Never Enough
Page 96
And then Gillian’s voice. Laughing. Encouraging Miles. Teasing in her way all the while giving compliments.
He put his head between his hands and hit play again.
By the time he’d listened to Gillian for the fifth play, he was standing because he’d made a choice.
They’d worked out everything else. They’d work this out. She was his woman and they’d work it through.
Of course, he’d missed the last ferry, which meant he had to drive around. Which was fine; it gave him time to fight with himself and accept that he’d reacted badly and done some major damage. Especially the part where he called her and told her he never wanted to see her again.
He turned on the mini-recorder he carried with him everywhere and began to work on a new song as he drove the long way around.
It was late when he finally arrived. Long after two and heading into three. But he knew she was awake because he heard her piano as he walked up the steps. Sad. Soulful. His heart broke just standing there listening to it.
His key worked but the door wouldn’t open. She had the dead bolt engaged. Damn.
He knocked and continued to do so. Miles wasn’t home, he knew that much, and he wasn’t going to wake anyone up because the houses next door were too far away to hear his knocking.
She continued playing, though louder. So he rang the doorbell and then started knocking again. He’d called and she didn’t answer. He texted and she didn’t answer.
“Gillian, open up,” he said, his mouth close to the door.
He heard an abrupt jangle of piano keys and then the sound of what had to be stomping to the door she then yanked open, standing squarely in his path.
“Why are you here?”
Her face was red and swollen. She wore sweats and a ratty shirt and looked as miserable as he felt.
“We need to talk.”
“Go home, Adrian. I’ve sent your sister an e-mail apologizing to her for what she had to face tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my father. I never wanted to hurt you and I have. That’s really it. We’ve said all we need to say.” She tried to close the door but he blocked it with his shoe.
“We said too much and yet not enough. The both of us. We need to work through this.”
She straightened her posture and took on that starchy thing, but it wasn’t erotic. She was deliberately putting him on blast. “Miles isn’t home. I’ll let him know you stopped by. If you wish to return tomorrow morning, I’ll be gone so that can happen.”
“Gillian . . . please.”
He stood there on her doorstep looking so beautiful it was all she could do not to leap into his arms. She loved him more than she could express. And she wanted him to go before she did and they both embarrassed themselves.
“It’s better this way, Adrian. Before we did something stupid like moving in together and something else comes up you can’t handle.” She closed her eyes. “That was uncalled for. But my past has ugly things in it. Ugly things I can’t put down on a list for you so you can feel as if you know everything about me. This can’t work. You need to go.”
Her breath hitched and the sob was clear enough that even she couldn’t deny it. He stepped toward her but she warded him off with a hand.
“No. It’s for the best that this happened early on. You have trust issues and I’m not sure anyone outside the circle you already have will be good enough for you. I have trust issues and God knows I react poorly to being humiliated in public. They clash and I thought it could work, but clearly it can’t. I won’t stand in the way of you seeing your son, of course. I’d never do that. He loves you.” Like she did. Tears were streaming down her face and she couldn’t stop them so she simply ignored them.
“Don’t do this.”
“I hope you’ll consider Miles’s feelings in all this. He doesn’t know about my father. Not the specifics. Just that he was a career criminal and not part of my life. Don’t blame him for my faults or the faults of a man he never met.”
She let herself touch him then. If only to push him back enough to shut the door and lock it again.
He put a hand over the place she’d just touched him. “Baby, please. English, I was wrong to be so harsh. I was shocked and I reacted wrong. I love you. I know you love me. I know you didn’t tell me because you were ashamed.”
He heard her crying, ached to help. Ached to make her feel better.
“This isn’t over, Gillian. Just know that I’m coming for you. We will work this out because no one is perfect for me except you.”
Her crying got worse and he put his forehead against the door, helpless against his own tears.
“Go. God, please. It’s too much to have you there. I can’t. Please.”
She turned off the porch light and he stood in the darkness as she turned off all the lights inside as well.
When she’d spoken to him she was not his Gillian. Her eyes didn’t hold the light she had just for him. Her voice had lost the lilt she used to speak to him. Not even her prim British. She sounded empty and numb.
Being that he felt empty and numb, he supposed they made a great pair.
It was too damned cold to wait on the porch until morning. Worse, Miles would be coming home and he knew it was important to keep their son away from this mess.
He drove to a local hotel and though he lay in bed, sleep would not come. She hadn’t seen her father at least since she left England. He’d not been any part of her life if Miles had no idea about the man. She had never returned to England since the day she left either.
He put his head between his hands and hit play again.
By the time he’d listened to Gillian for the fifth play, he was standing because he’d made a choice.
They’d worked out everything else. They’d work this out. She was his woman and they’d work it through.
Of course, he’d missed the last ferry, which meant he had to drive around. Which was fine; it gave him time to fight with himself and accept that he’d reacted badly and done some major damage. Especially the part where he called her and told her he never wanted to see her again.
He turned on the mini-recorder he carried with him everywhere and began to work on a new song as he drove the long way around.
It was late when he finally arrived. Long after two and heading into three. But he knew she was awake because he heard her piano as he walked up the steps. Sad. Soulful. His heart broke just standing there listening to it.
His key worked but the door wouldn’t open. She had the dead bolt engaged. Damn.
He knocked and continued to do so. Miles wasn’t home, he knew that much, and he wasn’t going to wake anyone up because the houses next door were too far away to hear his knocking.
She continued playing, though louder. So he rang the doorbell and then started knocking again. He’d called and she didn’t answer. He texted and she didn’t answer.
“Gillian, open up,” he said, his mouth close to the door.
He heard an abrupt jangle of piano keys and then the sound of what had to be stomping to the door she then yanked open, standing squarely in his path.
“Why are you here?”
Her face was red and swollen. She wore sweats and a ratty shirt and looked as miserable as he felt.
“We need to talk.”
“Go home, Adrian. I’ve sent your sister an e-mail apologizing to her for what she had to face tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my father. I never wanted to hurt you and I have. That’s really it. We’ve said all we need to say.” She tried to close the door but he blocked it with his shoe.
“We said too much and yet not enough. The both of us. We need to work through this.”
She straightened her posture and took on that starchy thing, but it wasn’t erotic. She was deliberately putting him on blast. “Miles isn’t home. I’ll let him know you stopped by. If you wish to return tomorrow morning, I’ll be gone so that can happen.”
“Gillian . . . please.”
He stood there on her doorstep looking so beautiful it was all she could do not to leap into his arms. She loved him more than she could express. And she wanted him to go before she did and they both embarrassed themselves.
“It’s better this way, Adrian. Before we did something stupid like moving in together and something else comes up you can’t handle.” She closed her eyes. “That was uncalled for. But my past has ugly things in it. Ugly things I can’t put down on a list for you so you can feel as if you know everything about me. This can’t work. You need to go.”
Her breath hitched and the sob was clear enough that even she couldn’t deny it. He stepped toward her but she warded him off with a hand.
“No. It’s for the best that this happened early on. You have trust issues and I’m not sure anyone outside the circle you already have will be good enough for you. I have trust issues and God knows I react poorly to being humiliated in public. They clash and I thought it could work, but clearly it can’t. I won’t stand in the way of you seeing your son, of course. I’d never do that. He loves you.” Like she did. Tears were streaming down her face and she couldn’t stop them so she simply ignored them.
“Don’t do this.”
“I hope you’ll consider Miles’s feelings in all this. He doesn’t know about my father. Not the specifics. Just that he was a career criminal and not part of my life. Don’t blame him for my faults or the faults of a man he never met.”
She let herself touch him then. If only to push him back enough to shut the door and lock it again.
He put a hand over the place she’d just touched him. “Baby, please. English, I was wrong to be so harsh. I was shocked and I reacted wrong. I love you. I know you love me. I know you didn’t tell me because you were ashamed.”
He heard her crying, ached to help. Ached to make her feel better.
“This isn’t over, Gillian. Just know that I’m coming for you. We will work this out because no one is perfect for me except you.”
Her crying got worse and he put his forehead against the door, helpless against his own tears.
“Go. God, please. It’s too much to have you there. I can’t. Please.”
She turned off the porch light and he stood in the darkness as she turned off all the lights inside as well.
When she’d spoken to him she was not his Gillian. Her eyes didn’t hold the light she had just for him. Her voice had lost the lilt she used to speak to him. Not even her prim British. She sounded empty and numb.
Being that he felt empty and numb, he supposed they made a great pair.
It was too damned cold to wait on the porch until morning. Worse, Miles would be coming home and he knew it was important to keep their son away from this mess.
He drove to a local hotel and though he lay in bed, sleep would not come. She hadn’t seen her father at least since she left England. He’d not been any part of her life if Miles had no idea about the man. She had never returned to England since the day she left either.
