Pretend

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Gavin’s chest felt like it expanded. Like it fucking grew, because this was the first time that anyone acknowledged that fact, that whatever he felt for another man could be love. “Yes.”
The tears were rolling down his face now. It was the first time in his life that he’d ever seen his father cry. Damned if it didn’t cause a lump to form in Gavin’s throat.
“Everything…like I said, everything else feels so much easier right now. I couldn’t see that when I was healthy. I don’t know what it means for you to be gay, son. I’ve always believed one thing, and it hurts to fear for you, that I won’t be reunited with you one day, but I can say, knowing that I’m losing who I am…did we do that to you? Try to take away who you are?”
They had, but in this moment, it all wiped away. “It doesn’t matter.”
Gavin stood, leaned over the bed and hugged his father while the man cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, over and over. Maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he would forget this conversation tomorrow. But Gavin chose not to focus on that. He was taking this moment, and this would be the one he held on to. Nothing else mattered. This is who Gavin was and would always be. He was proud of that. And right now, he thought maybe his father was, as well.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Mason stared at the woman sitting across from him. Her eyes were the same shape as his. The same shade of green. Damned if he didn’t have her smile, too. “I didn’t come here because I want you to be my mother. I have one.”
She nodded. “I know that. I would never expect anything different. I’m glad you’re here, though.”
They’d spoken for an hour. Not about anything of importance. The restaurant, and how she went back to school recently. They made sure to skip over the hard parts, but they couldn’t do that forever. Hell, Mason didn’t want to.
“They loved me. They treated me well.”
“I knew they would. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
Then why couldn’t you do it? But then, did he want that? He fought an internal war with himself. He wished she’d wanted him enough to get clean for him, to be his mother, but he also didn’t want to change the parents he had. The ones who had always loved him, and who would do anything for him.
“I’m sure that’s hard for you to understand. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe at this point it’s too late, but I want you to know, I love you. I always have. I…I wasn’t in the place where I could be the mother you deserved. They were able to give you things I never would have been able to. That’s a selfish answer in a lot of ways. I should have made myself be the person you deserved, but I didn’t, and there’s no going back. It was never you, though. It was all my fault. Always. And I have always loved you, Mason.”
Christ, it was almost as though those words lifted the weight off his chest. The question in his head that hadn’t stopped in the months since he found out.
“I went to see you once. Did your mom tell you that? I wanted you back. She didn’t know that, of course, but I wanted you, and then… God, you were happy. Such a smart, well-adjusted, happy kid, and she loved you with all her heart. She loved you the way I did, only she had the courage to be the mother you deserved, when I didn’t. I knew I could never fight for you. You were where you belonged, and I missed out in this beautiful, smart, sweet little boy. I will always regret that.”
It’s incredible how much a person needs to feel wanted. Mason didn’t like that about himself, that need, that he’d desired to hear those words from her, but it was true. “Thank you…thank you for doing what was best for me.”
She didn’t cry, and he didn’t, either. Did he get that from her? He wondered. The fact that he could feel but he still never cried.
“Can I ask questions about you? Your life? Are you married, or do you have children?”
“No, not married. I have someone I care about, though. He’s in Blackcreek. Things are…complicated at the moment, though.”
His mom—no, he couldn’t call her that—Cherise laughed. “Oh, I recognize the sound of that. Why do things get complicated so easily?”
Mason shrugged. “It was probably my fault. I wanted to do the right thing. I think I did. I’m still not sure, though.”
“I think that’s part of life. We never really know if the decisions we’re making are right or wrong. If we’re making them for the right reasons or not. There’s only so much you can do. Trust yourself, follow your heart and your gut, and hope for the best. There’s nothing more any of us can do than that.”