Light in the Shadows
Page 39
I needed to pull it together. I needed to be the man Ruby could count on, not just someone to leech on everyone else’s strength. It’s in times of crisis that your merit is proven? Well I had a hell of a lot to prove right now. To myself and to everyone who doubted I could be anything more than the crazy kid ready to go over the edge.
I was engaged in this furious internal dialogue. Jumping back and forth between giving myself a perky little pep talk and mentally screaming at myself to man up. I was totally absorbed in it, trying to get up the nerve to go to the front of the church and sit with Ruby in the pew where she sat quietly sobbing.
I had been able to lose myself in the final arrangements when we had arrived, but now the start of the service drew closer and I was cracking up a bit. Okay, not a bit…a lot.
I watched as people stopped by Ruby to talk to her. She was trying to be polite but she was so consumed by her grief that she could do little more than nod. I should get up there and help her out, but I felt rooted to the spot.
It was all almost too much to bear. But I really needed to get over that. It wasn’t fair to leave her alone. Not now. Not when she had never abandoned me when I needed her. But there was that part of me that fought for self-preservation and I knew this whole scene had the makings of my own personal disaster.
I was very close to running out the side door and never looking back. Drive straight to the airport and jump on the first available flight out of f**king Virginia.
I had almost talked myself into it when I felt a stirring in the air. It was an intense humming that took my body completely by surprise. The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I just knew.
She was here.
Maggie.
And just like that, the fuzzy black faded away and everything clicked into place. My heart thudded into over drive and palms started to sweat so I shoved them into the pockets of my grey slacks.
Of course she came. I knew she’d be there. And though I tried not to allow myself the hope of seeing her, I couldn’t deny that I had longed for it all the same.
And here she was, looking the same only better. Her dark hair looked shorter and was pulled back in a low ponytail. She wore a black wool coat over a dark green dress. She looked beautiful and perfect and the embodiment of everything I had always craved.
She walked into the church, flanked by her parents. I barely noticed them or the fact that Rachel and Daniel followed close behind. My eyes were only for her. I knew I should go to Ruby. But I couldn’t make myself move. I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.
Please.
As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it. Too much had changed. Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had. She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up. But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on. And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.
But God, I loved her. She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months. She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved. And this was why I wasn’t any good for her. My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.
But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared. Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly. Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.
I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie. But there was no detaining her. Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.
It was like every time we were together. Our bodies orbited around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.
I wanted this. And I wanted to run from it. I wanted to pull her in and never let go. And I wanted to push her away.
Two minutes. That’s all it took for my head to short circuit.
Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other. I didn’t know what to say. What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart? And at a funeral no less.
I could see she was struggling as much as I was. And I hated that. Her face was flushed and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck. I wanted to taste her skin and feel her heart beat beneath my lips.
So instead, I went for the anti-climactic.
“Hi,” I said softly. Maggie closed her eyes, as if in pain and when she opened them again, they were wet with tears.
“Hi,” she said, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. But I could hear her. I could always hear her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my fingers tingled with anticipation. As if they were already plotting ways to do so. My breathing became shallow and I felt light headed.
The emotional punch to the gut was enough to leave me reeling. And apparently Maggie was feeling the same way. We stood there, staring at each other, unconcerned by the rest of the people in the room.
My eyes drank in the sight of her after so long. I was drowning and parched all at the same time. My senses were desperate to see, smell, taste, touch every inch of Maggie May Young. But I was also overwhelmed by her presence. Because with her came a deluge of memories that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. Ones that left me shattered and torn apart.
I was engaged in this furious internal dialogue. Jumping back and forth between giving myself a perky little pep talk and mentally screaming at myself to man up. I was totally absorbed in it, trying to get up the nerve to go to the front of the church and sit with Ruby in the pew where she sat quietly sobbing.
I had been able to lose myself in the final arrangements when we had arrived, but now the start of the service drew closer and I was cracking up a bit. Okay, not a bit…a lot.
I watched as people stopped by Ruby to talk to her. She was trying to be polite but she was so consumed by her grief that she could do little more than nod. I should get up there and help her out, but I felt rooted to the spot.
It was all almost too much to bear. But I really needed to get over that. It wasn’t fair to leave her alone. Not now. Not when she had never abandoned me when I needed her. But there was that part of me that fought for self-preservation and I knew this whole scene had the makings of my own personal disaster.
I was very close to running out the side door and never looking back. Drive straight to the airport and jump on the first available flight out of f**king Virginia.
I had almost talked myself into it when I felt a stirring in the air. It was an intense humming that took my body completely by surprise. The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I just knew.
She was here.
Maggie.
And just like that, the fuzzy black faded away and everything clicked into place. My heart thudded into over drive and palms started to sweat so I shoved them into the pockets of my grey slacks.
Of course she came. I knew she’d be there. And though I tried not to allow myself the hope of seeing her, I couldn’t deny that I had longed for it all the same.
And here she was, looking the same only better. Her dark hair looked shorter and was pulled back in a low ponytail. She wore a black wool coat over a dark green dress. She looked beautiful and perfect and the embodiment of everything I had always craved.
She walked into the church, flanked by her parents. I barely noticed them or the fact that Rachel and Daniel followed close behind. My eyes were only for her. I knew I should go to Ruby. But I couldn’t make myself move. I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.
Please.
As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it. Too much had changed. Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had. She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up. But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on. And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.
But God, I loved her. She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months. She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved. And this was why I wasn’t any good for her. My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.
But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared. Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly. Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.
I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie. But there was no detaining her. Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.
It was like every time we were together. Our bodies orbited around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.
I wanted this. And I wanted to run from it. I wanted to pull her in and never let go. And I wanted to push her away.
Two minutes. That’s all it took for my head to short circuit.
Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other. I didn’t know what to say. What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart? And at a funeral no less.
I could see she was struggling as much as I was. And I hated that. Her face was flushed and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck. I wanted to taste her skin and feel her heart beat beneath my lips.
So instead, I went for the anti-climactic.
“Hi,” I said softly. Maggie closed her eyes, as if in pain and when she opened them again, they were wet with tears.
“Hi,” she said, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. But I could hear her. I could always hear her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my fingers tingled with anticipation. As if they were already plotting ways to do so. My breathing became shallow and I felt light headed.
The emotional punch to the gut was enough to leave me reeling. And apparently Maggie was feeling the same way. We stood there, staring at each other, unconcerned by the rest of the people in the room.
My eyes drank in the sight of her after so long. I was drowning and parched all at the same time. My senses were desperate to see, smell, taste, touch every inch of Maggie May Young. But I was also overwhelmed by her presence. Because with her came a deluge of memories that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. Ones that left me shattered and torn apart.
