Kaleidoscope
Page 74
Jacob kept going.
“You said that. You said straight up you thought about kids. You said it, giving me indication, since you were opening yourself up to finding a man, that man bein’ me, you also want kids. Then, you take hold of Chace and Faye’s son and the world melts. It’s just you and him. You were so into little Jake, there was nothin’ else but you and him. Weeks later, we’re there, we’re in love, we’re movin’ down that path, I ask you how many kids you want, suddenly you don’t want any. Suddenly, you’ve never thought about kids. Suddenly, that’s not you.”
“I—”
“Disconnecting. Again.”
“Jacob—”
He interrupted me again. “See, babe, for some reason I cannot get a lock on, you’re clueless. One minute, you’re sweet, so f**kin’ sweet, swear to Christ, Emme, don’t know what I did in my life to deserve that kind of sweet. Perfect for me, top to toe, brain and body, free and easy givin’ me not just everything I want but everything I need.”
I sucked in a sharp breath as his words hit me hard in my sternum.
Jacob must not have noticed my reaction because he kept speaking.
“The next minute, you’re sharin’ your past with me, workin’ it out in your head, tellin’ me how you understand that guy who snatched you scarred you. Then the next minute, back to clueless, and out of the blue you’re slippin’ away. You don’t see it happen, feel it happen, even know you’re doin’ it. But I feel it. I don’t get how you don’t get it when you f**kin’ told me you got it. And last, I don’t know how to fix it, and when it happens, it kills. So I gotta be on the lookout for everything,” he leaned in, “every-fucking-thing you could use to tear yourself away from me. So yeah, Elsbeth called, she seemed to be pulling her shit together, I took the meet and I didn’t tell you about it precisely because of this. Because you’d use it to tear yourself away from me.”
Again, I had no response. This time because everything he said was right and I was freaked because I didn’t know why I was so clueless, how I didn’t get it and I also didn’t know how to fix it.
Jacob didn’t seem to mind I had no response. He kept sharing.
“And by the way, Emme, she also wanted to apologize about pulling that shit on me last summer. And that was genuine too, so it was another reason I took the meet. It obviously seems f**ked to you, since you’re in your head and can’t pull yourself out, but I’m glad I did. Months I spent wonderin’ what the f**k was wrong with me I fell and did it deep for a total f**kin’ cunt. It was good to know she wasn’t. It was good to know she was messed up and doin’ stupid shit at the same time tryin’ to sort herself out. It was good to know I fell in love with a decent woman who made stupid choices.”
That all made sense too, which sucked.
But he wasn’t done. He’d saved the best for last.
“And it might make me a dick but it was good to be drinkin’ coffee with a woman f**ked up because she f**ked me over knowin’ in the end it worked out for me. Because I was not with a woman who was not right for me. I was with the woman who was made for me.”
“I’m glad you got that, Jacob,” I replied, and I kind of was.
But I was also more than kind of reeling, scared, freaked and still angry. Since I couldn’t deal with the scared and freaked, I held onto the angry.
Thus I continued, “But it doesn’t erase the fact that you purposefully didn’t tell me.”
“And I explained the reasons.”
“Was it so important to you that you’d risk this,” I threw a hand out, “just to know you didn’t make a jacked choice that affected you for a decade?”
“Jesus, Emme, yeah,” he clipped then went on, “But actually, I didn’t expect you to be in Denver. So I didn’t expect you to know at all until I told you.”
“You have a habit of telling me stuff after the fact,” I pointed out, and he lifted a hand and raked it through his hair.
“Christ, Emmanuelle, the last time that shit happened I was workin’ a confidential case.”
“Okay, how about my windows, Jacob?” I shot back. “Were you ever going to tell me you and Dad were in cahoots to get me something you both wanted me to have but I wanted to get my own damned self so you both played me?”
His chin jerked back and his eyebrows shot together before he asked, “Are you f**kin’ shitting me?”
“No. I absolutely am not. You stood in my kitchen and told me you’d have a mind to me, how I do things, how I’m used to doing things myself. But I guess that mind you’re gonna have is operating behind my back to do things your own way.”
“So we’re moving from you wedging Elsbeth between us to you using this?” he asked incredulously.
“Jacob, you lied,” I snapped. “And you dragged my dad along with you.”
“Baby, do you really f**kin’ care that your man and your dad are lookin’ out for you, you’re so goddamned stubborn we gotta make a play so we do, and I’ll repeat, we do it lookin’ out for you?”
“It’s the principle of the thing,” I hissed.
“It’s bullshit and you know it,” he fired back, and I leaned back, throwing both arms out this time.
“Oh,” I drew that word out derisively. “It doesn’t mean shit to you but it means a lot to me and it’s bullshit?”
“Fucking hell, Emme, listen to yourself,” he ordered.
“I don’t have the concentration, Jacob, since I’m using it all to listen to you,” I returned.
“Okay, babe, then concentrate on this,” he bit out. “Twelve years ago, you showed at Elsbeth and my place. Elsbeth wasn’t there. You said you’d leave, I asked you to stay. We got drunk on the balcony and laughed our asses off. We were at it for hours. Got you a taxi home. But not once in that entire time with just you and me, your girl not even there, did we miss her. She didn’t exist. We had no problems conversing, connecting, enjoyin’ the shit outta each other’s company. When I had Elsbeth and you, I had you, Emme. All of you. And you know why I had you so f**kin’ totally?”
I said nothing.
Jacob didn’t need me to.
“Because you were safe in the knowledge you couldn’t have me.”
Suddenly I started breathing heavily.
“You said that. You said straight up you thought about kids. You said it, giving me indication, since you were opening yourself up to finding a man, that man bein’ me, you also want kids. Then, you take hold of Chace and Faye’s son and the world melts. It’s just you and him. You were so into little Jake, there was nothin’ else but you and him. Weeks later, we’re there, we’re in love, we’re movin’ down that path, I ask you how many kids you want, suddenly you don’t want any. Suddenly, you’ve never thought about kids. Suddenly, that’s not you.”
“I—”
“Disconnecting. Again.”
“Jacob—”
He interrupted me again. “See, babe, for some reason I cannot get a lock on, you’re clueless. One minute, you’re sweet, so f**kin’ sweet, swear to Christ, Emme, don’t know what I did in my life to deserve that kind of sweet. Perfect for me, top to toe, brain and body, free and easy givin’ me not just everything I want but everything I need.”
I sucked in a sharp breath as his words hit me hard in my sternum.
Jacob must not have noticed my reaction because he kept speaking.
“The next minute, you’re sharin’ your past with me, workin’ it out in your head, tellin’ me how you understand that guy who snatched you scarred you. Then the next minute, back to clueless, and out of the blue you’re slippin’ away. You don’t see it happen, feel it happen, even know you’re doin’ it. But I feel it. I don’t get how you don’t get it when you f**kin’ told me you got it. And last, I don’t know how to fix it, and when it happens, it kills. So I gotta be on the lookout for everything,” he leaned in, “every-fucking-thing you could use to tear yourself away from me. So yeah, Elsbeth called, she seemed to be pulling her shit together, I took the meet and I didn’t tell you about it precisely because of this. Because you’d use it to tear yourself away from me.”
Again, I had no response. This time because everything he said was right and I was freaked because I didn’t know why I was so clueless, how I didn’t get it and I also didn’t know how to fix it.
Jacob didn’t seem to mind I had no response. He kept sharing.
“And by the way, Emme, she also wanted to apologize about pulling that shit on me last summer. And that was genuine too, so it was another reason I took the meet. It obviously seems f**ked to you, since you’re in your head and can’t pull yourself out, but I’m glad I did. Months I spent wonderin’ what the f**k was wrong with me I fell and did it deep for a total f**kin’ cunt. It was good to know she wasn’t. It was good to know she was messed up and doin’ stupid shit at the same time tryin’ to sort herself out. It was good to know I fell in love with a decent woman who made stupid choices.”
That all made sense too, which sucked.
But he wasn’t done. He’d saved the best for last.
“And it might make me a dick but it was good to be drinkin’ coffee with a woman f**ked up because she f**ked me over knowin’ in the end it worked out for me. Because I was not with a woman who was not right for me. I was with the woman who was made for me.”
“I’m glad you got that, Jacob,” I replied, and I kind of was.
But I was also more than kind of reeling, scared, freaked and still angry. Since I couldn’t deal with the scared and freaked, I held onto the angry.
Thus I continued, “But it doesn’t erase the fact that you purposefully didn’t tell me.”
“And I explained the reasons.”
“Was it so important to you that you’d risk this,” I threw a hand out, “just to know you didn’t make a jacked choice that affected you for a decade?”
“Jesus, Emme, yeah,” he clipped then went on, “But actually, I didn’t expect you to be in Denver. So I didn’t expect you to know at all until I told you.”
“You have a habit of telling me stuff after the fact,” I pointed out, and he lifted a hand and raked it through his hair.
“Christ, Emmanuelle, the last time that shit happened I was workin’ a confidential case.”
“Okay, how about my windows, Jacob?” I shot back. “Were you ever going to tell me you and Dad were in cahoots to get me something you both wanted me to have but I wanted to get my own damned self so you both played me?”
His chin jerked back and his eyebrows shot together before he asked, “Are you f**kin’ shitting me?”
“No. I absolutely am not. You stood in my kitchen and told me you’d have a mind to me, how I do things, how I’m used to doing things myself. But I guess that mind you’re gonna have is operating behind my back to do things your own way.”
“So we’re moving from you wedging Elsbeth between us to you using this?” he asked incredulously.
“Jacob, you lied,” I snapped. “And you dragged my dad along with you.”
“Baby, do you really f**kin’ care that your man and your dad are lookin’ out for you, you’re so goddamned stubborn we gotta make a play so we do, and I’ll repeat, we do it lookin’ out for you?”
“It’s the principle of the thing,” I hissed.
“It’s bullshit and you know it,” he fired back, and I leaned back, throwing both arms out this time.
“Oh,” I drew that word out derisively. “It doesn’t mean shit to you but it means a lot to me and it’s bullshit?”
“Fucking hell, Emme, listen to yourself,” he ordered.
“I don’t have the concentration, Jacob, since I’m using it all to listen to you,” I returned.
“Okay, babe, then concentrate on this,” he bit out. “Twelve years ago, you showed at Elsbeth and my place. Elsbeth wasn’t there. You said you’d leave, I asked you to stay. We got drunk on the balcony and laughed our asses off. We were at it for hours. Got you a taxi home. But not once in that entire time with just you and me, your girl not even there, did we miss her. She didn’t exist. We had no problems conversing, connecting, enjoyin’ the shit outta each other’s company. When I had Elsbeth and you, I had you, Emme. All of you. And you know why I had you so f**kin’ totally?”
I said nothing.
Jacob didn’t need me to.
“Because you were safe in the knowledge you couldn’t have me.”
Suddenly I started breathing heavily.
