Kitty's House of Horrors
Page 27
“So this is just another battle in your war against the forces of chaos,” I said.
“‘Just’ another battle. You make it sound mundane.”
“And you suspect Anastasia of being part of it?” I said.
He just smiled.
And while we were all discussing various conspiracy theories and secret suspicions, Provost and his crew were recording everything on video. Maybe one of the producers wanted information. What better way to gather intelligence than to bring a bunch of people on the inside together, then record their conversations? What happened when the secret shadow world of vampires and the forces of darkness got discussed on national TV? Wait a minute, who was I kidding? To the average TV-watching audience, these conversations would seem boring. They’d never end up in the final cut.
The gathering by the dock had turned quiet, drawing our attention.
“Lee?” Ariel called. She treaded water, turning slowly and looking out over the surface. “Where’d he go?”
“How long has he been under?” Jeffrey said.
“I don’t know,” Ariel said. “A while, I think.”
“Lee knows how to take care of himself,” Tina said. “He’s a were-seal, for crying out loud.”
“But where is he?” Ariel said.
Except for the ripples Ariel was making, the surface of the lake was still, dark, not a bubble in sight. I stood and wandered to the edge of the water. Grant came with me. A moment later, Jerome was standing with us, all of us looking out, and the nervous rock in my gut was growing heavier.
“Should we call someone?” Jeffrey said.
A body erupted from the water and lunged onto the edge of the dock. Torpedo-shaped, it was big, rubbery, with slick gray skin mottled brown, dripping wet. It had a face like a mashed-up dog’s, with huge, shining dark eyes. Opening its mouth wide, it showed off way too many sharp teeth and brayed, a throaty, belchy bark.
Everyone screamed. Except maybe Grant, who raised a curious brow and took a step back. Even Jerome shouted and stumbled away from the water. Tina and Jeffrey scrambled away from the barking seal. Ariel didn’t even bother climbing onto the dock. She swam for the shore, splashing in a panic.
The seal—Lee, I assumed—gave another growl. I swore it sounded like laughter. Then he rolled back into the water. Breaking the surface, he splashed his flippers, then swam, fast and hard, away from shore. He broke the surface now and then, his skin gleaming in the sun.
When I’d calmed down, I had to admit I was impressed that Lee had enough control to play a practical joke while in his lycanthropic form. I wouldn’t have.
“Ballsy,” Jerome said, chuckling nervously. He must have agreed with me.
“You jerk!” Ariel screamed after the now-distant seal. She stomped her feet, splashing in the water. Fuming, she turned to the rest of us. “That was awful! Ooh, I’m going to get him back. I’m so going to get him back for that!”
Tina started laughing. A tad hysterical, but still. All of our hearts were racing. If we didn’t laugh, we’d have heart attacks. But I agreed with Ariel—we’d certainly have to find a way to get back at him, wouldn’t we?
We were missing someone. I looked around, didn’t see him.
“Where’s Conrad?” I said. “Where’d he go? He had to have seen this.”
“He went back to the house for a minute. Said he had to use the bathroom,” Jerome said.
“Are you kidding me?” I screeched. Honest-to-God lycanthropic shape-shifting right in front of him—sort of—and he was off using the bathroom? I could have cried.
“Murphy’s Law,” Grant said. “The most powerful force in the universe.”
“Goddammit,” I muttered.
Just to make the scene even more cinematic, Conrad came wandering down the path from the lodge then. He stopped when he found us all staring at him with posttraumatized, half-amused, half-murderous looks on our faces.
“What are you all looking at?”
“Were-seal,” I said, pointing over my shoulder to the lake. “Lee gave us a show, but he’s gone now. Probably off hunting trout or whatever the hell swims in lakes in Montana.”
Conrad looked uncertain a moment, then chuckled. “Nice try. But Lee’s just hiding in the woods. Right?”
I turned to Skip and the camera. “You can show him the playback, right?”
“Um, we’re not really allowed to do that,” he said.
I cursed Lee for his bad timing. We just needed Conrad to see the seal—so totally not native to freshwater lakes in landlocked Montana—to chip away at his smug skepticism. Was that too much to ask?
So that was the end of the picnic.
* * *
Every reality show had to have a bit where they got you alone and filmed you talking trash about everyone else on the show. It was too much to hope that we’d get through Supernatural Insider without it. So there I was, sitting in front of a camera, held by Gordon this time, with the great outdoors as a backdrop. Provost watched from behind the camera, egging me on. I fiddled with the personal mike clipped to my collar.
“Do I have to?” I said for the third time.
“It’s in the contract,” Provost said, also for the third time.
I sighed and pointed at the camera. “Is that thing on?”
“It’s been rolling for a minute now.”
There was no getting out of this. I wasn’t supposed to want to avoid this—face it, I was one of the biggest attention whores on the show. This bit was designed to give the stage to the attention whores, to give them ample opportunity to make idiots of themselves. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter what I said, Provost and his crew would edit it to make me look like an idiot.
Being an attention whore was only fun when I was in charge.
“What exactly are you looking for with this?” I said. “If you give me some idea what you want me to say, I can just say it and save you some time trying to edit it all together.” I smiled with teeth.
He grimaced right back. “What do you think about some of your housemates? Anastasia, let’s say. Or Jerome.”
Predictable.
“Here’s the thing,” I said, leaning forward, making like I was going to dispense some gem of juicy gossip. “You want me to sit here and be catty about everyone else. See if I have any juicy bits of gossip to share. But I’m not going to do that, because the only chance I have of looking good when this thing airs is to be as nice as I possibly can. So you know what? I love everybody. I love them all. We all get along great. This is like summer camp.”
“‘Just’ another battle. You make it sound mundane.”
“And you suspect Anastasia of being part of it?” I said.
He just smiled.
And while we were all discussing various conspiracy theories and secret suspicions, Provost and his crew were recording everything on video. Maybe one of the producers wanted information. What better way to gather intelligence than to bring a bunch of people on the inside together, then record their conversations? What happened when the secret shadow world of vampires and the forces of darkness got discussed on national TV? Wait a minute, who was I kidding? To the average TV-watching audience, these conversations would seem boring. They’d never end up in the final cut.
The gathering by the dock had turned quiet, drawing our attention.
“Lee?” Ariel called. She treaded water, turning slowly and looking out over the surface. “Where’d he go?”
“How long has he been under?” Jeffrey said.
“I don’t know,” Ariel said. “A while, I think.”
“Lee knows how to take care of himself,” Tina said. “He’s a were-seal, for crying out loud.”
“But where is he?” Ariel said.
Except for the ripples Ariel was making, the surface of the lake was still, dark, not a bubble in sight. I stood and wandered to the edge of the water. Grant came with me. A moment later, Jerome was standing with us, all of us looking out, and the nervous rock in my gut was growing heavier.
“Should we call someone?” Jeffrey said.
A body erupted from the water and lunged onto the edge of the dock. Torpedo-shaped, it was big, rubbery, with slick gray skin mottled brown, dripping wet. It had a face like a mashed-up dog’s, with huge, shining dark eyes. Opening its mouth wide, it showed off way too many sharp teeth and brayed, a throaty, belchy bark.
Everyone screamed. Except maybe Grant, who raised a curious brow and took a step back. Even Jerome shouted and stumbled away from the water. Tina and Jeffrey scrambled away from the barking seal. Ariel didn’t even bother climbing onto the dock. She swam for the shore, splashing in a panic.
The seal—Lee, I assumed—gave another growl. I swore it sounded like laughter. Then he rolled back into the water. Breaking the surface, he splashed his flippers, then swam, fast and hard, away from shore. He broke the surface now and then, his skin gleaming in the sun.
When I’d calmed down, I had to admit I was impressed that Lee had enough control to play a practical joke while in his lycanthropic form. I wouldn’t have.
“Ballsy,” Jerome said, chuckling nervously. He must have agreed with me.
“You jerk!” Ariel screamed after the now-distant seal. She stomped her feet, splashing in the water. Fuming, she turned to the rest of us. “That was awful! Ooh, I’m going to get him back. I’m so going to get him back for that!”
Tina started laughing. A tad hysterical, but still. All of our hearts were racing. If we didn’t laugh, we’d have heart attacks. But I agreed with Ariel—we’d certainly have to find a way to get back at him, wouldn’t we?
We were missing someone. I looked around, didn’t see him.
“Where’s Conrad?” I said. “Where’d he go? He had to have seen this.”
“He went back to the house for a minute. Said he had to use the bathroom,” Jerome said.
“Are you kidding me?” I screeched. Honest-to-God lycanthropic shape-shifting right in front of him—sort of—and he was off using the bathroom? I could have cried.
“Murphy’s Law,” Grant said. “The most powerful force in the universe.”
“Goddammit,” I muttered.
Just to make the scene even more cinematic, Conrad came wandering down the path from the lodge then. He stopped when he found us all staring at him with posttraumatized, half-amused, half-murderous looks on our faces.
“What are you all looking at?”
“Were-seal,” I said, pointing over my shoulder to the lake. “Lee gave us a show, but he’s gone now. Probably off hunting trout or whatever the hell swims in lakes in Montana.”
Conrad looked uncertain a moment, then chuckled. “Nice try. But Lee’s just hiding in the woods. Right?”
I turned to Skip and the camera. “You can show him the playback, right?”
“Um, we’re not really allowed to do that,” he said.
I cursed Lee for his bad timing. We just needed Conrad to see the seal—so totally not native to freshwater lakes in landlocked Montana—to chip away at his smug skepticism. Was that too much to ask?
So that was the end of the picnic.
* * *
Every reality show had to have a bit where they got you alone and filmed you talking trash about everyone else on the show. It was too much to hope that we’d get through Supernatural Insider without it. So there I was, sitting in front of a camera, held by Gordon this time, with the great outdoors as a backdrop. Provost watched from behind the camera, egging me on. I fiddled with the personal mike clipped to my collar.
“Do I have to?” I said for the third time.
“It’s in the contract,” Provost said, also for the third time.
I sighed and pointed at the camera. “Is that thing on?”
“It’s been rolling for a minute now.”
There was no getting out of this. I wasn’t supposed to want to avoid this—face it, I was one of the biggest attention whores on the show. This bit was designed to give the stage to the attention whores, to give them ample opportunity to make idiots of themselves. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter what I said, Provost and his crew would edit it to make me look like an idiot.
Being an attention whore was only fun when I was in charge.
“What exactly are you looking for with this?” I said. “If you give me some idea what you want me to say, I can just say it and save you some time trying to edit it all together.” I smiled with teeth.
He grimaced right back. “What do you think about some of your housemates? Anastasia, let’s say. Or Jerome.”
Predictable.
“Here’s the thing,” I said, leaning forward, making like I was going to dispense some gem of juicy gossip. “You want me to sit here and be catty about everyone else. See if I have any juicy bits of gossip to share. But I’m not going to do that, because the only chance I have of looking good when this thing airs is to be as nice as I possibly can. So you know what? I love everybody. I love them all. We all get along great. This is like summer camp.”
