Salvaged
Page 21
Her smile faltered and all her teasing stopped. A serious look took over the mirth in her eyes and sympathetic understanding colored her tone when she told me, “I get that. I’m glad you found someone you’re comfortable spending time with outside of family. Zeb has known Wheeler since they were kids. He went out of his way to give Zeb something to focus on when he got out of prison and he looked after his mom and his sister while he was locked up. By all accounts Hudson is a good guy and you couldn’t have picked anyone better to get involved with.”
“Whoa …” I held up a hand and leaned back in the chair. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Say. We aren’t involved. He just broke off his engagement and that’s not even the start of how complicated it is. He’s nice to me and doesn’t treat me like I’m going to shatter, even though it’s obvious I might. I wanted to do something nice for him, and he needs my help. That’s all.”
She hummed a little and pushed a strand of platinum-blond hair off of her forehead. “I would agree that it was something simple if I didn’t know you, Poppy. You got him a dog and you agreed to have dinner alone with him. Those aren’t baby steps, love, those are leaps and bounds.”
I groaned again and squeezed my eyes shut. “Did you know his ex is pregnant?”
Sayer was one of the few people in Denver that knew about my baby, and the only reason she did was because she had been there when Salem and Rowdy shared their happy news about my impending niece or nephew with us. She held me together when I felt like I was going to fall apart. I was happy for my sister but I couldn’t deny the burn in my heart when I thought of everything I had lost. I should have a six-year-old at home, a child that was the love of my life. Instead, all I had was a dead husband, a cargo hold full of baggage, and the kind of nightmares that followed me into my waking hours.
She gave a sharp nod. “He told Zeb one night over drinks. Zeb said that Wheeler was pretty shocked by the news but he’s sure that he’ll settle into it. He didn’t have it easy growing up, so I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to make sure his child has everything he didn’t.”
He seemed more than shocked when he revealed the news about the baby to me. He seemed upset, almost angry, and that made me incredibly uneasy. I liked Wheeler but I knew I couldn’t spend time with someone that resented and regreted a life that they were half responsible for creating. It wasn’t fair to the baby, and it wasn’t fair to those of us that would do anything, give anything, to have a chance to love what we’d lost.
“It’s a lot. My past is so complicated and ugly and his future is so uncertain. Right now all I’m trying to do is be his friend.” The kind of friend that was constantly picturing him naked and wondering what it would be like to have those tattooed hands all over me. So, like his best friend ever, really.
“Honestly, I’m thrilled you want to be his anything, so I’ll take it.” She reached out a hand and put her chilly fingers over mine. “One day at a time, Poppy. That’s what you focus on. Not what was or what will be, but what is. You get through this dinner with him and then you get through whatever the next day brings with or without him because you will be all right no matter what happens. Okay?”
I nodded in agreement and forced a shaky smile. “Okay.”
I could do one day at a time because I was finally in a place where I realized how very lucky I was to still be here making my way through the days, be they good or bad. I might not implicitly trust myself to do the right thing, but I did know if I stepped wrong and stumbled, there were plenty of people around me waiting to pick me up. For the first time in my life, I had a safe place to fail, which made me strong enough to want to try and live again.
Wheeler
I couldn’t stop watching her. It wasn’t anything new. When Rowdy first brought her by the shop in search of a car for her, I found myself unable to look away. I felt guilty as hell about it at the time because I was supposed to be a happily engaged man well on my way to planning a forever with Kallie, but there was something about Poppy that I found compelling. Initially it had been her mixture of beauty and sadness that caught my eye. In a perfect world she would never know the kind of ugliness that could make those golden eyes so haunted and afraid. The more our paths crossed and the more she let her rigid guard down around me, the more I realized the reason I couldn’t look away was because she was a constant surprise. Just when I thought I knew how she was going to react or behave, she did something completely unexpected. Like show up at my garage out of the blue with a rambunctious puppy because she knew I was having a rough time in my personal life and could use a distraction.
Or like now, when I was entranced watching her do something as simple as eat dinner. I thought when I handed off the cheeseburger, minus tomato, she would nibble and pick at the messy meal delicately and carefully. She was so slight, seemed so fragile and breakable, that I was shocked when she dug into the burger with gusto and wolfed down the accompanying fries. At first she was nervous because she kept looking around my open living space like someone was going to jump out from behind the furniture and snatch her up. But eventually she asked me if I was going to eat all of my onion rings and I realized she simply had a healthy appetite when it came to food she liked. Once again, I imagined doing all kinds of really graphic and horrible things to her former husband. I figured the only reason she managed to get so thin and waif-like was because she had spent so long being denied the things she actually enjoyed eating. Her life had only recently become her own and it was obvious she hadn’t quite settled into being able to indulge herself and give herself permission to cater to her own wants and needs.
I handed over the onion rings silently and tried to get my mind off of what those wants and needs might be and how many might apply to me.
“This place is really nice. I like how it’s decorated.” Her gaze was still darting around like she was searching out unseen enemies and she was fidgeting on her end of the couch, where we had set up in front of the TV. I told her she could be in charge of the remote and wasn’t at all surprised when she told me she didn’t really watch TV. I didn’t know a single female of any age that didn’t know what Sons of Anarchy was thanks to the prolific screen time given to Charlie Hunnam’s ass. Even if they weren’t into the violence and the Harleys, there was no denying they tuned in for Jax Teller. Since she insisted she was indifferent to whatever was on the screen, I turned on Fast N’ Loud on the Discovery Channel. I sucked in a breath when I realized that it was the first time I’d actually gotten to pick what was on the TV in my own house. I’d always let Kallie have control of the remote, even during football season, which meant I hadn’t seen the Broncos play since we’d moved in together.
“Whoa …” I held up a hand and leaned back in the chair. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Say. We aren’t involved. He just broke off his engagement and that’s not even the start of how complicated it is. He’s nice to me and doesn’t treat me like I’m going to shatter, even though it’s obvious I might. I wanted to do something nice for him, and he needs my help. That’s all.”
She hummed a little and pushed a strand of platinum-blond hair off of her forehead. “I would agree that it was something simple if I didn’t know you, Poppy. You got him a dog and you agreed to have dinner alone with him. Those aren’t baby steps, love, those are leaps and bounds.”
I groaned again and squeezed my eyes shut. “Did you know his ex is pregnant?”
Sayer was one of the few people in Denver that knew about my baby, and the only reason she did was because she had been there when Salem and Rowdy shared their happy news about my impending niece or nephew with us. She held me together when I felt like I was going to fall apart. I was happy for my sister but I couldn’t deny the burn in my heart when I thought of everything I had lost. I should have a six-year-old at home, a child that was the love of my life. Instead, all I had was a dead husband, a cargo hold full of baggage, and the kind of nightmares that followed me into my waking hours.
She gave a sharp nod. “He told Zeb one night over drinks. Zeb said that Wheeler was pretty shocked by the news but he’s sure that he’ll settle into it. He didn’t have it easy growing up, so I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to make sure his child has everything he didn’t.”
He seemed more than shocked when he revealed the news about the baby to me. He seemed upset, almost angry, and that made me incredibly uneasy. I liked Wheeler but I knew I couldn’t spend time with someone that resented and regreted a life that they were half responsible for creating. It wasn’t fair to the baby, and it wasn’t fair to those of us that would do anything, give anything, to have a chance to love what we’d lost.
“It’s a lot. My past is so complicated and ugly and his future is so uncertain. Right now all I’m trying to do is be his friend.” The kind of friend that was constantly picturing him naked and wondering what it would be like to have those tattooed hands all over me. So, like his best friend ever, really.
“Honestly, I’m thrilled you want to be his anything, so I’ll take it.” She reached out a hand and put her chilly fingers over mine. “One day at a time, Poppy. That’s what you focus on. Not what was or what will be, but what is. You get through this dinner with him and then you get through whatever the next day brings with or without him because you will be all right no matter what happens. Okay?”
I nodded in agreement and forced a shaky smile. “Okay.”
I could do one day at a time because I was finally in a place where I realized how very lucky I was to still be here making my way through the days, be they good or bad. I might not implicitly trust myself to do the right thing, but I did know if I stepped wrong and stumbled, there were plenty of people around me waiting to pick me up. For the first time in my life, I had a safe place to fail, which made me strong enough to want to try and live again.
Wheeler
I couldn’t stop watching her. It wasn’t anything new. When Rowdy first brought her by the shop in search of a car for her, I found myself unable to look away. I felt guilty as hell about it at the time because I was supposed to be a happily engaged man well on my way to planning a forever with Kallie, but there was something about Poppy that I found compelling. Initially it had been her mixture of beauty and sadness that caught my eye. In a perfect world she would never know the kind of ugliness that could make those golden eyes so haunted and afraid. The more our paths crossed and the more she let her rigid guard down around me, the more I realized the reason I couldn’t look away was because she was a constant surprise. Just when I thought I knew how she was going to react or behave, she did something completely unexpected. Like show up at my garage out of the blue with a rambunctious puppy because she knew I was having a rough time in my personal life and could use a distraction.
Or like now, when I was entranced watching her do something as simple as eat dinner. I thought when I handed off the cheeseburger, minus tomato, she would nibble and pick at the messy meal delicately and carefully. She was so slight, seemed so fragile and breakable, that I was shocked when she dug into the burger with gusto and wolfed down the accompanying fries. At first she was nervous because she kept looking around my open living space like someone was going to jump out from behind the furniture and snatch her up. But eventually she asked me if I was going to eat all of my onion rings and I realized she simply had a healthy appetite when it came to food she liked. Once again, I imagined doing all kinds of really graphic and horrible things to her former husband. I figured the only reason she managed to get so thin and waif-like was because she had spent so long being denied the things she actually enjoyed eating. Her life had only recently become her own and it was obvious she hadn’t quite settled into being able to indulge herself and give herself permission to cater to her own wants and needs.
I handed over the onion rings silently and tried to get my mind off of what those wants and needs might be and how many might apply to me.
“This place is really nice. I like how it’s decorated.” Her gaze was still darting around like she was searching out unseen enemies and she was fidgeting on her end of the couch, where we had set up in front of the TV. I told her she could be in charge of the remote and wasn’t at all surprised when she told me she didn’t really watch TV. I didn’t know a single female of any age that didn’t know what Sons of Anarchy was thanks to the prolific screen time given to Charlie Hunnam’s ass. Even if they weren’t into the violence and the Harleys, there was no denying they tuned in for Jax Teller. Since she insisted she was indifferent to whatever was on the screen, I turned on Fast N’ Loud on the Discovery Channel. I sucked in a breath when I realized that it was the first time I’d actually gotten to pick what was on the TV in my own house. I’d always let Kallie have control of the remote, even during football season, which meant I hadn’t seen the Broncos play since we’d moved in together.
