’s not fair to us. You know that.”
“No.”
Bryce cast Corrigan a look. “I think we can wait, at least during this time. I know I won’t be able to go anywhere anyway.”
Corrigan turned back to him. “Are you serious? You’re okay with just waiting and not knowing?”
“What’s the alternative?” Bryce gestured to me. “She doesn’t know. Look at her. You can see the panic in her eyes.”
I frowned. He was right.
He continued, “She needs both of us, Cor. If she picks me, would you really stick around? I would, but damn, it would hurt. This isn’t about us anyway. It’s about what Sheldon needs.”
Corrigan bit out, “Easy for you to say. You’re the one she’ll probably be screwing while she sneaks into my bed to be held.” A nerve on the side of his jaw clenched outward. “I don’t know about you, but that’s a different torture all on its own.”
“You’d rather have her pick? During this time? She’ll feel cut off from the other one, and I’m sorry, but if she’s found guilty, this might be our last time to spend with her. I don’t want it defined and not be able to hold her.”
My eyes got big. A new surge of panic drenched my insides with ice water. “Guilty?”
He swiftly turned to me. “I didn’t mean that, but.” He paused, looking down at the ground. “Someone set you up, Sheldon. What if we can’t find out who did that? What then? I’m just . . . if you pick Corrigan, I can’t spend this time with you and not be able to hold you.” An anguished tone came to him. “Maybe that’s me being selfish, but I can’t do that. Even if you pick Corrigan, I still won’t be able to stay away.”
He held my gaze. Even though a few feet separated us, I felt like I was in the palm of his hand. He was holding me, stroking me, making me feel safe. Making me feel loved. My chest tightened. Then it exploded inside me. I loved Bryce. I never stopped, but it had been shoved down and numbed. With that, memories of our past came at me, and I was right back there on the day Marcus was in my home. I closed my eyes, but images of Corrigan stabbed and bleeding on the floor wouldn’t go away. That sickening feeling. Fearing for his life, wondering if my best friend was going to die, knowing the guy responsible was still in my home, and he was going to get away.
I wanted to hunt him down, like he had hunted me down. The need for revenge, to take his life, had overwhelmed me. Bryce, too. He turned the tape off when I found Marcus and provoked him. It looked like self-defense, but the truth was, that I had killed him.
Oh god. I didn’t want to remember that day, what we had done, what I had done. I turned away.
“Sheldon.” Bryce started for me.
I shot a hand up, stopping him. “Don’t. Please. Don’t.”
My shoulders lifted up and down, as I tried not to dry-heave. We killed him. Together. I’d been trying to forget that day for years, but I couldn’t. I loved Bryce, but I couldn’t forget what we had done, and the two were intertwined. That’s why I put so much distance between us. If loving Bryce meant remembering that day, I had chosen to forget one if it meant forgetting the other, but my god, I couldn’t forget how much I loved Bryce. It had never gone away, and just now, just this look from him, had unlocked the box again.
Corrigan pressed his lips together and turned away.
Bryce shook his head, sighing. “Are you serious?”
“Come on. It’s fucking awkward right now.”
Corrigan looked back. “Yeah, guess whose fault that is? Not him or me. I know that much.”
Bryce jerked his head up and down, and as the two were now standing next to each other, both turned toward me, waiting for my response, I didn’t like this image. They were gorgeous. Bryce’s jet-black hair had grown out, but not much. He had it spiked up, while Corrigan’s hair had a little curl in it. Bryce was wearing a black shirt and jeans, and Corrigan had on a white polo over jeans. Both of them were lean with an athletic build, but Bryce had more definition. His soccer training had built his body into a machine that was for speed and strength, but he was so damn alert. His eyes were clear and focused solely on me, while Corrigan had a hurtful glint in his. However, they were still waiting for my response as I continued to stand and admire them.
In that moment, I felt like it was them versus me. Fuck me. I’d lose if that were the case. Rolling my shoulders back, I lifted my chin. “What?”
A wall slid over Corrigan’s face, and Bryce rolled his eyes. He muttered, “Are you kidding me?”
“Look,” I started, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I gestured around the room. “You’re here. I hate my dad, but his place is kick-ass. Can we put on a movie and forget about real life for two hours?”
“No.”
Corrigan muttered, “That’ll make it more awkward.”
“I’m not enjoying this conversation.”
“Are you supposed to?” Bryce shot back at me.
I was startled by the fierceness in his tone and saw that Corrigan seemed to agree with him. Both were staring back at me with heated expressions.
“No.” I took a breath, readying myself. This conversation was going to happen. “Okay. Fine. I don’t know what to say. Nothing’s changed.”
They glanced at each other, and Corrigan said, “I think we just want to know what page we’re all on.”
I loved them both. That was the page, but I said, “You never shared your page with me, so I have no idea.”
Bryce backed up a step.
Corrigan frowned. “And I said I didn’t want to say anything until you—”
“Just fucking tell her,” Bryce cut in. His shoulders were so rigid. “He loves you. I love you. And you haven’t picked one yet.”
Oh god. A sick sensation shot through me, all the way down to my feet. We were back to this, but who was I fooling? I needed to choose, but I couldn’t lose the other one.
They were both waiting, watching me.
I pressed a hand to my stomach. “I can’t, you guys. I can’t pick, especially now. I need both of you.”
“Sheldon,” Bryce’s voice softened, and he glanced sideways to Corrigan, “I think we’ll both agree that the other one won’t leave. We love you, and we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else during this thing. We need you as much as you need us.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know myself. “Guys . . . please . . .”
“You need to pick.” Corrigan stepped forward. “It’s not fair to us. You know that.”
“No.”
Bryce cast Corrigan a look. “I think we can wait, at least during this time. I know I won’t be able to go anywhere anyway.”
Corrigan turned back to him. “Are you serious? You’re okay with just waiting and not knowing?”
“What’s the alternative?” Bryce gestured to me. “She doesn’t know. Look at her. You can see the panic in her eyes.”
I frowned. He was right.
He continued, “She needs both of us, Cor. If she picks me, would you really stick around? I would, but damn, it would hurt. This isn’t about us anyway. It’s about what Sheldon needs.”
Corrigan bit out, “Easy for you to say. You’re the one she’ll probably be screwing while she sneaks into my bed to be held.” A nerve on the side of his jaw clenched outward. “I don’t know about you, but that’s a different torture all on its own.”
“You’d rather have her pick? During this time? She’ll feel cut off from the other one, and I’m sorry, but if she’s found guilty, this might be our last time to spend with her. I don’t want it defined and not be able to hold her.”
My eyes got big. A new surge of panic drenched my insides with ice water. “Guilty?”
He swiftly turned to me. “I didn’t mean that, but.” He paused, looking down at the ground. “Someone set you up, Sheldon. What if we can’t find out who did that? What then? I’m just . . . if you pick Corrigan, I can’t spend this time with you and not be able to hold you.” An anguished tone came to him. “Maybe that’s me being selfish, but I can’t do that. Even if you pick Corrigan, I still won’t be able to stay away.”
He held my gaze. Even though a few feet separated us, I felt like I was in the palm of his hand. He was holding me, stroking me, making me feel safe. Making me feel loved. My chest tightened. Then it exploded inside me. I loved Bryce. I never stopped, but it had been shoved down and numbed. With that, memories of our past came at me, and I was right back there on the day Marcus was in my home. I closed my eyes, but images of Corrigan stabbed and bleeding on the floor wouldn’t go away. That sickening feeling. Fearing for his life, wondering if my best friend was going to die, knowing the guy responsible was still in my home, and he was going to get away.
I wanted to hunt him down, like he had hunted me down. The need for revenge, to take his life, had overwhelmed me. Bryce, too. He turned the tape off when I found Marcus and provoked him. It looked like self-defense, but the truth was, that I had killed him.
Oh god. I didn’t want to remember that day, what we had done, what I had done. I turned away.
“Sheldon.” Bryce started for me.
I shot a hand up, stopping him. “Don’t. Please. Don’t.”
My shoulders lifted up and down, as I tried not to dry-heave. We killed him. Together. I’d been trying to forget that day for years, but I couldn’t. I loved Bryce, but I couldn’t forget what we had done, and the two were intertwined. That’s why I put so much distance between us. If loving Bryce meant remembering that day, I had chosen to forget one if it meant forgetting the other, but my god, I couldn’t forget how much I loved Bryce. It had never gone away, and just now, just this look from him, had unlocked the box again.
