Light in the Shadows
Page 30
No! God damn it, NO! I started to pace the floor of my room. As though wearing a hole in my floor would do something. After that accomplished absolutely nothing, I tried to lie down and close my eyes. Still nothing. Nothing was helping. I tried to remember those super awesome coping skills that were supposed to get me through the hard stuff.
Squeezing my eyes shut I tried to reframe. When that didn’t help I started to feel pretty desperate. I needed something to distract me from either finding something sharp and pointy or something pharmaceutical. Opening my eyes I saw the bag of birthday stuff in the corner. I had yet to put my gifts away, so they still sat in the same spot where I had left them.
I stuck my hand inside and purposefully made myself move past the scrap book to grab ahold of my sketch pad and pencils. I sat down at my desk and turned on the lamp. Popping my ear buds in, I scrolled through my music until I found some Apocalyptica and cranked it. Then I started drawing. Sketch after sketch, I poured everything out of me through my fingers and onto the paper.
Hours passed and I was still drawing. Tyler had come in and tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He knew me well enough to leave it alone. Maria had stopped by, obviously hearing about Lisa but I ignored her as well. I didn’t drop my pencil for a moment. I was like a man possessed.
I stopped sometime around midnight. Pictures littered the surface of my desk and the only light came from the soft glow of my lamp. I could hear Tyler’s soft breathing and knew the aide on duty would soon be coming around to check on everyone.
I started to leaf through the sketches and realized I couldn’t even remember what I had been drawing. I had let my emotions take over. And it had worked. I had been able to channel my self-destructive needs into something else.
There were drawings of trees and fields. A few of the ocean and more than a dozen of Lisa. Lisa with Ruby. Lisa reading a book. Lisa cooking dinner. I took these and bundled them together. I would give them to Ruby.
I started to pile up the rest when I realized what else I had drawn in my frenzy. Of course, I should have known that when I put pencil to paper, her face would materialize. It always did.
I touched the curve of Maggie’s cheek that I carefully and precisely depicted. Her eyes were closed, as if in pain. And I couldn’t ignore what going back to Davidson would mean for me. I would be ripping open the wound that I had worked really hard to stitch closed. Even if the sutures were only now starting to heal.
I sighed and shoved the pictures into my desk drawer and turned off the lamp. Crawling into bed, I curled in on myself and fought against the personal demons that threatened to ruin everything.
Chapter Nine
-Clay-
I stuffed clothes into my suitcase. I’m not sure why, but I started putting everything inside. My pictures, my books, everything. I had every intention of coming back after the funeral but something inside me told me to be prepared.
“So you’re leaving, huh?” I looked over my shoulder to see Maria standing in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie. Her smile was hesitant and I could tell she was unhappy.
“Yeah, my plane leaves at six-thirty,” I answered her, turning back to the pile on my bed. Maria didn’t say anything else and she didn’t come any further into my room. When I was finished, I closed the lid to my suitcase and zipped it. Heaving it off the bed, it fell to the floor with a thud. I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was sticking up all over the place but I didn’t give a shit.
I had slept like crap. My eyes were gritty and tired. My mind was fuzzy and my mouth felt dry. I felt like I had been run over. Maria leaned against the jam and watched me quietly. “You coming back?” she asked looking around my now very bare room. Tyler’s side was still a wreck but mine was devoid of any sign that I had ever occupied it.
“I plan on it,” I said unconvincingly. Because I knew, even then, that it would be hard to leave once I got home. Not when Ruby needed me. But I had promised myself that I still had to make my treatment a priority. But priorities had a way of changing.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you will,” Maria said with a sad resignation.
“Maria. Look…” I started but she held up her hand, stopping me.
“I get it, Clay. You don’t have to explain. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Lisa. She was really cool. I’m glad I got to hang out with her when she came down here. I wish I could be there for you. We all do. We’ll be thinking of you,” Maria said softly, smiling in a wistful kind of way.
“Thanks. I really needed to hear that,” I told her truthfully. I was running on auto pilot right now. Not sure what the hell I was going to do when my plane touched down in Virginia. I had called Ruby that morning to let her know I would be flying in tonight. She insisted on coming to get me, even when I argued that I could rent a car. She wouldn’t hear it, saying she needed to be the one to do it. I didn’t try to talk her out of it. There was no point. She’d be there to get me, no matter what. She had always been there for me. And that wouldn’t stop just because her life had detonated.
Maria came over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I slowly brought my arms up to hug her back. She rested her cheek on my chest and I lowered my chin to the top of her head. We stood that way for a while until I pulled away.
Maria took my hand between hers and held on. “I’ll miss you,” she confessed, looking embarrassed for some reason. I squeezed her hands before pulling away.
“You too.” I smiled at her and she tried to smile back. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had to get to my meeting with Dr. Todd. “I’ve got to get going. You want to meet up for lunch?” I asked her, feeling strange with the tension in the room. I wasn’t exactly sure what this was, but I just knew I had to get away from it.
Squeezing my eyes shut I tried to reframe. When that didn’t help I started to feel pretty desperate. I needed something to distract me from either finding something sharp and pointy or something pharmaceutical. Opening my eyes I saw the bag of birthday stuff in the corner. I had yet to put my gifts away, so they still sat in the same spot where I had left them.
I stuck my hand inside and purposefully made myself move past the scrap book to grab ahold of my sketch pad and pencils. I sat down at my desk and turned on the lamp. Popping my ear buds in, I scrolled through my music until I found some Apocalyptica and cranked it. Then I started drawing. Sketch after sketch, I poured everything out of me through my fingers and onto the paper.
Hours passed and I was still drawing. Tyler had come in and tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He knew me well enough to leave it alone. Maria had stopped by, obviously hearing about Lisa but I ignored her as well. I didn’t drop my pencil for a moment. I was like a man possessed.
I stopped sometime around midnight. Pictures littered the surface of my desk and the only light came from the soft glow of my lamp. I could hear Tyler’s soft breathing and knew the aide on duty would soon be coming around to check on everyone.
I started to leaf through the sketches and realized I couldn’t even remember what I had been drawing. I had let my emotions take over. And it had worked. I had been able to channel my self-destructive needs into something else.
There were drawings of trees and fields. A few of the ocean and more than a dozen of Lisa. Lisa with Ruby. Lisa reading a book. Lisa cooking dinner. I took these and bundled them together. I would give them to Ruby.
I started to pile up the rest when I realized what else I had drawn in my frenzy. Of course, I should have known that when I put pencil to paper, her face would materialize. It always did.
I touched the curve of Maggie’s cheek that I carefully and precisely depicted. Her eyes were closed, as if in pain. And I couldn’t ignore what going back to Davidson would mean for me. I would be ripping open the wound that I had worked really hard to stitch closed. Even if the sutures were only now starting to heal.
I sighed and shoved the pictures into my desk drawer and turned off the lamp. Crawling into bed, I curled in on myself and fought against the personal demons that threatened to ruin everything.
Chapter Nine
-Clay-
I stuffed clothes into my suitcase. I’m not sure why, but I started putting everything inside. My pictures, my books, everything. I had every intention of coming back after the funeral but something inside me told me to be prepared.
“So you’re leaving, huh?” I looked over my shoulder to see Maria standing in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie. Her smile was hesitant and I could tell she was unhappy.
“Yeah, my plane leaves at six-thirty,” I answered her, turning back to the pile on my bed. Maria didn’t say anything else and she didn’t come any further into my room. When I was finished, I closed the lid to my suitcase and zipped it. Heaving it off the bed, it fell to the floor with a thud. I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was sticking up all over the place but I didn’t give a shit.
I had slept like crap. My eyes were gritty and tired. My mind was fuzzy and my mouth felt dry. I felt like I had been run over. Maria leaned against the jam and watched me quietly. “You coming back?” she asked looking around my now very bare room. Tyler’s side was still a wreck but mine was devoid of any sign that I had ever occupied it.
“I plan on it,” I said unconvincingly. Because I knew, even then, that it would be hard to leave once I got home. Not when Ruby needed me. But I had promised myself that I still had to make my treatment a priority. But priorities had a way of changing.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you will,” Maria said with a sad resignation.
“Maria. Look…” I started but she held up her hand, stopping me.
“I get it, Clay. You don’t have to explain. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Lisa. She was really cool. I’m glad I got to hang out with her when she came down here. I wish I could be there for you. We all do. We’ll be thinking of you,” Maria said softly, smiling in a wistful kind of way.
“Thanks. I really needed to hear that,” I told her truthfully. I was running on auto pilot right now. Not sure what the hell I was going to do when my plane touched down in Virginia. I had called Ruby that morning to let her know I would be flying in tonight. She insisted on coming to get me, even when I argued that I could rent a car. She wouldn’t hear it, saying she needed to be the one to do it. I didn’t try to talk her out of it. There was no point. She’d be there to get me, no matter what. She had always been there for me. And that wouldn’t stop just because her life had detonated.
Maria came over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I slowly brought my arms up to hug her back. She rested her cheek on my chest and I lowered my chin to the top of her head. We stood that way for a while until I pulled away.
Maria took my hand between hers and held on. “I’ll miss you,” she confessed, looking embarrassed for some reason. I squeezed her hands before pulling away.
“You too.” I smiled at her and she tried to smile back. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had to get to my meeting with Dr. Todd. “I’ve got to get going. You want to meet up for lunch?” I asked her, feeling strange with the tension in the room. I wasn’t exactly sure what this was, but I just knew I had to get away from it.
