Out of the Shallows
Page 55
That emotional distance was crippling.
Yet I couldn’t give up those emails. While I floated in limbo over Jake, those emails kept me tethered to him.
The Brewhouse was packed, bodies crammed together at the bar, around tables, but mostly around the stage. And most of those bodies were girls.
A friend of Denver’s worked at WCCR, the college radio station here at Purdue, and he’d gotten The Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse. Claudia and I pinned posters of the band everywhere. All the marketing seemed to have paid off.
I smirked as a girl tried to grab Lowe’s leg and he somehow managed to avoid contact while wearing a wickedly sweet smile that placated her. I shot a look at Claudia and was surprised to see she looked calm about the girls panting over the band and over her boyfriend.
It might have had something to do with the fact that Beck didn’t look at any of those girls. He either watched Claudia or was too lost in the music to be focused on anyone else.
Alex, Sharon, and Claudia were trying to talk—shout—over the music, but I’d given up on conversation. I wasn’t in a chatty mood anyway and hadn’t been since receiving Jake’s email two days ago.
Charley,
I know the guys are playing Purdue this weekend but I wanted to let you know I won’t make it. It’s my mom’s birthday that weekend and Dad’s got this whole big dinner thing planned.
Have a great time.
Jake
Up until the email, I’d been worried sick about Jake appearing because I wasn’t sure how I would cope. I knew that I loved him, but I still wasn’t sure we were in the right place to start our relationship up again, so I didn’t want to see him. I knew seeing him would rip open the longing inside me and maybe cause me to act rashly.
Now that he wasn’t coming, I was worried. His emails were getting shorter and if possible, even more emotionally distant.
I was losing him.
Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been more than patient and I had been more than confusing.
Claudia nudged my side and I glanced at her. “You okay?” she shouted over the music.
“I’m fine,” I mouthed and turned back to look at the stage, feeling her concerned stare burning into the side of my face.
When the guys finished their set, I was relieved—not because I didn’t love listening to them play, I did, but because hanging out with them usually took my mind off other things. Such as Jake’s absence.
The guys managed to magically finagle a table once they’d gotten past most of the flushed, bothered girls trying to cram their numbers in the guys’ pockets. Even when we all sat down, girls hovered nearby, watching them all. Beck pulled Claudia down onto his lap and she willingly sat there for him because she was his human shield against obnoxious girls.
Lowe smirked at the maneuver before he quirked a questioning eyebrow in my direction.
I shook my head. “Don’t even think about.”
“I have a very nice lap.” He pouted and his lip ring stuck out comically.
With laughter in my voice, I said, “Tempting, but I’ll pass.”
“Will you at least help me get the drinks?” He nodded his head toward the bar and I stood in answer.
We weaved our way through the crowd, getting stopped by guys and girls who wanted to congratulate Lowe and tell him how much they enjoyed the show.
“Wow,” I said as we moved into the crowd around the bar. “You’re, like, famous.”
He gave me a droll look. “Just catching on.”
I punched him playfully. “I’m serious. You guys are doing well. Paid gigs, airplay…”
Lowe gave me a shy grin. “Yeah, things are starting to get serious. People actually know us back in Chicago. It’s surreal but it’s good. We’ve got a meeting with a small label next week. I don’t think we’re going to take an offer, but we want to talk, get experience with that stuff, show our interest in moving forward with the band.”
My eyes rounded at the news. “Lowe, that’s amazing. You guys deserve it.”
I felt his arm slide around my waist and he gave me a friendly half hug. “Thank you.” He ducked his head, bringing it close to mine. “It’s good to see you, Redford. We’ve all missed you.”
“I’ve missed you guys too.” I smiled a little sadly and he caught it and gave me another squeeze.
Unable to stop myself, I said, “How’s Jake?”
Lowe’s eyebrows drew together. “I thought you guys were emailing.”
“We are.” I shrugged. “But we don’t really talk about anything real anymore. I just…” My heart pounded so hard in my chest, I felt it in my throat. The nausea quickly followed. “Is he seeing someone?”
Lowe instantly stiffened with discomfort.
“Oh my God.” I looked away, feeling panic claw at my insides.
“No, not oh my God.” Lowe tugged on my waist to draw my eyes back to his. Sincerity shone through them as he said, “He’s not seeing anyone. I just don’t think it’s my place to talk about this stuff.”
“I know. It’s just Beck and Claudia refuse to talk about it, and I wanted to know if he’s moved on. If he’s sleeping with other girls.”
Studying me for a moment, taking in my pleading eyes with a huff of annoyance, Lowe replied, “I can’t not give in to you.” He shook his head in consternation. “This is how Jake must feel all the time.”
“Well?”
“Truth? Jake has girls come on to him. Does he go home with any of them? No.”
Relief whooshed through me. “Really?”
His expression suddenly turned disapproving. “He knows what it’s like to have you in his bed. Nothing else measures up right now because he still loves you. I feel bad for the guy. I’m also confused as f**k because I look at you and I know how crushed you’d be if you found out he was with some other girl. I look at you and I know you love Jake. What I can’t understand is why you’re not with him.”
“Because,” I tried to explain, “if we do this a third time, we both better be sure. Right now, I’m still trying to figure other stuff out.”
Lowe rolled his eyes. “Not to be a shit, Charley, but you’re twenty-one. We’re all trying to figure stuff out at twenty-one. You think you’re the only one who has a crisis of identity in college? You’re not. And it doesn’t mean you should put the important stuff on hold.”
Yet I couldn’t give up those emails. While I floated in limbo over Jake, those emails kept me tethered to him.
The Brewhouse was packed, bodies crammed together at the bar, around tables, but mostly around the stage. And most of those bodies were girls.
A friend of Denver’s worked at WCCR, the college radio station here at Purdue, and he’d gotten The Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse. Claudia and I pinned posters of the band everywhere. All the marketing seemed to have paid off.
I smirked as a girl tried to grab Lowe’s leg and he somehow managed to avoid contact while wearing a wickedly sweet smile that placated her. I shot a look at Claudia and was surprised to see she looked calm about the girls panting over the band and over her boyfriend.
It might have had something to do with the fact that Beck didn’t look at any of those girls. He either watched Claudia or was too lost in the music to be focused on anyone else.
Alex, Sharon, and Claudia were trying to talk—shout—over the music, but I’d given up on conversation. I wasn’t in a chatty mood anyway and hadn’t been since receiving Jake’s email two days ago.
Charley,
I know the guys are playing Purdue this weekend but I wanted to let you know I won’t make it. It’s my mom’s birthday that weekend and Dad’s got this whole big dinner thing planned.
Have a great time.
Jake
Up until the email, I’d been worried sick about Jake appearing because I wasn’t sure how I would cope. I knew that I loved him, but I still wasn’t sure we were in the right place to start our relationship up again, so I didn’t want to see him. I knew seeing him would rip open the longing inside me and maybe cause me to act rashly.
Now that he wasn’t coming, I was worried. His emails were getting shorter and if possible, even more emotionally distant.
I was losing him.
Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been more than patient and I had been more than confusing.
Claudia nudged my side and I glanced at her. “You okay?” she shouted over the music.
“I’m fine,” I mouthed and turned back to look at the stage, feeling her concerned stare burning into the side of my face.
When the guys finished their set, I was relieved—not because I didn’t love listening to them play, I did, but because hanging out with them usually took my mind off other things. Such as Jake’s absence.
The guys managed to magically finagle a table once they’d gotten past most of the flushed, bothered girls trying to cram their numbers in the guys’ pockets. Even when we all sat down, girls hovered nearby, watching them all. Beck pulled Claudia down onto his lap and she willingly sat there for him because she was his human shield against obnoxious girls.
Lowe smirked at the maneuver before he quirked a questioning eyebrow in my direction.
I shook my head. “Don’t even think about.”
“I have a very nice lap.” He pouted and his lip ring stuck out comically.
With laughter in my voice, I said, “Tempting, but I’ll pass.”
“Will you at least help me get the drinks?” He nodded his head toward the bar and I stood in answer.
We weaved our way through the crowd, getting stopped by guys and girls who wanted to congratulate Lowe and tell him how much they enjoyed the show.
“Wow,” I said as we moved into the crowd around the bar. “You’re, like, famous.”
He gave me a droll look. “Just catching on.”
I punched him playfully. “I’m serious. You guys are doing well. Paid gigs, airplay…”
Lowe gave me a shy grin. “Yeah, things are starting to get serious. People actually know us back in Chicago. It’s surreal but it’s good. We’ve got a meeting with a small label next week. I don’t think we’re going to take an offer, but we want to talk, get experience with that stuff, show our interest in moving forward with the band.”
My eyes rounded at the news. “Lowe, that’s amazing. You guys deserve it.”
I felt his arm slide around my waist and he gave me a friendly half hug. “Thank you.” He ducked his head, bringing it close to mine. “It’s good to see you, Redford. We’ve all missed you.”
“I’ve missed you guys too.” I smiled a little sadly and he caught it and gave me another squeeze.
Unable to stop myself, I said, “How’s Jake?”
Lowe’s eyebrows drew together. “I thought you guys were emailing.”
“We are.” I shrugged. “But we don’t really talk about anything real anymore. I just…” My heart pounded so hard in my chest, I felt it in my throat. The nausea quickly followed. “Is he seeing someone?”
Lowe instantly stiffened with discomfort.
“Oh my God.” I looked away, feeling panic claw at my insides.
“No, not oh my God.” Lowe tugged on my waist to draw my eyes back to his. Sincerity shone through them as he said, “He’s not seeing anyone. I just don’t think it’s my place to talk about this stuff.”
“I know. It’s just Beck and Claudia refuse to talk about it, and I wanted to know if he’s moved on. If he’s sleeping with other girls.”
Studying me for a moment, taking in my pleading eyes with a huff of annoyance, Lowe replied, “I can’t not give in to you.” He shook his head in consternation. “This is how Jake must feel all the time.”
“Well?”
“Truth? Jake has girls come on to him. Does he go home with any of them? No.”
Relief whooshed through me. “Really?”
His expression suddenly turned disapproving. “He knows what it’s like to have you in his bed. Nothing else measures up right now because he still loves you. I feel bad for the guy. I’m also confused as f**k because I look at you and I know how crushed you’d be if you found out he was with some other girl. I look at you and I know you love Jake. What I can’t understand is why you’re not with him.”
“Because,” I tried to explain, “if we do this a third time, we both better be sure. Right now, I’m still trying to figure other stuff out.”
Lowe rolled his eyes. “Not to be a shit, Charley, but you’re twenty-one. We’re all trying to figure stuff out at twenty-one. You think you’re the only one who has a crisis of identity in college? You’re not. And it doesn’t mean you should put the important stuff on hold.”
