Light in the Shadows
Page 29
“Clayton. Sit down now.” Dr. Todd’s words were perhaps more harsh than the situation warranted but he knew that I responded to his authority on a basic level. I don’t know why it was, but his firm voice cut through the noise in my head. The man didn’t have a PH.D for nothing.
I sat down heavily and vaguely heard Lydia direct me to focus on my breathing. Fuck that! They could take their breathing and shove it up their asses. Who the hell were they to tell me to calm down when I had just found out one of the only three people I had ever loved was dead?
Fuck…Lisa was dead. That was the kind of forever I wanted nothing to do with. I just wanted to wake up and realize this was a bad dream. I started to pinch my arm, liking the pain but knowing it meant that yep, I was definitely awake.
I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on my knees trying to stop the invading panic attack. No one touched me. Nobody spoke. The only sound was from the constant ticking of Dr. Todd’s clock on the wall.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that. It could have been minutes. Hours even. Who the f**k knows? But I finally looked up and saw that the three other people in the room hadn’t moved. They all looked ready, poised and waiting for my inevitable meltdown.
Well I hated to disappoint them because that just wasn’t going to happen. “I want to call Ruby,” I said, proud of how steady I was. Matt and Lydia got up.
“We’ll come by and see you in a little while,” Matt assured me. I didn’t nod. I didn’t do shit. I just wanted them to leave. Lydia squeezed my shoulder and I wanted to smack her hand away. I had never felt condescended to at Grayson. But right now, I felt like the epitome of the mental patient. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me and it made me want to scream.
Once the other therapists left the room, Dr. Todd picked up the phone on his desk and held out the receiver for me to take. “Clay, Ruby is going to be grieving. She is in a horrible place right now. Be prepared for what that will do to you. Be aware of your own triggers and I’ll help you deal with them, alright?” He stared me straight in the eye and I took the phone from his hand.
“Yeah. Okay,” I muttered. I quickly dialed Ruby’s cell phone number and waited. I heard it ring. And ring. And ring. Finally, when I was just about to hang up I heard the click of the call connecting. Ruby’s hello sounded hollow.
“Aunt Ruby,” I got out, my voice cracking. I heard her broken sob on the other end.
“Clay, honey. I’m so glad you called,” Ruby said through gasping breaths. And then she started crying. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to playing the role of comforter. My entire life, these roles had been reversed. It was Ruby picking up the pieces and trying to put me together again.
I didn’t know how to do the same for her. And I felt horrible because of it. I felt useless. So I did the only thing I could. I let her cry while I let out my own tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Clay,” Ruby whispered, her voice hoarse.
My head was a mess. I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I was in shock, I knew that. My body felt numb and I couldn’t focus. But I needed to say something. “I’m coming home,” was all I said.
“I…Clay…no, you have to think about yourself right now. Lisa wouldn’t want you to compromise your treatment,” Ruby argued and I immediately cut her off.
“Stop it Ruby, I’m coming home. I need to be there.” My throat constricted and I put my head on the top of the desk. I wasn’t sure it was the best decision for me. But there was no other choice to make. Of course I’d go.
“Thank you. So much. I just don’t know what to do…so many things to think about.” Ruby started crying again and I hated being a thousand miles away.
“I’ll be there soon,” I promised before we got off the phone. I told Ruby I’d call her when I arranged a flight. After hanging up I turned to Dr. Todd, not sure if I was going to get a fight about my leaving. But the truth was I didn’t care. Nothing would stop me from getting on a plane to Virginia.
“I want to buy a plane ticket,” I said shortly. Dr. Todd looked at me steadily but simply nodded.
“I can arrange for you to do that,” he replied, getting on the phone and calling Louis, the daytime administrator, giving me permission to use the internet to secure a flight.
“I need to go back to my room and get my wallet. I need my credit card,” I said, knowing how wobbly I sounded.
“This is a lot to take in, Clay. After you make your flight reservation, go to your room, take the afternoon off. Get some rest. Give Louis your itinerary and he’ll make sure it gets to me. But I’d like to meet first thing in the morning.” I only nodded. There was nothing else to say.
So I went through the motions. I was able to get a flight from Miami International to Dulles for tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours and I would be back in Virginia. I couldn’t allow myself to think about what that would mean for me. I was only focused on the new gaping hole in my heart.
Because Lisa, my aunt’s tough as nails but with the heart of gold, girlfriend was dead. Christ. I had never been able to handle grief and change in any sort of healthy way. My first instinct was to hurt myself. Dig deep into my skin and watch myself bleed. Or get so wasted that thinking wasn’t an option. It would be so easy to lose myself in something like that. I wet my lips with my tongue, practically salivating at the thought.
I sat down heavily and vaguely heard Lydia direct me to focus on my breathing. Fuck that! They could take their breathing and shove it up their asses. Who the hell were they to tell me to calm down when I had just found out one of the only three people I had ever loved was dead?
Fuck…Lisa was dead. That was the kind of forever I wanted nothing to do with. I just wanted to wake up and realize this was a bad dream. I started to pinch my arm, liking the pain but knowing it meant that yep, I was definitely awake.
I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on my knees trying to stop the invading panic attack. No one touched me. Nobody spoke. The only sound was from the constant ticking of Dr. Todd’s clock on the wall.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that. It could have been minutes. Hours even. Who the f**k knows? But I finally looked up and saw that the three other people in the room hadn’t moved. They all looked ready, poised and waiting for my inevitable meltdown.
Well I hated to disappoint them because that just wasn’t going to happen. “I want to call Ruby,” I said, proud of how steady I was. Matt and Lydia got up.
“We’ll come by and see you in a little while,” Matt assured me. I didn’t nod. I didn’t do shit. I just wanted them to leave. Lydia squeezed my shoulder and I wanted to smack her hand away. I had never felt condescended to at Grayson. But right now, I felt like the epitome of the mental patient. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me and it made me want to scream.
Once the other therapists left the room, Dr. Todd picked up the phone on his desk and held out the receiver for me to take. “Clay, Ruby is going to be grieving. She is in a horrible place right now. Be prepared for what that will do to you. Be aware of your own triggers and I’ll help you deal with them, alright?” He stared me straight in the eye and I took the phone from his hand.
“Yeah. Okay,” I muttered. I quickly dialed Ruby’s cell phone number and waited. I heard it ring. And ring. And ring. Finally, when I was just about to hang up I heard the click of the call connecting. Ruby’s hello sounded hollow.
“Aunt Ruby,” I got out, my voice cracking. I heard her broken sob on the other end.
“Clay, honey. I’m so glad you called,” Ruby said through gasping breaths. And then she started crying. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to playing the role of comforter. My entire life, these roles had been reversed. It was Ruby picking up the pieces and trying to put me together again.
I didn’t know how to do the same for her. And I felt horrible because of it. I felt useless. So I did the only thing I could. I let her cry while I let out my own tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Clay,” Ruby whispered, her voice hoarse.
My head was a mess. I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I was in shock, I knew that. My body felt numb and I couldn’t focus. But I needed to say something. “I’m coming home,” was all I said.
“I…Clay…no, you have to think about yourself right now. Lisa wouldn’t want you to compromise your treatment,” Ruby argued and I immediately cut her off.
“Stop it Ruby, I’m coming home. I need to be there.” My throat constricted and I put my head on the top of the desk. I wasn’t sure it was the best decision for me. But there was no other choice to make. Of course I’d go.
“Thank you. So much. I just don’t know what to do…so many things to think about.” Ruby started crying again and I hated being a thousand miles away.
“I’ll be there soon,” I promised before we got off the phone. I told Ruby I’d call her when I arranged a flight. After hanging up I turned to Dr. Todd, not sure if I was going to get a fight about my leaving. But the truth was I didn’t care. Nothing would stop me from getting on a plane to Virginia.
“I want to buy a plane ticket,” I said shortly. Dr. Todd looked at me steadily but simply nodded.
“I can arrange for you to do that,” he replied, getting on the phone and calling Louis, the daytime administrator, giving me permission to use the internet to secure a flight.
“I need to go back to my room and get my wallet. I need my credit card,” I said, knowing how wobbly I sounded.
“This is a lot to take in, Clay. After you make your flight reservation, go to your room, take the afternoon off. Get some rest. Give Louis your itinerary and he’ll make sure it gets to me. But I’d like to meet first thing in the morning.” I only nodded. There was nothing else to say.
So I went through the motions. I was able to get a flight from Miami International to Dulles for tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours and I would be back in Virginia. I couldn’t allow myself to think about what that would mean for me. I was only focused on the new gaping hole in my heart.
Because Lisa, my aunt’s tough as nails but with the heart of gold, girlfriend was dead. Christ. I had never been able to handle grief and change in any sort of healthy way. My first instinct was to hurt myself. Dig deep into my skin and watch myself bleed. Or get so wasted that thinking wasn’t an option. It would be so easy to lose myself in something like that. I wet my lips with my tongue, practically salivating at the thought.
