Ruin Me
Page 32
“Are you kidding me?” He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “That was the most real I’ve ever seen you. Well, up until last night.” He cracks a joke at the end, but I can tell he’s nervous by his wobbly voice.
“I looked hideous.”
“You never look hideous.”
I sit up straight, crisscross my legs, and sigh. I knew this was coming. The inevitable. And I have two choices.
Keep running until I reach a dead end.
Or tell Jax my story and slam head on into the dead end.
I think about what my dad would tell me to do. He’d say stop running, that it does no good and only drains the energy out of you. I want to be that person again. The fearless person I once was.
So I summon a deep breath and prepare my heart for another break.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t have time for a relationship,” I start unsteadily. “I have so many responsibilities I sometimes can’t keep up with them.”
“Like work and school?”
“Work. School. My mom.” I pick at my fingernails to avoid looking at him. “Not only did I lose my father in the accident, but I pretty much lost my mom. I mean, she’s alive and everything but she has brain damage and is pretty much like a kid.” I blow out an uneven breath as my heart violently pounds inside my chest. It’s been so long since I spoke aloud about this stuff with anyone. Breathe, Clara. Breathe. “My sister pretty much bailed on me after the funeral, says it’s too painful to talk to me anymore because I remind her of everything she lost. But it wouldn’t have mattered if she stuck around. I promised my dad right before he died that I’d take care of my mother.” I don’t look up at him as I speak, too afraid his eyes will match Mack’s the day I told him how my life was going to be. “Between work, taking care of my mom, school, and paying bills, I just don’t have time for other things. Plus, it’s really not fair to bring someone into that mess.”
He remains quiet for a while, dragging his finger along the ring he wears. When he’d told me the story about where he got it, I wanted to cry. It’s the only present his mother ever gave him, and there was such sadness in his tone.
“What do you mean by it isn’t fair?” His voice is gentler than I expected it to be.
I shrug, letting my hands fall to my lap. “I don’t know. Most people our age don’t want that. I mean, I can’t go to parties all the time. I spend most of my nights either working the nightshift or making sure my mother doesn’t try to escape the house. My days are filled with laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and chasing roosters out of the house.”
“It sounds a lot like my sister’s life,” he says, his tone light. “Well, minus the rooster. Although, one time, Mason did bring home a hamster. We’re still not sure where he got it from.”
“Yeah, which kind of proves my point. I mean, I remember how excited you were when Avery got her new job and you were able to do more things. Being with me would take that away.”
“That’s not the same thing. Avery is my sister, and while I don’t mind helping her out, I kind of want my own life.”
“I know.” I finally dare to meet his gaze then instantly regret it. His eyes are so intense, so overwhelming, so compassionate. Not at all what I was expecting. “Being with me… you wouldn’t have that.” My eyes start to burn as I say similar words Mack uttered to me. “I’d ruin your life.”
“Why? Because you have to take care of your mom? You have to work? Be responsible? That’s called life, Clara.” He cups my face between his hands. “And yeah, yours is a little more complicated than others but so what. That doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.”
“But you said that’s why you left here… because you didn’t want a complicated life.”
“You misunderstood me.” He pauses, searching for the right words. “All my life, complications have been forced on me. I was born into a world where I had to grow up fast. When I finally escaped that life, I had to live with my sister. While I love Mason, I kind of felt obligated to help her because she helped take care of me. This thing between us… whatever you want it to be… I’m choosing it. Choosing to make my life complicated because I think it’s worth it.”
Tears drip from my eyes. “You want to choose it? After what I just told you?”
He swipes the pad of his thumb across my cheeks, erasing the tears. “Who on earth wouldn’t choose you?”
“A lot of guys.” I suck back the tears but more continue to cascade down my cheeks. “My boyfriend, the one I had when the accident happened, said he couldn’t handle it, that my life was too complicated for him. That I’d ruin his life if I stayed with him.”
“He said that to you?” Jax asks, and I nod. “What a fucking asshole.” He grinds his teeth. “I can’t believe he said that to you. I want to hit him.”
“He was just being honest. And it was better for him to bail out early than leave later on.” I dab my eyes with the bottom of my shirt.
He studies me closely then relaxes, as if suddenly something is making sense. “I want to be part of your complicated life, just as long as you want me to be.” He says it so simply, so matter-of-factly.
“Jax, you don’t get it. Things are really hard—”
He covers his hand over my mouth. “I understand you have a lot of stuff going on, but I hope you’ll make room for me. Because I don’t want this,” he removes his hand and gestures between us, “to end. I’m happy. You make me happy even when I’m back here, which may not seem like a whole lot, but it’s a really huge deal.”
“I looked hideous.”
“You never look hideous.”
I sit up straight, crisscross my legs, and sigh. I knew this was coming. The inevitable. And I have two choices.
Keep running until I reach a dead end.
Or tell Jax my story and slam head on into the dead end.
I think about what my dad would tell me to do. He’d say stop running, that it does no good and only drains the energy out of you. I want to be that person again. The fearless person I once was.
So I summon a deep breath and prepare my heart for another break.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t have time for a relationship,” I start unsteadily. “I have so many responsibilities I sometimes can’t keep up with them.”
“Like work and school?”
“Work. School. My mom.” I pick at my fingernails to avoid looking at him. “Not only did I lose my father in the accident, but I pretty much lost my mom. I mean, she’s alive and everything but she has brain damage and is pretty much like a kid.” I blow out an uneven breath as my heart violently pounds inside my chest. It’s been so long since I spoke aloud about this stuff with anyone. Breathe, Clara. Breathe. “My sister pretty much bailed on me after the funeral, says it’s too painful to talk to me anymore because I remind her of everything she lost. But it wouldn’t have mattered if she stuck around. I promised my dad right before he died that I’d take care of my mother.” I don’t look up at him as I speak, too afraid his eyes will match Mack’s the day I told him how my life was going to be. “Between work, taking care of my mom, school, and paying bills, I just don’t have time for other things. Plus, it’s really not fair to bring someone into that mess.”
He remains quiet for a while, dragging his finger along the ring he wears. When he’d told me the story about where he got it, I wanted to cry. It’s the only present his mother ever gave him, and there was such sadness in his tone.
“What do you mean by it isn’t fair?” His voice is gentler than I expected it to be.
I shrug, letting my hands fall to my lap. “I don’t know. Most people our age don’t want that. I mean, I can’t go to parties all the time. I spend most of my nights either working the nightshift or making sure my mother doesn’t try to escape the house. My days are filled with laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and chasing roosters out of the house.”
“It sounds a lot like my sister’s life,” he says, his tone light. “Well, minus the rooster. Although, one time, Mason did bring home a hamster. We’re still not sure where he got it from.”
“Yeah, which kind of proves my point. I mean, I remember how excited you were when Avery got her new job and you were able to do more things. Being with me would take that away.”
“That’s not the same thing. Avery is my sister, and while I don’t mind helping her out, I kind of want my own life.”
“I know.” I finally dare to meet his gaze then instantly regret it. His eyes are so intense, so overwhelming, so compassionate. Not at all what I was expecting. “Being with me… you wouldn’t have that.” My eyes start to burn as I say similar words Mack uttered to me. “I’d ruin your life.”
“Why? Because you have to take care of your mom? You have to work? Be responsible? That’s called life, Clara.” He cups my face between his hands. “And yeah, yours is a little more complicated than others but so what. That doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.”
“But you said that’s why you left here… because you didn’t want a complicated life.”
“You misunderstood me.” He pauses, searching for the right words. “All my life, complications have been forced on me. I was born into a world where I had to grow up fast. When I finally escaped that life, I had to live with my sister. While I love Mason, I kind of felt obligated to help her because she helped take care of me. This thing between us… whatever you want it to be… I’m choosing it. Choosing to make my life complicated because I think it’s worth it.”
Tears drip from my eyes. “You want to choose it? After what I just told you?”
He swipes the pad of his thumb across my cheeks, erasing the tears. “Who on earth wouldn’t choose you?”
“A lot of guys.” I suck back the tears but more continue to cascade down my cheeks. “My boyfriend, the one I had when the accident happened, said he couldn’t handle it, that my life was too complicated for him. That I’d ruin his life if I stayed with him.”
“He said that to you?” Jax asks, and I nod. “What a fucking asshole.” He grinds his teeth. “I can’t believe he said that to you. I want to hit him.”
“He was just being honest. And it was better for him to bail out early than leave later on.” I dab my eyes with the bottom of my shirt.
He studies me closely then relaxes, as if suddenly something is making sense. “I want to be part of your complicated life, just as long as you want me to be.” He says it so simply, so matter-of-factly.
“Jax, you don’t get it. Things are really hard—”
He covers his hand over my mouth. “I understand you have a lot of stuff going on, but I hope you’ll make room for me. Because I don’t want this,” he removes his hand and gestures between us, “to end. I’m happy. You make me happy even when I’m back here, which may not seem like a whole lot, but it’s a really huge deal.”
