Light in the Shadows
Page 38
I got to my feet, rolling my head to try to loosen up the kinks in my neck. The couch could be construed as a form of torture. I accidentally knocked Lisa’s glasses to the floor from their spot on the coffee table.
They were still there. The half full coffee cup as well. It was starting to grow mold on the rim, but when I had tried to move it, Ruby had freaked out. So I had left it alone. Picking up my phone I checked the time.
Shit, it was already eleven-thirty. I needed to get a move on. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my grey slacks and a black button down shirt. I hung them on the kitchen door and got out the ironing board.
I was busy ironing when Ruby finally emerged. She was still in her robe; her red hair looked as though it hadn’t seen a brush in a year. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her lips were cracked and chapped from her gnawing at them.
“Morning,” I said, watching her open the cabinet and pulling down a mug. She gave me a tiny smile as she started to grind coffee beans. “You want me to make you some breakfast?” I asked after I finished ironing my shirt.
Ruby shook her head and waited for her coffee to brew. The silence in the kitchen made me antsy. I watched my aunt who seemed to be barely functioning and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
I left her, staring at the coffee pot and went out into the back yard. The air was cold and it had started to drizzle. I drew the frigid air into my lungs and held it there until my chest burned with the need to breathe.
Letting the air out slowly I wished I had developed a taste for nicotine, because I needed something to do with my itchy hands. I couldn’t do this. Fuck me, I just couldn’t. I knew there was nowhere I would be than right here, but at that moment, it seemed like purgatory.
God, I wished I was back in Florida. I pulled my phone out and dialed Dr. Todd’s direct line. It rang and rang. On the eleventh ring, I hung up. It was Saturday; of course he wasn’t in his office. I had his personal number somewhere in my suitcase but didn’t have the energy to go looking for it. I guess I could call the main number and talk to another staff person on duty, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.
I stood there warring with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down in surprise to see Ruby staring out into the yard, her hand clutching my sleeve. “Thank you, Clay. For everything you’ve done,” she whispered, her voice sounding hoarse.
I closed my eyes. I could do this. Ruby needed me. I had to stop being so goddamned weak. I brought my hand up to cover hers and we stood that way, in the cold. Two people barely holding on but trying desperately to keep each other going.
“We should start getting ready,” Ruby said, squeezing my fingers before letting go. She seemed to be trying to pull herself together and I was unfairly grateful for that. Because again, that horribly selfish part of me needed her strength for myself. I was scared as hell that if she depended too much on mine I’d only let her down.
“Okay. We should probably get over to the church soon. See if there’s any last minute details we need to go over,” I said. Ruby nodded and went back inside. I stood out there for another few minutes, finally focusing on my own feelings of sadness and grief.
This sadness was painfully familiar. The silent, open mouthed suffering was something I had felt entirely too much of in my life. The barely controllable urge to purge my grief with the slice of a razor was overwhelming, its kiss sweet on my skin. I could almost hear the darkness whisper in my ear, a taunting tease of potential relief.
I had known this was the risk of coming back here. I knew that it resurrected a thousand instincts to hurt, to maim and to destroy everything inside of me. Everything that I had worked so hard to rebuild. But progress was a flimsy thing. And the need to tear it all down was a much stronger adversary.
Leaving the center was like leaving a warm and safe cocoon and being thrown headfirst into complete and utter chaos. From the moment my plane had touched down in Virginia, I struggled to remember that I was in control of these traitorous feelings. That it was my choice to cope in a healthier way. That was what Dr. Todd kept drilling into my head. It’s my choice. MINE!
But returning to Davidson, particularly under these circumstances, was proving a true test of my new found resolve. The meds helped. I was taking them as scheduled. So I could tick that off my responsible Clayton Reed list.
The stuff I had learned in therapy rattled around in my head, reminding me to breathe. To re-frame. To talk myself off the cliff I was already in danger of toppling over.
But like I said before, Ruby needed me. And even though it made my anxiety that much more acute, I needed to remember that. But I had always been the needy one. The truth was I needed Ruby. Maggie. Lisa. Even as I had always denied needing anyone.
And now I was the one being leaned on and I wasn’t so sure I could handle the pressure. The longer it went on, the harder it became. I was brittle and raw and I knew that Dr. Todd’s concerns about me coming back were legitimate ones.
I was on a precariously slippery slope. The wrong move, the wrong thought and I would be sliding down on my ass. And the landing would be hard.
But that didn’t change the fact that I had responsibilities. And that trumped everything else. It had to.
***
I was making it through the day. Barely. The light drizzle from earlier had changed into a steady downpour. Even the weather was in mourning. Everything felt dark. I focused on my damn breathing even as my guts knotted up inside of me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I swear I could write my own book on all the different ways to freaking breathe.
They were still there. The half full coffee cup as well. It was starting to grow mold on the rim, but when I had tried to move it, Ruby had freaked out. So I had left it alone. Picking up my phone I checked the time.
Shit, it was already eleven-thirty. I needed to get a move on. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my grey slacks and a black button down shirt. I hung them on the kitchen door and got out the ironing board.
I was busy ironing when Ruby finally emerged. She was still in her robe; her red hair looked as though it hadn’t seen a brush in a year. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her lips were cracked and chapped from her gnawing at them.
“Morning,” I said, watching her open the cabinet and pulling down a mug. She gave me a tiny smile as she started to grind coffee beans. “You want me to make you some breakfast?” I asked after I finished ironing my shirt.
Ruby shook her head and waited for her coffee to brew. The silence in the kitchen made me antsy. I watched my aunt who seemed to be barely functioning and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
I left her, staring at the coffee pot and went out into the back yard. The air was cold and it had started to drizzle. I drew the frigid air into my lungs and held it there until my chest burned with the need to breathe.
Letting the air out slowly I wished I had developed a taste for nicotine, because I needed something to do with my itchy hands. I couldn’t do this. Fuck me, I just couldn’t. I knew there was nowhere I would be than right here, but at that moment, it seemed like purgatory.
God, I wished I was back in Florida. I pulled my phone out and dialed Dr. Todd’s direct line. It rang and rang. On the eleventh ring, I hung up. It was Saturday; of course he wasn’t in his office. I had his personal number somewhere in my suitcase but didn’t have the energy to go looking for it. I guess I could call the main number and talk to another staff person on duty, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.
I stood there warring with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down in surprise to see Ruby staring out into the yard, her hand clutching my sleeve. “Thank you, Clay. For everything you’ve done,” she whispered, her voice sounding hoarse.
I closed my eyes. I could do this. Ruby needed me. I had to stop being so goddamned weak. I brought my hand up to cover hers and we stood that way, in the cold. Two people barely holding on but trying desperately to keep each other going.
“We should start getting ready,” Ruby said, squeezing my fingers before letting go. She seemed to be trying to pull herself together and I was unfairly grateful for that. Because again, that horribly selfish part of me needed her strength for myself. I was scared as hell that if she depended too much on mine I’d only let her down.
“Okay. We should probably get over to the church soon. See if there’s any last minute details we need to go over,” I said. Ruby nodded and went back inside. I stood out there for another few minutes, finally focusing on my own feelings of sadness and grief.
This sadness was painfully familiar. The silent, open mouthed suffering was something I had felt entirely too much of in my life. The barely controllable urge to purge my grief with the slice of a razor was overwhelming, its kiss sweet on my skin. I could almost hear the darkness whisper in my ear, a taunting tease of potential relief.
I had known this was the risk of coming back here. I knew that it resurrected a thousand instincts to hurt, to maim and to destroy everything inside of me. Everything that I had worked so hard to rebuild. But progress was a flimsy thing. And the need to tear it all down was a much stronger adversary.
Leaving the center was like leaving a warm and safe cocoon and being thrown headfirst into complete and utter chaos. From the moment my plane had touched down in Virginia, I struggled to remember that I was in control of these traitorous feelings. That it was my choice to cope in a healthier way. That was what Dr. Todd kept drilling into my head. It’s my choice. MINE!
But returning to Davidson, particularly under these circumstances, was proving a true test of my new found resolve. The meds helped. I was taking them as scheduled. So I could tick that off my responsible Clayton Reed list.
The stuff I had learned in therapy rattled around in my head, reminding me to breathe. To re-frame. To talk myself off the cliff I was already in danger of toppling over.
But like I said before, Ruby needed me. And even though it made my anxiety that much more acute, I needed to remember that. But I had always been the needy one. The truth was I needed Ruby. Maggie. Lisa. Even as I had always denied needing anyone.
And now I was the one being leaned on and I wasn’t so sure I could handle the pressure. The longer it went on, the harder it became. I was brittle and raw and I knew that Dr. Todd’s concerns about me coming back were legitimate ones.
I was on a precariously slippery slope. The wrong move, the wrong thought and I would be sliding down on my ass. And the landing would be hard.
But that didn’t change the fact that I had responsibilities. And that trumped everything else. It had to.
***
I was making it through the day. Barely. The light drizzle from earlier had changed into a steady downpour. Even the weather was in mourning. Everything felt dark. I focused on my damn breathing even as my guts knotted up inside of me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I swear I could write my own book on all the different ways to freaking breathe.
