Mess Me Up
Page 33
I’d hidden it for weeks, danced around the subject…but then this morning, I’d had an epiphany.
I couldn’t keep living like this, dancing around Rome’s feelings.
Rome deserved to be treated like an adult, not a broken person who couldn’t handle the hard stuff.
Though this hard stuff might very well break him.
He’d been adamant that he didn’t want any more children. The possibility of them dying before him was something that he couldn’t handle.
I knew he had it in him, had the power to break free of the chains that Matias’ death left on him. At least, I hoped that he could.
I’d had a blissful few weeks with the man. I got my driver’s license. I drove his truck. I still couldn’t drive Vanessa’s car. We spent every waking moment together that we weren’t working. I spent time with his friends—both from his MC and his old football friends.
And…he loved me.
He didn’t say it often, but he didn’t need to say it for me to feel it. It showed in the little things he did for me or the way he looked at me.
I knew he loved me.
I also knew that, given the time to come to terms with this surprise, he’d love our baby, too.
But, it was the “coming to terms” part of that, that gave me pause.
I knew he wouldn’t react well.
He’d straight out told me that he didn’t want kids.
He’d also been talking about getting a vasectomy, he’d been that resolute about never wanting any more kids.
And…I had a feeling that that was for just as much my benefit as it was for his.
But…sometimes God didn’t let us choose our path in life. Sometimes, God picked you up, turned you around, and shoved you so far in the opposite direction that it took you forever to see which way was up again.
That was where I was at right then.
My direction had changed…and I just hoped that Rome would change his direction with me.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed through the door of Rome’s house and went in search of him.
It took me a while.
He’d started to remodel, and with that remodeling came big sheets of clear plastic that cut off one room from the next.
“Rome?” I called out, not surprised when I didn’t hear an answer.
He was here. His bike was out front.
But, he was likely upstairs.
I parted the plastic in the living room and stopped next to Blitz’s cage.
Smiling, I pulled out a leafy piece of lettuce from my purse that I’d saved from lunch and dropped it into his cage. Once satisfied that our pet was fed for the day, I started to go from room to room in search of Rome, eventually making my way upstairs.
It was much harder upstairs.
There were cables on the floor and so much sawdust that at times it was hard to breathe because the ventilation in this old house wasn’t as good as it was in some of the newer ones.
I could hear him now, though, working in the room beyond his bedroom. The guestroom that Tyler and Reagan used when they stayed the night or that some of the guys from his MC crashed in when they tied one on the night before.
I paused in the doorway, peeking through the part in the plastic sheeting to watch him as he sanded the floor of the room. Sawdust clung to his chest as sweat beaded and ran down his muscles. He had on an old pair of worn out jeans that were my favorites, and I felt my heart start to pound.
Suddenly he looked up and grinned.
“Hey!” he called, turning the sander off. “Everything okay?”
I’d told him that I planned to go see my woman doctor today, but I hadn’t told him why.
Now, I was sure that he could see the terror written on my face.
I swallowed. “I need to talk to you, Rome.”
He stood up, and I could see fear building in him by the way he held himself.
He was preparing himself for a blow.
When he’d asked why I was going to the doctor, I’d told him that I was feeling funny and something was wrong.
Now, I had a feeling that he thought I was on the verge of dying.
“I’m not dying, Rome,” I told him. “In fact, other than one thing, I’m perfectly healthy.”
His shoulders slumped, and I saw his abdomen clench and unclench as he breathed through the fear.
“Then what is it?” he asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I swiped at the traitorous tear that slipped free of my control.
Rome took a step toward me then, and I just knew he was about to wrap me up in a hug.
I couldn’t have him doing that.
When he found out, he might very well freak out on me, and despite what I’d said, I was still intimidated by his size, even though I knew he’d never hurt me on purpose.
I held up my hand, and he halted mid-step.
“Iz, you’re freaking me out,” he said, a frown on his face that was just as ferocious as the feeling currently taking root in my chest.
I licked my lips, then decided—to hell with it.
I had to tell him. There was no getting around it any longer.
This needed to happen and denying it wasn’t going to change the fact that I was pregnant with his child.
“I went to the doctor,” I said softly, looking at my hands. “I need to explain something. Will you sit down?”
He shook his head.
I sighed, unsurprised that he refused.
“When I had my baby, it was an emergency.” I paused, swallowing. I hated retelling this day. Hated it with a passion. It was hands down the worst day of my life. “My parents signed a release and told the doctor to do whatever was necessary to save me. But, in saving me, there were unavoidable complications that damaged me and left permanent scarring. I have so much internal scarring that I was told it would be physically impossible for me to ever have another child. That day is a total blur to me…and honestly, I couldn’t tell you everything that happened. I just remember that when I woke up, they told me my baby was dead, and I’d never have children again.”
“Your parents?” he asked.
I shook my head. “My parents, once they signed the required consent forms, left and never came back,” I explained. “It was Slate who was with me when the doctor told me.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
“Apparently, there was complication after complication. I hemorrhaged. Nothing went the way it was supposed to go, and they said that I was lucky to even have all of my reproductive parts after everything that happened,” I murmured. “My brother was the one to tell me that I’d never have children again…after my child had already died.”
“How did she die? Was she stillborn?” he asked hesitantly as if just saying the words would break me.
They wouldn’t.
My baby had died what felt like a lifetime ago, but still also felt like just yesterday.
The hole in my heart would always be there. I’d been very young at the time, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted her until she was no longer there for me to have.
I nodded. “I apparently have cysts on my ovaries and uterus. I never knew about them…and to this day, they still don’t bother me. But they believe those cysts might have had something to do with the reason I wasn’t able to carry to term and that my baby was stillborn…but they’re all educated guesses. Nobody really knows why an otherwise healthy and perfect baby dies in the womb.”
Rome’s eyes were intense.
And the longer I waited to tell him what I needed to tell him, the harder it got.
“If I’d known that it was possible…” I paused. “Here.”
I handed him a photo from today, and his eyes flicked to it.
The moment he saw it, his entire body went still.
Everything. His breathing. His gaze. His entire demeanor. All of it went deathly still.
“No.”
One word.
One syllable.
Half of my entire world.
“I can’t do it, Izzy,” he whispered.
I knew he was going to say that.
When his eyes met mine, I offered him only understanding.
“I know,” I told him sadly. “I know.”
I wasn’t mad.
I wasn’t upset.
I wasn’t anything.
I couldn’t keep living like this, dancing around Rome’s feelings.
Rome deserved to be treated like an adult, not a broken person who couldn’t handle the hard stuff.
Though this hard stuff might very well break him.
He’d been adamant that he didn’t want any more children. The possibility of them dying before him was something that he couldn’t handle.
I knew he had it in him, had the power to break free of the chains that Matias’ death left on him. At least, I hoped that he could.
I’d had a blissful few weeks with the man. I got my driver’s license. I drove his truck. I still couldn’t drive Vanessa’s car. We spent every waking moment together that we weren’t working. I spent time with his friends—both from his MC and his old football friends.
And…he loved me.
He didn’t say it often, but he didn’t need to say it for me to feel it. It showed in the little things he did for me or the way he looked at me.
I knew he loved me.
I also knew that, given the time to come to terms with this surprise, he’d love our baby, too.
But, it was the “coming to terms” part of that, that gave me pause.
I knew he wouldn’t react well.
He’d straight out told me that he didn’t want kids.
He’d also been talking about getting a vasectomy, he’d been that resolute about never wanting any more kids.
And…I had a feeling that that was for just as much my benefit as it was for his.
But…sometimes God didn’t let us choose our path in life. Sometimes, God picked you up, turned you around, and shoved you so far in the opposite direction that it took you forever to see which way was up again.
That was where I was at right then.
My direction had changed…and I just hoped that Rome would change his direction with me.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed through the door of Rome’s house and went in search of him.
It took me a while.
He’d started to remodel, and with that remodeling came big sheets of clear plastic that cut off one room from the next.
“Rome?” I called out, not surprised when I didn’t hear an answer.
He was here. His bike was out front.
But, he was likely upstairs.
I parted the plastic in the living room and stopped next to Blitz’s cage.
Smiling, I pulled out a leafy piece of lettuce from my purse that I’d saved from lunch and dropped it into his cage. Once satisfied that our pet was fed for the day, I started to go from room to room in search of Rome, eventually making my way upstairs.
It was much harder upstairs.
There were cables on the floor and so much sawdust that at times it was hard to breathe because the ventilation in this old house wasn’t as good as it was in some of the newer ones.
I could hear him now, though, working in the room beyond his bedroom. The guestroom that Tyler and Reagan used when they stayed the night or that some of the guys from his MC crashed in when they tied one on the night before.
I paused in the doorway, peeking through the part in the plastic sheeting to watch him as he sanded the floor of the room. Sawdust clung to his chest as sweat beaded and ran down his muscles. He had on an old pair of worn out jeans that were my favorites, and I felt my heart start to pound.
Suddenly he looked up and grinned.
“Hey!” he called, turning the sander off. “Everything okay?”
I’d told him that I planned to go see my woman doctor today, but I hadn’t told him why.
Now, I was sure that he could see the terror written on my face.
I swallowed. “I need to talk to you, Rome.”
He stood up, and I could see fear building in him by the way he held himself.
He was preparing himself for a blow.
When he’d asked why I was going to the doctor, I’d told him that I was feeling funny and something was wrong.
Now, I had a feeling that he thought I was on the verge of dying.
“I’m not dying, Rome,” I told him. “In fact, other than one thing, I’m perfectly healthy.”
His shoulders slumped, and I saw his abdomen clench and unclench as he breathed through the fear.
“Then what is it?” he asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I swiped at the traitorous tear that slipped free of my control.
Rome took a step toward me then, and I just knew he was about to wrap me up in a hug.
I couldn’t have him doing that.
When he found out, he might very well freak out on me, and despite what I’d said, I was still intimidated by his size, even though I knew he’d never hurt me on purpose.
I held up my hand, and he halted mid-step.
“Iz, you’re freaking me out,” he said, a frown on his face that was just as ferocious as the feeling currently taking root in my chest.
I licked my lips, then decided—to hell with it.
I had to tell him. There was no getting around it any longer.
This needed to happen and denying it wasn’t going to change the fact that I was pregnant with his child.
“I went to the doctor,” I said softly, looking at my hands. “I need to explain something. Will you sit down?”
He shook his head.
I sighed, unsurprised that he refused.
“When I had my baby, it was an emergency.” I paused, swallowing. I hated retelling this day. Hated it with a passion. It was hands down the worst day of my life. “My parents signed a release and told the doctor to do whatever was necessary to save me. But, in saving me, there were unavoidable complications that damaged me and left permanent scarring. I have so much internal scarring that I was told it would be physically impossible for me to ever have another child. That day is a total blur to me…and honestly, I couldn’t tell you everything that happened. I just remember that when I woke up, they told me my baby was dead, and I’d never have children again.”
“Your parents?” he asked.
I shook my head. “My parents, once they signed the required consent forms, left and never came back,” I explained. “It was Slate who was with me when the doctor told me.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
“Apparently, there was complication after complication. I hemorrhaged. Nothing went the way it was supposed to go, and they said that I was lucky to even have all of my reproductive parts after everything that happened,” I murmured. “My brother was the one to tell me that I’d never have children again…after my child had already died.”
“How did she die? Was she stillborn?” he asked hesitantly as if just saying the words would break me.
They wouldn’t.
My baby had died what felt like a lifetime ago, but still also felt like just yesterday.
The hole in my heart would always be there. I’d been very young at the time, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted her until she was no longer there for me to have.
I nodded. “I apparently have cysts on my ovaries and uterus. I never knew about them…and to this day, they still don’t bother me. But they believe those cysts might have had something to do with the reason I wasn’t able to carry to term and that my baby was stillborn…but they’re all educated guesses. Nobody really knows why an otherwise healthy and perfect baby dies in the womb.”
Rome’s eyes were intense.
And the longer I waited to tell him what I needed to tell him, the harder it got.
“If I’d known that it was possible…” I paused. “Here.”
I handed him a photo from today, and his eyes flicked to it.
The moment he saw it, his entire body went still.
Everything. His breathing. His gaze. His entire demeanor. All of it went deathly still.
“No.”
One word.
One syllable.
Half of my entire world.
“I can’t do it, Izzy,” he whispered.
I knew he was going to say that.
When his eyes met mine, I offered him only understanding.
“I know,” I told him sadly. “I know.”
I wasn’t mad.
I wasn’t upset.
I wasn’t anything.
