Nothing Personal
Page 18
But along with joy came trepidation. What did her pregnancy mean for her relationship with Ryan? She remembered James’s words that day in the kitchen.
You know he’s going to dump you as soon as he gets you pregnant.
She hadn’t believed him. Wouldn’t believe him. She’d seen the change in Ryan over the past couple months. He enjoyed himself more, smiled more. Seemed happy. With her.
Faith was beginning to hope that maybe this marriage could work out. Maybe it wasn’t just an agreement on paper, but an agreement of two hearts.
Admittedly, for her it had always been personal. Maybe it had become that way for Ryan, too. He’d never said anything to her to lead her to believe he might want to make their marriage permanent. It was more the way he acted around her. She hoped her intuition was right.
Now she just had to find him and tell him about the baby. Then she’d see how he felt about it. But somehow, in her soul, she knew he cared for her, knew he wouldn’t kick her out.
She drove home carefully, conscious of the precious cargo she carried. She rushed into the house, threw her purse down and went searching for her husband.
He wasn’t in his office, nor was he in their room. She ran into James as she headed back into the kitchen.
“Have you seen Ryan?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Not recently. Why?”
“I was looking for him. I need to talk to him about something.”
“Anything I can help you with?”
“No. No, thank you.” She didn’t have time to sit around and play word games with James. She wanted to talk to Ryan.
“I think he mentioned he was going to be at the office tonight.
Something about a meeting there and he’d be working late.”
“The office? He didn’t tell me about a meeting.” Then again, she’d been so distracted and nervous about her doctor’s appointment she may not have heard him.
“Maybe you should meet him there,” James suggested.
“Maybe I will.” She thanked James and decided to clean up, dress nice, and surprise Ryan at the office later. Then she’d take him out to dinner and tell him the news.
She smiled on her way up the stairs. It was going to be a memorable day.
It was well after eight by the time Faith reached the office. She parked outside and had the guard let her in.
The office was dark when she entered the main door. She followed the dimly lit hallway to the executive offices, the only area on the floor with lights on.
She tiptoed into the outer office where her desk was located. She heard voices and immediately pushed aside the disappointing thought that Ryan hadn’t concluded his business yet. She was practically bursting with the news.
Nevertheless, she’d wait him out. He was going to be so happy when he heard. She sat at her desk and pulled a few files to work on while she waited.
It took a few moments, but Faith finally tuned into the conversation inside. Her ears perked up at the sound of a decidedly feminine voice.
“Well, how much longer is this going to take?”
A heated rush overcame her. She’d know that whining voice anywhere. It was Erica Stanton, Ryan’s former fiancée.
Faith couldn’t believe Erica had the audacity to show up after what she’d done to Ryan. Ready to defend her husband, she rose from her desk and started for the door, then stopped as she peeked inside the half open doorway. Ryan’s back was to her, but Erica had her arms wrapped around his neck, trailing her fingers through his dark hair.
“You know I hate waiting, darling. This whole charade has been miserable from the start. Thank heavens that idiot secretary of yours fell for it, hook, line and sinker. To think you had to endure ha**g s*x with that pitifully plain creature! I can only imagine the hardships you’ve had to endure.”
Faith’s world turned a hazy red as the impact of the woman’s words sunk in. Erica was talking about her! She grabbed hold of the doorway for support, trying to will the lightheadedness to pass.
Ryan bent over Erica’s ear and whispered. She couldn’t hear what he said, but Erica whined so loud it was easy to figure out at least one side of the conversation.
She waited for Ryan to push the woman away.
He didn’t. In fact, he slid his arms around Erica’s waist, pulling her closer to him.
This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be happening.
“I know, darling,” Erica said, her lips perfecting a well-practiced pout.
“But at least we won’t be saddled with a brat that neither of us want. As soon as you get the little mouse pregnant, you can divorce her and we can be together. Then we’ll have everything we want. All without a child, and without the restrictions of your grandfather’s will.”
Erica leaned up on her tiptoes and buried her face in Ryan’s neck. He pulled her even closer against him.
Faith’s knees buckled and she leaned against the doorway, trying to quell the rapid breaths. She felt dizzy, disoriented and utterly sick.
She had to get out of there before they saw her. Before she said something, did something to alert them of her presence.
Fighting the rising bile in her throat she grabbed her purse and stumbled down the hallway. The elevators seemed miles away, despite the fact she was almost running.
She couldn’t breathe, the tightness in her chest constricting her lungs. Tears blinded her visual progress towards the elevators and she held onto the wall to guide her.
Just a few feet and she’d be there. She had to make it despite the knife-like pain ripping her heart to pieces.
The elevator door opened and she hurried inside, furiously wiping the tears away, hoping against hope that neither Ryan nor Erica had seen her.
It took forever for the elevator to make its lengthy trek to the lobby.
She shifted on both feet and paced the slow moving box, trying to think.
Her mind wouldn’t cooperate. She didn’t know what to do next.
Was it possible to feel like this and survive? Miserable, lonely, emptiness shuddered through her. Knowing she had been used, knowing now that he had never loved her or even cared for her.
Finally, the lobby. She walked with a brisk pace past the guard, waving at his acknowledgement but unable to face him. She slid into her car and sat there, trying to control her breathing.
She had to focus. Had to gather her wits about her. It wouldn’t do her any good to drive in this condition.
After all, she had someone else beside herself to think about.
Their baby. Correction—her baby. Ryan hadn’t wanted this child any more than he’d wanted her.
How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let her love for him blind her to his real feelings?
If the whole situation wasn’t so pathetic she’d laugh.
First thing to do would be to go home. No, she corrected herself. Not home. To the McKay mansion.
That had never been her home. She’d have to find another.
Another with ample space for her and her child.
Chapter Twelve
Ryan had paced the bedroom for well over an hour. He was tired of waiting, of worrying.
Where was Faith?
He’d come home from a downtown meeting with a potential client, only to find his wife gone. No note, no message.
It was after ten.
Panic had set in right away.
He’d told himself he was being ridiculous. She was probably out shopping and would be home soon. But usually she called him if she was going somewhere.
And she wasn’t answering her cell phone.
It wasn’t like Faith to leave without a word.
He sat on the bed and forced himself to think logically. He bent his head to massage his temples. Then he started to laugh.
If anyone saw him like this they’d swear it was someone else, not the cool and calm Ryan McKay.
The cool and calm Ryan McKay didn’t care about anyone. He refused to get involved, would never open his heart. He was cold, unfeeling.
And one hundred and ten percent in love with his wife.
He lay back on the bed and contemplated the ceiling.
He was in love. With Faith.
So much for not getting personal. He’d made it as personal as it could get. He’d opened his heart and let her in.
And now he that he had let her in, he wanted to keep her there.
Forever.
He had a sneaking suspicion that when he told her he loved her, she’d return the words to him. For the first time, happily ever after didn’t seem as far-fetched as he once thought.
Maybe it hadn’t worked for his parents. Maybe his grandfather hadn’t known how to express his love. That didn’t mean Ryan had to follow in their footsteps. Faith had given him the one thing he’d never had before, the one thing he now craved more than anything else.
Love. Unconditional love.
He jumped off the bed at the sound of the front door.
“Faith?” He called out from the top of the stairs.
No answer, but he saw her heading up.
“Are you all right? I’ve been worried about you.”
It looked like he had been right to be worried. Dried tears streaked her face and she walked right past him without a word.
He followed her into the bedroom, his heartbeat accelerating. “What’s wrong?”
No response. She didn’t even look at him, just headed for the dressing area. He trailed behind her, concern conjuring up images of her wrecking the car or being in pain. He stopped her progress into the closet by gently reaching for her arm. “Faith. Turn around and talk to me. What happened?”
She faced him and he took a step back at the daggers in her blue eyes. They’d darkened like a hurricane sky, and yet underneath held a sadness that pierced his heart.
“Nothing happened, Ryan.”
Her voice was flat. No emotion. That wasn’t like Faith at all.
“That’s bull. You’re clearly upset. What’s wrong? Did James say something to you?”
She dragged out a suitcase and laid it on the table in the closet. “No, James didn’t say anything to me.”
“What are you doing?”
“Packing.”
“What are you packing for?”
“I’m leaving.”
His heart stopped. “What do you mean you’re leaving?”
Pain etched creases on her forehead and she shook her head at him.
“This isn’t working out.”
Dread formed in the pit of his stomach. “What?”
“I can’t stay here any longer, Ryan. I…I just can’t.”
He reached for her but she pulled away, shooting him an icy look.
Ryan threaded his hands through his hair. Her behavior made no sense at all. “Come out here, talk to me.”
She shook her head and continued packing. “There’s nothing to talk about. I really tried, but I’m just not interested in continuing this charade.”
“Charade?” He threaded his finger over his brow in an attempt to erase the budding headache. “I don’t understand this at all. Something’s happened to upset you. Tell me what it is.”
She shrugged as if she didn’t care at all. He knew better.
“I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being your pawn, Ryan. Tired of being molded and turned into someone who isn’t me.” She threw a few additional things in her suitcase and closed it, the snap of the locks echoing with the finality of a closing prison door.
She picked up the suitcase, barely filled with more than a few items of clothing, and headed back into the bedroom.
“I’ll be taking Tiger with me as soon as I get settled somewhere.
Please ask Margaret to look after him for me until I send word.”
This was ridiculous. He did grab her then, gently so as not to jar her, but with a firm grip despite the lifeless look she gave him. “I’m not letting you leave. Not without an explanation.”
She opened her mouth as if she’d say something, then clamped it shut.
“Faith, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Let go of me.”
He dropped his hand. She straightened her blouse and took a breath.
“You want an explanation? Here’s the only one you’ll get from me. I’m a person, Ryan. With a heart—with feelings. Not someone you can toy with, use to amuse yourself and then discard when I’ve served your purposes.
I may not be much to look at, and maybe I let my mother’s voice dwell in my head for too many years, but I am worthy of love. And I don’t deserve this.”
“Deserve what?” He heard the rise in his voice, but couldn’t stop it.
He was frustrated and getting angrier by the minute. He’d been guilty of many things in the past, things he didn’t want to think about even now.
He’d hurt people without thinking. But Faith—he hadn’t done a thing to hurt her. And yet the way she looked at him, her eyes so full of pain and misery, made him feel guilty.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, Ryan. It’s insulting. And I won’t even dignify it by mentioning it.”
He sighed and pulled his hand through his hair. “Faith. I have no earthly idea why you’re so upset. And what it is you think I’ve done to you? If you’ll stop for a minute and talk to me we can figure it out.”
For a second she seemed to consider it. Then just as quickly her eyes clouded over once again and she picked up the suitcase. “I’m sorry, Ryan. Sorry for what this will do to you, but I just can’t stay here with you any longer.”
She was really going to leave him. He’d been tried and convicted of whatever crime she thought he’d committed. And she wouldn’t even give him an opportunity to defend himself.
Suddenly it hit him. He knew what this was about.
You know he’s going to dump you as soon as he gets you pregnant.
She hadn’t believed him. Wouldn’t believe him. She’d seen the change in Ryan over the past couple months. He enjoyed himself more, smiled more. Seemed happy. With her.
Faith was beginning to hope that maybe this marriage could work out. Maybe it wasn’t just an agreement on paper, but an agreement of two hearts.
Admittedly, for her it had always been personal. Maybe it had become that way for Ryan, too. He’d never said anything to her to lead her to believe he might want to make their marriage permanent. It was more the way he acted around her. She hoped her intuition was right.
Now she just had to find him and tell him about the baby. Then she’d see how he felt about it. But somehow, in her soul, she knew he cared for her, knew he wouldn’t kick her out.
She drove home carefully, conscious of the precious cargo she carried. She rushed into the house, threw her purse down and went searching for her husband.
He wasn’t in his office, nor was he in their room. She ran into James as she headed back into the kitchen.
“Have you seen Ryan?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Not recently. Why?”
“I was looking for him. I need to talk to him about something.”
“Anything I can help you with?”
“No. No, thank you.” She didn’t have time to sit around and play word games with James. She wanted to talk to Ryan.
“I think he mentioned he was going to be at the office tonight.
Something about a meeting there and he’d be working late.”
“The office? He didn’t tell me about a meeting.” Then again, she’d been so distracted and nervous about her doctor’s appointment she may not have heard him.
“Maybe you should meet him there,” James suggested.
“Maybe I will.” She thanked James and decided to clean up, dress nice, and surprise Ryan at the office later. Then she’d take him out to dinner and tell him the news.
She smiled on her way up the stairs. It was going to be a memorable day.
It was well after eight by the time Faith reached the office. She parked outside and had the guard let her in.
The office was dark when she entered the main door. She followed the dimly lit hallway to the executive offices, the only area on the floor with lights on.
She tiptoed into the outer office where her desk was located. She heard voices and immediately pushed aside the disappointing thought that Ryan hadn’t concluded his business yet. She was practically bursting with the news.
Nevertheless, she’d wait him out. He was going to be so happy when he heard. She sat at her desk and pulled a few files to work on while she waited.
It took a few moments, but Faith finally tuned into the conversation inside. Her ears perked up at the sound of a decidedly feminine voice.
“Well, how much longer is this going to take?”
A heated rush overcame her. She’d know that whining voice anywhere. It was Erica Stanton, Ryan’s former fiancée.
Faith couldn’t believe Erica had the audacity to show up after what she’d done to Ryan. Ready to defend her husband, she rose from her desk and started for the door, then stopped as she peeked inside the half open doorway. Ryan’s back was to her, but Erica had her arms wrapped around his neck, trailing her fingers through his dark hair.
“You know I hate waiting, darling. This whole charade has been miserable from the start. Thank heavens that idiot secretary of yours fell for it, hook, line and sinker. To think you had to endure ha**g s*x with that pitifully plain creature! I can only imagine the hardships you’ve had to endure.”
Faith’s world turned a hazy red as the impact of the woman’s words sunk in. Erica was talking about her! She grabbed hold of the doorway for support, trying to will the lightheadedness to pass.
Ryan bent over Erica’s ear and whispered. She couldn’t hear what he said, but Erica whined so loud it was easy to figure out at least one side of the conversation.
She waited for Ryan to push the woman away.
He didn’t. In fact, he slid his arms around Erica’s waist, pulling her closer to him.
This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be happening.
“I know, darling,” Erica said, her lips perfecting a well-practiced pout.
“But at least we won’t be saddled with a brat that neither of us want. As soon as you get the little mouse pregnant, you can divorce her and we can be together. Then we’ll have everything we want. All without a child, and without the restrictions of your grandfather’s will.”
Erica leaned up on her tiptoes and buried her face in Ryan’s neck. He pulled her even closer against him.
Faith’s knees buckled and she leaned against the doorway, trying to quell the rapid breaths. She felt dizzy, disoriented and utterly sick.
She had to get out of there before they saw her. Before she said something, did something to alert them of her presence.
Fighting the rising bile in her throat she grabbed her purse and stumbled down the hallway. The elevators seemed miles away, despite the fact she was almost running.
She couldn’t breathe, the tightness in her chest constricting her lungs. Tears blinded her visual progress towards the elevators and she held onto the wall to guide her.
Just a few feet and she’d be there. She had to make it despite the knife-like pain ripping her heart to pieces.
The elevator door opened and she hurried inside, furiously wiping the tears away, hoping against hope that neither Ryan nor Erica had seen her.
It took forever for the elevator to make its lengthy trek to the lobby.
She shifted on both feet and paced the slow moving box, trying to think.
Her mind wouldn’t cooperate. She didn’t know what to do next.
Was it possible to feel like this and survive? Miserable, lonely, emptiness shuddered through her. Knowing she had been used, knowing now that he had never loved her or even cared for her.
Finally, the lobby. She walked with a brisk pace past the guard, waving at his acknowledgement but unable to face him. She slid into her car and sat there, trying to control her breathing.
She had to focus. Had to gather her wits about her. It wouldn’t do her any good to drive in this condition.
After all, she had someone else beside herself to think about.
Their baby. Correction—her baby. Ryan hadn’t wanted this child any more than he’d wanted her.
How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let her love for him blind her to his real feelings?
If the whole situation wasn’t so pathetic she’d laugh.
First thing to do would be to go home. No, she corrected herself. Not home. To the McKay mansion.
That had never been her home. She’d have to find another.
Another with ample space for her and her child.
Chapter Twelve
Ryan had paced the bedroom for well over an hour. He was tired of waiting, of worrying.
Where was Faith?
He’d come home from a downtown meeting with a potential client, only to find his wife gone. No note, no message.
It was after ten.
Panic had set in right away.
He’d told himself he was being ridiculous. She was probably out shopping and would be home soon. But usually she called him if she was going somewhere.
And she wasn’t answering her cell phone.
It wasn’t like Faith to leave without a word.
He sat on the bed and forced himself to think logically. He bent his head to massage his temples. Then he started to laugh.
If anyone saw him like this they’d swear it was someone else, not the cool and calm Ryan McKay.
The cool and calm Ryan McKay didn’t care about anyone. He refused to get involved, would never open his heart. He was cold, unfeeling.
And one hundred and ten percent in love with his wife.
He lay back on the bed and contemplated the ceiling.
He was in love. With Faith.
So much for not getting personal. He’d made it as personal as it could get. He’d opened his heart and let her in.
And now he that he had let her in, he wanted to keep her there.
Forever.
He had a sneaking suspicion that when he told her he loved her, she’d return the words to him. For the first time, happily ever after didn’t seem as far-fetched as he once thought.
Maybe it hadn’t worked for his parents. Maybe his grandfather hadn’t known how to express his love. That didn’t mean Ryan had to follow in their footsteps. Faith had given him the one thing he’d never had before, the one thing he now craved more than anything else.
Love. Unconditional love.
He jumped off the bed at the sound of the front door.
“Faith?” He called out from the top of the stairs.
No answer, but he saw her heading up.
“Are you all right? I’ve been worried about you.”
It looked like he had been right to be worried. Dried tears streaked her face and she walked right past him without a word.
He followed her into the bedroom, his heartbeat accelerating. “What’s wrong?”
No response. She didn’t even look at him, just headed for the dressing area. He trailed behind her, concern conjuring up images of her wrecking the car or being in pain. He stopped her progress into the closet by gently reaching for her arm. “Faith. Turn around and talk to me. What happened?”
She faced him and he took a step back at the daggers in her blue eyes. They’d darkened like a hurricane sky, and yet underneath held a sadness that pierced his heart.
“Nothing happened, Ryan.”
Her voice was flat. No emotion. That wasn’t like Faith at all.
“That’s bull. You’re clearly upset. What’s wrong? Did James say something to you?”
She dragged out a suitcase and laid it on the table in the closet. “No, James didn’t say anything to me.”
“What are you doing?”
“Packing.”
“What are you packing for?”
“I’m leaving.”
His heart stopped. “What do you mean you’re leaving?”
Pain etched creases on her forehead and she shook her head at him.
“This isn’t working out.”
Dread formed in the pit of his stomach. “What?”
“I can’t stay here any longer, Ryan. I…I just can’t.”
He reached for her but she pulled away, shooting him an icy look.
Ryan threaded his hands through his hair. Her behavior made no sense at all. “Come out here, talk to me.”
She shook her head and continued packing. “There’s nothing to talk about. I really tried, but I’m just not interested in continuing this charade.”
“Charade?” He threaded his finger over his brow in an attempt to erase the budding headache. “I don’t understand this at all. Something’s happened to upset you. Tell me what it is.”
She shrugged as if she didn’t care at all. He knew better.
“I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being your pawn, Ryan. Tired of being molded and turned into someone who isn’t me.” She threw a few additional things in her suitcase and closed it, the snap of the locks echoing with the finality of a closing prison door.
She picked up the suitcase, barely filled with more than a few items of clothing, and headed back into the bedroom.
“I’ll be taking Tiger with me as soon as I get settled somewhere.
Please ask Margaret to look after him for me until I send word.”
This was ridiculous. He did grab her then, gently so as not to jar her, but with a firm grip despite the lifeless look she gave him. “I’m not letting you leave. Not without an explanation.”
She opened her mouth as if she’d say something, then clamped it shut.
“Faith, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Let go of me.”
He dropped his hand. She straightened her blouse and took a breath.
“You want an explanation? Here’s the only one you’ll get from me. I’m a person, Ryan. With a heart—with feelings. Not someone you can toy with, use to amuse yourself and then discard when I’ve served your purposes.
I may not be much to look at, and maybe I let my mother’s voice dwell in my head for too many years, but I am worthy of love. And I don’t deserve this.”
“Deserve what?” He heard the rise in his voice, but couldn’t stop it.
He was frustrated and getting angrier by the minute. He’d been guilty of many things in the past, things he didn’t want to think about even now.
He’d hurt people without thinking. But Faith—he hadn’t done a thing to hurt her. And yet the way she looked at him, her eyes so full of pain and misery, made him feel guilty.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, Ryan. It’s insulting. And I won’t even dignify it by mentioning it.”
He sighed and pulled his hand through his hair. “Faith. I have no earthly idea why you’re so upset. And what it is you think I’ve done to you? If you’ll stop for a minute and talk to me we can figure it out.”
For a second she seemed to consider it. Then just as quickly her eyes clouded over once again and she picked up the suitcase. “I’m sorry, Ryan. Sorry for what this will do to you, but I just can’t stay here with you any longer.”
She was really going to leave him. He’d been tried and convicted of whatever crime she thought he’d committed. And she wouldn’t even give him an opportunity to defend himself.
Suddenly it hit him. He knew what this was about.
