Perfect Regret
Page 21
My brother and sister hadn’t been much better. My brother seemed lost and all my sister did was cry. It got better when Felicity’s husband, Sam, showed up with the girls. My sister pulled herself together for her kids and Sam helped shoulder the load of planning Dad’s service.
But I had gone into autopilot. Just call me Robo-Riley, because my emotions had gone into hibernation. There was no room at the inn for feeling sad and sorry for myself. I had to pull up my big girl panties and help my family in the way only Riley Walker could.
Garrett had stayed for a few hours after we took my mom back to the house from the hospital. I had just gotten her to lie down and rest for a bit and had come out to find Garrett sitting on the back porch steps, looking out at the ocean. Gavin had gone home and Felicity had headed to a local hotel with her family to get settled and to try and take a nap.
Garrett looked up when the screen door slammed behind me and I gave him a shaky semblance of a smile as I joined him on the steps. It had been really cold and I tucked my hands under my legs to try and keep them warm.
Garrett’s hair had fallen in his face and I thought about tucking it behind his ear but I felt strange about touching him. I didn’t know what my problem was. All I knew was that everything had changed in the span of a few hours and I didn’t know how to fit this man into my new world order.
“I would ask how you were doing, but I know what a f**ked up question that is,” Garrett had said, his hands hanging limply between his knees.
“And I would have told you it’s a messed up question and to stop asking me shit that should be self-explanatory,” I lobbed back, smirking.
Garrett’s chuckle was soft and ended too soon. “It’s going to be hard. The next few months are going to be f**king miserable. But just try and take it one day at a time.”
“Seriously? That’s your sage advice? Take it one day at a time? What are you a walking, talking self-help book?” I asked him, my lips quirking into a tiny grin.
Garrett shrugged. “Sure, it’s cliché. But it’s the truth. Loss is loss and nothing will make it better but time.”
I had looked at Garrett while he spoke and had thought about his tattoo. Blessed are the hearts that can bend; for they shall never be broken.
I got it. I really did. Losing someone you love smashes you into smithereens. It alters you in a way that I couldn’t, in the deep throes of my grief, believe I’d ever move past. I understood why Garrett had shut himself off, tucked all those messy feelings away. And why being with me, a girl with a self-professed chip on her shoulder, probably scared him silly.
“Is that how you got by after your parents died?” I asked, not knowing whether I was treading on forbidden ground or not. But I figured given everything we had been through together in the last twenty-four hours I had earned the right to some personal information.
And there was something reassuring about talking to someone who had been through something equally painful. We were both card-carrying members of the dead parents club and it was a crappy club to belong to. But having him there, understanding on some level what I was experiencing, was oddly helpful.
Garrett glanced over at me before turning look out at the ocean again. “After my parents died I lost focus. I had planned to go to college, you know. I had been accepted to the University of Virginia. I wanted to be a doctor or some shit,” he revealed and I tried not to look as shocked as I was.
“Really?” I asked and cringed at how incredulous I sounded. Garrett picked up on it however and I saw his shoulders tense. Great, I had just insulted the guy who was being my biggest support right now. Way to go, Riley!
“Yeah, I wasn’t always a total waste of skin, Riley. I used to have the 4.0 GPA and full ride to school. I was Mr. Extracurricular Activities. But after my parents died none of it mattered anymore. I was too old to go to foster care; I had turned eighteen at the beginning of my senior year. So in the eyes of the state I was able to take care of myself, but I was still a f**king kid. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Sure, I had a house to live in and money from their life insurance policies to keep me fed and clothed, but I was a mess. Total and complete freedom paired with a huge dose of grief, it was no wonder I fell off the freaking planet. I was out of control. I completely lost it.”
Garrett took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving the breaking waves on the beach. I felt like such an ass for judging him for so long. I had spent the last few months thinking I was too good for the likes of Garrett Bellows. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could live a thousand years and never be the girl this amazing guy deserved. And that made me feel very, very small.
“If it hadn’t been for Jordan, and Mitch and Cole and being in the band, I would have joined my parents in the ground. And even though my life went in a direction I hadn’t planned, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m headed down the only road that I want to be on. And that works for me.” He pressed his lips together and turned his eyes to me and I could see a flinty resolve in them.
I didn’t know what to make of this. He was showing me a tiny piece of his life. Showing me something beyond the guy everyone else saw. Yet at the same time he seemed to be warning me that what you see is what you get. And it was up to me to accept it or not.
But I was in no condition to ponder that. I couldn’t think beyond getting through the next minute. The next hour. The next day. The pain that lived inside me was all consuming and made it hard to breathe.
“I still make mistakes. I’m still a huge f**k up in so many ways. I changed a lot the day I lost Mom and Dad. I’ll never be that guy I was before they died. Those goals, that future, it seems so insignificant now in the grand scheme of things. But it doesn’t change the fact that I lost myself and I don’t think I’ve yet to find him again,” Garrett said, looking sadder than I had ever seen him.
“Is that the deal with the parties and the girls and smoking pot? You’re trying to find yourself? Because to me, that seems like a poor way of going about it,” I snipped, realizing I sounded mean. But I felt irritated by his life choices.
Here was a guy who had the world at his feet. He clearly had a lot going for him once upon a time. But he allowed himself to be derailed. To lose his focus. He was still drifting at sea without a clue. It was frustrating to see his potential wasted in the way it was. I would never fall prey to my grief in a way that would make me lose sight of me. I owed it to my dad. I owed it to myself.
Garrett’s eyes flickered with anger. “Yeah, maybe it is. But it’s my life, Riley. And they’re my choices. And I’ll never be sorry for it,” he said defensively. I knew he was giving me a very strong warning.
I just wasn’t in the mood to hear it.
“I think that’s a coward’s excuse, Garrett. Don’t you want more for yourself than playing in a second rate band hoping you’ll ‘make it?’” I asked using air quotes just to be obnoxious. Garrett’s jaw tensed and I recognized the telltale signs of his rage.
“I don’t expect you to understand. And because you just lost your dad I won’t tell you what I really think of you and your ‘life plan.’” Damn it, he used air quotes back at me. “I’m sure it involves graduating from college, marrying a douche like that Damien guy, having a mid-level career, popping out your two point five kids, and convincing yourself you feel fulfilled.” He was getting himself worked up and I was feeling a whole lot of anger.
How it easy it was to focus on this, being self-righteous and holier than thou, than to think about the way my life had just upended on itself. Anger was better than depression any day of the week.
“You don’t know anything about my life or what I want from it! What do you know about goals and having a purpose? Huh? Am I supposed to sit here and take advice from a guy who doesn’t want anything more for himself than to screw a new girl every week and hoping he never runs out of pot? Really? Give me a break!”
Wow, I was on a roll and being completely unfair. Garrett’s face shattered a bit and then smoothed out.
“It’s a good thing my heart can bend,” he muttered under his breath.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him shortly, though I knew exactly what it meant.
He shook his head and got to his feet. “I don’t want to upset you when you’ve just experienced a major loss. Apparently all we’re capable of is pissing each other off. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I really didn’t. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now. I really do. And if you need anything, you know where to find me.”
He picked up my keys and juggled them in his hand, seeming torn. I couldn’t believe, after what we had shared together and how decent he had been to me, I was taking out all of my anger and hostility on him. I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could undo the hurt I knew I had inflicted.
But it was too late. And I felt whatever closeness we had established during the last twenty-four hours drifted away as though it had never been.
“I’ll leave your car at the apartment. Take care, Riley,” he had said before leaving me alone, and full of guilt.
After he was gone I was left with little time to obsess over Garrett and the state of our non-existent relationship.
The crazy whirlwind of planning the funeral and seeing to every detail was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me to focus on something. To keep my brain active. But it also left little room for my own grieving. And a part of me knew that suppressing it wasn’t good.
And that when it hit it would hit hard.
I had stayed with Mom until she practically kicked me out, telling me I had to get back to school. When I had protested and said she still needed me, she had played the biggest punk card of all.
“Your dad sacrificed a lot so you kids could have a college education. Don’t you dare step all over his memory like that. Now get your butt back to school and make him proud. Make us both proud,” she scolded me while she held back tears. I knew how hard it was for her to let me go. I hated to think of what the house would be like for her now that she would be living in it alone. But Gavin had practically moved back in since Dad’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. My brother seemed to be making my father’s death all about him, but for now, my mother seemed to enjoy his presence, so I didn’t say anything about it.
I went back to Rinard College, hoping to fall back into my routine. Too bad I felt like some as**ole playacting through their life.
But throwing myself back into school and my internship felt like what I should be doing. I put on the impenetrable “Riley is fine” mask. I had always been focused and motivated. Now I was like Riley Walker Super Student on meth. I filled my days with homework and extra hours at work. I did whatever I had to do to feel like my life had purpose again, just as my dad wanted me to.
And that purpose left very little room for any sort of relationship drama. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to worry about whether my avoiding Garrett was hurting his feelings. Maybe it was insensitive and callous of me after the way he had supported me, but I just couldn’t summon the energy to care.
I knew Garrett was most likely hurt and confused. Part of me knew that he was waiting for me to recognize that the moments we had shared in Maryland hadn’t been a fluke of hormones and grief. That it had been the beginnings of something real.
But the truth was I was terrified of “real.” I wasn’t sure what we had together could be something permanent and if I couldn’t count on it I didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I had seen the layers that were just below the surface of Garrett, I knew that he was still a guy without a plan and I desperately needed something concrete. Something I could depend on.
And I was convinced that Garrett Bellows wasn’t that guy.
Plus, it wasn’t as though we had left things in a very good place. I had unloaded a serious verbal beating on him when all he had been trying to do was help me during a difficult time. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t call me. Even if I was a little bit disappointed.
I figured he was leaving the ball firmly in my court. Though if he was waiting for me to make a move and admit he was what I wanted, he’d be waiting a long time.
Crazy cat lady spinsterhood, here I come.
“Someone’s hoping to make employee of the month,” an overly perky voice said from behind me. I continued to wipe down my meticulously clean tables, ignoring the sudden invasion of slut in my section of the restaurant.
Jaz pulled out a chair and plopped her big ass right on down as though I had invited her. Which I sure as hell didn’t. She propped her feet up on the table and she watched me with a fake sympathetic smile on her lips that had I was dangerously close to knocking off.
I had low bullshit tolerance on a good day. So Jaz my-tits-are-too-small-so-I-overcompensate-by-being-a-complete-whore was in a perfect position to piss me off. It didn’t take much for her to irritate me and tonight was no exception.
Generation Rejects had been playing for the last hour and I was staunchly avoiding the guitarist who had tried to get my attention for most of the night. It was hard, particularly when said guitarist was looking entirely too yummy for his own good and the image of the two of us na**d, together, was burned on my brain like an itchy sunburn.
I lifted Jaz’s feet off the table and dropped them on the floor. “Go bug someone else, Jaz. Cause I’m not playing,” I grumbled, giving my table one last swipe with the cloth and turned to go clock out.
“Wow, who pissed in your cornflakes? I was just making the observation that you seemed to be really into your work lately. I think it’s great you have your work to get you through such a difficult time. We all know you don’t handle your emotions well. I mean look what happened after Damien dumped you,” she said, dropping her voice in a feigned show of concern.
But I had gone into autopilot. Just call me Robo-Riley, because my emotions had gone into hibernation. There was no room at the inn for feeling sad and sorry for myself. I had to pull up my big girl panties and help my family in the way only Riley Walker could.
Garrett had stayed for a few hours after we took my mom back to the house from the hospital. I had just gotten her to lie down and rest for a bit and had come out to find Garrett sitting on the back porch steps, looking out at the ocean. Gavin had gone home and Felicity had headed to a local hotel with her family to get settled and to try and take a nap.
Garrett looked up when the screen door slammed behind me and I gave him a shaky semblance of a smile as I joined him on the steps. It had been really cold and I tucked my hands under my legs to try and keep them warm.
Garrett’s hair had fallen in his face and I thought about tucking it behind his ear but I felt strange about touching him. I didn’t know what my problem was. All I knew was that everything had changed in the span of a few hours and I didn’t know how to fit this man into my new world order.
“I would ask how you were doing, but I know what a f**ked up question that is,” Garrett had said, his hands hanging limply between his knees.
“And I would have told you it’s a messed up question and to stop asking me shit that should be self-explanatory,” I lobbed back, smirking.
Garrett’s chuckle was soft and ended too soon. “It’s going to be hard. The next few months are going to be f**king miserable. But just try and take it one day at a time.”
“Seriously? That’s your sage advice? Take it one day at a time? What are you a walking, talking self-help book?” I asked him, my lips quirking into a tiny grin.
Garrett shrugged. “Sure, it’s cliché. But it’s the truth. Loss is loss and nothing will make it better but time.”
I had looked at Garrett while he spoke and had thought about his tattoo. Blessed are the hearts that can bend; for they shall never be broken.
I got it. I really did. Losing someone you love smashes you into smithereens. It alters you in a way that I couldn’t, in the deep throes of my grief, believe I’d ever move past. I understood why Garrett had shut himself off, tucked all those messy feelings away. And why being with me, a girl with a self-professed chip on her shoulder, probably scared him silly.
“Is that how you got by after your parents died?” I asked, not knowing whether I was treading on forbidden ground or not. But I figured given everything we had been through together in the last twenty-four hours I had earned the right to some personal information.
And there was something reassuring about talking to someone who had been through something equally painful. We were both card-carrying members of the dead parents club and it was a crappy club to belong to. But having him there, understanding on some level what I was experiencing, was oddly helpful.
Garrett glanced over at me before turning look out at the ocean again. “After my parents died I lost focus. I had planned to go to college, you know. I had been accepted to the University of Virginia. I wanted to be a doctor or some shit,” he revealed and I tried not to look as shocked as I was.
“Really?” I asked and cringed at how incredulous I sounded. Garrett picked up on it however and I saw his shoulders tense. Great, I had just insulted the guy who was being my biggest support right now. Way to go, Riley!
“Yeah, I wasn’t always a total waste of skin, Riley. I used to have the 4.0 GPA and full ride to school. I was Mr. Extracurricular Activities. But after my parents died none of it mattered anymore. I was too old to go to foster care; I had turned eighteen at the beginning of my senior year. So in the eyes of the state I was able to take care of myself, but I was still a f**king kid. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Sure, I had a house to live in and money from their life insurance policies to keep me fed and clothed, but I was a mess. Total and complete freedom paired with a huge dose of grief, it was no wonder I fell off the freaking planet. I was out of control. I completely lost it.”
Garrett took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving the breaking waves on the beach. I felt like such an ass for judging him for so long. I had spent the last few months thinking I was too good for the likes of Garrett Bellows. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could live a thousand years and never be the girl this amazing guy deserved. And that made me feel very, very small.
“If it hadn’t been for Jordan, and Mitch and Cole and being in the band, I would have joined my parents in the ground. And even though my life went in a direction I hadn’t planned, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m headed down the only road that I want to be on. And that works for me.” He pressed his lips together and turned his eyes to me and I could see a flinty resolve in them.
I didn’t know what to make of this. He was showing me a tiny piece of his life. Showing me something beyond the guy everyone else saw. Yet at the same time he seemed to be warning me that what you see is what you get. And it was up to me to accept it or not.
But I was in no condition to ponder that. I couldn’t think beyond getting through the next minute. The next hour. The next day. The pain that lived inside me was all consuming and made it hard to breathe.
“I still make mistakes. I’m still a huge f**k up in so many ways. I changed a lot the day I lost Mom and Dad. I’ll never be that guy I was before they died. Those goals, that future, it seems so insignificant now in the grand scheme of things. But it doesn’t change the fact that I lost myself and I don’t think I’ve yet to find him again,” Garrett said, looking sadder than I had ever seen him.
“Is that the deal with the parties and the girls and smoking pot? You’re trying to find yourself? Because to me, that seems like a poor way of going about it,” I snipped, realizing I sounded mean. But I felt irritated by his life choices.
Here was a guy who had the world at his feet. He clearly had a lot going for him once upon a time. But he allowed himself to be derailed. To lose his focus. He was still drifting at sea without a clue. It was frustrating to see his potential wasted in the way it was. I would never fall prey to my grief in a way that would make me lose sight of me. I owed it to my dad. I owed it to myself.
Garrett’s eyes flickered with anger. “Yeah, maybe it is. But it’s my life, Riley. And they’re my choices. And I’ll never be sorry for it,” he said defensively. I knew he was giving me a very strong warning.
I just wasn’t in the mood to hear it.
“I think that’s a coward’s excuse, Garrett. Don’t you want more for yourself than playing in a second rate band hoping you’ll ‘make it?’” I asked using air quotes just to be obnoxious. Garrett’s jaw tensed and I recognized the telltale signs of his rage.
“I don’t expect you to understand. And because you just lost your dad I won’t tell you what I really think of you and your ‘life plan.’” Damn it, he used air quotes back at me. “I’m sure it involves graduating from college, marrying a douche like that Damien guy, having a mid-level career, popping out your two point five kids, and convincing yourself you feel fulfilled.” He was getting himself worked up and I was feeling a whole lot of anger.
How it easy it was to focus on this, being self-righteous and holier than thou, than to think about the way my life had just upended on itself. Anger was better than depression any day of the week.
“You don’t know anything about my life or what I want from it! What do you know about goals and having a purpose? Huh? Am I supposed to sit here and take advice from a guy who doesn’t want anything more for himself than to screw a new girl every week and hoping he never runs out of pot? Really? Give me a break!”
Wow, I was on a roll and being completely unfair. Garrett’s face shattered a bit and then smoothed out.
“It’s a good thing my heart can bend,” he muttered under his breath.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him shortly, though I knew exactly what it meant.
He shook his head and got to his feet. “I don’t want to upset you when you’ve just experienced a major loss. Apparently all we’re capable of is pissing each other off. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I really didn’t. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now. I really do. And if you need anything, you know where to find me.”
He picked up my keys and juggled them in his hand, seeming torn. I couldn’t believe, after what we had shared together and how decent he had been to me, I was taking out all of my anger and hostility on him. I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could undo the hurt I knew I had inflicted.
But it was too late. And I felt whatever closeness we had established during the last twenty-four hours drifted away as though it had never been.
“I’ll leave your car at the apartment. Take care, Riley,” he had said before leaving me alone, and full of guilt.
After he was gone I was left with little time to obsess over Garrett and the state of our non-existent relationship.
The crazy whirlwind of planning the funeral and seeing to every detail was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me to focus on something. To keep my brain active. But it also left little room for my own grieving. And a part of me knew that suppressing it wasn’t good.
And that when it hit it would hit hard.
I had stayed with Mom until she practically kicked me out, telling me I had to get back to school. When I had protested and said she still needed me, she had played the biggest punk card of all.
“Your dad sacrificed a lot so you kids could have a college education. Don’t you dare step all over his memory like that. Now get your butt back to school and make him proud. Make us both proud,” she scolded me while she held back tears. I knew how hard it was for her to let me go. I hated to think of what the house would be like for her now that she would be living in it alone. But Gavin had practically moved back in since Dad’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. My brother seemed to be making my father’s death all about him, but for now, my mother seemed to enjoy his presence, so I didn’t say anything about it.
I went back to Rinard College, hoping to fall back into my routine. Too bad I felt like some as**ole playacting through their life.
But throwing myself back into school and my internship felt like what I should be doing. I put on the impenetrable “Riley is fine” mask. I had always been focused and motivated. Now I was like Riley Walker Super Student on meth. I filled my days with homework and extra hours at work. I did whatever I had to do to feel like my life had purpose again, just as my dad wanted me to.
And that purpose left very little room for any sort of relationship drama. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to worry about whether my avoiding Garrett was hurting his feelings. Maybe it was insensitive and callous of me after the way he had supported me, but I just couldn’t summon the energy to care.
I knew Garrett was most likely hurt and confused. Part of me knew that he was waiting for me to recognize that the moments we had shared in Maryland hadn’t been a fluke of hormones and grief. That it had been the beginnings of something real.
But the truth was I was terrified of “real.” I wasn’t sure what we had together could be something permanent and if I couldn’t count on it I didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I had seen the layers that were just below the surface of Garrett, I knew that he was still a guy without a plan and I desperately needed something concrete. Something I could depend on.
And I was convinced that Garrett Bellows wasn’t that guy.
Plus, it wasn’t as though we had left things in a very good place. I had unloaded a serious verbal beating on him when all he had been trying to do was help me during a difficult time. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t call me. Even if I was a little bit disappointed.
I figured he was leaving the ball firmly in my court. Though if he was waiting for me to make a move and admit he was what I wanted, he’d be waiting a long time.
Crazy cat lady spinsterhood, here I come.
“Someone’s hoping to make employee of the month,” an overly perky voice said from behind me. I continued to wipe down my meticulously clean tables, ignoring the sudden invasion of slut in my section of the restaurant.
Jaz pulled out a chair and plopped her big ass right on down as though I had invited her. Which I sure as hell didn’t. She propped her feet up on the table and she watched me with a fake sympathetic smile on her lips that had I was dangerously close to knocking off.
I had low bullshit tolerance on a good day. So Jaz my-tits-are-too-small-so-I-overcompensate-by-being-a-complete-whore was in a perfect position to piss me off. It didn’t take much for her to irritate me and tonight was no exception.
Generation Rejects had been playing for the last hour and I was staunchly avoiding the guitarist who had tried to get my attention for most of the night. It was hard, particularly when said guitarist was looking entirely too yummy for his own good and the image of the two of us na**d, together, was burned on my brain like an itchy sunburn.
I lifted Jaz’s feet off the table and dropped them on the floor. “Go bug someone else, Jaz. Cause I’m not playing,” I grumbled, giving my table one last swipe with the cloth and turned to go clock out.
“Wow, who pissed in your cornflakes? I was just making the observation that you seemed to be really into your work lately. I think it’s great you have your work to get you through such a difficult time. We all know you don’t handle your emotions well. I mean look what happened after Damien dumped you,” she said, dropping her voice in a feigned show of concern.
