More Than Forever
Page 50
She lifts her gaze, but her eyes are unfocused, not looking at me, but past me. "I've been trying to call you."
My eyes narrow in confusion. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see over twenty missed calls. "Fuck, I switched it to silent when I was in the library. Are you okay?"
Her eyes dart to Roxy in the car, before coming back to me. "Yeah, go to work." She fakes a smile. "I'll talk to you later about it."
She starts to turn but I hold her hand tighter. "Lucy."
"It's fine," she clips. "Call me when you're done." She stands on her toes and kisses me quickly, but I swear it—there's a second of hesitation where she almost stops herself. She jerks back, like maybe she's doing something wrong.
She roughly yanks her hand from mine.
And all I can do is watch her walk away.
The honking of my horn gets my attention. Roxy taps at an imaginary watch on her wrist.
***
I can't focus. I can barely stay awake. I look at the clock. Half an hour left. I need to go home. I need to call Lucy, find out where she is, see her, and talk about what happened that made her cry.
I just need Lucy.
Which is why when my boss comes to my cubicle and tells me that Roxy and I need to stay back to digitalize some files from the Wilmington branch, I go to the men's bathroom and punch a hole in a door. It's the worst fucking timing, but I don't argue. I can't. So instead, I lean against the counter and dial Lucy's number.
"Hey," she answers, the same sadness in her voice from earlier.
"Luce," I breathe out, and I can already imagine her face turning from sadness to disappointment. "I have to work late tonight."
Silence.
"I'd get out of it but—"
"It's fine," she cuts in. "What can you do?" She sighs loudly before adding, "Call me when you're done, okay?"
"Yeah, babe, I will."
More silence.
"I love you, Luce," I say, but she's already hung up.
***
"I can't believe we have to do this shit," Roxy states. Everyone's left the office but us. We're stuck scanning a bunch of documents and filing them into the server. The job’s boring, monotonous, and it doesn't help my mind from wondering about what the hell is wrong with Lucy.
"We're gonna be here a while," she continues. "You wanna order some Chinese or something? I'm starving."
"Sure. Whatever."
Fifteen minutes later we're sitting on the floor with a spread of containers in front of us. My mood has brightened a little; maybe I just needed some food.
I suck on a noodle, letting it splash all over my face just like Lachlan does when he eats spaghetti.
"You're a mess," she says. She lifts a napkin and goes to wipe my face.
I pull back. "I got it," I tell her.
Once I'm clean, I loosen my tie and pull it over my head, then take off my shirt. I only have two shirts suitable for work, and the one I'm wearing can last another shift before I need to wash it.
Ten minutes later we're almost out of food. "I'm so full." She untucks her blouse from her skirt and lies on the floor. "I feel like I need a nap."
"I feel like I want to eat more but won't be able to fit it."
She laughs. "Do the dad thing."
"What dad thing?"
"You know, undo your belt and pants, let your gut hang out."
"Dude, that's an amazing idea."
She laughs as I make a show of undoing my belt, but I stop at my pants. I polish off whatever's left and copy her position on the floor with the empty containers in between us.
Once I'm settled, she faces me. "So I gotta ask you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
"Okay?"
She leans up on her elbow and turns her body to face me. Her cleavage even more exposed now. "The other day you said something about how you do everything for Lucy; what did you mean?"
"I don't know. It's just the way we work, I guess. We do everything for each other."
"How long have you guys been dating?"
"Since we were fifteen."
"Holy shit," she says incredulously. "That's a long-ass time."
"I guess." The food, the exhaustion, my life—it's starting to take its toll. If I closed my eyes, I'd be asleep. I wonder if I could nap. Just ten minutes.
"So you guys chose colleges and everything together and you got in the same one. That's pretty cool."
I nod, my eyelids heavy. "Yeah. Kind of. Not really."
"No?"
"No. I mean I'd go wherever she was. I didn't know that I wanted to be an architect or that—I mean, that I had it in me or whatever." I let out an exhausted sigh. "I didn't really plan on college. My mom and I—we're not poor, but we're not really financially able to afford college, you know?"
"Yeah," she laughs. "You've seen where I live, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Cam?"
I open my eyes and face her, trying to avoid her chest.
"If you hadn't met Lucy, what do you think you'd be doing?"
I don't even hesitate to answer. "Probably selling cars at my mom's boyfriend's dealership."
She nods, like she understands. "So what do you think would make you happier? This or selling cars?"
I swallow nervously, because I know my answer is wrong. I know it feels wrong. And I know I shouldn't be voicing it, but I do anyway. "Selling cars."
"Huh," she says, lying back down.
I move my gaze from her and back up to the ceiling, but I catch something from the corner of my eye. Not something, someone. I sit up, faster than my stomach likes. "Lucy."
"I didn't know," she says, shaking her head.
"What?" I'm on my feet now, walking the few steps to get to her.
Her eyes move down my body and focus on my waist.
I look down at my unfastened belt. "It's not what—"
"It's okay, Cameron." She looks behind me at the pile of my discarded clothes.
My heart's beating out of my chest. "Babe..." I know what this looks like to her—but she's so wrong.
"I didn't know," she says again.
My mind’s reeling. My insides are twisted. There's a lump in my throat as big as the ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
Say something.
She blows out a heavy breath, her eyes so full of tears that if she blinked, they'd fall.
And then she does.
She blinks.
They fall.
I break.
"Lucy."
She fakes a smile. "I came to..." She lifts the paper bag in her hand.
"You brought me dinner?" I finally manage to say.
She nods. Her tears fall faster. "But you've already..."
Her eyes finally move from behind me and rise, up, up, up to mine. And my world stops. For a completely different reason. A reason I've never had to feel before. It's like I'm falling. Or fading.
"I didn't know that you didn't want this. I didn't know because I never asked. I'm sorry, Cameron," she sobs. She sets the bag on a desk next to her and wipes her eyes. Then she squares her shoulders and lifts her chin, sniffing back her tears as she does. "Call me when you finish, okay?"
My eyes narrow in confusion. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see over twenty missed calls. "Fuck, I switched it to silent when I was in the library. Are you okay?"
Her eyes dart to Roxy in the car, before coming back to me. "Yeah, go to work." She fakes a smile. "I'll talk to you later about it."
She starts to turn but I hold her hand tighter. "Lucy."
"It's fine," she clips. "Call me when you're done." She stands on her toes and kisses me quickly, but I swear it—there's a second of hesitation where she almost stops herself. She jerks back, like maybe she's doing something wrong.
She roughly yanks her hand from mine.
And all I can do is watch her walk away.
The honking of my horn gets my attention. Roxy taps at an imaginary watch on her wrist.
***
I can't focus. I can barely stay awake. I look at the clock. Half an hour left. I need to go home. I need to call Lucy, find out where she is, see her, and talk about what happened that made her cry.
I just need Lucy.
Which is why when my boss comes to my cubicle and tells me that Roxy and I need to stay back to digitalize some files from the Wilmington branch, I go to the men's bathroom and punch a hole in a door. It's the worst fucking timing, but I don't argue. I can't. So instead, I lean against the counter and dial Lucy's number.
"Hey," she answers, the same sadness in her voice from earlier.
"Luce," I breathe out, and I can already imagine her face turning from sadness to disappointment. "I have to work late tonight."
Silence.
"I'd get out of it but—"
"It's fine," she cuts in. "What can you do?" She sighs loudly before adding, "Call me when you're done, okay?"
"Yeah, babe, I will."
More silence.
"I love you, Luce," I say, but she's already hung up.
***
"I can't believe we have to do this shit," Roxy states. Everyone's left the office but us. We're stuck scanning a bunch of documents and filing them into the server. The job’s boring, monotonous, and it doesn't help my mind from wondering about what the hell is wrong with Lucy.
"We're gonna be here a while," she continues. "You wanna order some Chinese or something? I'm starving."
"Sure. Whatever."
Fifteen minutes later we're sitting on the floor with a spread of containers in front of us. My mood has brightened a little; maybe I just needed some food.
I suck on a noodle, letting it splash all over my face just like Lachlan does when he eats spaghetti.
"You're a mess," she says. She lifts a napkin and goes to wipe my face.
I pull back. "I got it," I tell her.
Once I'm clean, I loosen my tie and pull it over my head, then take off my shirt. I only have two shirts suitable for work, and the one I'm wearing can last another shift before I need to wash it.
Ten minutes later we're almost out of food. "I'm so full." She untucks her blouse from her skirt and lies on the floor. "I feel like I need a nap."
"I feel like I want to eat more but won't be able to fit it."
She laughs. "Do the dad thing."
"What dad thing?"
"You know, undo your belt and pants, let your gut hang out."
"Dude, that's an amazing idea."
She laughs as I make a show of undoing my belt, but I stop at my pants. I polish off whatever's left and copy her position on the floor with the empty containers in between us.
Once I'm settled, she faces me. "So I gotta ask you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
"Okay?"
She leans up on her elbow and turns her body to face me. Her cleavage even more exposed now. "The other day you said something about how you do everything for Lucy; what did you mean?"
"I don't know. It's just the way we work, I guess. We do everything for each other."
"How long have you guys been dating?"
"Since we were fifteen."
"Holy shit," she says incredulously. "That's a long-ass time."
"I guess." The food, the exhaustion, my life—it's starting to take its toll. If I closed my eyes, I'd be asleep. I wonder if I could nap. Just ten minutes.
"So you guys chose colleges and everything together and you got in the same one. That's pretty cool."
I nod, my eyelids heavy. "Yeah. Kind of. Not really."
"No?"
"No. I mean I'd go wherever she was. I didn't know that I wanted to be an architect or that—I mean, that I had it in me or whatever." I let out an exhausted sigh. "I didn't really plan on college. My mom and I—we're not poor, but we're not really financially able to afford college, you know?"
"Yeah," she laughs. "You've seen where I live, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Cam?"
I open my eyes and face her, trying to avoid her chest.
"If you hadn't met Lucy, what do you think you'd be doing?"
I don't even hesitate to answer. "Probably selling cars at my mom's boyfriend's dealership."
She nods, like she understands. "So what do you think would make you happier? This or selling cars?"
I swallow nervously, because I know my answer is wrong. I know it feels wrong. And I know I shouldn't be voicing it, but I do anyway. "Selling cars."
"Huh," she says, lying back down.
I move my gaze from her and back up to the ceiling, but I catch something from the corner of my eye. Not something, someone. I sit up, faster than my stomach likes. "Lucy."
"I didn't know," she says, shaking her head.
"What?" I'm on my feet now, walking the few steps to get to her.
Her eyes move down my body and focus on my waist.
I look down at my unfastened belt. "It's not what—"
"It's okay, Cameron." She looks behind me at the pile of my discarded clothes.
My heart's beating out of my chest. "Babe..." I know what this looks like to her—but she's so wrong.
"I didn't know," she says again.
My mind’s reeling. My insides are twisted. There's a lump in my throat as big as the ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
Say something.
She blows out a heavy breath, her eyes so full of tears that if she blinked, they'd fall.
And then she does.
She blinks.
They fall.
I break.
"Lucy."
She fakes a smile. "I came to..." She lifts the paper bag in her hand.
"You brought me dinner?" I finally manage to say.
She nods. Her tears fall faster. "But you've already..."
Her eyes finally move from behind me and rise, up, up, up to mine. And my world stops. For a completely different reason. A reason I've never had to feel before. It's like I'm falling. Or fading.
"I didn't know that you didn't want this. I didn't know because I never asked. I'm sorry, Cameron," she sobs. She sets the bag on a desk next to her and wipes her eyes. Then she squares her shoulders and lifts her chin, sniffing back her tears as she does. "Call me when you finish, okay?"
