Light in the Shadows
Page 31
I knew Maria meant well, but I also knew how much she had come to depend on our friendship. And I just couldn’t handle worrying about what that would mean for her when I left. I didn’t like having anyone dependent on me for their happiness. Because that hadn’t worked out so well the last time it had happened.
“Sure,” she said, taking note of the way I moved away from her. She respected my need for space and let me walk away. I hurried to Dr. Todd’s office and he was already waiting for me.
“Clay. How are you?” he asked after I closed the door behind me. I only shrugged as I sat down.
“I’m not really sure,” I answered honestly. Dr. Todd nodded.
“That’s understandable. You’ve gone through a lot in the last twelve hours.” Dr. Todd crossed his arms over his chest. “How long are you planning to be in Virginia?” he asked me.
I knew the question was coming, I just wish I knew how to answer him. “I don’t know. I don’t think Ruby has even started making funeral arrangements yet. I planned on getting there and then I guess I’ll just have to see.” I was being purposefully vague. Because the truth was I had no idea what to expect.
“I get that. I really do. But Clay, I’m okay with this visit because I know how important it is for you and your healing to be there for Ruby. I am concerned about how this will impact your ongoing progress though, I can’t lie.” I rubbed the space between my eyebrows, feeling the beginnings of a headache.
“I know, Dr. Todd. But last night, instead of cutting, I spent hours drawing. Even with everything going on. So that’s something, right? But regardless, I need to go.” My statement left no room for argument. I was getting on that plane at six-thirty and there was nothing Dr. Todd or anyone else could say to change my mind.
Dr. Todd lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “I know, Clay. But we still need to make some plans, should things get difficult for you while you’re there. You’ve worked too hard and come too far. This trip will test you in every possible way. Given the circumstances you find yourself in, anticipate old patterns to start becoming extremely appealing. We have only started scratching the surface of the way your mind reacts to stressors. The nature of this visit will be mentally and emotionally taxing. Being here at Grayson is like living in a bubble. Once leaving it, a lot of people have a hard time with the adjustment. And I expect that to be magnified exponentially given your situation.”
Shit, he wasn’t pulling any punches. “I know, alright. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about.” I wasn’t going into this thing blind. For the first time in my life I was entering a situation with my blinders off. Sure I was freaked out a bit. I’d be an idiot not to be. But I wasn’t going to let my fear stop me from being there for Ruby.
“Good, being prepared is essential. But, Clay, I’d like you to check in with me daily while you’re in Davidson. That way if things come up, you have a means of processing them.” I tried not to feel insulted by the suggestion. I didn’t need a goddamned babysitter.
I ran my hand over my arms in agitation, feeling the ridges of old scars. Okay, so maybe a babysitter wasn’t such a bad idea.
“Sure, I’ll call you.” Dr. Todd picked up a file on his desk and pulled a paper out and handed it to me. It was my no harm contract.
“Take this with you, read it, remember it.” I folded up the sheet and put it in my back pocket. He was really covering all bases here.
“Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it. I honestly don’t know how long I would have lasted if I hadn’t come here.” I hadn’t really expressed my gratitude for the staff at Grayson. But it seemed important that I say it now.
“It’s what we’re here for,” was all Dr. Todd said in reply. I got to my feet. “Jacqui will give you your medications before you leave this evening. And if you need anything, Clay, anything at all, know that you can call either me or the other staff here, day or night. Someone will always be here.” His words were reassuring and it made me feel less alone.
“Thanks,” I said again before leaving.
The rest of the day was spent going to group and finishing up the homework I had yet to complete. I hung out with Tyler and Greg. Had lunch with Maria. I was trying to work up the courage to leave the place that had provided the safety and security I had so desperately needed for the last three months.
Even though I had imagined what it would be like to finally leave the center, the reality was a hell of a lot different than I thought it would be. This is not the way I wanted to be leaving. Even with my intentions of coming back, it didn’t change that I was walking out the door into a world that was vastly different from when I left it.
***
Thirty minutes before I was due to head to the airport to catch my flight, Lydia came to get me. “Your mother is on the phone and is asking to speak to you,” she informed me, leading me to her office. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. What the f**k did she want? Though deep down, I knew exactly what she wanted.
I picked up the phone and gritted my teeth. “Hi, Mom,” I said shortly. Lydia had left her office but kept the door open. I had a feeling she was listening carefully to this particular conversation. It was no secret that my parents were like an emotional bomb for me. There was no telling how I’d react.
“What’s this I hear about you flying to Virginia? That is completely unacceptable!” her frosty voice cut through the line.
“Sure,” she said, taking note of the way I moved away from her. She respected my need for space and let me walk away. I hurried to Dr. Todd’s office and he was already waiting for me.
“Clay. How are you?” he asked after I closed the door behind me. I only shrugged as I sat down.
“I’m not really sure,” I answered honestly. Dr. Todd nodded.
“That’s understandable. You’ve gone through a lot in the last twelve hours.” Dr. Todd crossed his arms over his chest. “How long are you planning to be in Virginia?” he asked me.
I knew the question was coming, I just wish I knew how to answer him. “I don’t know. I don’t think Ruby has even started making funeral arrangements yet. I planned on getting there and then I guess I’ll just have to see.” I was being purposefully vague. Because the truth was I had no idea what to expect.
“I get that. I really do. But Clay, I’m okay with this visit because I know how important it is for you and your healing to be there for Ruby. I am concerned about how this will impact your ongoing progress though, I can’t lie.” I rubbed the space between my eyebrows, feeling the beginnings of a headache.
“I know, Dr. Todd. But last night, instead of cutting, I spent hours drawing. Even with everything going on. So that’s something, right? But regardless, I need to go.” My statement left no room for argument. I was getting on that plane at six-thirty and there was nothing Dr. Todd or anyone else could say to change my mind.
Dr. Todd lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “I know, Clay. But we still need to make some plans, should things get difficult for you while you’re there. You’ve worked too hard and come too far. This trip will test you in every possible way. Given the circumstances you find yourself in, anticipate old patterns to start becoming extremely appealing. We have only started scratching the surface of the way your mind reacts to stressors. The nature of this visit will be mentally and emotionally taxing. Being here at Grayson is like living in a bubble. Once leaving it, a lot of people have a hard time with the adjustment. And I expect that to be magnified exponentially given your situation.”
Shit, he wasn’t pulling any punches. “I know, alright. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about.” I wasn’t going into this thing blind. For the first time in my life I was entering a situation with my blinders off. Sure I was freaked out a bit. I’d be an idiot not to be. But I wasn’t going to let my fear stop me from being there for Ruby.
“Good, being prepared is essential. But, Clay, I’d like you to check in with me daily while you’re in Davidson. That way if things come up, you have a means of processing them.” I tried not to feel insulted by the suggestion. I didn’t need a goddamned babysitter.
I ran my hand over my arms in agitation, feeling the ridges of old scars. Okay, so maybe a babysitter wasn’t such a bad idea.
“Sure, I’ll call you.” Dr. Todd picked up a file on his desk and pulled a paper out and handed it to me. It was my no harm contract.
“Take this with you, read it, remember it.” I folded up the sheet and put it in my back pocket. He was really covering all bases here.
“Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it. I honestly don’t know how long I would have lasted if I hadn’t come here.” I hadn’t really expressed my gratitude for the staff at Grayson. But it seemed important that I say it now.
“It’s what we’re here for,” was all Dr. Todd said in reply. I got to my feet. “Jacqui will give you your medications before you leave this evening. And if you need anything, Clay, anything at all, know that you can call either me or the other staff here, day or night. Someone will always be here.” His words were reassuring and it made me feel less alone.
“Thanks,” I said again before leaving.
The rest of the day was spent going to group and finishing up the homework I had yet to complete. I hung out with Tyler and Greg. Had lunch with Maria. I was trying to work up the courage to leave the place that had provided the safety and security I had so desperately needed for the last three months.
Even though I had imagined what it would be like to finally leave the center, the reality was a hell of a lot different than I thought it would be. This is not the way I wanted to be leaving. Even with my intentions of coming back, it didn’t change that I was walking out the door into a world that was vastly different from when I left it.
***
Thirty minutes before I was due to head to the airport to catch my flight, Lydia came to get me. “Your mother is on the phone and is asking to speak to you,” she informed me, leading me to her office. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. What the f**k did she want? Though deep down, I knew exactly what she wanted.
I picked up the phone and gritted my teeth. “Hi, Mom,” I said shortly. Lydia had left her office but kept the door open. I had a feeling she was listening carefully to this particular conversation. It was no secret that my parents were like an emotional bomb for me. There was no telling how I’d react.
“What’s this I hear about you flying to Virginia? That is completely unacceptable!” her frosty voice cut through the line.
