Panic
Page 15
“Did the shoots with Billy and Spencer feel good?”
I walked right into that, didn’t I? “The photo shoots with Billy and Spencer were erotic, that’s for sure, but not like they are with Ronin.”
“And what did you think of our running routine?”
“I loved it, to be honest.” Ford smiles and my heart rate increases when I realize Ronin will see that smile on TV next spring. “Running with you every morning was—well, I wouldn’t call it fun, but I would call it helpful. I liked getting up early, and believe me, that was a huge change for me. But I like the feel of dawn. When things are just getting ready to stir and life is still on pause from the night before.”
Ford stares at me for a second, a look of contemplation on his face. “That’s a very poetic way to put it.” Then he chuckles and moves on. “Tell me more about the shoots and the painting, Rook. And then you can be finished with the camera work. Just say whatever you want, I’ll have it edited down.”
“OK.” I swallow, a little relieved at that. “Well, Spencer is incredible. His talent is beyond words. My favorite painting was the tattoo woman because he painted all his tattoos on me just like they were on him. And his own body art is exceptional. I’ve never seen tattoos planned out like that, it’s not just a front piece or a sleeve, it’s a whole upper-body piece. The birds—oh my God, even if my name wasn’t Rook, I would fall in love with them. And the final painting at Sturgis was like the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I told him that this was the best summer of my life, and I wasn’t kidding. I learned a lot about myself this summer.” I stop and smile because he’s smiling now.
“What else made you happy, Rook?”
“Modeling with Ronin in costume,” I say, blushing. “He was that sexy Elvis and wow. And actually, Billy was a pretty hot cowboy, too.” I shrug. “I loved it. I probably shouldn’t have loved it, I should probably be embarrassed about what I did for money, about having Spencer paint up my body like that, not to mention the photographs and the rally show. But I’m not embarrassed about it. I’ll never forget this summer. I’ll never regret being Spencer’s canvas, and I’ll never regret becoming a model for Antoine Chaput.”
Ford stands up and turns the cameras off again and then sits back down.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it for the questions I want on film. But I have a few more for you, Rook.”
I gulp some air. “Ford, let’s not, OK? Let’s just leave it here.”
“No,” he says firmly. “I have a few questions for you and since the Biker Channel wants me to have two roles in the full season I want to get this out in the open.”
“What two roles?”
“Well, I’m still producer, but they want me interacting with you guys like I did in the pilot. So I’m a character now as well.”
“Oh.” I’m pretty sure this is bad for me. And I’m also pretty sure Ronin does not know this yet.
“So my first question is, why did you run with me all summer? Was it because you loved the exercise or because you did it with me? And no lies, Rook, I’m not interested in lies.”
“Ford, please. Please don’t ruin this for me. I love Ronin, I like you too, and I’m not sure what those feelings are, but I love Ronin. Don’t mess it up.”
“Why would I go out of my way to make you happy only to do something later to cause you pain?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. You’re playing with me, you’re messing with my head, you’re—”
“I’m not, Rook. I’m not playing with you at all. Every intention is sincere, I promise.”
“But I’m seeing Ronin, I can’t—”
“I can’t either. Do you know why I brought that woman here tonight?”
I swear my heart stops for a moment. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you to see me and maybe accept me for who I really am. I’m not a good guy, Rook. I’m not even close to a good guy. I want you to succeed, I want you to be happy, and that happiness will never come from me. I just want you to know that what I am doing, these little things—like reading to you, the exercise, bringing you breakfast, talking—it’s the only way I know how to care.”
A lump starts forming in my throat, my face goes hot, and I can feel tears. Actual tears starting to form. I have to breathe deeply for several seconds to shut down my body’s visceral reaction to his words.
“And,” he continues, “I want you to know that I care about you. I care enough about you to leave this conversation here in this apartment when you walk out that door and go back to Ronin. I want you to make your dreams come true and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. That is the only way I know to express… love. But I will never kiss you.”
I look up and meet his gaze.
“I will never do anything physical to ruin what you have with Ronin. I would just like you to talk to me. Be honest when I ask for it, trust me, and be my friend. Is that too much?”
A little laugh comes out at Ford’s question. “Of course not. I’d love to be your friend, Ford.”
He pulls his hands back and smiles. “Good. Then we’re done here. Just send Ronin in, I won’t keep him long.”
“I thought you wanted me to talk about Clare?”
“Why would I make you do that?” He grins and that chin dimple appears. “Why would I make you talk about her? On this night, of all nights? I only want you to be happy, Rook. If I had information you needed to know about anything, especially about Ronin being a lying, cheating piece of shit, believe me, I’d just tell you straight up. He’s not, by the way. Ronin is a pretty straight shooter despite being the most convincing liar I’ve ever come across. I am not playing games with your feelings, I’m not trying to trap you and force you to interact with me or f**k up your relationship. I want you to want to be my friend. I want you to want to trust me, and come to me for help. I have no desire to corner you into doing anything. I just want to be the safe guy, like you said this morning. The person who will point you in the right direction and you can feel comfortable taking my advice.”
I walked right into that, didn’t I? “The photo shoots with Billy and Spencer were erotic, that’s for sure, but not like they are with Ronin.”
“And what did you think of our running routine?”
“I loved it, to be honest.” Ford smiles and my heart rate increases when I realize Ronin will see that smile on TV next spring. “Running with you every morning was—well, I wouldn’t call it fun, but I would call it helpful. I liked getting up early, and believe me, that was a huge change for me. But I like the feel of dawn. When things are just getting ready to stir and life is still on pause from the night before.”
Ford stares at me for a second, a look of contemplation on his face. “That’s a very poetic way to put it.” Then he chuckles and moves on. “Tell me more about the shoots and the painting, Rook. And then you can be finished with the camera work. Just say whatever you want, I’ll have it edited down.”
“OK.” I swallow, a little relieved at that. “Well, Spencer is incredible. His talent is beyond words. My favorite painting was the tattoo woman because he painted all his tattoos on me just like they were on him. And his own body art is exceptional. I’ve never seen tattoos planned out like that, it’s not just a front piece or a sleeve, it’s a whole upper-body piece. The birds—oh my God, even if my name wasn’t Rook, I would fall in love with them. And the final painting at Sturgis was like the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I told him that this was the best summer of my life, and I wasn’t kidding. I learned a lot about myself this summer.” I stop and smile because he’s smiling now.
“What else made you happy, Rook?”
“Modeling with Ronin in costume,” I say, blushing. “He was that sexy Elvis and wow. And actually, Billy was a pretty hot cowboy, too.” I shrug. “I loved it. I probably shouldn’t have loved it, I should probably be embarrassed about what I did for money, about having Spencer paint up my body like that, not to mention the photographs and the rally show. But I’m not embarrassed about it. I’ll never forget this summer. I’ll never regret being Spencer’s canvas, and I’ll never regret becoming a model for Antoine Chaput.”
Ford stands up and turns the cameras off again and then sits back down.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it for the questions I want on film. But I have a few more for you, Rook.”
I gulp some air. “Ford, let’s not, OK? Let’s just leave it here.”
“No,” he says firmly. “I have a few questions for you and since the Biker Channel wants me to have two roles in the full season I want to get this out in the open.”
“What two roles?”
“Well, I’m still producer, but they want me interacting with you guys like I did in the pilot. So I’m a character now as well.”
“Oh.” I’m pretty sure this is bad for me. And I’m also pretty sure Ronin does not know this yet.
“So my first question is, why did you run with me all summer? Was it because you loved the exercise or because you did it with me? And no lies, Rook, I’m not interested in lies.”
“Ford, please. Please don’t ruin this for me. I love Ronin, I like you too, and I’m not sure what those feelings are, but I love Ronin. Don’t mess it up.”
“Why would I go out of my way to make you happy only to do something later to cause you pain?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. You’re playing with me, you’re messing with my head, you’re—”
“I’m not, Rook. I’m not playing with you at all. Every intention is sincere, I promise.”
“But I’m seeing Ronin, I can’t—”
“I can’t either. Do you know why I brought that woman here tonight?”
I swear my heart stops for a moment. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you to see me and maybe accept me for who I really am. I’m not a good guy, Rook. I’m not even close to a good guy. I want you to succeed, I want you to be happy, and that happiness will never come from me. I just want you to know that what I am doing, these little things—like reading to you, the exercise, bringing you breakfast, talking—it’s the only way I know how to care.”
A lump starts forming in my throat, my face goes hot, and I can feel tears. Actual tears starting to form. I have to breathe deeply for several seconds to shut down my body’s visceral reaction to his words.
“And,” he continues, “I want you to know that I care about you. I care enough about you to leave this conversation here in this apartment when you walk out that door and go back to Ronin. I want you to make your dreams come true and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. That is the only way I know to express… love. But I will never kiss you.”
I look up and meet his gaze.
“I will never do anything physical to ruin what you have with Ronin. I would just like you to talk to me. Be honest when I ask for it, trust me, and be my friend. Is that too much?”
A little laugh comes out at Ford’s question. “Of course not. I’d love to be your friend, Ford.”
He pulls his hands back and smiles. “Good. Then we’re done here. Just send Ronin in, I won’t keep him long.”
“I thought you wanted me to talk about Clare?”
“Why would I make you do that?” He grins and that chin dimple appears. “Why would I make you talk about her? On this night, of all nights? I only want you to be happy, Rook. If I had information you needed to know about anything, especially about Ronin being a lying, cheating piece of shit, believe me, I’d just tell you straight up. He’s not, by the way. Ronin is a pretty straight shooter despite being the most convincing liar I’ve ever come across. I am not playing games with your feelings, I’m not trying to trap you and force you to interact with me or f**k up your relationship. I want you to want to be my friend. I want you to want to trust me, and come to me for help. I have no desire to corner you into doing anything. I just want to be the safe guy, like you said this morning. The person who will point you in the right direction and you can feel comfortable taking my advice.”
