Reclaiming the Sand
Page 87
“It doesn’t make any sense. If you were my friend, you wouldn’t have called me names. You wouldn’t have laughed when Dania and Stu hit me and teased me. If you liked me, you should have stuck up for me. That’s what people who care do.”
His black and white description hurt. But only because it was the truth. And I hated that he believed I hadn’t cared for him at all. I wish I could make him see how much I truly did care, even if it hadn’t looked like it. I had been a screwed up girl back then. I was still screwed up. I was just better able to analyze myself than I had been when I was younger. And I wasn’t explaining myself very well at all.
“We were friends, Flynn. I was just weak. And I thought it was easier to go along with Dania and Stu and Shane then to stand up to them. I didn’t want them to think I was a loser.”
“And you would have been a loser if you were friends with me,” Flynn stated and I winced.
“No, I was the loser, Flynn. I was the stupid one. Not you. You were my friend and I treated you like garbage.” My self-loathing dripped out of me. I couldn’t contain it.
I took another deep breath and carried on before I lost my nerve. “And I was mad all the time. I was mad at myself for treating you like that and then I’d get mad at you because you made me care about being mean to you in the first place. I stupidly thought it would be easier if I could turn off my feelings and forget you ever existed. Dania and Stu were getting suspicious of our relationship. They were teasing me all the time. They told everyone I was a freak lover. People were laughing at me. No one would talk to me. And it was only getting worse. And that made me even angrier. At you. Because in my mind, none of it would have happened if you hadn’t moved to Wellsburg. If I hadn’t been drawn to you. In my head, it was all your fault.”
I chanced a look at Flynn and I couldn’t see him very well in the inky blackness. Only his nose and chin were visible in the streetlight. He wasn’t moving. I could barely tell if he was breathing.
I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to hold him and make this horrible confession easier for me to stomach.
But I didn’t deserve easier. I deserved for it to be painful and difficult and for it to scrape me raw.
“And I knew the only way to get rid of you, to get rid of these feelings I had for you, was to treat you like everyone else did. I wanted to show Dania and Stu and the rest of them that I didn’t care about you. I wanted to convince myself that you didn’t matter. So I told Stu and Dania to come with me one night out to your house.”
I felt my nausea rise in my throat. I thought I was going to be sick.
“We had been drinking and Stu brought a box of fireworks. I suggested we light a couple and throw them into your yard. I wanted to scare you. Because you hate loud noises.”
Flynn had to know where this was going. I wish he would say something. But he remained resolutely quiet. Not giving any indication that he was even hearing me. But I could see that he was still awake and he was still watching me.
So I kept going.
“We crept up your yard and hid behind one of your outbuildings. Dania, Stu, and I each took a firecracker and lit it and then we threw them toward your house. I realized instantly that we had made a horrible mistake. Stu’s had gone out once it hit the wet grass. Dania’s hit the side of your house and made a pop before it died. But mine…well mine rolled into the open window leading into your basement. I saw it go off and the next thing I knew flames and smoke were everywhere. There was a huge bang. I heard something explode in your house and then I was running. Dania and Stu were screaming at me to get the hell out of there. They kept going, through the woods, and back toward the road, where Stu had parked his car. But I couldn’t leave. I wanted to help you. I really did. But I didn’t know what to do. The fire was spreading so fast. And then the fire department and the police showed up so I hid in the trees.”
That night, six years ago, came flooding back, debilitating me. I remembered watching from the trees as I saw Flynn and his mother rush out into the yard. I had been so relieved that they had made it out and then the strangest thing had happened. I had become angry. Rage coursed through my body as I watched his house smolder and burn.
Because I had f**ked up. I had ruined my life. And for what? And for who?
It was because of Flynn. I had allowed my irrational emotions to be ruled by a boy who didn’t understand the devastation he had created just by caring about me.
And when the police found me hiding in the woods and questioned what I was doing there, my stupid mouth started running away from me before I could stop it.
After that, life as I knew it had been over.
All because I had something to prove. Because I wanted to forget how much I had cared about Flynn Hendrick.
So I had started hating him. It had been easier than remembering how much I loved him.
Because I had loved him. Even then.
“I was the one who set fire to your house and killed Marty. It was me, Flynn. I ruined your life. I ruined my life. It’s all my fault.” My chest was heaving up and down and I was having a hard time catching my breath. Now that the truth was out there I expected to feel better.
I didn’t.
Because Flynn wasn’t saying anything.
He continued to lay there, with his hand beneath his cheek, regarding me with steady, unreadable eyes.
I couldn’t look at him any more, so I got up out of bed and went to close the sliding door. I looked out at the beach where we had walked only hours before. I had ruined everything.
His black and white description hurt. But only because it was the truth. And I hated that he believed I hadn’t cared for him at all. I wish I could make him see how much I truly did care, even if it hadn’t looked like it. I had been a screwed up girl back then. I was still screwed up. I was just better able to analyze myself than I had been when I was younger. And I wasn’t explaining myself very well at all.
“We were friends, Flynn. I was just weak. And I thought it was easier to go along with Dania and Stu and Shane then to stand up to them. I didn’t want them to think I was a loser.”
“And you would have been a loser if you were friends with me,” Flynn stated and I winced.
“No, I was the loser, Flynn. I was the stupid one. Not you. You were my friend and I treated you like garbage.” My self-loathing dripped out of me. I couldn’t contain it.
I took another deep breath and carried on before I lost my nerve. “And I was mad all the time. I was mad at myself for treating you like that and then I’d get mad at you because you made me care about being mean to you in the first place. I stupidly thought it would be easier if I could turn off my feelings and forget you ever existed. Dania and Stu were getting suspicious of our relationship. They were teasing me all the time. They told everyone I was a freak lover. People were laughing at me. No one would talk to me. And it was only getting worse. And that made me even angrier. At you. Because in my mind, none of it would have happened if you hadn’t moved to Wellsburg. If I hadn’t been drawn to you. In my head, it was all your fault.”
I chanced a look at Flynn and I couldn’t see him very well in the inky blackness. Only his nose and chin were visible in the streetlight. He wasn’t moving. I could barely tell if he was breathing.
I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to hold him and make this horrible confession easier for me to stomach.
But I didn’t deserve easier. I deserved for it to be painful and difficult and for it to scrape me raw.
“And I knew the only way to get rid of you, to get rid of these feelings I had for you, was to treat you like everyone else did. I wanted to show Dania and Stu and the rest of them that I didn’t care about you. I wanted to convince myself that you didn’t matter. So I told Stu and Dania to come with me one night out to your house.”
I felt my nausea rise in my throat. I thought I was going to be sick.
“We had been drinking and Stu brought a box of fireworks. I suggested we light a couple and throw them into your yard. I wanted to scare you. Because you hate loud noises.”
Flynn had to know where this was going. I wish he would say something. But he remained resolutely quiet. Not giving any indication that he was even hearing me. But I could see that he was still awake and he was still watching me.
So I kept going.
“We crept up your yard and hid behind one of your outbuildings. Dania, Stu, and I each took a firecracker and lit it and then we threw them toward your house. I realized instantly that we had made a horrible mistake. Stu’s had gone out once it hit the wet grass. Dania’s hit the side of your house and made a pop before it died. But mine…well mine rolled into the open window leading into your basement. I saw it go off and the next thing I knew flames and smoke were everywhere. There was a huge bang. I heard something explode in your house and then I was running. Dania and Stu were screaming at me to get the hell out of there. They kept going, through the woods, and back toward the road, where Stu had parked his car. But I couldn’t leave. I wanted to help you. I really did. But I didn’t know what to do. The fire was spreading so fast. And then the fire department and the police showed up so I hid in the trees.”
That night, six years ago, came flooding back, debilitating me. I remembered watching from the trees as I saw Flynn and his mother rush out into the yard. I had been so relieved that they had made it out and then the strangest thing had happened. I had become angry. Rage coursed through my body as I watched his house smolder and burn.
Because I had f**ked up. I had ruined my life. And for what? And for who?
It was because of Flynn. I had allowed my irrational emotions to be ruled by a boy who didn’t understand the devastation he had created just by caring about me.
And when the police found me hiding in the woods and questioned what I was doing there, my stupid mouth started running away from me before I could stop it.
After that, life as I knew it had been over.
All because I had something to prove. Because I wanted to forget how much I had cared about Flynn Hendrick.
So I had started hating him. It had been easier than remembering how much I loved him.
Because I had loved him. Even then.
“I was the one who set fire to your house and killed Marty. It was me, Flynn. I ruined your life. I ruined my life. It’s all my fault.” My chest was heaving up and down and I was having a hard time catching my breath. Now that the truth was out there I expected to feel better.
I didn’t.
Because Flynn wasn’t saying anything.
He continued to lay there, with his hand beneath his cheek, regarding me with steady, unreadable eyes.
I couldn’t look at him any more, so I got up out of bed and went to close the sliding door. I looked out at the beach where we had walked only hours before. I had ruined everything.
