Pretend

Page 69

He still carried the piece of paper with him that his mother had given him. A name and address in his wallet. He needed to see her as well, but one thing at a time. Alexander’s deserved his attention right now, and that’s what Mason gave everything to.
The same way his father had.
***
Gavin sat in the room with his dad while he slept. His mom was busy at her church today, and Gavin had felt the urge to visit with his father. It still wasn’t something he did as much as he should. It hurt to look at him. To know that he was slowly losing himself and that he would probably die not remembering who Gavin was—and if he did, being disappointed in that person.
He wasn’t an idiot. Even if his father remembered one day, that didn’t mean he would the next, but damn he wanted to talk to him. To tell his father who he was, and for him to at least once be okay with who that person was.
“Gavin?” His voice sounded harsh; not angry, but dry and almost like a hack.
Thank you, he wanted to say. Today, his father remembered his name. “Yes, it’s me, Dad. Here, let me get your some water.”
He filled a cup for his father and then set it in his shaky hand. He struggled slightly to keep from spilling the drink, but Gavin held off. No man wanted to need help taking a drink of water.
“What are you doing here today?” He handed Gavin the cup.
“Coming to see you.”
“Good. That’s good. I miss you. I don’t see you enough…I don’t think.”
The pain in his dad’s voice made his chest hurt. He couldn’t imagine losing his mind that way, those moments when he realized what was happening to him.
“I know. I need to get out here more. I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. I’m sure you’re busy with work and everything.”
He could easily lie. Today, his father obviously didn’t realize it was summer. Gavin couldn’t do that. Not this time. “Not at the moment. I’m between jobs right now. I am getting my Colorado license, though. There’s a possibility I might have a new job at the beginning of the year, if I want it. I still haven’t decided.”
His father’s forehead wrinkled. “Why wouldn’t you want it?” And then, “You like it, don’t you? Teaching. You were always so good. We knew you would be, but…do you like it? I’ve always wondered that but I never let myself ask.”
Because he’d feared the answer, and maybe because he needed that to feel proud of Gavin. The knowledge hurt, but there was nothing he could do about that.
“I do. I miss it. There’s something special about introducing music to children. I just… I let it rule my life before. I guess I don’t want that to happen again.”
His dad laughed, then went into a coughing fit before saying, “Then don’t let it.”
He hadn’t expected those words at all. “It’s not that easy.”
“It’s not?” At first he sounded confused, but then Gavin realized he wasn’t. “I’m losing my mind, son. Some days I don’t know who you are or who my wife is. Hell, sometimes I don’t know who I am. When I do, the rest of it seems pretty simple.”
Gavin caught his father’s eyes, trying to see the knowledge there. If there was more to what he just said, or if Gavin just wanted there to be. His first instinct was to wait, to feel him out and see what he said. The last thing he wanted was to hurt his family. For his father to get agitated because of something Gavin said. But damn, he wanted this moment. This moment between them to be honest and binding. Who knew how many more they might have.
“I guess you’re right. It doesn’t always feel that way, though. My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks back. It made sense at the time, but when you say that, say that things should be easy, it makes me wonder if maybe we didn’t give up too soon.”
His dad was so quiet for so long, Gavin wasn’t sure he would answer. When he did his voice shook. His eyes were wet. “Is it that same boy?”
Braden. He meant Braden.
“No, Dad. We ended things years ago.” Gavin couldn’t breathe, the air trapped in his chest as he waited.
“Do you love him? The other man?”
That was an easy question. Gavin nodded. “I do.”
“I always loved your mother. So much it hurt.”
Slowly, Gavin reached over and grabbed his father’s hand. “I know, Dad.”
“It was never a thought, never a conscious decision I made to love her. It just happened.” He paused, then added, “Was it like that for you?”