Out of the Shallows
Page 53
Dr. Bremner gave me a nod of encouragement. “And?”
“It went well, actually. We compromised. I study law next fall. When I graduate, we’ll talk about the police academy again and whether they’re comfortable with the idea.”
After finally getting up the nerve to face my sister, I went home to Lanton with Andie for the weekend. I swear to God the distance between my dad and me melted as soon as I walked in the door with my sister at my side. He hugged us tight, relief and pride back in his eyes. Mom was much the same. As a family we sat down and talked everything through with honesty and as much calm as we could muster.
It wasn’t all tied up neatly in a bow. Andie had forgiven me but she was still mad it had taken me so long to come check on her. And she had every right to be angry. I was still a little pissed at my dad for the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had guilty looks on their faces. Especially when Andie told them it was Jake who’d helped me work it out. I’d tried to tell my dad at his auto shop that day, and although it made him ease up on me, he hadn’t gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he thought I was. That’s who I thought I was too.
But over the last few months, Andie and Dr. Bremner, her colleague, had shown me that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help from friends and family. It didn’t make me any less of a person.
Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my thoughts and realize what it was I wanted out of life. Dr. Bremner and I were taking it step by step and had spent time talking about my career. She didn’t just take my word at face value—she wanted me to dig deep so I’d know for sure if giving up the academy was something I could live with in the long run. I was willing to do what it took to give my family peace of mind, but I also wanted a career that would make me feel less powerless. Because Andie was right in the end. I had a crazy savior complex and it needed an outlet.
I passed the LSATs with flying colors and was accepted into law school at the University of Chicago. A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so passionate about his job, that aspect of it didn’t bother me. He said it came with good and bad. It was hard to defend people who were guilty of heinous crimes no matter if you were a public defender or working for a private law firm, but it was balanced by the fact that he got to help people in impossible situations and maybe give them a second chance.
It was another viewpoint I hadn’t considered.
And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the internships, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was three years away, and anything could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the academy.
So Andie had accompanied me for moral support last weekend while I discussed the possibility with my parents. They still felt uneasy about it but agreed that they wouldn’t know how they’d feel about it in three years’ time, either, and we could talk about it then.
“How do you feel about that?” Dr. Bremner said. “Does the uncertainty make you uneasy?”
“Not anymore. I’m learning patience.”
She smiled. “Good.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. “That’s time.”
I stood up. “I’ll see you in a few weeks?”
“In a few weeks,” she agreed. “Perhaps we can finally talk about Jake.”
My breath whooshed out of me at the thought. “Okay,” I said quietly.
I felt a little off balance as I wandered down the hall to my sister’s office. The light outside her door wasn’t on, which meant she didn’t have a patient.
She sat behind her desk in the corner of the room, her back to the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the Streeterville area of Chicago. Her office was cozy and comfortable compared to Dr. Bremner’s clinical one. Andie had a fat, comfy fabric sofa for her clients while Bremner had a black leather chaise that squeaked with the slightest movement.
My eyes strayed to the framed quote behind Andie’s desk.
It sucks at first. But it gets better.
I thought the words she’d said to me all those weeks ago were so fitting for her job that I’d had them printed on thick white paper in embossed dark gold and framed for her office. I wasn’t sure if she’d actually hang it, but it went up right away. She said it was the first thing her clients saw upon entering, and most thought it funny.
“That time already?” Andie said, looking up from her laptop.
“Yup. You ready?”
“Give me two minutes.”
I visited Chicago every three weeks to talk to Bremner and afterwards, Andie drove us to Lanton to spend the weekend with our parents. It wasn’t a permanent thing but I think we both felt we needed to do it to return our family to some kind of normality.
We arrived in Lanton a few hours later and walked into our parents’ house, greeted by the magical aroma of brisket and steamed veggies.
Sitting at dinner, I noted that the grim quality in my father’s eyes was gone now. There was still something weighty in his expression and I don’t think that would ever go away. He’d come close to losing a kid and I think he and Mom would carry that with them always. But they were both doing so much better, and Mom no longer visited the cemetery to find understanding from her dead mother. I saw that as a plus.
“I’m sorry Claudia had to cancel this weekend,” Mom said after passing around the broccoli.
I almost sniggered at the thought of my love-struck friend. “Well, Beck’s band is playing a popular bar in Evanston and she likes to be at his gigs to keep the groupies away. They’re starting to really make a name for themselves in Chicago.”
Dad frowned. “If they hit it big, she’ll have to learn to deal with that. She better think on it carefully—I don’t want her to get hurt.”
I felt warmth in my chest over my dad’s concern for my best friend. Her parents were never going to provide that for her, but I was glad she had a good substitute. “She has. It makes her uncomfortable, but she’s willing to deal with it for Beck.” I snorted. “He told her she had nothing to worry about. He convinced her with his usual hard-to-say-no-to charm.”
“It went well, actually. We compromised. I study law next fall. When I graduate, we’ll talk about the police academy again and whether they’re comfortable with the idea.”
After finally getting up the nerve to face my sister, I went home to Lanton with Andie for the weekend. I swear to God the distance between my dad and me melted as soon as I walked in the door with my sister at my side. He hugged us tight, relief and pride back in his eyes. Mom was much the same. As a family we sat down and talked everything through with honesty and as much calm as we could muster.
It wasn’t all tied up neatly in a bow. Andie had forgiven me but she was still mad it had taken me so long to come check on her. And she had every right to be angry. I was still a little pissed at my dad for the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had guilty looks on their faces. Especially when Andie told them it was Jake who’d helped me work it out. I’d tried to tell my dad at his auto shop that day, and although it made him ease up on me, he hadn’t gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he thought I was. That’s who I thought I was too.
But over the last few months, Andie and Dr. Bremner, her colleague, had shown me that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help from friends and family. It didn’t make me any less of a person.
Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my thoughts and realize what it was I wanted out of life. Dr. Bremner and I were taking it step by step and had spent time talking about my career. She didn’t just take my word at face value—she wanted me to dig deep so I’d know for sure if giving up the academy was something I could live with in the long run. I was willing to do what it took to give my family peace of mind, but I also wanted a career that would make me feel less powerless. Because Andie was right in the end. I had a crazy savior complex and it needed an outlet.
I passed the LSATs with flying colors and was accepted into law school at the University of Chicago. A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so passionate about his job, that aspect of it didn’t bother me. He said it came with good and bad. It was hard to defend people who were guilty of heinous crimes no matter if you were a public defender or working for a private law firm, but it was balanced by the fact that he got to help people in impossible situations and maybe give them a second chance.
It was another viewpoint I hadn’t considered.
And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the internships, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was three years away, and anything could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the academy.
So Andie had accompanied me for moral support last weekend while I discussed the possibility with my parents. They still felt uneasy about it but agreed that they wouldn’t know how they’d feel about it in three years’ time, either, and we could talk about it then.
“How do you feel about that?” Dr. Bremner said. “Does the uncertainty make you uneasy?”
“Not anymore. I’m learning patience.”
She smiled. “Good.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. “That’s time.”
I stood up. “I’ll see you in a few weeks?”
“In a few weeks,” she agreed. “Perhaps we can finally talk about Jake.”
My breath whooshed out of me at the thought. “Okay,” I said quietly.
I felt a little off balance as I wandered down the hall to my sister’s office. The light outside her door wasn’t on, which meant she didn’t have a patient.
She sat behind her desk in the corner of the room, her back to the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the Streeterville area of Chicago. Her office was cozy and comfortable compared to Dr. Bremner’s clinical one. Andie had a fat, comfy fabric sofa for her clients while Bremner had a black leather chaise that squeaked with the slightest movement.
My eyes strayed to the framed quote behind Andie’s desk.
It sucks at first. But it gets better.
I thought the words she’d said to me all those weeks ago were so fitting for her job that I’d had them printed on thick white paper in embossed dark gold and framed for her office. I wasn’t sure if she’d actually hang it, but it went up right away. She said it was the first thing her clients saw upon entering, and most thought it funny.
“That time already?” Andie said, looking up from her laptop.
“Yup. You ready?”
“Give me two minutes.”
I visited Chicago every three weeks to talk to Bremner and afterwards, Andie drove us to Lanton to spend the weekend with our parents. It wasn’t a permanent thing but I think we both felt we needed to do it to return our family to some kind of normality.
We arrived in Lanton a few hours later and walked into our parents’ house, greeted by the magical aroma of brisket and steamed veggies.
Sitting at dinner, I noted that the grim quality in my father’s eyes was gone now. There was still something weighty in his expression and I don’t think that would ever go away. He’d come close to losing a kid and I think he and Mom would carry that with them always. But they were both doing so much better, and Mom no longer visited the cemetery to find understanding from her dead mother. I saw that as a plus.
“I’m sorry Claudia had to cancel this weekend,” Mom said after passing around the broccoli.
I almost sniggered at the thought of my love-struck friend. “Well, Beck’s band is playing a popular bar in Evanston and she likes to be at his gigs to keep the groupies away. They’re starting to really make a name for themselves in Chicago.”
Dad frowned. “If they hit it big, she’ll have to learn to deal with that. She better think on it carefully—I don’t want her to get hurt.”
I felt warmth in my chest over my dad’s concern for my best friend. Her parents were never going to provide that for her, but I was glad she had a good substitute. “She has. It makes her uncomfortable, but she’s willing to deal with it for Beck.” I snorted. “He told her she had nothing to worry about. He convinced her with his usual hard-to-say-no-to charm.”
