Light in the Shadows
Page 45
When I was done, I took a final look at Ruby, who hadn’t moved, and closed the door behind me. Standing in the hallway, I made another decision. I strode across the floorboards and flung my bedroom door open, wincing when it hit the wall with a bang.
I turned on the light and went inside. I could still see the indentation on the bedspread from where Maggie was sitting earlier. Looking around, I wondered why I had been so scared to come in here.
It was just a room, like any other. Only this one seemed to whisper with a hundred memories. Some I wanted to remember, others I didn’t. But whatever, this was my room and I had to start learning to exorcise the ghosts of my past. There was no way I could move forward, in whatever direction my future decided to take me, unless I faced things.
I was sick and tired of being a weak coward. And staying in this room, even if it seemed a small thing to do, was a start.
I went downstairs and turned off the lights, then grabbed my suitcase and lugged it up the stairs. I placed it on the bed and opened it, pulling out my clothes and then unceremoniously dumped them into my chest of drawers. When I was finished, I stuffed my now empty suitcase into my closet.
Then curling up on my bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.
***
The next morning, I spent a good portion of the time putting off the inevitable; calling Dr. Todd and explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to Grayson. Ruby was still in her room. I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not but I made sure to be quiet, just in case.
I sat down in the living room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed Dr. Todd’s personal number before I lost my nerve. It rang twice before he answered.
“Hey doc, how’s it goin’?” I asked lightly. I picked up the pen and started doodling on a pad of paper.
“Clayton, it’s nice to hear from you. How were things yesterday?” he asked. I gave him the quick rundown about the service, the get together afterwards. I told him about Ruby and how hard this was on her. And then I told him about Maggie, seeing her again and how tough that had been for me.
Just like always, unloading felt really good. It was unbelievable that I had fought sharing my feelings for so long. I really was such a fool. It was amazing how knowing someone would listen patiently made it so easy to open up.
“That’s a lot for someone to handle, Clay. How are you dealing with everything?” his question was loaded with a million tiny subtexts. Was I cutting? Was I drinking? Was there a hypodermic needle poking out of my arm as we speak? Was I falling face first in a pile of my own shit?
“I’m dealing. Some minutes are easier than others, but so far so good.” And that was the truth. I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon just yet. Though the temptation was pretty damn great.
“That’s wonderful, Clay. I’m glad to hear that. Now, why don’t you tell me the reason for your call?” said Dr. Todd, the all-seeing psychic. The man was good, too good. And here I thought I was hiding my true intentions so well. I was clearly losing my touch.
I took a deep breath and laid it all out there. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was better to do it quickly. “I’m staying in Davidson.” I sounded belligerent as though daring him to argue with me.
“I suspected this would happen. I know how hard it is to leave home, once you’re there,” Dr. Todd said patiently, making me feel unreasonably guilty. It wasn’t as though he were trying to shame me. In fact he sounded totally understanding, but I felt the disappointment a thousand miles away.
“I just can’t leave Ruby. Not like this. She’s going through a lot and I would hate myself if I took off again,” I explained.
“I understand, Clay, I really do. But as your therapist, I have to remind you of the fact that you have two more weeks left in your treatment contract. Three months may seem like a long time but when it comes to getting a handle on your issues, it’s not nearly long enough. Don’t become complacent in your treatment,” Dr. Todd told me firmly. He was using his principal voice. The one that let me know I needed to listen to what he was telling me.
And I was listening, honestly. But that wouldn’t change my decision. My mind was set.
“Does that mean I have to come back? Because I was under the impression that I could make those decisions for myself now,” I said sharply, not liking the fact that I was now starting to second guess myself.
“You are one hundred percent right. You control where you go and what you do. You are an adult now, Clay. You are not a direct danger to yourself or others, so I can’t force you to readmit yourself. But I won’t lie to you; I’m very concerned about you leaving treatment so abruptly, whatever the reason. Given the severity of your illness, you can’t take that lightly. But if you are set against returning to Grayson, I think we need to put some things into place to ensure you won’t relapse. Which includes continuing your medication regimen. No ifs, ands or buts, Clayton,” Dr. Todd explained.
“I know that, Doc. I won’t forget to take my medicine like a good little boy,” I spat out, taking my frustration out on the person I knew could take it.
Dr. Todd didn’t address my surly attitude. “And you need to continue with your therapy, but on an outpatient basis now. I want you to call the counselor I told you about. Shaemus Laughtry is one of the best LPCs in the field. I have worked with him in the past and I’m more than comfortable with transferring your case to him. He and I can work together to ensure your treatment is seamless. I’m serious about this Clay. You can’t afford to quit now. You’ve come a long way, but you still have a lot ahead of you.”
I turned on the light and went inside. I could still see the indentation on the bedspread from where Maggie was sitting earlier. Looking around, I wondered why I had been so scared to come in here.
It was just a room, like any other. Only this one seemed to whisper with a hundred memories. Some I wanted to remember, others I didn’t. But whatever, this was my room and I had to start learning to exorcise the ghosts of my past. There was no way I could move forward, in whatever direction my future decided to take me, unless I faced things.
I was sick and tired of being a weak coward. And staying in this room, even if it seemed a small thing to do, was a start.
I went downstairs and turned off the lights, then grabbed my suitcase and lugged it up the stairs. I placed it on the bed and opened it, pulling out my clothes and then unceremoniously dumped them into my chest of drawers. When I was finished, I stuffed my now empty suitcase into my closet.
Then curling up on my bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.
***
The next morning, I spent a good portion of the time putting off the inevitable; calling Dr. Todd and explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to Grayson. Ruby was still in her room. I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not but I made sure to be quiet, just in case.
I sat down in the living room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed Dr. Todd’s personal number before I lost my nerve. It rang twice before he answered.
“Hey doc, how’s it goin’?” I asked lightly. I picked up the pen and started doodling on a pad of paper.
“Clayton, it’s nice to hear from you. How were things yesterday?” he asked. I gave him the quick rundown about the service, the get together afterwards. I told him about Ruby and how hard this was on her. And then I told him about Maggie, seeing her again and how tough that had been for me.
Just like always, unloading felt really good. It was unbelievable that I had fought sharing my feelings for so long. I really was such a fool. It was amazing how knowing someone would listen patiently made it so easy to open up.
“That’s a lot for someone to handle, Clay. How are you dealing with everything?” his question was loaded with a million tiny subtexts. Was I cutting? Was I drinking? Was there a hypodermic needle poking out of my arm as we speak? Was I falling face first in a pile of my own shit?
“I’m dealing. Some minutes are easier than others, but so far so good.” And that was the truth. I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon just yet. Though the temptation was pretty damn great.
“That’s wonderful, Clay. I’m glad to hear that. Now, why don’t you tell me the reason for your call?” said Dr. Todd, the all-seeing psychic. The man was good, too good. And here I thought I was hiding my true intentions so well. I was clearly losing my touch.
I took a deep breath and laid it all out there. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was better to do it quickly. “I’m staying in Davidson.” I sounded belligerent as though daring him to argue with me.
“I suspected this would happen. I know how hard it is to leave home, once you’re there,” Dr. Todd said patiently, making me feel unreasonably guilty. It wasn’t as though he were trying to shame me. In fact he sounded totally understanding, but I felt the disappointment a thousand miles away.
“I just can’t leave Ruby. Not like this. She’s going through a lot and I would hate myself if I took off again,” I explained.
“I understand, Clay, I really do. But as your therapist, I have to remind you of the fact that you have two more weeks left in your treatment contract. Three months may seem like a long time but when it comes to getting a handle on your issues, it’s not nearly long enough. Don’t become complacent in your treatment,” Dr. Todd told me firmly. He was using his principal voice. The one that let me know I needed to listen to what he was telling me.
And I was listening, honestly. But that wouldn’t change my decision. My mind was set.
“Does that mean I have to come back? Because I was under the impression that I could make those decisions for myself now,” I said sharply, not liking the fact that I was now starting to second guess myself.
“You are one hundred percent right. You control where you go and what you do. You are an adult now, Clay. You are not a direct danger to yourself or others, so I can’t force you to readmit yourself. But I won’t lie to you; I’m very concerned about you leaving treatment so abruptly, whatever the reason. Given the severity of your illness, you can’t take that lightly. But if you are set against returning to Grayson, I think we need to put some things into place to ensure you won’t relapse. Which includes continuing your medication regimen. No ifs, ands or buts, Clayton,” Dr. Todd explained.
“I know that, Doc. I won’t forget to take my medicine like a good little boy,” I spat out, taking my frustration out on the person I knew could take it.
Dr. Todd didn’t address my surly attitude. “And you need to continue with your therapy, but on an outpatient basis now. I want you to call the counselor I told you about. Shaemus Laughtry is one of the best LPCs in the field. I have worked with him in the past and I’m more than comfortable with transferring your case to him. He and I can work together to ensure your treatment is seamless. I’m serious about this Clay. You can’t afford to quit now. You’ve come a long way, but you still have a lot ahead of you.”
