No Control

Page 41

Lana lifted herself up onto the hood, being careful not to touch him. “I can’t be the kind of woman you want. I don’t have room in my life for romantic complications.”
“Is that what I am? A complication?”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that there’s too much going on right now, and I don’t have the energy left to put effort into a relationship.”
“You have plenty of energy left for sex.”
“Yeah. It’s selfish, I know, but so far that’s the only thing I’ve found that lets me . . . forget.” A wave of grim memories threatened to crash into her, and she stuffed them down before they could. Just talking about forgetting made it impossible to do so. “When I’m with you I don’t have to think. I just get to feel.”
“And that’s a good thing?”
“The way you make me feel, yeah.”
That earned her a twitch of a smile.
She had to make him understand that her inadequacy had nothing to do with him. She was the one who was broken inside. She was the one who was warped. “It’s hard being afraid al the time.”
He turned his head and she could see him watch her out of the corner of her eye, compassion flattening his mouth. “You don’t have to be. You could let me help.”
“You realy want to help me?”
“That’s al I’ve wanted since the moment I laid eyes on you.”
That statement made her stomach knot. How hard must it have been for him to watch al that brutality and not be able to do anything about it? She often wondered if he didn’t carry as many emotional scars from that ordeal as she did. Maybe more. “Promise me that whatever happens between us, you’l protect my family, Stacie, and the kids at the foundation. Promise me you’l keep yourself safe.”
He turned, propping himself up on his elbow, his black eyes searching her face. “You make it sound like you expect something to happen to you. What aren’t you teling me now?”
Panic fluttered, but she controled it with a force of wil. She didn’t want him to see her plans to run away in her eyes. “Nothing, I just don’t want your anger toward me to make them suffer.”
“First, I’m not angry at you. Second, even if I was, I’d never let that stop me from doing the right thing and protecting the innocent.”
Lana was quiet for a while, listening to the crickets. “You should be angry, Caleb. What I did today was inexcusable. I shouldn’t have walked away from you like that after what you said.”
“It was an honest reaction—probably more honesty than I’ve gotten from you since I showed up.”
That stung, but she tried not to let it show. She’d told him plenty of lies, but she’d had no choice—no more than he’d had a choice about letting her abductors beat her.
She’d forgiven him for that and could only hope that if the truth ever came out, he’d do the same for her.
Lana puled at the strands of her resolve, needing to explain why she’d shunned him. It wasn’t going to be easy to admit al her shortcomings. “You deserve a lot more than I can give, Caleb. You deserve a woman who can love you back. One without so much baggage.” She swalowed a lump of regret. “One who can give you children.”
He reached for her but let his hand fal before he touched her, as if fearing she’d reject that, as wel. “If you’re trying to tel me you’re not good enough for me, then we have some things to straighten out. I’ve never met a stronger woman than you. We al have our own baggage, and you’ve handled yours fine, as far as I’m concerned. And if you’re holding back on me because you can’t have kids, don’t. The same could be true of any woman out there. I don’t love you because you’l be a good brood mare. I love you because of who you are, not what you can give me.”
Tears burned her eyes, and she had to turn away. So much for being strong. She couldn’t go one damn day without crying. “I don’t want you to love me at al. It’s too hard.”
“Grant said I should just back off and give you time to let things soak in. That’s not going to help, is it? Not even if I wait a lifetime.”
Lana shook her head, feeling the silky sway of her hair over her shoulders. She couldn’t give him any hope, because it would only be another lie. “I can’t be with you like that. I’m sorry, Caleb.”
She wanted to give him what he wanted, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t nearly as strong as he thought she was. Not nearly as strong as she wished she could be for him.
“Then how can you be with me? Because I’m not giving up on you. I won’t let you just walk away.”
Did he know her intentions? She didn’t think she’d given anything away, but Caleb was smart. “I know. You have your orders.”
“To hel with my orders. They have nothing to do with this.” He motioned between them. “I want to be with you—take whatever you’re wiling to give.”
Lana knew tonight would be her last night with him. She didn’t want to spend it alone. As he said, there were no second chances. This was the last night she’d ever have in his arms. She couldn’t deny herself one final moment to forget her troubles, even though she knew the risk it posed. “I’m wiling to share my bed, my body.”
“But not your heart,” he said, his jaw bunching.
Lana was dying inside, crumbling under the weight of his stare and the desperate need within it. “I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am, but I’l take what I can get.”
“And it wil be enough?”
Finaly, he touched her, running the tip of his finger over her cheek. “I guess it wil have to be.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Lana woke long before dawn, too anxious to sleep. Caleb had made love to her with a relentless, driving obsession that had nearly frightened her with its intensity. He’d told her that if al he could have was her body, then he was going to take everything she had to give, and he did, leaving her reeling.
She’d falen into an exhausted sleep and enjoyed another dreamless night. She wasn’t sure how she was going to go back to living through those nightmares without him.
He’d done so much for her and the foundation, and in return for his kindness, she would repay him with betrayal—sneaking off without even saying good-bye.
Under her bed she’d stowed a suitcase ful of a few things she knew she’d need. She wanted to bring the sketches she’d done of her family, or even a few photos, but she didn’t want anything with her that could connect her to them. She forced herself to stick to the necessities, and she scoured those for anything that might link her to her home.
She’d even ripped the prescription label off her sleeping pils, just in case.
After the fundraiser, while the chaos of cleanup was going on, Lana would slip away. She’d written notes to her parents, her sister, Stacie, and Caleb, begging them not to look for her. She’d been harsh in those letters, saying that she needed time alone without her family to interfere. She’d thanked Caleb for his help but had worded his letter so that there would be no question about the fact that she’d ended things between them. It was over. Period.
That one had hurt the most, had forced her to lie in the most heinous way of al. She pretended she didn’t care about him, that what they’d had was just a way for her to get some sleep, blow off some steam. She’d used him. That was al it had been.
Lana blinked back hot tears. She would not cry. She couldn’t give Caleb even the slightest hint that she was planning on leaving. He’d find a way to folow her, and she wasn’t sure she could leave him twice.
He shifted in his sleep, and the muscled weight of his arm crossed over her stomach, pinning her in place.
There had been a time not so long ago when that weight would have made her panic. Even the slightest hint of being restrained had swamped her with memories of her abduction. But that time was gone. Caleb had healed her somehow, driving away her nightmares with the quiet strength of his presence.
God, she was going to miss that.
Lana stroked his arm with her fingertips, trying to soak up every last bit of him she could. She wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to learn to live without him again, but she knew she had no choice.
Caleb made a sleepy sound of contentment and puled her beneath him, parting her legs with expert ease. A spear of longing stabbed right through Lana at the feel of his weight atop her, the tip of his erection nudging at her opening.
She was ready for him, wet and relaxed, her body aching to feel him slide inside her just one more time. Lana arched her hips toward him, taking him into her body in a long, slick thrust.
Caleb’s groan mixed with a sound of surprise, as if he hadn’t quite intended this to happen. His eyes were half-open, slumberous and sexy as hel. “Lana.”
She wrapped her legs around his waist, alowing him to sink deeper. The feeling of being filed and stretched tumbled through her, and she let out a soft sound of delight.
Bright little spots danced in her vision, and she wrapped her arms tight around Caleb, trying to steady herself.
His powerful body moved over hers, sliding in and out with the kind of strength that made her feel weak and protected al at the same time. “I’m on top,” he whispered into her hair.
“Yes,” she hissed out as he thrust deep once again. He hit that magical spot high inside her that made her world shrink down to a pinpoint of feeling between her legs.
“You okay with that?”
She could hear the concern in his voice but couldn’t respond. The sweet friction of his body inside hers, the grinding pressure against her clitoris, was too much. She gave herself up to the explosion of pleasure, let it become her whole world, where nothing could scare her or hurt her or take her away from Caleb.
It was perfect. She had one perfect moment to take with her into her bleak future, and she was grateful for the precious gift he’d given her.
As she came down, she heard Caleb’s deep chuckle, felt it inside her. “Guess you are okay with it,” he said, grinning at her.
He kissed her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks—little gentle, soft kisses over her sensitized skin that made her feel cherished.
“Thank you,” he told her, his face once again solemn.
He was stil thick and hard inside her but remained stil. “For trusting me. At least enough for this.”
She did trust him. More than she’d ever thought possible.
He moved, and Lana’s eyes fel closed. She was no longer able to concentrate on anything but the feel of his body riding hers, and she no longer cared that she couldn’t.
Caleb set the pace, a steady, deep rhythm that had Lana climbing toward climax once again. She had no idea how he did it. Sex had never been like this with Oran. It was like Caleb had an owner’s manual for her body and knew just what to do to drive her higher with every stroke.
Lana clung to him, her fingernails biting into his muscled back. He growled his approval at her rough treatment and eased a hand down between them, so he could toy with her nipples. It took no more than a slight pinch to have her arching off the bed into his thrusts.