Light in the Shadows
Page 88
“Well in saying that, you just confirmed you need rescuing then,” she observed and I didn’t acknowledge it. She sighed heavily and I still refused to look at her. Because looking at her would be my undoing and I was already dangling over the edge, my fingers slipping one at a time.
“So, Ruby’s selling the house,” she said. I nodded.
“Yep, so I’ve been told,” I sounded bitter. Well who f**king cares, I was bitter.
“And you’re feeling like she’s leaving you.” What the hell was with the on the mark analysis?
“Wow, you can read me like a book, huh? Why don’t you tell me all about my f**ked up head, Dr. Young,” I spat out, feeling angry and raw and ready to take down anyone and everyone around me.
Maggie grew quiet again, clearly taken aback by my verbal attack. “You feel like cutting. Or using. Don’t you?” she asked in a hush after a few minutes.
My shoulders sagged and I just felt tired. “I don’t know. Yes. No. I’m just really messed up right now. You should probably leave. We’ve been there done that and you don’t need the front row seat,” I said angrily, wishing for once she’d leave me to my hell. Why did she insist on riding this train wreck with me?
“I’m not going anywhere. Because no one is abandoning you. People can move on and live their lives but that doesn’t mean you’re not a part of it anymore. I love you, Clay. Ruby loves you. Because you, Clay are worthy of that love. You deserve it. All of it. And Ruby and I just want you to find the place where you’ll be okay and healthy. You can get angry with me, tell me to leave. But not once have I ever turned my back on you and I won’t start now,” she told me, putting her hands on me for the first time.
Her fingers gripped my chin and pulled my face around to her. The sight of her in my confused state of mind was like striking a match. And I lost it. I just f**king lost it. I started to sob and I couldn’t stop. I don’t know exactly what I was crying for, except that everything that had been dammed up inside of me was pouring out.
I had always believed I was irredeemable. That I couldn’t expect others to love me when I didn’t even love myself. But Maggie’s words hit me at a moment when I so desperately needed to hear them. I needed to believe that she was right, that I was worthy.
Because I was so angry at myself right now. This had been my chance to make things right. Leaving Grayson had been my new lease on life and I had ruined it. I had deluded myself into thinking I was ready for all of this. Even with the therapy and the meds, I couldn’t do this.
So I cried for the man I couldn’t be. At least not right now. And I felt like in some ways I had been transported back to five months ago when I had made this same realization. Only then it had come with much harsher consequences.
This time, I didn’t cut. I didn’t think of some way to end things so I’d never have to feel this way again. Instead, I clung to my girlfriend. The person who had always been my light in the shadows and who continued to love me even at my worst. Who reminded me that everyone deserved love, even me.
“It’s okay, Clay. We’ll figure it out. Together,” she crooned with my head buried into the soft skin of her neck. Together. That was a word I could live with.
***
I don’t know how long I was at the swimming hole. But I felt like being there, with Maggie, crying like a little kid, was strangely cathartic. By the time we headed back to Ruby’s, it was getting dark. I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. But that nastiness inside me was thankfully quiet. And I couldn’t help but feel like I had turned some sort of corner. I had been given the opportunity to make a choice and I was proud of the fact that I hadn’t made the one that ended in blood.
Maggie followed me in her car. I knew I had scared the shit out of her, but she hadn’t shown it. It was only because I knew her so well that I was able to see the terror in her eyes. I knew how hard it was for her to see me like that, perilously close to that edge I had fallen off before. Not knowing whether I would take her back down the dark road again.
I wish I could say that I would never do that. But the truth was, I just couldn’t be sure and there lied the crux of the problem. The last two and a half months had been more of a holding pattern. I was existing, thinking I was making progress, but in reality I still had such a long way to go.
On the drive home, I finally made a decision about my future. I knew it wasn’t the one everyone wanted me to make, but it was mine. I had made it. Me. And I felt a measure of pride at that.
Ruby was pacing the living room when Maggie and I walked through the door. “Clay!” she called out, rushing over to me. I was enveloped in her patchouli scented arms and I felt the guilt for making her worry.
Maggie stood in the doorway until Ruby waved her into our hug. My aunt held us both, crying and blubbering. “If you don’t want me to sell the house, I won’t. Clay, I’m so sorry, I had no idea it meant so much to you,” Ruby said through her tears of relief that I was home and in one piece. No life threatening self-mutilations. No drug and alcohol induced benders. Those were Maggie and Ruby’s fears when I lost it like that. And that made the choice I had made in the car all the more clear.
I stepped out of Ruby’s hold. “No, Ruby. You can’t make a decision based on me. I’m an adult, not a little kid. I shouldn’t have taken off like that. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I kissed the top of her greying head.
“So, Ruby’s selling the house,” she said. I nodded.
“Yep, so I’ve been told,” I sounded bitter. Well who f**king cares, I was bitter.
“And you’re feeling like she’s leaving you.” What the hell was with the on the mark analysis?
“Wow, you can read me like a book, huh? Why don’t you tell me all about my f**ked up head, Dr. Young,” I spat out, feeling angry and raw and ready to take down anyone and everyone around me.
Maggie grew quiet again, clearly taken aback by my verbal attack. “You feel like cutting. Or using. Don’t you?” she asked in a hush after a few minutes.
My shoulders sagged and I just felt tired. “I don’t know. Yes. No. I’m just really messed up right now. You should probably leave. We’ve been there done that and you don’t need the front row seat,” I said angrily, wishing for once she’d leave me to my hell. Why did she insist on riding this train wreck with me?
“I’m not going anywhere. Because no one is abandoning you. People can move on and live their lives but that doesn’t mean you’re not a part of it anymore. I love you, Clay. Ruby loves you. Because you, Clay are worthy of that love. You deserve it. All of it. And Ruby and I just want you to find the place where you’ll be okay and healthy. You can get angry with me, tell me to leave. But not once have I ever turned my back on you and I won’t start now,” she told me, putting her hands on me for the first time.
Her fingers gripped my chin and pulled my face around to her. The sight of her in my confused state of mind was like striking a match. And I lost it. I just f**king lost it. I started to sob and I couldn’t stop. I don’t know exactly what I was crying for, except that everything that had been dammed up inside of me was pouring out.
I had always believed I was irredeemable. That I couldn’t expect others to love me when I didn’t even love myself. But Maggie’s words hit me at a moment when I so desperately needed to hear them. I needed to believe that she was right, that I was worthy.
Because I was so angry at myself right now. This had been my chance to make things right. Leaving Grayson had been my new lease on life and I had ruined it. I had deluded myself into thinking I was ready for all of this. Even with the therapy and the meds, I couldn’t do this.
So I cried for the man I couldn’t be. At least not right now. And I felt like in some ways I had been transported back to five months ago when I had made this same realization. Only then it had come with much harsher consequences.
This time, I didn’t cut. I didn’t think of some way to end things so I’d never have to feel this way again. Instead, I clung to my girlfriend. The person who had always been my light in the shadows and who continued to love me even at my worst. Who reminded me that everyone deserved love, even me.
“It’s okay, Clay. We’ll figure it out. Together,” she crooned with my head buried into the soft skin of her neck. Together. That was a word I could live with.
***
I don’t know how long I was at the swimming hole. But I felt like being there, with Maggie, crying like a little kid, was strangely cathartic. By the time we headed back to Ruby’s, it was getting dark. I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. But that nastiness inside me was thankfully quiet. And I couldn’t help but feel like I had turned some sort of corner. I had been given the opportunity to make a choice and I was proud of the fact that I hadn’t made the one that ended in blood.
Maggie followed me in her car. I knew I had scared the shit out of her, but she hadn’t shown it. It was only because I knew her so well that I was able to see the terror in her eyes. I knew how hard it was for her to see me like that, perilously close to that edge I had fallen off before. Not knowing whether I would take her back down the dark road again.
I wish I could say that I would never do that. But the truth was, I just couldn’t be sure and there lied the crux of the problem. The last two and a half months had been more of a holding pattern. I was existing, thinking I was making progress, but in reality I still had such a long way to go.
On the drive home, I finally made a decision about my future. I knew it wasn’t the one everyone wanted me to make, but it was mine. I had made it. Me. And I felt a measure of pride at that.
Ruby was pacing the living room when Maggie and I walked through the door. “Clay!” she called out, rushing over to me. I was enveloped in her patchouli scented arms and I felt the guilt for making her worry.
Maggie stood in the doorway until Ruby waved her into our hug. My aunt held us both, crying and blubbering. “If you don’t want me to sell the house, I won’t. Clay, I’m so sorry, I had no idea it meant so much to you,” Ruby said through her tears of relief that I was home and in one piece. No life threatening self-mutilations. No drug and alcohol induced benders. Those were Maggie and Ruby’s fears when I lost it like that. And that made the choice I had made in the car all the more clear.
I stepped out of Ruby’s hold. “No, Ruby. You can’t make a decision based on me. I’m an adult, not a little kid. I shouldn’t have taken off like that. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I kissed the top of her greying head.
