Shadows of Yesterday
Page 46
“You won’t, you can’t. I know you won’t.”
“Normally, no. But the circumstances demand that I do. There is a tank fire down in Venezuela someplace. The guy who would be going instead of me banged up his leg last night on a motorcycle. He’s in traction in a Dallas hospital. I’ve got to go, Leigh. Grayson apologized, said he wouldn’t have called if”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? The fact that he apologized for calling you away from your honeymoon, from me? Does that make it all right?”
He sighed in exasperation. “No, dammit. I’m only stressing to you that it can’t be helped. It’s no one’s fault. I have no choice.”
She took two swift steps into the room. “As you told me once, Chad, there are many choices. You could refuse to go, for one.”
He was shaking his head before the words were completely out of her mouth. “I can’t do that, Leigh. You know I can’t.”
“You could if you loved me enough.”
His expletive was spoken quietly, more in agitation than in anger. Leigh knew she was being unreasonable, but she was beyond reason. Wasn’t a bride entitled to a temper tantrum if her bridegroom was called away before the honeymoon? Wasn’t she allowed to luxuriate in her hatred of bitter fate? She had promised to come to grips with the danger involved in his work. But not on her wedding day!
“This has nothing to do with my love for you, Leigh. Surely you must know that. I have a duty”
“Duty be damned. I’ve had duty up to here!” she screamed, slicing a finger across her throat. “First from Greg and now from you. Is that all men think about? Duty? Responsibility? Well, by God, you have a responsibility to me, too. You took it on not two hours ago when you said those vows.”
“Leigh, my God, listen to us,” he croaked. “I love you. I’m leaving for I don’t know how long and I don’t want to go with this anger between us. Please understand.”
Heartbroken but fighting for her sanity, her life, she pleaded, “Show me you love me. Stay with me. Don’t go.”
“You ask too much,” he said in anguish. “Don’t ask of me something I can’t give.” He took another step toward her. “Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to let anything happen to me when I know you’re here waiting for me.”
The words reverberated in her head. Echoes of the past. Words so easily spoken, so untrue, so unreliable. She paled visibly and dodged his extended arms. “No,” she rasped. “No, Chad. If you go, I won’t be waiting for you. I won’t spend my life sending you off with vapid little smiles and platitudes like, ‘Please don’t get killed before I see you again.’ I won’t!”
The lines around his mouth hardened even as she watched. The warm light in his eyes went out as quickly as a candle being extinguished. He pulled himself to his full height and brushed past her. At the door he paused to toss one last knife into her heart. “Thanks for the loving send-off.”
The door slammed behind him.
Chapter Eleven
It was her father who came into the office an hour later. Blessedly, everyone had respected her need for privacy and had let her cry out the first bout of tears alone. Harve Jackson opened the door gingerly and, finding his daughter slumped over the arm of the leather couch with her head buried in her arms, came quietly into the room. “Come on, honey. Let your mother and me take you home.” He touched her tentatively on the shoulder.
Leigh raised her tear-bloated eyes to him. “Is everyone gone?”
“Yes.”
She sniffed, wiped at her mascara-streaked cheeks, and stood with the help of her father’s hand under her elbow. Like one bereaved, she let him lead her out of the office. Her mother and Chad’s parents were waiting for them in the hallway. Amelia came toward her and embraced her lovingly.
“Why don’t you and Sarah stay here until Chad gets back? We’d love to have you. I can’t bear the thought of you being all alone in that big house.”
“I think she should come to Big Spring with us,” Lois intervened. “We haven’t had her and Sarah to ourselves for a long time.”
Amelia looked as though she wanted to argue, but her husband’s restraining hand on her arm kept her silent. Instead, Stewart said, “We’re here when you need us, Leigh. Anytime.”
Tears, tears that she thought would have been dried up by now, flooded her eyes as she said in a choked voice, “Thank you for everything. The wedding was just beautiful.”
Lois had been holding a sleeping Sarah during this exchange. Leigh let her mother carry the baby to the Buick, as her father draped the lynx coat over her suit and led her outside in Lois’s wake. Leigh needed no urging to leave quickly. The remnants of the wedding and its following reception were repulsive to her. She avoided looking at the once-beautiful wedding cake that now resembled a ravaged carcass. The candles had been extinguished. The wicks that had glowed with a celebration of love were now blackened and lifeless. The flowers reminded her of Greg’s funeral. She breathed in the cold air as she stepped out onto the front porch. Everything beautiful in the world had suddenly seemed to decay and she couldn’t get the stench of it out of her nostrils.
Lois had been biding her time, biting her tongue, awaiting the opportunity to let Leigh know in no uncertain terms her view of the turn of events. As soon as she had handed Sarah over to Leigh where she sat in the back seat and they were wheeling away from the house, she said, “I could have warned you, but your father told me to mind my own business.”
“I’m still warning you to mind your own business. Be quiet, Lois,” Harve said.
“I won’t. Not now. Didn’t I tell you she was making a ghastly error? Didn’t I tell you she was getting into the same horrible situation she had with Greg? We begged her to come live with us after he died, but no. She had to live alone. She has no better sense than to have a baby in the back of a pickup truck and now look at what she’s gotten herself into. She never learns. She won’t listen to me.”
“It’s her business.”
Leigh let them thrash it out between them. She didn’t take offense at their talking about her as though she weren’t there. She didn’t feel she was. Her mind was far away, on a deserted highway she’d had no business driving on alone when in the last few weeks of pregnancy.
“Normally, no. But the circumstances demand that I do. There is a tank fire down in Venezuela someplace. The guy who would be going instead of me banged up his leg last night on a motorcycle. He’s in traction in a Dallas hospital. I’ve got to go, Leigh. Grayson apologized, said he wouldn’t have called if”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? The fact that he apologized for calling you away from your honeymoon, from me? Does that make it all right?”
He sighed in exasperation. “No, dammit. I’m only stressing to you that it can’t be helped. It’s no one’s fault. I have no choice.”
She took two swift steps into the room. “As you told me once, Chad, there are many choices. You could refuse to go, for one.”
He was shaking his head before the words were completely out of her mouth. “I can’t do that, Leigh. You know I can’t.”
“You could if you loved me enough.”
His expletive was spoken quietly, more in agitation than in anger. Leigh knew she was being unreasonable, but she was beyond reason. Wasn’t a bride entitled to a temper tantrum if her bridegroom was called away before the honeymoon? Wasn’t she allowed to luxuriate in her hatred of bitter fate? She had promised to come to grips with the danger involved in his work. But not on her wedding day!
“This has nothing to do with my love for you, Leigh. Surely you must know that. I have a duty”
“Duty be damned. I’ve had duty up to here!” she screamed, slicing a finger across her throat. “First from Greg and now from you. Is that all men think about? Duty? Responsibility? Well, by God, you have a responsibility to me, too. You took it on not two hours ago when you said those vows.”
“Leigh, my God, listen to us,” he croaked. “I love you. I’m leaving for I don’t know how long and I don’t want to go with this anger between us. Please understand.”
Heartbroken but fighting for her sanity, her life, she pleaded, “Show me you love me. Stay with me. Don’t go.”
“You ask too much,” he said in anguish. “Don’t ask of me something I can’t give.” He took another step toward her. “Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to let anything happen to me when I know you’re here waiting for me.”
The words reverberated in her head. Echoes of the past. Words so easily spoken, so untrue, so unreliable. She paled visibly and dodged his extended arms. “No,” she rasped. “No, Chad. If you go, I won’t be waiting for you. I won’t spend my life sending you off with vapid little smiles and platitudes like, ‘Please don’t get killed before I see you again.’ I won’t!”
The lines around his mouth hardened even as she watched. The warm light in his eyes went out as quickly as a candle being extinguished. He pulled himself to his full height and brushed past her. At the door he paused to toss one last knife into her heart. “Thanks for the loving send-off.”
The door slammed behind him.
Chapter Eleven
It was her father who came into the office an hour later. Blessedly, everyone had respected her need for privacy and had let her cry out the first bout of tears alone. Harve Jackson opened the door gingerly and, finding his daughter slumped over the arm of the leather couch with her head buried in her arms, came quietly into the room. “Come on, honey. Let your mother and me take you home.” He touched her tentatively on the shoulder.
Leigh raised her tear-bloated eyes to him. “Is everyone gone?”
“Yes.”
She sniffed, wiped at her mascara-streaked cheeks, and stood with the help of her father’s hand under her elbow. Like one bereaved, she let him lead her out of the office. Her mother and Chad’s parents were waiting for them in the hallway. Amelia came toward her and embraced her lovingly.
“Why don’t you and Sarah stay here until Chad gets back? We’d love to have you. I can’t bear the thought of you being all alone in that big house.”
“I think she should come to Big Spring with us,” Lois intervened. “We haven’t had her and Sarah to ourselves for a long time.”
Amelia looked as though she wanted to argue, but her husband’s restraining hand on her arm kept her silent. Instead, Stewart said, “We’re here when you need us, Leigh. Anytime.”
Tears, tears that she thought would have been dried up by now, flooded her eyes as she said in a choked voice, “Thank you for everything. The wedding was just beautiful.”
Lois had been holding a sleeping Sarah during this exchange. Leigh let her mother carry the baby to the Buick, as her father draped the lynx coat over her suit and led her outside in Lois’s wake. Leigh needed no urging to leave quickly. The remnants of the wedding and its following reception were repulsive to her. She avoided looking at the once-beautiful wedding cake that now resembled a ravaged carcass. The candles had been extinguished. The wicks that had glowed with a celebration of love were now blackened and lifeless. The flowers reminded her of Greg’s funeral. She breathed in the cold air as she stepped out onto the front porch. Everything beautiful in the world had suddenly seemed to decay and she couldn’t get the stench of it out of her nostrils.
Lois had been biding her time, biting her tongue, awaiting the opportunity to let Leigh know in no uncertain terms her view of the turn of events. As soon as she had handed Sarah over to Leigh where she sat in the back seat and they were wheeling away from the house, she said, “I could have warned you, but your father told me to mind my own business.”
“I’m still warning you to mind your own business. Be quiet, Lois,” Harve said.
“I won’t. Not now. Didn’t I tell you she was making a ghastly error? Didn’t I tell you she was getting into the same horrible situation she had with Greg? We begged her to come live with us after he died, but no. She had to live alone. She has no better sense than to have a baby in the back of a pickup truck and now look at what she’s gotten herself into. She never learns. She won’t listen to me.”
“It’s her business.”
Leigh let them thrash it out between them. She didn’t take offense at their talking about her as though she weren’t there. She didn’t feel she was. Her mind was far away, on a deserted highway she’d had no business driving on alone when in the last few weeks of pregnancy.
