Pushing the Limits

Page 49

Aires would have moved heaven and earth for this baby, just like he had moved heaven and earth for me.
I’d thought repairing Aires’ car was going to fix my life. I’d thought the same thing about recovering my memory. But neither of those things fulfilled the magical hope I’d clung to—that somehow my life would rewind to three years before.
Alexander shifted in my arms. God, he was so small, and from the giddy looks on my father’s and Ashley’s faces, they already worshipped him. We all started off this way—small little bundles of joy. Me, Aires, Noah, Lila, Isaiah and even Beth. At some point, someone held and loved us, but somewhere along the way, it all got screwed up.
Not for this baby though—not for Alexander. Over the past few weeks, I’d learned several harsh lessons about myself. The most devastating? That I was selfish like my mom. Like her, I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colors and shades I knew existed. And not only that, I’d chosen to see the world through her eyes instead of my own.
But not anymore. I could do more than rebuild a car to honor Aires. I could become the sibling he would have wanted me to be. Alexander would never face this world alone. He’d have an advocate—he’d have me. “Alexander Aires. I like it.”
Ashley let out a relieved breath and glanced at my father with a smile on her face. “I’m happy you’re here, Echo.”
Oddly enough … “Me, too.”
A nurse walked in with a rolling bassinet. “Sorry to intrude, but I’m here to take little Alexander to be weighed.” She expertly took Alexander from me and placed him in the bed. “And someone will be in to examine you, Mrs. Emerson.”
“He’ll want to eat soon, so don’t keep him long.” Ashley grasped my father’s hand and her blue eyes became worried.
“We’ll bring him right back,” the nurse assured her.
We watched him roll away. My father slid to the edge of the bed. “How are you?”
“Good.” For having a slight mental breakdown and remembering that my mom had tried that murder-suicide thing with me. “They released me.”
“Already? The doctors and nurses have been keeping me updated, but they told me you wouldn’t be released until two. I planned on being there to take you home.” He checked his watch. Sure enough, it was only one-thirty. “I promise I sat with you.”
“I know. Noah told me.”
My father exchanged a perplexed glance with Ashley. “Are you and Noah back together?”
Heat burned my cheeks at the thought of the way he kissed me in the hospital room. “Yeah.”
“He stayed with you, Echo. All night.” He stared down at his shoes as he spoke and I heard the heavy hint of regret. Noah stayed with me—he didn’t.
My mother’s words chose that moment to echo in my head. “You and I share the same skin.” No, Mom, we don’t. I share Aires’ skin. I’m going to do better than you.
Every few seconds Ashley’s face flickered between worry and hope. I’d loved her once. My mother reminded me of that. There was a time as a child I possibly could have called her Mom without feeling a twinge of regret. Yes, things happened. A marriage failed and a family fell apart, but Ashley … Ashley wasn’t evil. “I’m sorry, Ashley.”
Her forehead furrowed. “For what?”
I forced myself to look at her. “For always blaming you.” Ashley’s eyes watered. I swallowed my pride and continued, “My mom isn’t who I thought she was, so maybe you’re not the person I’ve made you out to be either.”
At first, I meant the apology as a truce in order to start fresh with Alexander, but as I said the words, my heart became lighter. I really was sorry and forgiveness felt … enlightening.
Ashley placed a hand over her heart while the tears streamed down. “I’m sorry, too. So sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Never. Sometimes I say things and the words just fall out, and I can see by the look on your face that I said it wrong. But you have to know—I have always loved you. I’ll do better, Echo. I promise.”
I glanced at my bouncing foot. Guilt ate at me. She wanted a clean slate. If we were starting off on a new foot, we needed to begin with honesty. “And I’m going to really try with you. Not fake try. Really try.”
Ashley smiled through her tears and nodded, accepting my treaty.
“Mrs. Emerson, I’m here to examine you,” said a nurse in purple scrubs. “Would the two of you mind stepping out?”
My father stood. “No problem.”
The appropriate thing to do would be to hug her. Yeah … I should. But I couldn’t. I’d save that for when I really felt it. Repairing my relationship with Ashley was going to require baby steps. I held my hand out to her and she squeezed it.
“I’ll see you at home,” she said.
“Okay.”
Almost shocking the red out of my hair, my father placed an arm around my shoulder and escorted me out of the room. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”
A floor-to-ceiling window ended the hall next to Ashley’s room. My father closed the door behind him and the two of us looked out on the busy parking lot. Do you realize that you haven’t touched me like this in years? “No.”
He pulled me closer to him and kept his eyes locked on the outside world. “I love you more than you could ever know.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered. “I wish …” That Aires had never died. That my mother wasn’t so selfish. “I wish things didn’t have to be so difficult between us.”
“I didn’t know how to talk to you, Echo. Not that I ever did before, but after what happened with your mother … I had a hard time facing you. Every time I looked at you, I saw how I failed—and how could I ask for your forgiveness if you didn’t even remember what I did?”
“What happened?” I glanced up to him. “On your side?”
The gray that shadowed his face made him appear way older than a man in his forties. “Fifteen minutes. That’s how long your message sat in voice mail. I called 911 as soon as I heard the panic in your voice. I begged them to check on you and your mother. Ashley and I left immediately, but I knew we wouldn’t be fast enough.
“If only I’d answered my phone when you called, I would have told you to lock yourself in the bathroom. You never would have fallen through that glass. If I’d checked my voice mail earlier, you would have been conscious when EMS found you.” He closed his eyes. Pure torture weighed his features. “You almost died.”
I pressed my face into his chest and squeezed him tighter. “I’m alive, Daddy.” And say it, Echo. “And it’s okay. I don’t blame you.”
My father hugged me back as he whispered, over and over, “I’m so sorry.”
I turned my head, listening to his heart as I looked out the window. Just like always, the world continued. People left and entered the hospital. Cars scurried to their destination points. And as glad as I was to have gotten through to my father, I knew my destination wasn’t here.
“You know those times I left town to sell my paintings?” I pulled back, but my father kept his arm around me even as he turned his head and glanced away. The quiet, painful recognition that he’d lost control of me several weeks ago was still evident on his face.
“Yes.”
How exactly should I explain this? “I slept through the night while I was gone.”
“Echo, that’s great!”
And he didn’t understand. “It made me realize I need to find a space of my own. When I graduate from high school, I’m moving out.”
It had to be said, but I regretted the heaviness that returned to my father. He rubbed my shoulder. “I know I’ve made mistakes. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve sat up and watched those brief precious hours that you actually slept and wondered how I could make all of your problems disappear. I know it wasn’t good enough, but I did the best I could by you. No matter how hard I tried, I could never find a way to fix you.”
The image in my head made sense. I was a broken vase and my father’s tight reign was the glue. He thought if he pressed hard enough, I’d go back to normal.
“You really tried with Mom, didn’t you?” My conversation with her had made me rethink everything she raised me to believe.
His tone grew hoarse. “I loved her, Echo. She was that someone that tilted my universe. But I loved you and Aires more. I tried everything possible to minimize the effects of her behavior on the two of you. I became what they call an enabler until I finally realized that the only person who could help your mother was herself.”
My father wiped at his face and I pretended that maybe he had dust on it. “I came home one night and found you and Aires in your bedroom closet, hiding from her. It wasn’t the first time, but I swore to myself it would be the last. I couldn’t change your mom, but I could take care of the two of you. I hired Ashley full-time and told your mother that if she didn’t get it together I’d file for divorce.
“You were too young to remember, but your mother did try and there were periods where she stayed on her medication and did fine. When she got really bad, I’d admit her to a psychiatric hospital. The cycle never ended. From good to okay, from okay to bad, from bad to the hospital and then back to good. One night I came home from visiting her at the hospital and I found Ashley reading to you in your room. You sat on her lap, played with her hair and looked at her like she hung the moon. She helped Aires with his science project and recorded his basketball game. She even cooked you guys dinner and warmed me up leftovers.
“Ashley brought a sense of normal into a house where normal was hard to come by. I swear, Echo, neither of us meant to fall in love. Sometimes life happens.”
Maybe my father and I were more alike than I’d ever imagined. We both craved normal. Nerves swelled inside. “Am I like Mom?”
He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Is this a trick question?”
My eyes pleaded, hoping he wouldn’t make me spell it out. He rubbed my shoulder again. “You have her beauty, her artistic talent and her tenacity if that’s what you mean.”
Was he saying I was stubborn? Wait until he got to know Noah. “Anything else?”
“Your mother never would have uttered to anyone those words you just said to Ashley … or to me. You’re your own person, Echo, and I’m proud to be your father.”
The nerves went away and I rested my head on him. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“Give me another chance. I promise to let you run your own life. Anyhow, I think Ashley is going to be overwhelmed with Alexander. She didn’t start babysitting you until well after you were potty-trained.”
What a crazy, crazy world I lived in. My teenage babysitter, turned nanny, turned stepmother, had given birth to my new brother. I wanted so badly to give my dad the answer he wanted and make him happy, but then I wouldn’t be true to the person I was beginning to believe I was. “Honestly, Daddy, it has nothing to do with chances. That house is full of memories. Some of them are wonderful and some … aren’t. I spent years hoping and praying and plotting for a life I never really had to begin with. I’m scared if I stay, I’ll keep looking back and never look forward.”