Light in the Shadows
Page 28
I was in my room. Tyler was still at lunch, having come in as I was leaving. So I was trying to enjoy this rare piece of solitude by taking a nap before my next support group. I was just about to nod off when there was a knock at my door.
I tried not to growl as I said, “Come in.” Jonathon came inside and I could tell instantly that something was wrong. I sat up and put my feet on the floor.
“Dr. Todd needs to see you,” Jonathan said, giving me a smile that held too much sympathy for my peace of mind.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked combatively. I hated secrets. They were dangerous with way too much potential for fall out. Being called to your therapist’s office outside of your normal meetings didn’t bode well.
I thought back over my behavior in the last week and a half but came up short. Surely I wasn’t about to be punished for something?
After my freak out over calling Maggie, I had tried really hard to get my shit back under control. And I thought I had done a damn good job of it. So why was the good doc calling me in for a special meeting?
Jonathan only shrugged but didn’t say anything. That pissed me off. Mostly because I was starting to freak out. Because I could tell by the look on his face that he did know what this was about. And that whatever it was, was best heard from my shrink.
This was not good.
So I followed Jonathan to Dr. Todd’s office and waited while he knocked on the door. He poked his head inside and I could hear him tell Dr. Todd that I was here. Jonathan put a hand on my shoulder after turning back to me. “Head on in. I’ll come by and see you later.” Fuck me, this was bad. Really, really bad.
I didn’t acknowledge Jonathan’s words in any way, just moved past him to go into Dr. Todd’s office. I closed the door behind me and faced my therapist, surprised to see Julie, Lydia and Matt the other therapists at the center also in the room. Dr. Todd pulled his chair from behind the desk so that he was sitting in front of it. He then motioned for me to have a seat on the couch in front of him.
Matt moved over to make room for me and I tried not to get defensive by the obvious concern on each of their faces. But obviously self-control was not my strong suit.
“Enough already. Just tell me what the f**k is going on,” I bit out sharply, sitting down heavily and crossing my arms over my chest. I was mad. And worried. So that made me even angrier.
Dr. Todd’s neutral expression didn’t seem to change, though I did notice a tightening around his eyes, as though he were stealing himself to say something he knew I wouldn’t like. God, if I wasn’t already crazy, the endless speculation in my head of what I was about to hear would most definitely make me that way.
“Clay, (I hated it when people started a statement by saying my name) we received a call from Ruby a little while ago.” I know I looked surprised because Dr. Todd’s placid face broke into an uncharacteristic grimace.
I shot looks at the other therapists and they all looked at me expectantly. Shit, what did they think I was going to do?
“There was an accident yesterday morning,” Lydia said softly, as though trying to soothe a wild animal. I got to my feet in a panic.
“Is Ruby okay? What the hell happened?” I could hear the rising hysteria in my voice. If they didn’t start giving me some answers, it wasn’t going to be pretty. Dr. Todd must have seen the freak out on my face because he got to his feet and was by my side in an instant. He put his hands heavily on my shoulders, pressing down slightly.
“Take a deep breath, Clay.” His voice rang with just enough authority that I listened without wanting to punch him in the face. I tried to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth but my thoughts were getting in the way of it.
“Just tell me, please,” I begged, figuring if rage wasn’t getting them talking then pleading would. Dr. Todd continued to press down on my shoulders. I knew he was trying to “ground” me. It was meant to create the “chill” affect, triggering the body’s ability to relax and calm down. Right now it wasn’t doing shit.
“It was about Lisa. She was involved in a car accident,” Dr. Todd said softly, steadily. My whole body tensed up, as if bracing myself for a blow.
“Is she all right?” I croaked out. My eyes became blurry and the doc’s next words seemed to reach me through a thick fog.
“Lisa didn’t make it. I’m so sorry, Clay,” Dr. Todd said, his voice clear and strong. I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.
“Lisa didn’t make it?” I asked for clarification. No, that couldn’t be right. I had just spoken to Lisa this past weekend. She had given me a bunch of crap about watching The Notebook, even though I had very little choice in the movies the center chose to play. But Lisa had loved every minute of teasing me about it. And then I had made fun of her new biker boots. It had been a great conversation, with her promising to come down with Ruby when I was discharged from Grayson in two weeks.
Dr. Todd nodded, his hands still firm on my shoulders. “No, Clay. She didn’t,” he confirmed. My heart bottomed out and I felt sick. What the f**k? Matt appeared beside me, not touching me but the act was meant to be supportive.
What I felt was freaking smothered. “Back the hell off. Please,” I tried to sound threatening, but instead I only sounded weak and broken. Matt tentatively took me by the elbow and tried to steer me to the couch.
“Have a seat, Clay. We can talk if you want.” I wrenched my arm away and backed up. I dug my fingers into my hair and started to pull. The familiar sensation of falling apart tickled the edges of my consciousness.
I tried not to growl as I said, “Come in.” Jonathon came inside and I could tell instantly that something was wrong. I sat up and put my feet on the floor.
“Dr. Todd needs to see you,” Jonathan said, giving me a smile that held too much sympathy for my peace of mind.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked combatively. I hated secrets. They were dangerous with way too much potential for fall out. Being called to your therapist’s office outside of your normal meetings didn’t bode well.
I thought back over my behavior in the last week and a half but came up short. Surely I wasn’t about to be punished for something?
After my freak out over calling Maggie, I had tried really hard to get my shit back under control. And I thought I had done a damn good job of it. So why was the good doc calling me in for a special meeting?
Jonathan only shrugged but didn’t say anything. That pissed me off. Mostly because I was starting to freak out. Because I could tell by the look on his face that he did know what this was about. And that whatever it was, was best heard from my shrink.
This was not good.
So I followed Jonathan to Dr. Todd’s office and waited while he knocked on the door. He poked his head inside and I could hear him tell Dr. Todd that I was here. Jonathan put a hand on my shoulder after turning back to me. “Head on in. I’ll come by and see you later.” Fuck me, this was bad. Really, really bad.
I didn’t acknowledge Jonathan’s words in any way, just moved past him to go into Dr. Todd’s office. I closed the door behind me and faced my therapist, surprised to see Julie, Lydia and Matt the other therapists at the center also in the room. Dr. Todd pulled his chair from behind the desk so that he was sitting in front of it. He then motioned for me to have a seat on the couch in front of him.
Matt moved over to make room for me and I tried not to get defensive by the obvious concern on each of their faces. But obviously self-control was not my strong suit.
“Enough already. Just tell me what the f**k is going on,” I bit out sharply, sitting down heavily and crossing my arms over my chest. I was mad. And worried. So that made me even angrier.
Dr. Todd’s neutral expression didn’t seem to change, though I did notice a tightening around his eyes, as though he were stealing himself to say something he knew I wouldn’t like. God, if I wasn’t already crazy, the endless speculation in my head of what I was about to hear would most definitely make me that way.
“Clay, (I hated it when people started a statement by saying my name) we received a call from Ruby a little while ago.” I know I looked surprised because Dr. Todd’s placid face broke into an uncharacteristic grimace.
I shot looks at the other therapists and they all looked at me expectantly. Shit, what did they think I was going to do?
“There was an accident yesterday morning,” Lydia said softly, as though trying to soothe a wild animal. I got to my feet in a panic.
“Is Ruby okay? What the hell happened?” I could hear the rising hysteria in my voice. If they didn’t start giving me some answers, it wasn’t going to be pretty. Dr. Todd must have seen the freak out on my face because he got to his feet and was by my side in an instant. He put his hands heavily on my shoulders, pressing down slightly.
“Take a deep breath, Clay.” His voice rang with just enough authority that I listened without wanting to punch him in the face. I tried to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth but my thoughts were getting in the way of it.
“Just tell me, please,” I begged, figuring if rage wasn’t getting them talking then pleading would. Dr. Todd continued to press down on my shoulders. I knew he was trying to “ground” me. It was meant to create the “chill” affect, triggering the body’s ability to relax and calm down. Right now it wasn’t doing shit.
“It was about Lisa. She was involved in a car accident,” Dr. Todd said softly, steadily. My whole body tensed up, as if bracing myself for a blow.
“Is she all right?” I croaked out. My eyes became blurry and the doc’s next words seemed to reach me through a thick fog.
“Lisa didn’t make it. I’m so sorry, Clay,” Dr. Todd said, his voice clear and strong. I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.
“Lisa didn’t make it?” I asked for clarification. No, that couldn’t be right. I had just spoken to Lisa this past weekend. She had given me a bunch of crap about watching The Notebook, even though I had very little choice in the movies the center chose to play. But Lisa had loved every minute of teasing me about it. And then I had made fun of her new biker boots. It had been a great conversation, with her promising to come down with Ruby when I was discharged from Grayson in two weeks.
Dr. Todd nodded, his hands still firm on my shoulders. “No, Clay. She didn’t,” he confirmed. My heart bottomed out and I felt sick. What the f**k? Matt appeared beside me, not touching me but the act was meant to be supportive.
What I felt was freaking smothered. “Back the hell off. Please,” I tried to sound threatening, but instead I only sounded weak and broken. Matt tentatively took me by the elbow and tried to steer me to the couch.
“Have a seat, Clay. We can talk if you want.” I wrenched my arm away and backed up. I dug my fingers into my hair and started to pull. The familiar sensation of falling apart tickled the edges of my consciousness.
