Light in the Shadows
Page 40
The last time I had seen her I had been lying in a hospital bed and her face had been red and splotchy from crying. The ringing of what I thought was her betrayal loud in my ears. I had turned on her. Turned on myself. And I had almost taken us both down in my delusions.
“Clay, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Maggie said after a few heartbeats. The way she said my name made me tremble inside. I was acting like a little girl. Man up! I told myself harshly. Don’t let her see you crumble.
But her voice, smooth and full of emotion hit me straight in the center of my chest. The soft cadence of her voice as it tumbled out of her mouth both scared and soothed me. Looking at her, I didn’t see a girl who had moved on. I saw someone who ached for me just as I was did her.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached out and grabbed ahold of her hand, slightly tugging her forward. She moved, as if without her volition. The tips of our shoes touched and we were so close I could smell the mint on her breath. Her eyes widened at my presumption, but I noticed she didn’t back away.
I held her hand tightly in mine and she tentatively squeezed. And everything inside of me started to unravel. My fear, my panic, it all just faded into the background. She was all I saw. She was all I needed. Just like always.
“Clay. I’m so sorry about Lisa.” A voice brought me out of the moment. Maggie blinked a few times and seemed to suddenly realize how close we were standing. She pulled her hand away and I was left clutching only air. She took a few steps backward and looked at the ground sheepishly.
My heart squeezed painfully and I ran my hands through my hair. I looked at the person who had interrupted us and tried not to bite their f**king head off.
“Thanks, Rachel. It’s good to see you, even under the circumstances,” I offered politely, my eyes moving back to Maggie, who had refused to look at me again.
“We’re thinking of you, man.” Daniel Lowe had come up beside Rachel and I noticed the way his hand fell possessively to the small of her back. Wow, glad to see that they were still going strong. That some relationships could survive. It made my generally pessimistic outlook a little brighter.
“Thank you,” I told him genuinely, sparing Maggie’s best friends a look. I tried to give them my attention but my focus was only for the dark haired girl who was now looking everywhere but at me.
The four of us stood there awkwardly. I knew I was being a little stalkarish with the way I was staring at Maggie. But I couldn’t look away. I had spent way too many days fantasizing about seeing her face again. I didn’t think I had it in me to look anywhere else ever again.
Maggie moved back even further and I felt the separation like a physical ache. She seemed nervous all of a sudden and I didn’t have to wonder too long what put the anxiety on her face.
“Hi Clayton.” A warm hand came down on my arm and I looked away from my girl to see her mother standing beside me, wearing a worried but sympathetic expression. She looked between Maggie and me and I knew that she was concerned about what my unexpected reemergence meant for her daughter.
And not for the first time I hated myself for being the guy who would make them worry. I didn’t want to be someone they feared. But I was and I knew that wasn’t likely to change, no matter how much I tried to be different.
Mrs. Young gave me a hug and I tried not to act surprised by it. But Maggie’s mom had always been a lot easier to be around than her dad. As if on cue, Mr. Young flanked his wife’s side and watched me warily.
“We were sorry to hear about Lisa,” he said gruffly, scratching at his beard uncomfortably. I didn’t say anything. Mr. Young had a way of making me feel two years old and two feet tall. Like I was being examined and coming up short.
Mrs. Young took Maggie by the elbow and led her away. Her father followed behind, leaving me standing with the protective best friends. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the need to flee all over again.
“So, Clay, how long are you in town for?” Daniel asked, trying to make the question sound informal but I knew he was really digging for information. He didn’t want me here, that was obvious. Daniel and I had been close to being friends before. But we had never quite gotten there. And then I had taken off with Maggie and he had been there to clean up my mess after I had left.
So I knew, without a doubt, I wasn’t one of his favorite people.
“Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess I’ll just see how Ruby gets on. I don’t want to just leave her, you know?” I forced myself to meet his eyes and pressed my lips together. I sort of wanted to tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t need his disapproval.
But for the sake of harmony, I kept my mouth shut. It was Rachel who nodded in understanding. “Well, you can only take it one day at a time.” She spoke as though from experience and it made me wonder what more there was to Maggie’s unassuming best friend. I had never paid much attention to her except as an extension of Maggie. But her eyes glowed with their own hidden pain and I knew she got it.
“Yeah,” I murmured, not knowing what else to say. And apparently they didn’t either, so they moved on down the aisle, finding their place beside Maggie. I watched the three of them huddle together. Daniel and Rachel on one side, her parents on the other. They circled her in their support and love and I found that I was unreasonably jealous.
Not for the unconditional affection she was receiving but for the fact that I wasn’t the one to give it her. She should be by my side. With me. We should be holding up and leaning on each other. But I had given up that right when I had left her. When I had written that f**king letter that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.
“Clay, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Maggie said after a few heartbeats. The way she said my name made me tremble inside. I was acting like a little girl. Man up! I told myself harshly. Don’t let her see you crumble.
But her voice, smooth and full of emotion hit me straight in the center of my chest. The soft cadence of her voice as it tumbled out of her mouth both scared and soothed me. Looking at her, I didn’t see a girl who had moved on. I saw someone who ached for me just as I was did her.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached out and grabbed ahold of her hand, slightly tugging her forward. She moved, as if without her volition. The tips of our shoes touched and we were so close I could smell the mint on her breath. Her eyes widened at my presumption, but I noticed she didn’t back away.
I held her hand tightly in mine and she tentatively squeezed. And everything inside of me started to unravel. My fear, my panic, it all just faded into the background. She was all I saw. She was all I needed. Just like always.
“Clay. I’m so sorry about Lisa.” A voice brought me out of the moment. Maggie blinked a few times and seemed to suddenly realize how close we were standing. She pulled her hand away and I was left clutching only air. She took a few steps backward and looked at the ground sheepishly.
My heart squeezed painfully and I ran my hands through my hair. I looked at the person who had interrupted us and tried not to bite their f**king head off.
“Thanks, Rachel. It’s good to see you, even under the circumstances,” I offered politely, my eyes moving back to Maggie, who had refused to look at me again.
“We’re thinking of you, man.” Daniel Lowe had come up beside Rachel and I noticed the way his hand fell possessively to the small of her back. Wow, glad to see that they were still going strong. That some relationships could survive. It made my generally pessimistic outlook a little brighter.
“Thank you,” I told him genuinely, sparing Maggie’s best friends a look. I tried to give them my attention but my focus was only for the dark haired girl who was now looking everywhere but at me.
The four of us stood there awkwardly. I knew I was being a little stalkarish with the way I was staring at Maggie. But I couldn’t look away. I had spent way too many days fantasizing about seeing her face again. I didn’t think I had it in me to look anywhere else ever again.
Maggie moved back even further and I felt the separation like a physical ache. She seemed nervous all of a sudden and I didn’t have to wonder too long what put the anxiety on her face.
“Hi Clayton.” A warm hand came down on my arm and I looked away from my girl to see her mother standing beside me, wearing a worried but sympathetic expression. She looked between Maggie and me and I knew that she was concerned about what my unexpected reemergence meant for her daughter.
And not for the first time I hated myself for being the guy who would make them worry. I didn’t want to be someone they feared. But I was and I knew that wasn’t likely to change, no matter how much I tried to be different.
Mrs. Young gave me a hug and I tried not to act surprised by it. But Maggie’s mom had always been a lot easier to be around than her dad. As if on cue, Mr. Young flanked his wife’s side and watched me warily.
“We were sorry to hear about Lisa,” he said gruffly, scratching at his beard uncomfortably. I didn’t say anything. Mr. Young had a way of making me feel two years old and two feet tall. Like I was being examined and coming up short.
Mrs. Young took Maggie by the elbow and led her away. Her father followed behind, leaving me standing with the protective best friends. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the need to flee all over again.
“So, Clay, how long are you in town for?” Daniel asked, trying to make the question sound informal but I knew he was really digging for information. He didn’t want me here, that was obvious. Daniel and I had been close to being friends before. But we had never quite gotten there. And then I had taken off with Maggie and he had been there to clean up my mess after I had left.
So I knew, without a doubt, I wasn’t one of his favorite people.
“Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess I’ll just see how Ruby gets on. I don’t want to just leave her, you know?” I forced myself to meet his eyes and pressed my lips together. I sort of wanted to tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t need his disapproval.
But for the sake of harmony, I kept my mouth shut. It was Rachel who nodded in understanding. “Well, you can only take it one day at a time.” She spoke as though from experience and it made me wonder what more there was to Maggie’s unassuming best friend. I had never paid much attention to her except as an extension of Maggie. But her eyes glowed with their own hidden pain and I knew she got it.
“Yeah,” I murmured, not knowing what else to say. And apparently they didn’t either, so they moved on down the aisle, finding their place beside Maggie. I watched the three of them huddle together. Daniel and Rachel on one side, her parents on the other. They circled her in their support and love and I found that I was unreasonably jealous.
Not for the unconditional affection she was receiving but for the fact that I wasn’t the one to give it her. She should be by my side. With me. We should be holding up and leaning on each other. But I had given up that right when I had left her. When I had written that f**king letter that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.
