Light in the Shadows
Page 44
We didn’t say anything else. We really didn’t need to. But after a while I realized it was growing late as the shadows deepened in the room. The light fought to chase them away and it was like watching a struggle as one tried to overtake the other.
“I think we should go downstairs,” I said softly, rubbing the back of his head, letting his hair slide between my fingers, perhaps for the last time.
Clay reluctantly sat up and rubbed at his face with his hands. “Thank you, Maggie. You’re always here to save me, aren’t you?” He touched my face, his eyes dropping to my mouth as if by compulsion. I wondered briefly if he would try and kiss me. And if he did, would I let him?
Turns out I didn’t have to think about that too much, because without another word, Clay got to his feet and left the room. I sat there, not sure what to do. After sharing such an intense moment together, it felt strange to go. But Clay leaving me alone spoke volumes.
I turned off the light and closed the bedroom door behind me. Going down the stairs I finally saw Ruby. She was talking to Lisa’s sister and I recognized Tilly from the shop. The same Tilly that had openly lusted after Clay; who I noticed was once again missing in action.
So I used the time to pay Ruby my respects. She hugged me tightly and thanked me for coming. I ignored Tilly. So, maybe that was rude, but I never liked the girl. And I didn’t want to think about her being here to comfort Clay. It made me want to bring the claws out and make her my bitch.
I returned to Rachel and Daniel who asked me where I had disappeared to. “I was around.” No sense in trying to come up with a lie, they’d see through it anyway. We got our things and left. And even though I looked for him, I didn’t see Clay again.
Chapter Thirteen
-Clay-
I had made the decision to stay in Davidson. After the get together was over and I had cleaned up the mess, I had sat with Ruby for a long while. She was going through picture albums, stopping periodically to cry. It killed me to see her like this and I knew then I couldn’t leave her. She had never left me and I was determined to return the favor.
Okay, so part of me was motivated by something else as well. And that something was more like a someone with brown hair and beautiful eyes.
I had been ill prepared to see Maggie again. Even though I thought I was ready. Lord knows I had imagined it enough times. But still coming face to face with her had thrown me.
And then there was that moment up in my bedroom. Finding her there had given me instant déjà vu. I felt like I had been sucked into a time warp, as I had walked up the steps to find the door to my room wide open. She was sitting on my bed, as though she were waiting for me. Like she had done so many times before.
And it was easy to get pulled back into that pattern of letting her take care of me. For a moment, we had drifted back into our old roles. Me the broken one and Maggie, the girl piecing me back together.
But that was beyond screwed up. I was trying really hard to get rid of the person that I was. But being around Maggie made it hard to leave him in my past. And as f**ked up as it was, I realized I missed the old Clay. Because the old Clay belonged with Maggie. The Clay that I was now didn’t seem to belong anywhere.
I hadn’t told Ruby my plans yet, I was still marinating over the complete upheaval it would create in my world. The first three days back in Davidson had been spent with total, overwhelming anxiety. I had wanted to run, to get my ass back to Grayson. But here I was, Saturday night, knowing deep in my bones that I wouldn’t be going anywhere.
Dr. Todd would not be happy. He had warned me that coming back to a place that carried so much baggage would be opening myself up to old wounds. I was supposed to be prepared for this. Hadn’t that been what I’d spent the last three months doing? But the pull I felt in Davidson, Virginia was too strong to resist.
Plus, it was my life. I could do with it what I wanted. Okay, even I recognized how counterproductive that statement was, but I was feeling testy and defensive. And I knew I’d be letting people down back in Florida. But the people that mattered the most were right here, and that’s what was important.
After Ruby went to bed, I spent a long time sitting up, going through the same photo albums. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and accidentally knocked over Lisa’s coffee mug. It fell to the hard wood floor and broke into pieces.
Shit! I leaned down and picked up the mess. Then, on an impulse, I picked up Lisa’s glasses, gathered her slippers that still lay where she had kicked them off beside the couch. I grabbed her grey sweater that lay over the back of the chair and took them into the kitchen. I was suddenly very, very angry.
I found a black trash bag and dumped the painful reminders inside. I tied it shut and dropped it at the foot of the stairs. When I was done, I stood there, bracing myself against the wall, breathing quickly.
Now that my spurt of anger had disappeared, I realized Ruby would have my head for messing with Lisa’s stuff like that. But I just couldn’t handle sitting around while her shit lay about like she would walk through the door at any moment.
Like today was just any other day and not the day we had put her in the ground. It wasn’t right. And I was sick and tired of living in a delusion. Sure life was tough to deal with and some days it took everything in me to even put my feet on the floor. But that was better than living a lie, with the unrealistic expectations that would never be realized.
I picked up the bag and quietly took it up stairs. I opened up the door to Ruby’s bedroom. She was finally asleep, curled under a blanket. Trying to be as silent as possible, I opened the bag and took out Lisa’s stuff. I gently laid them out on the dresser just inside the entry way.
“I think we should go downstairs,” I said softly, rubbing the back of his head, letting his hair slide between my fingers, perhaps for the last time.
Clay reluctantly sat up and rubbed at his face with his hands. “Thank you, Maggie. You’re always here to save me, aren’t you?” He touched my face, his eyes dropping to my mouth as if by compulsion. I wondered briefly if he would try and kiss me. And if he did, would I let him?
Turns out I didn’t have to think about that too much, because without another word, Clay got to his feet and left the room. I sat there, not sure what to do. After sharing such an intense moment together, it felt strange to go. But Clay leaving me alone spoke volumes.
I turned off the light and closed the bedroom door behind me. Going down the stairs I finally saw Ruby. She was talking to Lisa’s sister and I recognized Tilly from the shop. The same Tilly that had openly lusted after Clay; who I noticed was once again missing in action.
So I used the time to pay Ruby my respects. She hugged me tightly and thanked me for coming. I ignored Tilly. So, maybe that was rude, but I never liked the girl. And I didn’t want to think about her being here to comfort Clay. It made me want to bring the claws out and make her my bitch.
I returned to Rachel and Daniel who asked me where I had disappeared to. “I was around.” No sense in trying to come up with a lie, they’d see through it anyway. We got our things and left. And even though I looked for him, I didn’t see Clay again.
Chapter Thirteen
-Clay-
I had made the decision to stay in Davidson. After the get together was over and I had cleaned up the mess, I had sat with Ruby for a long while. She was going through picture albums, stopping periodically to cry. It killed me to see her like this and I knew then I couldn’t leave her. She had never left me and I was determined to return the favor.
Okay, so part of me was motivated by something else as well. And that something was more like a someone with brown hair and beautiful eyes.
I had been ill prepared to see Maggie again. Even though I thought I was ready. Lord knows I had imagined it enough times. But still coming face to face with her had thrown me.
And then there was that moment up in my bedroom. Finding her there had given me instant déjà vu. I felt like I had been sucked into a time warp, as I had walked up the steps to find the door to my room wide open. She was sitting on my bed, as though she were waiting for me. Like she had done so many times before.
And it was easy to get pulled back into that pattern of letting her take care of me. For a moment, we had drifted back into our old roles. Me the broken one and Maggie, the girl piecing me back together.
But that was beyond screwed up. I was trying really hard to get rid of the person that I was. But being around Maggie made it hard to leave him in my past. And as f**ked up as it was, I realized I missed the old Clay. Because the old Clay belonged with Maggie. The Clay that I was now didn’t seem to belong anywhere.
I hadn’t told Ruby my plans yet, I was still marinating over the complete upheaval it would create in my world. The first three days back in Davidson had been spent with total, overwhelming anxiety. I had wanted to run, to get my ass back to Grayson. But here I was, Saturday night, knowing deep in my bones that I wouldn’t be going anywhere.
Dr. Todd would not be happy. He had warned me that coming back to a place that carried so much baggage would be opening myself up to old wounds. I was supposed to be prepared for this. Hadn’t that been what I’d spent the last three months doing? But the pull I felt in Davidson, Virginia was too strong to resist.
Plus, it was my life. I could do with it what I wanted. Okay, even I recognized how counterproductive that statement was, but I was feeling testy and defensive. And I knew I’d be letting people down back in Florida. But the people that mattered the most were right here, and that’s what was important.
After Ruby went to bed, I spent a long time sitting up, going through the same photo albums. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and accidentally knocked over Lisa’s coffee mug. It fell to the hard wood floor and broke into pieces.
Shit! I leaned down and picked up the mess. Then, on an impulse, I picked up Lisa’s glasses, gathered her slippers that still lay where she had kicked them off beside the couch. I grabbed her grey sweater that lay over the back of the chair and took them into the kitchen. I was suddenly very, very angry.
I found a black trash bag and dumped the painful reminders inside. I tied it shut and dropped it at the foot of the stairs. When I was done, I stood there, bracing myself against the wall, breathing quickly.
Now that my spurt of anger had disappeared, I realized Ruby would have my head for messing with Lisa’s stuff like that. But I just couldn’t handle sitting around while her shit lay about like she would walk through the door at any moment.
Like today was just any other day and not the day we had put her in the ground. It wasn’t right. And I was sick and tired of living in a delusion. Sure life was tough to deal with and some days it took everything in me to even put my feet on the floor. But that was better than living a lie, with the unrealistic expectations that would never be realized.
I picked up the bag and quietly took it up stairs. I opened up the door to Ruby’s bedroom. She was finally asleep, curled under a blanket. Trying to be as silent as possible, I opened the bag and took out Lisa’s stuff. I gently laid them out on the dresser just inside the entry way.
