Perfect Regret
Page 20
“Riley, my God, Riley,” Garrett said over and over again as he pushed as deep into me as he could go.
My body pulsated with each stroke and I knew the second my body exploded around him that I was lost. Somehow, someway, Garrett Bellows had gotten underneath my skin. I wasn’t sure how to adjust to the new feeling of having him there.
“Look at me, please,” Garrett begged, kissing my mouth, but then pulling back so he could watch me as he came inside my body. His hand came up to caress my cheek, his thumb rubbing circles across my skin. His eyes never left mine as he surged forth one final time and I could feel him let go. I could feel his release, his total possession. His shoulders tensed and then he collapsed on top of me, his breath heavy on my neck.
“Don’t take this away again, Riley,” he said softly into the thick of my hair and all I could do was hold him as we came down from the high.
I wanted to promise him that I wouldn’t. That this was the start of something new, something great for the both of us. But I knew how easy it was to promise things before our realities changed it all. And despite how much I wanted to say those words, I promise, I knew I’d never be able to keep them.
So I stayed quiet and tried to ignore the disquiet that had taken root deep in my bones.
We weren’t even recovered from our post coital bliss when my phone started to ring. I untangled myself from Garrett to grab it. I saw that it was my mother and I instantly froze.
All of the warm, glowing fuzzies I had felt only moments earlier evaporated in an instant. “Hello?” I said after answering, cringing at how out of breath I sounded.
“Ri, hey, it’s Gavin,” my brother said into the phone. Why in the world was he calling me from Mom’s cell?
“Where’s Mom? What happened?” I asked, sitting up and covering myself with a sheet. Garrett sat upright beside me, taking my hand in his.
“She’s not doing too well right now. You need to get down here right away. It’s Dad,” Gavin broke off and I could hear his muffled sob and that made all the blood drain from my face.
I pulled away from Garrett and swung my legs over the side of the bed. With the phone still pressed to my ear, I bent down to retrieve my discarded clothing. Working one handed, I pulled my panties and jeans back on. My hands were trembling so badly, I dropped my shirt several times and finally Garrett took it from me and had me sit back down.
“What about Dad? Gavin just tell me what the hell happened!” I demanded, feeling the rising hysteria in the back of my throat.
“He was doing fine. His doctor’s were feeling confident that he would be okay. But then he had another heart attack,” my brother’s voice wobbled and I knew what was coming. I just knew that this phone call was to tell me I’d never see my father again.
“He’s gone, isn’t he,” I stated rather than asked.
Gavin was outright crying and I don’t think I had ever heard him sound so emotional about anything. He rarely became enthused or worked up. But I could hear him losing it over the phone and it was terrifying.
“He’s gone, Ri. He’s gone,” my brother cried.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked firmly, trying to get Gavin to focus. My face hardened and I felt my heart freeze over. I should be crying. I had been an emotional wreck for the last twenty-four hours. But now, when the worst had come, I found that I was like a block of stone.
“She’s back with him. She won’t leave his room. Fliss tried to get her to leave but she refused. You need to get down here,” Gavin said and I thought how ridiculous it was that me, the baby of the family, was always called on to make things right. That out of the three of us, I was by far the most levelheaded sibling.
Gavin, even though he had a respectable career as a teacher, still lived his life like a teenager, refusing to commit to his long-term girlfriend and still coming to mooch out of Mom and Dad’s pantry several times a week.
Felicity was married with kids but she still relied so much on Mom to help her make decisions in her life. She rarely did anything without running it past our parents first as though afraid to make a move without their approval.
Then there was me. I was off at college, determined to live my life on my own terms. I was the independent woman my mom and dad had raised me to be. So when shit hit the fan, I could be called on to find the reason when there didn’t seem to be any.
And that’s what my mother needed now. And clearly Felicity and Gavin weren’t going to give it. And as much as I loved and appreciated my siblings, in that moment I just felt irritated.
“I’m on my way. Just leave her be until I get there,” I directed my brother before hanging up. My brain was now in disaster recovery mode. I quickly put on my bra and shirt. I found my bag and pulled out my brush, running it through my hair. No sense going to the hospital, right after my father died, looking like I had just had my brains f**ked out.
God, what kind of person was I that while my dad was dying, I was screwing the guy who up until yesterday, I was determined had no place in my life? I was a stupid, selfish brat. And I hated myself for missing out on the chance to be with my father, one last time, and was instead getting na**d in their spare bedroom.
“Stop it, Riley,” Garrett said suddenly, pulling me out of my bleak thoughts. I looked up at him in a mixture of annoyance and confusion.
“Stop what?” I barked, knowing that I was once again taking my negative feelings out on him and he was absolutely the last person to deserve that. But I couldn’t stop the malice that poured out of me. I glared at him with scorn.
“You’re going to start blaming yourself. Hell, I can see you’re about to blame me as well.” I curled my lip at him in irritation.
Garrett gripped me by the arms and forced me to look at him. “But you can’t do that to yourself. You could do nothing to change what happened. And you can’t start regretting your choices now, it’ll drive you crazy,” he said firmly, giving me a little shake.
“And please, don’t say you regret us and what just happened. Not after everything,” his voice broke and I could only shake my head.
“I can’t do this right now, Garrett. Okay? I need to get to my family,” I bit out, pulling away from his grasp.
Garrett hurriedly buttoned up his shirt. “Then I’m going with you,” he said, leaving no room for argument.
“You don’t have to…” I started but Garrett cut me off by kissing me soundly on the mouth. I blinked up at him in surprise.
“I know I don’t have to. But I want to. Let me be there for you,” he said and I nodded, unable to find the words to answer him.
We walked out to the kitchen and it felt like a lifetime ago that Garrett had carried me back that same hallway. My life changed in that tiny, spare room but right now all I could see was the way everything had exploded. Just when I thought things were sorting themselves out the real world gave me the big ol’ middle finger.
I gave Garrett directions to the hospital but other than that we said very little to each other. Garrett seemed to recognize that I needed my space and I was lost in my own sad, little world. Garrett took my hand as we got into the elevators to take us to the fourth floor where the ICU was. His fingers laced through mine and I even in my shock I felt a small measure of happiness at having him there with me.
And then I hated myself some more for feeling happy at all. It felt wrong to garner joy from anything right now.
I dropped Garrett’s hand once we came to the ICU. Because the first thing I saw was my brother and sister huddled together, their faces red from crying. I was struck dumb for a moment. I didn’t know what to do.
Garrett fell behind me, allowing me to approach them by myself but with the knowledge that he was right behind me should I need him. “Fliss, Gavin,” I said quietly. They looked up at me and both got to their feet, enfolding me in their arms.
I wanted to cry so badly. I felt the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest but for some reason, I couldn’t. It was as though my tear ducts had stopped working.
“He’s gone, Ri. Dad’s gone!” Felicity wailed into my shoulder as she squeezed me tighter.
“I need to go to find Mom,” I murmured, pulling back slightly.
“She won’t leave him. The nurses and doctors have tried to get her to let go of his hand but she just sits there, staring at him, as though he’ll wake up at any minute. We told Dad’s doctor we had called you and you would handle Mom. You always know what to do,” Gavin said and not for the first time I wondered which of us was the older sibling.
“I’ll handle it,” I promised. Felicity and Gavin let me go and I looked over my shoulder at Garrett who still hung back, careful not to intrude.
“Guys, this is my friend, Garrett. He drove me up here last night,” I said by way of introduction. Felicity gave him a watery smile and Gavin barely acknowledged him at all. Garrett came to sit beside my sister and reached out to touch my hand before I left to help my mother.
“I’ll be here,” was all he said and for me, for right now, that’s exactly what I needed to hear.
“Mom,” I said softly into the quiet hospital room. My mom was bowed over, her forehead touching my dad’s hand. I couldn’t look at my father just yet. I needed to keep my shit together so I could deal with Mom.
I walked slowly around the foot of the bed and sank to my haunches beside her. I rested my hand on her shoulder and leaned in close, my cheek resting on her arm. “Mom, please look at me,” I whispered.
My mom didn’t turn her head; she stayed bent over my dead father’s hand as though she were praying. If my mother were a religious woman, I would have assumed that was what she was doing. But Mom and Dad didn’t subscribe to “orthodox religious ideals,” choosing the beach and the waves as their God and church.
Nope, I knew this was a woman who had lost the most important person in her life and was now crumbling in on herself.
I shook her shoulder a bit, hoping to snap her out of it. The doctors and nurses were hovering outside the door. I knew they needed to take Dad’s body away. There were things that needed to be done, decisions that had to be made. But, sympathetically they were waiting on Mom.
“Come on, let’s go. You need to sleep. Get something to eat. Let Fliss, Gavin and me take care of you,” I said urgently, trying to get a reaction out of her. Mom shook her head and pressed a kiss to the cold hand in her grasp.
“I can’t leave him,” she cried, followed by a strangled moan that made me shiver.
“Mom, please. Come with me,” I begged. I put my arms around my mother, holding her. Finally, she turned into me and buried her face into my shirt. She began to sob as though she were the child and I were the parent there to comfort her.
I didn’t know when I would be afforded he luxury of letting my emotions out like that, so for now, I bottled it in and took care of the woman who needed me.
Over her shoulder, I chanced a look at my father. It’s true what they say, that death looks like sleep. Aside from the white pallor of his skin, Dad looked as though he were napping. The tubes and wires were gone. The machines had been turned off. The covers on his bed were pulled up over his chest as though he were chilly.
It was creepy and a discomfort filled me, making me look away and turn my attention back to my grieving mother.
“Can we go home?” I asked her and then I waited. After what felt like forever, she got to her feet, wiped her face and then slowly lifted my dad’s hand to her lips. I turned away, feeling like an intruder on this last moment she would have with her husband. The last time she would feel his skin on hers. The last look at the face that had been her constant companion for over forty years.
I went to the doorway and waited and thought long and hard about what it meant to love someone to the point of losing yourself when they were gone. I hadn’t loved Damien like that. Even though I had been upset and put out when he dumped me, I could recognize now that it was more about my wounded pride and being made to feel like a fool than anything else.
Yes, I had loved him. Yes, he had been a part of my life for over a year so of course I had been attached. But I had gone on without him. I had bounced back.
What had grown between my mom and dad over the years went beyond a love I had ever experienced. And even though I knew my mother would go on with her life, she would never truly heal from losing my dad. A loss like that wasn’t something you could get over. Not really. You just learned to live through the pain.
It scared me to think of loving someone so much that to lose them would be to only half exist.
My mother followed me out to the waiting room and the first thing my eyes were drawn to was Garrett, looking at pictures on my sister’s phone. He seemed impassive as usual while Felicity prattled on about her daughters. He nodded and made comments but his face revealed nothing.
Gavin jumped to his feet and rushed over to Mom. Felicity looked up and was then right behind our brother, clamoring to get to our mother. Garrett stayed seated, his calm, mellow vibe a balm on my jangled nerves.
He didn’t approach me. He simply inclined his head in my direction and gave me a small smile. I didn’t return it. I didn’t know how to right then. But I inclined my head back before turning back to my family.
I stayed in Port David for almost two weeks. Dad’s funeral had been scheduled for a week after his passing. Then I stayed around to make sure Mom was settled and doing okay.
The funeral was tough, just as I knew it would be. If I could imagine a hell, watching my father be lowered into the ground had to be it. In the first few hours after Dad died, I wasn’t sure if Mom would be able to make it on her own. She had seemed so small, as though she had shrunk in on herself.
My body pulsated with each stroke and I knew the second my body exploded around him that I was lost. Somehow, someway, Garrett Bellows had gotten underneath my skin. I wasn’t sure how to adjust to the new feeling of having him there.
“Look at me, please,” Garrett begged, kissing my mouth, but then pulling back so he could watch me as he came inside my body. His hand came up to caress my cheek, his thumb rubbing circles across my skin. His eyes never left mine as he surged forth one final time and I could feel him let go. I could feel his release, his total possession. His shoulders tensed and then he collapsed on top of me, his breath heavy on my neck.
“Don’t take this away again, Riley,” he said softly into the thick of my hair and all I could do was hold him as we came down from the high.
I wanted to promise him that I wouldn’t. That this was the start of something new, something great for the both of us. But I knew how easy it was to promise things before our realities changed it all. And despite how much I wanted to say those words, I promise, I knew I’d never be able to keep them.
So I stayed quiet and tried to ignore the disquiet that had taken root deep in my bones.
We weren’t even recovered from our post coital bliss when my phone started to ring. I untangled myself from Garrett to grab it. I saw that it was my mother and I instantly froze.
All of the warm, glowing fuzzies I had felt only moments earlier evaporated in an instant. “Hello?” I said after answering, cringing at how out of breath I sounded.
“Ri, hey, it’s Gavin,” my brother said into the phone. Why in the world was he calling me from Mom’s cell?
“Where’s Mom? What happened?” I asked, sitting up and covering myself with a sheet. Garrett sat upright beside me, taking my hand in his.
“She’s not doing too well right now. You need to get down here right away. It’s Dad,” Gavin broke off and I could hear his muffled sob and that made all the blood drain from my face.
I pulled away from Garrett and swung my legs over the side of the bed. With the phone still pressed to my ear, I bent down to retrieve my discarded clothing. Working one handed, I pulled my panties and jeans back on. My hands were trembling so badly, I dropped my shirt several times and finally Garrett took it from me and had me sit back down.
“What about Dad? Gavin just tell me what the hell happened!” I demanded, feeling the rising hysteria in the back of my throat.
“He was doing fine. His doctor’s were feeling confident that he would be okay. But then he had another heart attack,” my brother’s voice wobbled and I knew what was coming. I just knew that this phone call was to tell me I’d never see my father again.
“He’s gone, isn’t he,” I stated rather than asked.
Gavin was outright crying and I don’t think I had ever heard him sound so emotional about anything. He rarely became enthused or worked up. But I could hear him losing it over the phone and it was terrifying.
“He’s gone, Ri. He’s gone,” my brother cried.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked firmly, trying to get Gavin to focus. My face hardened and I felt my heart freeze over. I should be crying. I had been an emotional wreck for the last twenty-four hours. But now, when the worst had come, I found that I was like a block of stone.
“She’s back with him. She won’t leave his room. Fliss tried to get her to leave but she refused. You need to get down here,” Gavin said and I thought how ridiculous it was that me, the baby of the family, was always called on to make things right. That out of the three of us, I was by far the most levelheaded sibling.
Gavin, even though he had a respectable career as a teacher, still lived his life like a teenager, refusing to commit to his long-term girlfriend and still coming to mooch out of Mom and Dad’s pantry several times a week.
Felicity was married with kids but she still relied so much on Mom to help her make decisions in her life. She rarely did anything without running it past our parents first as though afraid to make a move without their approval.
Then there was me. I was off at college, determined to live my life on my own terms. I was the independent woman my mom and dad had raised me to be. So when shit hit the fan, I could be called on to find the reason when there didn’t seem to be any.
And that’s what my mother needed now. And clearly Felicity and Gavin weren’t going to give it. And as much as I loved and appreciated my siblings, in that moment I just felt irritated.
“I’m on my way. Just leave her be until I get there,” I directed my brother before hanging up. My brain was now in disaster recovery mode. I quickly put on my bra and shirt. I found my bag and pulled out my brush, running it through my hair. No sense going to the hospital, right after my father died, looking like I had just had my brains f**ked out.
God, what kind of person was I that while my dad was dying, I was screwing the guy who up until yesterday, I was determined had no place in my life? I was a stupid, selfish brat. And I hated myself for missing out on the chance to be with my father, one last time, and was instead getting na**d in their spare bedroom.
“Stop it, Riley,” Garrett said suddenly, pulling me out of my bleak thoughts. I looked up at him in a mixture of annoyance and confusion.
“Stop what?” I barked, knowing that I was once again taking my negative feelings out on him and he was absolutely the last person to deserve that. But I couldn’t stop the malice that poured out of me. I glared at him with scorn.
“You’re going to start blaming yourself. Hell, I can see you’re about to blame me as well.” I curled my lip at him in irritation.
Garrett gripped me by the arms and forced me to look at him. “But you can’t do that to yourself. You could do nothing to change what happened. And you can’t start regretting your choices now, it’ll drive you crazy,” he said firmly, giving me a little shake.
“And please, don’t say you regret us and what just happened. Not after everything,” his voice broke and I could only shake my head.
“I can’t do this right now, Garrett. Okay? I need to get to my family,” I bit out, pulling away from his grasp.
Garrett hurriedly buttoned up his shirt. “Then I’m going with you,” he said, leaving no room for argument.
“You don’t have to…” I started but Garrett cut me off by kissing me soundly on the mouth. I blinked up at him in surprise.
“I know I don’t have to. But I want to. Let me be there for you,” he said and I nodded, unable to find the words to answer him.
We walked out to the kitchen and it felt like a lifetime ago that Garrett had carried me back that same hallway. My life changed in that tiny, spare room but right now all I could see was the way everything had exploded. Just when I thought things were sorting themselves out the real world gave me the big ol’ middle finger.
I gave Garrett directions to the hospital but other than that we said very little to each other. Garrett seemed to recognize that I needed my space and I was lost in my own sad, little world. Garrett took my hand as we got into the elevators to take us to the fourth floor where the ICU was. His fingers laced through mine and I even in my shock I felt a small measure of happiness at having him there with me.
And then I hated myself some more for feeling happy at all. It felt wrong to garner joy from anything right now.
I dropped Garrett’s hand once we came to the ICU. Because the first thing I saw was my brother and sister huddled together, their faces red from crying. I was struck dumb for a moment. I didn’t know what to do.
Garrett fell behind me, allowing me to approach them by myself but with the knowledge that he was right behind me should I need him. “Fliss, Gavin,” I said quietly. They looked up at me and both got to their feet, enfolding me in their arms.
I wanted to cry so badly. I felt the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest but for some reason, I couldn’t. It was as though my tear ducts had stopped working.
“He’s gone, Ri. Dad’s gone!” Felicity wailed into my shoulder as she squeezed me tighter.
“I need to go to find Mom,” I murmured, pulling back slightly.
“She won’t leave him. The nurses and doctors have tried to get her to let go of his hand but she just sits there, staring at him, as though he’ll wake up at any minute. We told Dad’s doctor we had called you and you would handle Mom. You always know what to do,” Gavin said and not for the first time I wondered which of us was the older sibling.
“I’ll handle it,” I promised. Felicity and Gavin let me go and I looked over my shoulder at Garrett who still hung back, careful not to intrude.
“Guys, this is my friend, Garrett. He drove me up here last night,” I said by way of introduction. Felicity gave him a watery smile and Gavin barely acknowledged him at all. Garrett came to sit beside my sister and reached out to touch my hand before I left to help my mother.
“I’ll be here,” was all he said and for me, for right now, that’s exactly what I needed to hear.
“Mom,” I said softly into the quiet hospital room. My mom was bowed over, her forehead touching my dad’s hand. I couldn’t look at my father just yet. I needed to keep my shit together so I could deal with Mom.
I walked slowly around the foot of the bed and sank to my haunches beside her. I rested my hand on her shoulder and leaned in close, my cheek resting on her arm. “Mom, please look at me,” I whispered.
My mom didn’t turn her head; she stayed bent over my dead father’s hand as though she were praying. If my mother were a religious woman, I would have assumed that was what she was doing. But Mom and Dad didn’t subscribe to “orthodox religious ideals,” choosing the beach and the waves as their God and church.
Nope, I knew this was a woman who had lost the most important person in her life and was now crumbling in on herself.
I shook her shoulder a bit, hoping to snap her out of it. The doctors and nurses were hovering outside the door. I knew they needed to take Dad’s body away. There were things that needed to be done, decisions that had to be made. But, sympathetically they were waiting on Mom.
“Come on, let’s go. You need to sleep. Get something to eat. Let Fliss, Gavin and me take care of you,” I said urgently, trying to get a reaction out of her. Mom shook her head and pressed a kiss to the cold hand in her grasp.
“I can’t leave him,” she cried, followed by a strangled moan that made me shiver.
“Mom, please. Come with me,” I begged. I put my arms around my mother, holding her. Finally, she turned into me and buried her face into my shirt. She began to sob as though she were the child and I were the parent there to comfort her.
I didn’t know when I would be afforded he luxury of letting my emotions out like that, so for now, I bottled it in and took care of the woman who needed me.
Over her shoulder, I chanced a look at my father. It’s true what they say, that death looks like sleep. Aside from the white pallor of his skin, Dad looked as though he were napping. The tubes and wires were gone. The machines had been turned off. The covers on his bed were pulled up over his chest as though he were chilly.
It was creepy and a discomfort filled me, making me look away and turn my attention back to my grieving mother.
“Can we go home?” I asked her and then I waited. After what felt like forever, she got to her feet, wiped her face and then slowly lifted my dad’s hand to her lips. I turned away, feeling like an intruder on this last moment she would have with her husband. The last time she would feel his skin on hers. The last look at the face that had been her constant companion for over forty years.
I went to the doorway and waited and thought long and hard about what it meant to love someone to the point of losing yourself when they were gone. I hadn’t loved Damien like that. Even though I had been upset and put out when he dumped me, I could recognize now that it was more about my wounded pride and being made to feel like a fool than anything else.
Yes, I had loved him. Yes, he had been a part of my life for over a year so of course I had been attached. But I had gone on without him. I had bounced back.
What had grown between my mom and dad over the years went beyond a love I had ever experienced. And even though I knew my mother would go on with her life, she would never truly heal from losing my dad. A loss like that wasn’t something you could get over. Not really. You just learned to live through the pain.
It scared me to think of loving someone so much that to lose them would be to only half exist.
My mother followed me out to the waiting room and the first thing my eyes were drawn to was Garrett, looking at pictures on my sister’s phone. He seemed impassive as usual while Felicity prattled on about her daughters. He nodded and made comments but his face revealed nothing.
Gavin jumped to his feet and rushed over to Mom. Felicity looked up and was then right behind our brother, clamoring to get to our mother. Garrett stayed seated, his calm, mellow vibe a balm on my jangled nerves.
He didn’t approach me. He simply inclined his head in my direction and gave me a small smile. I didn’t return it. I didn’t know how to right then. But I inclined my head back before turning back to my family.
I stayed in Port David for almost two weeks. Dad’s funeral had been scheduled for a week after his passing. Then I stayed around to make sure Mom was settled and doing okay.
The funeral was tough, just as I knew it would be. If I could imagine a hell, watching my father be lowered into the ground had to be it. In the first few hours after Dad died, I wasn’t sure if Mom would be able to make it on her own. She had seemed so small, as though she had shrunk in on herself.
