Nightwalker
Page 81
“Would that I could live in such blissful ignorance,” Kamen said softly.
Viève tried once again to move into his embrace, and this time he let her come. He tipped her chin up with a single finger and looked down on her face.
“Would you come live in the wilds with me? Away from all the rest of the world?”
“I would go anywhere with you,” she said intently. “Anywhere at any time.”
He gave her half a smile. “You need to live in a world where people are accepting of you. At least for a little while. You have lived too long in the dark of disapproval. You only love me because I was the first person to be kind to you.”
Love? Had she spoken of love?
Did she love him?
Viève realized that she did. She loved the way he talked. The way he smelled of bergamot. The way he moved like liquid muscle. She loved the way he touched her and the way he made her feel. She always felt so special beneath his caresses. She loved the heat of their passion and the wildness that came with it.
“I love you for far more reasons than the fact that you have been kind to me,” she said sternly.
He looked at her in surprise when she voiced the emotion for herself. He had not even realized what he was saying before, but hearing it from her lips changed everything.
He stepped away from her, leaving her cold.
“You cannot love me,” he said.
“Why not?” she asked.
“You do not understand. You never have. I am not…I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. Least of all yours.”
“That isn’t true,” she insisted, trying to step back into contact with him. But he stepped away again.
“You aren’t listening to me!” he said sharply.
“I am! And it sounds like you are saying you don’t love me. Is that true?”
“That isn’t what I am saying at all! My feelings…my feelings are beside the point!”
“What are your feelings?” she demanded of him. “Do you feel anything at all for me or are you truly so selfish that you cannot give love to someone else?”
“I have done nothing but give you love! Have you not felt my love for you in every little caress? Every little touch? I have tried to love you in the best way I know how!”
“You mean physical love. But have I touched your heart?” she asked.
He wanted to say yes. He wanted to tell her the truth. But that would be selfish because he would only be telling her to make her stay by his side for all the rest of his days…and she deserved better than that. Better than him.
And yet he couldn’t make himself say “no.” It would be a lie, and he was done with telling lies. If he were going to make any kind of a decent man of himself, he would need to be honest with others and with himself.
So he simply dodged the question.
“You only think you are in love because for the first time ever you have been exposed to kindness and gentility and acceptance. I am your first and all women fall in love with their first. Or they think they do.”
“Do you really think I’m that simpleminded? Are my feelings truly that trivial?” She sounded hurt. He would be hurt too if someone trivialized his feelings. But she couldn’t possibly love him. She simply couldn’t.
“This changes everything,” he said, backing away from her and crossing the room. “You can stay here. I will leave.”
Shock left her cold.
“You mean…permanently? You’re leaving altogether?”
“Yes. I’m no longer needed here and I need time by myself for a while. And it would be best for you if I—”
“Stop! You do not get to decide what is best for me! And you can’t leave. You have work to do. A lot of work! There are prisoners to deal with. You are the only one who knows these people, what they are truly made of. They need your help.”
“I’ll…” he floundered. She was right. His work here wasn’t done. “I’ll come back. After a while. When you’ve had time to realize that what you are feeling is not what you think it is.”
“Then you’ll be gone a long time because my feelings will not have changed. And neither will yours!” she said daringly. “You love me. I know you do. Why else would you be so afraid?”
“It’s not fear! It’s knowing. I know I am not good enough for you and you simply will not see that!”
“I never have and I never will because it’s not true! You are more than good enough. More than deserving.”
“You are wrong. It only proves to me how much you still devalue yourself. I won’t argue about this any longer,” he said, turning on her and walking out the door.
She followed him immediately, shouting at his back as he moved through the hall and down the stairs into the main body of the house.
“Oh! I have never met such a stubborn man! I am not the one devaluing myself! You’re the one who thinks he isn’t worthy of love. And you are wrong. Everybody, even the lowest of creatures, is deserving of love!”
They entered the main sitting room, only to find a group of people, including Leo; his wife, Faith; Jackson; Marissa; Ahnvil; and Kat sitting in conversation. They looked up upon hearing their angry voices.
“You’re wrong,” he said quietly, searching for an exit. “Love is a sacred thing. Just as forgiveness is a sacred thing. But you are so willing to give both so easily that you don’t see there are those who are undeserving of it.”
“Well that’s a real kick in the pants. You mean to say if someone goes through the trouble of forgiving you, you’re not even going to accept it?” Leo said, standing up.
Kamen froze in place and turned to look at Leo.
“I’m not asking for—”
“But you have it all the same,” Leo said quietly. Firmly. “I’m not saying we’re going to be the best of buds, but I realize I can’t move on from this if I don’t have some closure. That and the fact that I’ve seen how hard you’ve tried over this past year to make up for the things you’ve done.”
“I didn’t ask for your forgiveness,” Kamen echoed.
“No. But she did.” Leo pointed to Viève. “And she was right to do so. It’s time we all stopped playing kick the puppy around here.”
“Aye,” Ahnvil spoke up, though not too strongly at first. “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought myself lately. I find I doona hate you as much as I once did. These past months have allowed me to come to terms with the wrongs you have done me.”
Viève tried once again to move into his embrace, and this time he let her come. He tipped her chin up with a single finger and looked down on her face.
“Would you come live in the wilds with me? Away from all the rest of the world?”
“I would go anywhere with you,” she said intently. “Anywhere at any time.”
He gave her half a smile. “You need to live in a world where people are accepting of you. At least for a little while. You have lived too long in the dark of disapproval. You only love me because I was the first person to be kind to you.”
Love? Had she spoken of love?
Did she love him?
Viève realized that she did. She loved the way he talked. The way he smelled of bergamot. The way he moved like liquid muscle. She loved the way he touched her and the way he made her feel. She always felt so special beneath his caresses. She loved the heat of their passion and the wildness that came with it.
“I love you for far more reasons than the fact that you have been kind to me,” she said sternly.
He looked at her in surprise when she voiced the emotion for herself. He had not even realized what he was saying before, but hearing it from her lips changed everything.
He stepped away from her, leaving her cold.
“You cannot love me,” he said.
“Why not?” she asked.
“You do not understand. You never have. I am not…I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. Least of all yours.”
“That isn’t true,” she insisted, trying to step back into contact with him. But he stepped away again.
“You aren’t listening to me!” he said sharply.
“I am! And it sounds like you are saying you don’t love me. Is that true?”
“That isn’t what I am saying at all! My feelings…my feelings are beside the point!”
“What are your feelings?” she demanded of him. “Do you feel anything at all for me or are you truly so selfish that you cannot give love to someone else?”
“I have done nothing but give you love! Have you not felt my love for you in every little caress? Every little touch? I have tried to love you in the best way I know how!”
“You mean physical love. But have I touched your heart?” she asked.
He wanted to say yes. He wanted to tell her the truth. But that would be selfish because he would only be telling her to make her stay by his side for all the rest of his days…and she deserved better than that. Better than him.
And yet he couldn’t make himself say “no.” It would be a lie, and he was done with telling lies. If he were going to make any kind of a decent man of himself, he would need to be honest with others and with himself.
So he simply dodged the question.
“You only think you are in love because for the first time ever you have been exposed to kindness and gentility and acceptance. I am your first and all women fall in love with their first. Or they think they do.”
“Do you really think I’m that simpleminded? Are my feelings truly that trivial?” She sounded hurt. He would be hurt too if someone trivialized his feelings. But she couldn’t possibly love him. She simply couldn’t.
“This changes everything,” he said, backing away from her and crossing the room. “You can stay here. I will leave.”
Shock left her cold.
“You mean…permanently? You’re leaving altogether?”
“Yes. I’m no longer needed here and I need time by myself for a while. And it would be best for you if I—”
“Stop! You do not get to decide what is best for me! And you can’t leave. You have work to do. A lot of work! There are prisoners to deal with. You are the only one who knows these people, what they are truly made of. They need your help.”
“I’ll…” he floundered. She was right. His work here wasn’t done. “I’ll come back. After a while. When you’ve had time to realize that what you are feeling is not what you think it is.”
“Then you’ll be gone a long time because my feelings will not have changed. And neither will yours!” she said daringly. “You love me. I know you do. Why else would you be so afraid?”
“It’s not fear! It’s knowing. I know I am not good enough for you and you simply will not see that!”
“I never have and I never will because it’s not true! You are more than good enough. More than deserving.”
“You are wrong. It only proves to me how much you still devalue yourself. I won’t argue about this any longer,” he said, turning on her and walking out the door.
She followed him immediately, shouting at his back as he moved through the hall and down the stairs into the main body of the house.
“Oh! I have never met such a stubborn man! I am not the one devaluing myself! You’re the one who thinks he isn’t worthy of love. And you are wrong. Everybody, even the lowest of creatures, is deserving of love!”
They entered the main sitting room, only to find a group of people, including Leo; his wife, Faith; Jackson; Marissa; Ahnvil; and Kat sitting in conversation. They looked up upon hearing their angry voices.
“You’re wrong,” he said quietly, searching for an exit. “Love is a sacred thing. Just as forgiveness is a sacred thing. But you are so willing to give both so easily that you don’t see there are those who are undeserving of it.”
“Well that’s a real kick in the pants. You mean to say if someone goes through the trouble of forgiving you, you’re not even going to accept it?” Leo said, standing up.
Kamen froze in place and turned to look at Leo.
“I’m not asking for—”
“But you have it all the same,” Leo said quietly. Firmly. “I’m not saying we’re going to be the best of buds, but I realize I can’t move on from this if I don’t have some closure. That and the fact that I’ve seen how hard you’ve tried over this past year to make up for the things you’ve done.”
“I didn’t ask for your forgiveness,” Kamen echoed.
“No. But she did.” Leo pointed to Viève. “And she was right to do so. It’s time we all stopped playing kick the puppy around here.”
“Aye,” Ahnvil spoke up, though not too strongly at first. “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought myself lately. I find I doona hate you as much as I once did. These past months have allowed me to come to terms with the wrongs you have done me.”
