My Clarity
Page 41
“Mom’s right outside. I told her I wanted to be alone with you.” I took off my long-sleeved plaid shirt, lifted the sleeve, and showed it to him.
He gave me the happiest smile I’d ever seen. I wished I could’ve framed that look. I did in my mind so that I would never forget. Then his lips dropped, quivering, blinking his eyes to hold back the tears. “You did that for me? You got that cool looking dragon tattoo for me?”
“I sure did, buddy. I know how much you love dragons.”
He looked away to wipe the tears, and then turned back to me. “So you could always remember me. Is that why you did it?”
My cool composure flew out the door. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, knowing death was just around the corner. Unable to say a word, in fear I may lose it, I nodded instead.
“Can you give me a hug, Elijah? I can’t jump on you anymore.”
“Of course.” I reached down and wrapped my arms around him. He was a lot weaker than yesterday and his words were slow in coming.
“When people go to Heaven do they remember the family they left behind?”
I released him. “I’m not sure.”
“When it’s your turn to go to Heaven, do you think we’ll know each other?”
He was asking me a lot of questions that I didn’t have answers to. My heart was breaking and the only thing I could do was to try to lighten the mood with some humor. Pointing to the tattoo on my arm I said, “How could you ever miss this? You’ll remember me.”
Evan snorted lightly. “Yeah, you’re right.” He paused. “Will you promise me something?”
“Of course.”
“Will you stop smoking?”
“How did you know?” I was surprised. I had never smoked in front of him before.
“I peeked out the window one night and saw you with that girl you were dating. Both of you were smoking.”
“You saw me with Clara? I didn’t mean for you to see that. I don’t smoke much so don’t worry.”
“I want you to stop. If you don’t, when I get to Heaven, I’m gonna ask God to send you the hottest girl so she’ll make you stop. You know, the kind of girl you can’t live without. You’ll do it for her.” He started to laugh again, but it was very faint and short-lived.
“If you’re planning on sending me the hottest girl, I’m going to wait. Anyway, I want the girl to love me for who I am and not what she wants me to be. And why am I talking about relationships with you?” I lightly rubbed his arm.
He managed to give me a smile and asked, “Do you think Dad knows I’m sick?”
“Evan. I don’t want you to think about Dad right now.” My tone was not pleasant. The word “dad” always made me react with anger. He left us three years ago when he became addicted to gambling, and we hadn’t heard a word from him since. I had to calm down for Evan’s sake. “If Dad knew you were sick. I’m sure he would’ve been here.” It was a lie, but I knew he needed to hear that.
“Okay,” he said. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his pain. Then he focused on me again. “How are you going to explain to Mom about your tattoo?”
“Don’t worry so much, buddy. Just think happy thoughts.”
Evan suddenly gazed to his right. “Do you see the light? Do you see her?” He tried to point to the window, but his arm dropped before he could.
I turned to his line of vision. What the heck was he talking about? “See what?”
Evan gingerly placed his hand on my tattoo without a reply. “I’ll never forget you did this for me. Elijah…you’re the best brother anyone could have.” His voice was very faint, but it was very clear, piercing loudly through my heart.
Evan looked to his right again with a smile. I turned in that direction again, but I saw nothing. When his arm slid off my tattoo, I shot my eyes to his. His eyes were closed, and there was no more movement from his chest. That’s when I knew.
It felt like someone punched my gut. The pain I felt was nothing I’d ever felt before. Sounds I didn’t recognize escaped my mouth. As I held my little brother’s hand for the last time, I let out a loud cry. My chest hurt, my hands trembled, and I shook so much it felt like any minute a bomb would explode inside of me. That’s when my mother and the nurses rushed in.
Seeing my mom drop to the floor screaming, slapped me back into reality. For a second there, I had thought this was all a dream, but it wasn’t. Suddenly, my focus returned and the pain ebbed just long enough for me to reach my mom.
I dropped to the floor beside her and hugged her. That was all I could do to comfort her. I couldn’t take the pain away. Her cry was loud enough for the both of us. One of mom’s hands pressed on the tattoo so tightly, pain ripped through me, but I didn’t care. It was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart. Death had punctured a hole that couldn’t be mended. How do you get past this?
Chapter 22
Alexandria
Lexy took me to the biggest Halloween shop I’d ever seen. There were rows and rows of costumes and it frazzled me. It didn’t help that there were scary, disgusting looking figures everywhere I turned. Even seeing Jason’s mask on display gave me the shivers, sending goose bumps down my back. I was happy when we headed to the women’s section.
“Do you know what you want to be?” Lexy asked, struggling with a long blonde wig on her head. “I think I want to be something totally different. How about this one?”
He gave me the happiest smile I’d ever seen. I wished I could’ve framed that look. I did in my mind so that I would never forget. Then his lips dropped, quivering, blinking his eyes to hold back the tears. “You did that for me? You got that cool looking dragon tattoo for me?”
“I sure did, buddy. I know how much you love dragons.”
He looked away to wipe the tears, and then turned back to me. “So you could always remember me. Is that why you did it?”
My cool composure flew out the door. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, knowing death was just around the corner. Unable to say a word, in fear I may lose it, I nodded instead.
“Can you give me a hug, Elijah? I can’t jump on you anymore.”
“Of course.” I reached down and wrapped my arms around him. He was a lot weaker than yesterday and his words were slow in coming.
“When people go to Heaven do they remember the family they left behind?”
I released him. “I’m not sure.”
“When it’s your turn to go to Heaven, do you think we’ll know each other?”
He was asking me a lot of questions that I didn’t have answers to. My heart was breaking and the only thing I could do was to try to lighten the mood with some humor. Pointing to the tattoo on my arm I said, “How could you ever miss this? You’ll remember me.”
Evan snorted lightly. “Yeah, you’re right.” He paused. “Will you promise me something?”
“Of course.”
“Will you stop smoking?”
“How did you know?” I was surprised. I had never smoked in front of him before.
“I peeked out the window one night and saw you with that girl you were dating. Both of you were smoking.”
“You saw me with Clara? I didn’t mean for you to see that. I don’t smoke much so don’t worry.”
“I want you to stop. If you don’t, when I get to Heaven, I’m gonna ask God to send you the hottest girl so she’ll make you stop. You know, the kind of girl you can’t live without. You’ll do it for her.” He started to laugh again, but it was very faint and short-lived.
“If you’re planning on sending me the hottest girl, I’m going to wait. Anyway, I want the girl to love me for who I am and not what she wants me to be. And why am I talking about relationships with you?” I lightly rubbed his arm.
He managed to give me a smile and asked, “Do you think Dad knows I’m sick?”
“Evan. I don’t want you to think about Dad right now.” My tone was not pleasant. The word “dad” always made me react with anger. He left us three years ago when he became addicted to gambling, and we hadn’t heard a word from him since. I had to calm down for Evan’s sake. “If Dad knew you were sick. I’m sure he would’ve been here.” It was a lie, but I knew he needed to hear that.
“Okay,” he said. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his pain. Then he focused on me again. “How are you going to explain to Mom about your tattoo?”
“Don’t worry so much, buddy. Just think happy thoughts.”
Evan suddenly gazed to his right. “Do you see the light? Do you see her?” He tried to point to the window, but his arm dropped before he could.
I turned to his line of vision. What the heck was he talking about? “See what?”
Evan gingerly placed his hand on my tattoo without a reply. “I’ll never forget you did this for me. Elijah…you’re the best brother anyone could have.” His voice was very faint, but it was very clear, piercing loudly through my heart.
Evan looked to his right again with a smile. I turned in that direction again, but I saw nothing. When his arm slid off my tattoo, I shot my eyes to his. His eyes were closed, and there was no more movement from his chest. That’s when I knew.
It felt like someone punched my gut. The pain I felt was nothing I’d ever felt before. Sounds I didn’t recognize escaped my mouth. As I held my little brother’s hand for the last time, I let out a loud cry. My chest hurt, my hands trembled, and I shook so much it felt like any minute a bomb would explode inside of me. That’s when my mother and the nurses rushed in.
Seeing my mom drop to the floor screaming, slapped me back into reality. For a second there, I had thought this was all a dream, but it wasn’t. Suddenly, my focus returned and the pain ebbed just long enough for me to reach my mom.
I dropped to the floor beside her and hugged her. That was all I could do to comfort her. I couldn’t take the pain away. Her cry was loud enough for the both of us. One of mom’s hands pressed on the tattoo so tightly, pain ripped through me, but I didn’t care. It was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart. Death had punctured a hole that couldn’t be mended. How do you get past this?
Chapter 22
Alexandria
Lexy took me to the biggest Halloween shop I’d ever seen. There were rows and rows of costumes and it frazzled me. It didn’t help that there were scary, disgusting looking figures everywhere I turned. Even seeing Jason’s mask on display gave me the shivers, sending goose bumps down my back. I was happy when we headed to the women’s section.
“Do you know what you want to be?” Lexy asked, struggling with a long blonde wig on her head. “I think I want to be something totally different. How about this one?”
