Lady of Light and Shadows
Page 20
She was starting to get angry. All this time, they'd been telling her, "Use your magic. Embrace your magic." She didn't think it was exactly fair of Rain to blame her for following his advice. She had taken away Adrial's pain, after all. Maybe not the way he would have liked, but the pain was gone and other than a few missing memories, Adrial was perfectly fine. She'd even healed him of all remnants of last night's excesses. Lady Marissya herself had said the healing had been masterfully done. You'd think someone would be at least a little grateful for that!
"I didn't mean to take his memories. I only meant to help him.”
"You should not have touched him," Rain said for what must have been the twentieth time. "Not in any way!”
"You didn't specify. Weren't you the one who told me, "When you wager with tairen, take care with your words'?”
His rush of anger was so hot, so fierce, Ellie half expected to see flames shooting out of his head. "That was a game! This could have cost your life. You knew what I meant when I said to stay away from him.”
"I knew? Am I supposed to be able to read your mind now?”
"You could," he snarled. "If you would accept the bond between us, you would know every thought in my mind as if it were your own.”
Angry that she was being yelled at for trying to help a friend, angrier still that she hadn't even been able to do that right, Ellie shouted at Rain, "Then maybe I don't want to accept this stupid bond! Maybe I don't want your thoughts in my brain. Maybe I prefer to keep my mind my own! Maybe you should just go back to the Fading Lands and leave me alone!”
The echoes of her shout rang in the dead silence that ensued. Every member of her quintet found a reason to inspect the ceiling, the floor, the bare walls.
Rain said softly, "You don't mean that, Ellysetta.”
"Don't I?" she snapped, but already her flash of anger was fading away. His voice had trembled ever so slightly when he'd said her name just then, and even if their bond hadn't allowed her to feel the uncertainty rising in him, that faint tremble would have given it away. She'd struck him deeply, in a spot vulnerable to no one but her, and she knew it.
Ellie closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. She was tired. Her head hurt. Her heart ached. She'd made a mess of things last night, and that mess had somehow resulted in Adrial's pain. Then she'd tried to heal Adrial, only to make a mess of that too. And now, with angry words that she didn't really mean, she'd hurt Rain as well. His pain was like a burning hollowness inside her, as real to her as if it were her own.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Of course I don't mean it. I'm not myself this morning." Then she laughed at the absurdity of that remark. "This morning? I haven't been myself since the day you came out of the sky and frightened me half to death." She crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to meet his gaze. "Perhaps it's best if we don't go out today. We're both tired and angry. I don't think there's any point in being alone with each other.”
"You are afraid." He sounded uncertain, as if he were groping to understand her mood. "I've been short-tempered with you, over things you didn't mean to do. It's only because of the danger to you that you don't yet even understand. Ellysetta, don't fear our bond. I know I'm not the easiest of men to accept. I know my own soul, and there are vast wells of darkness in it, but believe me when I say I want only your happiness and your well-being.”
It was the first time Ellie had ever seen Rain's self-assurance rattled, and she didn't like it. He was her hero, the magic prince she'd dreamed of all her life, a legend larger than life. She was just a twenty-four-year-old woodcarver's daughter, a nobody. She should not have the power to make a legend tremble, and yet she did. She didn't want that power. She could not bear to see Rain humbled, especially not by her hand.
"Last night I didn't know what I was doing," she said. "This morning, I did. I tried to help Adrial, even knowing you didn't want me to." She met his eyes and shrugged. "The ironic thing is, when I tried to help him, nothing happened. It was only when I wasn't trying that I succeeded. What good is that to anyone?”
She grimaced and heaved a sigh. "In any case, it's I who owe the apology, not you. I shouldn't have tried to use powers I don't even understand. I shouldn't have done something you'd told me not to do-even if you weren't specific. And I shouldn't have said I wanted you to go away and leave me alone. I don't want that." She looked at her feet and scuffed the toe of one shoe against the wooden floor. "If you believed me, and you left, I'd regret it all my life.”
She didn't hear him move. She only briefly saw the dark shadow of his boots step close to her own slippered feet before she felt his hands cupping her cheeks, long fingers sliding deep into her hair as he gently raised her face to his.
"I know this has all happened so fast," he said. "I know the demands we have placed on you are many and it is hard to become comfortable with so many changes in so short a time. And I am ... short-tempered, even on my best days.” His voice lowered to a husky whisper, and his thumbs stroked her cheekbones in a gentle caress. "I did not mean to shout at you nor wound your feelings. Sieks'ta, I have shamed myself. If it pleases you, shei’tani, I would begin this day anew. All harsh words forgotten.”
"I didn't mean to take his memories. I only meant to help him.”
"You should not have touched him," Rain said for what must have been the twentieth time. "Not in any way!”
"You didn't specify. Weren't you the one who told me, "When you wager with tairen, take care with your words'?”
His rush of anger was so hot, so fierce, Ellie half expected to see flames shooting out of his head. "That was a game! This could have cost your life. You knew what I meant when I said to stay away from him.”
"I knew? Am I supposed to be able to read your mind now?”
"You could," he snarled. "If you would accept the bond between us, you would know every thought in my mind as if it were your own.”
Angry that she was being yelled at for trying to help a friend, angrier still that she hadn't even been able to do that right, Ellie shouted at Rain, "Then maybe I don't want to accept this stupid bond! Maybe I don't want your thoughts in my brain. Maybe I prefer to keep my mind my own! Maybe you should just go back to the Fading Lands and leave me alone!”
The echoes of her shout rang in the dead silence that ensued. Every member of her quintet found a reason to inspect the ceiling, the floor, the bare walls.
Rain said softly, "You don't mean that, Ellysetta.”
"Don't I?" she snapped, but already her flash of anger was fading away. His voice had trembled ever so slightly when he'd said her name just then, and even if their bond hadn't allowed her to feel the uncertainty rising in him, that faint tremble would have given it away. She'd struck him deeply, in a spot vulnerable to no one but her, and she knew it.
Ellie closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. She was tired. Her head hurt. Her heart ached. She'd made a mess of things last night, and that mess had somehow resulted in Adrial's pain. Then she'd tried to heal Adrial, only to make a mess of that too. And now, with angry words that she didn't really mean, she'd hurt Rain as well. His pain was like a burning hollowness inside her, as real to her as if it were her own.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Of course I don't mean it. I'm not myself this morning." Then she laughed at the absurdity of that remark. "This morning? I haven't been myself since the day you came out of the sky and frightened me half to death." She crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to meet his gaze. "Perhaps it's best if we don't go out today. We're both tired and angry. I don't think there's any point in being alone with each other.”
"You are afraid." He sounded uncertain, as if he were groping to understand her mood. "I've been short-tempered with you, over things you didn't mean to do. It's only because of the danger to you that you don't yet even understand. Ellysetta, don't fear our bond. I know I'm not the easiest of men to accept. I know my own soul, and there are vast wells of darkness in it, but believe me when I say I want only your happiness and your well-being.”
It was the first time Ellie had ever seen Rain's self-assurance rattled, and she didn't like it. He was her hero, the magic prince she'd dreamed of all her life, a legend larger than life. She was just a twenty-four-year-old woodcarver's daughter, a nobody. She should not have the power to make a legend tremble, and yet she did. She didn't want that power. She could not bear to see Rain humbled, especially not by her hand.
"Last night I didn't know what I was doing," she said. "This morning, I did. I tried to help Adrial, even knowing you didn't want me to." She met his eyes and shrugged. "The ironic thing is, when I tried to help him, nothing happened. It was only when I wasn't trying that I succeeded. What good is that to anyone?”
She grimaced and heaved a sigh. "In any case, it's I who owe the apology, not you. I shouldn't have tried to use powers I don't even understand. I shouldn't have done something you'd told me not to do-even if you weren't specific. And I shouldn't have said I wanted you to go away and leave me alone. I don't want that." She looked at her feet and scuffed the toe of one shoe against the wooden floor. "If you believed me, and you left, I'd regret it all my life.”
She didn't hear him move. She only briefly saw the dark shadow of his boots step close to her own slippered feet before she felt his hands cupping her cheeks, long fingers sliding deep into her hair as he gently raised her face to his.
"I know this has all happened so fast," he said. "I know the demands we have placed on you are many and it is hard to become comfortable with so many changes in so short a time. And I am ... short-tempered, even on my best days.” His voice lowered to a husky whisper, and his thumbs stroked her cheekbones in a gentle caress. "I did not mean to shout at you nor wound your feelings. Sieks'ta, I have shamed myself. If it pleases you, shei’tani, I would begin this day anew. All harsh words forgotten.”
