My Clarity
Page 2
I nodded, whimpering.
“I love you, Sunshine. I always will. I’ll always live in your heart. Look for me there when you need me. You keep me there until you can replace me with a guy who will love you as much as I do. Who will love you for all your goodness and your faults. Who will make you feel like you’re the center of his world. Who will give you the best of him and all of him. Promise me.”
Nodding to confirm since speaking was out of the question at this point, I wrapped my arms around my dad’s chest and felt it rise and fall. I was a little girl all over again as he stroked my hair with his hand. As we held each other tight, all went silent. I didn’t know how long we stayed that way; I just knew I wanted it to last. The last thing I remembered before I let out a gut-wrenching cry was his barely audible voice. “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” I felt his hand slide off my back and there was no movement on his chest.
“No, Daddy. Don’t leave me,” I whimpered repeatedly, holding onto him. I cried so loud, my mom and the nurses rushed in. It took the three of them to peel me off my dad. Holding onto my mom, my body shook with shock and regret, thinking I should have spent more time with him, and shouldn’t have been so mad at him. Now it was too late. He was gone.
I didn’t know watching someone you love die would be like this. How do you prepare for it? How do you prepare for the hole left inside by their silenced body? No longer would I hear his laughter. Gone were the lectures I often hated to hear. Now, I would give anything to hear him say I was messing up. Something. Anything. No, there is no preparing. The pain and the sorrow hits you so hard even when you know it’s happening.
Finally calming down, I raised my hand to my heart. The hole in my chest felt empty. The pain of loss had replaced it. I had made a promise. “You’ll be right here, Dad.” My lips quivered, unable to stop my tears again. “You’ll always be here.”
Chapter 1
Three months later
Alexandria
“Don’t cry,” Emma said, wiping her tears. “Look, you’re making me cry.”
Leaning on the side of her car, I nodded to answer, but snorted at the same time when she gave me a dorky face. Emma was such a great friend. She was my cheerleader when I first found out about my dad’s cancer and she was there for me after he passed away. Emma checked up on me by calling and coming over after school to make sure I was okay. She was the sister I wish I had. I wish she could come with me.
“This isn’t good-bye forever. It’s see you later, okay?” she continued, shifting her eyes to see the people waiting for the same bus, and then she turned back to me. “Your dad is so proud of you right now; his little girl is going off to college. I bet he’s smiling down at you.”
I nodded to agree. I almost lost it when she brought up my dad. Every time he was mentioned in conversations, my heart felt like it was on fire, scorched by the memory of him. It was as though I was burying him all over again. His name, the word Dad, our home together, his friends, his favorite food, our love for singing, everything we shared was a constant stab to my heart.
I wanted to forget, hoping it would make the pain bearable, but the burning sensation pulled me back to reality, reminding me. The thought of never seeing him again was pure devastation. Most people I knew could only empathize because they had never felt this degree of loss. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their efforts, they just didn’t understand.
Emma started to caress my arm to comfort me, but the tears kept coming. “I’m sorry,” I sniffed. “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.” I fanned my hand as if it would make them stop, but it also gave me some relief from this humid, sweltering weather. Finally, after several deep breaths and short gasps, I buried the tears deep into the recesses of my heart.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She paused. Her eyes danced, as if to gather her thoughts, searching for the perfect words. “You’re going to have a great experience. It will do some good for you to leave this town. Leave the memories behind you and make new ones. Hell…if I could go with you, I would. I would feel better if I did, especially since it’s only been three months since your dad passed away. It’s okay to cry when you miss him. It’s also okay to call me when you want to talk about him, ya hear? You don’t have to be strong by yourself. You know you have me to lean on, even if it’s just over the phone.”
I nodded because words failed me. I was afraid I would bawl like crazy in front of her.
Emma continued, looking at me with hope in her eyes. “Maybe you’ll meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. And do try to hang out and not be such a nerd. You only get this experience once. You’re supposed to find yourself.”
After Emma graduated from high school, she continued to work for a clothing store. She said the pay was good and she was going to be a manager in a few months, so she decided that was the road she was going to take. As for me, I wanted to go to college, preferably out of this town.
I had already said good-bye to my mom and my stepdad before Emma picked me up to take me to the bus station. Mom offered to take me, but I told her Emma would take me instead. Ever since Mom remarried five years ago, our relationship hadn’t been the same. I’m glad I only had to live in the same house with them for three months. I couldn’t help it. I was so mad at her for leaving Dad, and for not doing everything she could to try and keep the family together.
Living away from home plus paying college tuition was going to be expensive. Since I didn’t want any of my stepdad’s money, I insisted that I use the college fund Dad had saved up for me. The rest had to come from the part-time jobs that I would have to get once I was there. It wasn’t so much that I disliked my stepdad. It was just strange to think of him as a dad since he hardly knew me at all.
“I love you, Sunshine. I always will. I’ll always live in your heart. Look for me there when you need me. You keep me there until you can replace me with a guy who will love you as much as I do. Who will love you for all your goodness and your faults. Who will make you feel like you’re the center of his world. Who will give you the best of him and all of him. Promise me.”
Nodding to confirm since speaking was out of the question at this point, I wrapped my arms around my dad’s chest and felt it rise and fall. I was a little girl all over again as he stroked my hair with his hand. As we held each other tight, all went silent. I didn’t know how long we stayed that way; I just knew I wanted it to last. The last thing I remembered before I let out a gut-wrenching cry was his barely audible voice. “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” I felt his hand slide off my back and there was no movement on his chest.
“No, Daddy. Don’t leave me,” I whimpered repeatedly, holding onto him. I cried so loud, my mom and the nurses rushed in. It took the three of them to peel me off my dad. Holding onto my mom, my body shook with shock and regret, thinking I should have spent more time with him, and shouldn’t have been so mad at him. Now it was too late. He was gone.
I didn’t know watching someone you love die would be like this. How do you prepare for it? How do you prepare for the hole left inside by their silenced body? No longer would I hear his laughter. Gone were the lectures I often hated to hear. Now, I would give anything to hear him say I was messing up. Something. Anything. No, there is no preparing. The pain and the sorrow hits you so hard even when you know it’s happening.
Finally calming down, I raised my hand to my heart. The hole in my chest felt empty. The pain of loss had replaced it. I had made a promise. “You’ll be right here, Dad.” My lips quivered, unable to stop my tears again. “You’ll always be here.”
Chapter 1
Three months later
Alexandria
“Don’t cry,” Emma said, wiping her tears. “Look, you’re making me cry.”
Leaning on the side of her car, I nodded to answer, but snorted at the same time when she gave me a dorky face. Emma was such a great friend. She was my cheerleader when I first found out about my dad’s cancer and she was there for me after he passed away. Emma checked up on me by calling and coming over after school to make sure I was okay. She was the sister I wish I had. I wish she could come with me.
“This isn’t good-bye forever. It’s see you later, okay?” she continued, shifting her eyes to see the people waiting for the same bus, and then she turned back to me. “Your dad is so proud of you right now; his little girl is going off to college. I bet he’s smiling down at you.”
I nodded to agree. I almost lost it when she brought up my dad. Every time he was mentioned in conversations, my heart felt like it was on fire, scorched by the memory of him. It was as though I was burying him all over again. His name, the word Dad, our home together, his friends, his favorite food, our love for singing, everything we shared was a constant stab to my heart.
I wanted to forget, hoping it would make the pain bearable, but the burning sensation pulled me back to reality, reminding me. The thought of never seeing him again was pure devastation. Most people I knew could only empathize because they had never felt this degree of loss. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their efforts, they just didn’t understand.
Emma started to caress my arm to comfort me, but the tears kept coming. “I’m sorry,” I sniffed. “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.” I fanned my hand as if it would make them stop, but it also gave me some relief from this humid, sweltering weather. Finally, after several deep breaths and short gasps, I buried the tears deep into the recesses of my heart.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She paused. Her eyes danced, as if to gather her thoughts, searching for the perfect words. “You’re going to have a great experience. It will do some good for you to leave this town. Leave the memories behind you and make new ones. Hell…if I could go with you, I would. I would feel better if I did, especially since it’s only been three months since your dad passed away. It’s okay to cry when you miss him. It’s also okay to call me when you want to talk about him, ya hear? You don’t have to be strong by yourself. You know you have me to lean on, even if it’s just over the phone.”
I nodded because words failed me. I was afraid I would bawl like crazy in front of her.
Emma continued, looking at me with hope in her eyes. “Maybe you’ll meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. And do try to hang out and not be such a nerd. You only get this experience once. You’re supposed to find yourself.”
After Emma graduated from high school, she continued to work for a clothing store. She said the pay was good and she was going to be a manager in a few months, so she decided that was the road she was going to take. As for me, I wanted to go to college, preferably out of this town.
I had already said good-bye to my mom and my stepdad before Emma picked me up to take me to the bus station. Mom offered to take me, but I told her Emma would take me instead. Ever since Mom remarried five years ago, our relationship hadn’t been the same. I’m glad I only had to live in the same house with them for three months. I couldn’t help it. I was so mad at her for leaving Dad, and for not doing everything she could to try and keep the family together.
Living away from home plus paying college tuition was going to be expensive. Since I didn’t want any of my stepdad’s money, I insisted that I use the college fund Dad had saved up for me. The rest had to come from the part-time jobs that I would have to get once I was there. It wasn’t so much that I disliked my stepdad. It was just strange to think of him as a dad since he hardly knew me at all.
