Salvaged
Page 20
I felt like I couldn’t trust myself to know if what I was doing was right, when it seemed like everything I’d done prior had been wrong. Maybe I didn’t feel like I deserved the kind of normalcy and goodness that was in my life now. Maybe, just like the teenager who was watching me closely, I was also stuck in place where I would wonder what I’d done right to deserve this new life. I didn’t feel like I’d done a single thing to earn it.
The group broke up shortly after that and my feet couldn’t move fast enough as I made my way to the little coffee shop that was on the corner down the street from the building where we met. Happy yipped at the end of his leash and danced up on his tiny hind legs as he saw me coming. My heart felt heavy and my mind was foggy with too many things to wade through, but the sight of the excited puppy and the welcoming smile from the stunning blonde who was puppy sitting did wonders towards lightening my heavy mood.
Sayer Cole was Rowdy’s older sister. I considered her something of a guardian angel and she was most definitely my mentor. The woman had been raised by a man that gave my father a run for his money when it came to emotional manipulation and cruelty, but she was now happily settled with a great man and helping him raise his son. She just happened to be Wheeler’s best friend from childhood’s woman, so I hadn’t mentioned to her that I was going by to see Wheeler after the meeting. She would tell Zeb and then everyone in our tight little circle of friends and family would know something was up and I didn’t have it in me to explain to them that they shouldn’t get their hopes up or give Wheeler shit. I had no clue what I was doing and there was a good chance I was about to crash and burn, taking Wheeler down with me.
I slid into the seat across from her, noticing her nose was a little pink from the cold. Like a lot of coffee shops in Denver this one was dog-friendly, so there was no reason for Sayer to be sitting outside.
“Why aren’t you inside? Was the puppy acting up?” As soon as I was sitting, the dog scrambled his little body against my legs demanding to be picked up. I lifted the warm, wiggling bundle into my lap and laughed when his tongue immediately attacked my chin. “Thanks for agreeing to watch him for me for the hour.”
She waved a hand and smiled at me. “I had to make a couple calls. I have a client in the middle of an ugly custody case and she needed to be talked off the ledge. I came out here to take the call. The puppy was fine. I think I should talk to Zeb about getting a dog for Hyde. Little boys should have a dog to play with.” She shivered a little and I knew it wasn’t from the cold when she muttered, “My father refused to let me have a pet. I wanted one so bad after my mom died. I was so alone in that house with him. I think a pet would have saved my sanity.”
I made a noise in my throat and buried my face in the puppy’s scruff. “Same. My dad said they were dirty and that we didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the house as it was. It was bullshit. My mom scrubbed that place on her hands and knees every single day. He just didn’t want us to have something that we wanted.” I sighed. “It’s probably a good thing we didn’t have a pet. He would have used it against us to get his way.”
Sayer nodded solemnly. “Same.” She smiled at me and changed the subject. “I’m picking up dinner for my boys on the way home, do you want to join us? Hyde would love a chance to get his hands on that little guy.” She pointed at the dog I was cuddling.
I shifted my gaze away from her and let out a little groan. So much for keeping the fact that I was planning on seeing Wheeler secret. If I told her I had plans she would think I was regressing and avoiding spending time with other people, and I didn’t want that. She’d offered me shelter when I needed it and her gentle giant of a man was one of the main reasons I’d convinced myself to go back to work and forced myself back into society. I saw the way he was with Sayer, watched him break down her walls and build her back up. I realized I couldn’t hide myself away forever, because when someone that came along that really wanted in, nothing would keep them out.
“I have plans tonight. Maybe another night this week I can come over with the puppy.” I couldn’t meet her gaze as she froze and blinked at me like an owl.
“You have plans?” She sounded stunned and I couldn’t blame her. I’d hidden myself away for so long that I understood her surprise.
“Yeah. I uh … actually got the puppy for Wheeler to help him through his breakup. He was house-sitting for Dixie when all of that started to go down, so I inadvertently ended up with a front-row seat to all the carnage. I told him I would help him train Happy until he was ready to be left on his own. I’m taking the puppy over to his place and having dinner with him.” The words sounded weird as I said them. It’d been such a long time since I’d planned a normal evening like that. I didn’t really know what to do with it, and clearly neither did Sayer. She kept staring at me like I had sprouted horns.
“You’re having dinner with … Wheeler? Just the two of you?” She blinked slowly and tilted her head to the side. “Well … that’s surprising. I didn’t even know you knew him.”
I cleared my throat and shifted on my chair uneasily. I hated being put on the spot. “He sold me the Camry a while ago and then he was next door a lot when Dixie was in Mississippi. Our paths kept crossing.” I shrugged a shoulder. “I guess I got used to him somewhere along the way.”
Her lips twitched slightly and her blue eyes sparkled with humor. “You got used to him?”
I nodded a little and lifted my eyebrows at her. “Yeah. Why?”
She laughed and shook her head. “Nothing, you just might not want to mention that to Rowdy. You know the guy you grew up with. The one who would die for you, the one who will move heaven and earth for you. The guy who you also still flinch around, the guy who you still struggle to hug back, the guy who you can’t look in the eye half the time, the guy you cancel on at least once a month when the two of you made plans. I think it might hurt his feelings if he knows you’re making plans with another man when you still have a difficult time being alone with him.” Rowdy was her little brother; of course she would immediately think about how hard it was for me to be around him and how deeply that hurt him.
I peeked at her over the top of Happy’s head. “Wheeler hasn’t seen me at the lowest points in my life. Rowdy has.” He was there to pick me up after the college jock destroyed me and when Oliver nearly killed me. “I love him, but that can be hard.” Especially when I was trying to be anyone but that girl.
The group broke up shortly after that and my feet couldn’t move fast enough as I made my way to the little coffee shop that was on the corner down the street from the building where we met. Happy yipped at the end of his leash and danced up on his tiny hind legs as he saw me coming. My heart felt heavy and my mind was foggy with too many things to wade through, but the sight of the excited puppy and the welcoming smile from the stunning blonde who was puppy sitting did wonders towards lightening my heavy mood.
Sayer Cole was Rowdy’s older sister. I considered her something of a guardian angel and she was most definitely my mentor. The woman had been raised by a man that gave my father a run for his money when it came to emotional manipulation and cruelty, but she was now happily settled with a great man and helping him raise his son. She just happened to be Wheeler’s best friend from childhood’s woman, so I hadn’t mentioned to her that I was going by to see Wheeler after the meeting. She would tell Zeb and then everyone in our tight little circle of friends and family would know something was up and I didn’t have it in me to explain to them that they shouldn’t get their hopes up or give Wheeler shit. I had no clue what I was doing and there was a good chance I was about to crash and burn, taking Wheeler down with me.
I slid into the seat across from her, noticing her nose was a little pink from the cold. Like a lot of coffee shops in Denver this one was dog-friendly, so there was no reason for Sayer to be sitting outside.
“Why aren’t you inside? Was the puppy acting up?” As soon as I was sitting, the dog scrambled his little body against my legs demanding to be picked up. I lifted the warm, wiggling bundle into my lap and laughed when his tongue immediately attacked my chin. “Thanks for agreeing to watch him for me for the hour.”
She waved a hand and smiled at me. “I had to make a couple calls. I have a client in the middle of an ugly custody case and she needed to be talked off the ledge. I came out here to take the call. The puppy was fine. I think I should talk to Zeb about getting a dog for Hyde. Little boys should have a dog to play with.” She shivered a little and I knew it wasn’t from the cold when she muttered, “My father refused to let me have a pet. I wanted one so bad after my mom died. I was so alone in that house with him. I think a pet would have saved my sanity.”
I made a noise in my throat and buried my face in the puppy’s scruff. “Same. My dad said they were dirty and that we didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the house as it was. It was bullshit. My mom scrubbed that place on her hands and knees every single day. He just didn’t want us to have something that we wanted.” I sighed. “It’s probably a good thing we didn’t have a pet. He would have used it against us to get his way.”
Sayer nodded solemnly. “Same.” She smiled at me and changed the subject. “I’m picking up dinner for my boys on the way home, do you want to join us? Hyde would love a chance to get his hands on that little guy.” She pointed at the dog I was cuddling.
I shifted my gaze away from her and let out a little groan. So much for keeping the fact that I was planning on seeing Wheeler secret. If I told her I had plans she would think I was regressing and avoiding spending time with other people, and I didn’t want that. She’d offered me shelter when I needed it and her gentle giant of a man was one of the main reasons I’d convinced myself to go back to work and forced myself back into society. I saw the way he was with Sayer, watched him break down her walls and build her back up. I realized I couldn’t hide myself away forever, because when someone that came along that really wanted in, nothing would keep them out.
“I have plans tonight. Maybe another night this week I can come over with the puppy.” I couldn’t meet her gaze as she froze and blinked at me like an owl.
“You have plans?” She sounded stunned and I couldn’t blame her. I’d hidden myself away for so long that I understood her surprise.
“Yeah. I uh … actually got the puppy for Wheeler to help him through his breakup. He was house-sitting for Dixie when all of that started to go down, so I inadvertently ended up with a front-row seat to all the carnage. I told him I would help him train Happy until he was ready to be left on his own. I’m taking the puppy over to his place and having dinner with him.” The words sounded weird as I said them. It’d been such a long time since I’d planned a normal evening like that. I didn’t really know what to do with it, and clearly neither did Sayer. She kept staring at me like I had sprouted horns.
“You’re having dinner with … Wheeler? Just the two of you?” She blinked slowly and tilted her head to the side. “Well … that’s surprising. I didn’t even know you knew him.”
I cleared my throat and shifted on my chair uneasily. I hated being put on the spot. “He sold me the Camry a while ago and then he was next door a lot when Dixie was in Mississippi. Our paths kept crossing.” I shrugged a shoulder. “I guess I got used to him somewhere along the way.”
Her lips twitched slightly and her blue eyes sparkled with humor. “You got used to him?”
I nodded a little and lifted my eyebrows at her. “Yeah. Why?”
She laughed and shook her head. “Nothing, you just might not want to mention that to Rowdy. You know the guy you grew up with. The one who would die for you, the one who will move heaven and earth for you. The guy who you also still flinch around, the guy who you still struggle to hug back, the guy who you can’t look in the eye half the time, the guy you cancel on at least once a month when the two of you made plans. I think it might hurt his feelings if he knows you’re making plans with another man when you still have a difficult time being alone with him.” Rowdy was her little brother; of course she would immediately think about how hard it was for me to be around him and how deeply that hurt him.
I peeked at her over the top of Happy’s head. “Wheeler hasn’t seen me at the lowest points in my life. Rowdy has.” He was there to pick me up after the college jock destroyed me and when Oliver nearly killed me. “I love him, but that can be hard.” Especially when I was trying to be anyone but that girl.
