Still Jaded
Page 67
"How long have you loved him?"
I stared him down. "Since before you."
He froze. "You knew in seventh grade?"
"No, Bryce! But yeah—I had feelings for him. We were friends before you—looking back, yes. There was probably a reason why Corrigan stuck and no one else did until you."
His eyes sparked. He almost looked hopeful.
I gentled my voice. "I don't know if I loved you or I lusted for you in the beginning. There are different types of love and you became one of them."
"And Corrigan?"
My throat was raw. "He's always been the other one. I never wanted to admit that."
Bryce's eyes went dead. "So what does that mean? What does that mean for us?"
"Us? As far as I know you're screwing someone else. I'm not that same girl from school. I won't be in love with someone who's screwing someone else. I might've been screwed up, but I'm better. I've had enough therapy. And I had my own personal shrink. I'm healthier now, a little bit."
He looked down, laughing softly.
When he didn't say anything right away, my insides were going to burst. I waited—I hoped, but I didn't know if I should have. He had chosen another woman, hadn't he?
Then he asked in a soft tone, "You still love me?"
"Are you stupid?!" I snapped. I couldn't help it. He was being the idiot this time.
"So you are?" He cracked a smile. "Still?"
For as long as I'd known Bryce, he had always had the upper hand over me. I was the mess, and he helped me clean it up. He knew me; I didn't know him, not in the same way. But now I saw the chink that had been there whole time. My eyes were clear when I looked at him. I saw someone who still had me in his heart. He loved me. He hoped that I still loved him. Then Corrigan flashed in my head, and I closed my eyes. It felt like someone stabbed my heart.
I had to choose…
I sighed, "I am going to be completely honest with you. I'm not holding anything back. I'm done with the lies. I'm done with the hiding. I want the cards out and where they fall, I think I'm okay with that—"
"Corrigan's not here," Bryce interrupted me.
"What?"
"He's not here. You're laying it all out, but whatever it is won't be fair. He's not here. I am. I don't want you to be biased because I'm here and he's not. You can't make a decision now and then regret it when you see him later. I couldn't handle losing you, again."
My eyes were hard. "Believe me. I'm not being biased towards you right now."
Bryce shut his mouth.
"But first you have to tell me the truth. Are you with her? Did you leave me for her?"
He laughed harshly. "I never left you. You were still a mess. Marcus screwed you up big time. He screwed all of us up. I should've gone to therapy. Corrigan too. We were all affected by him. I watched my girlfriend kill someone and you did it cold-bloodedly. I turned off the video for you. I protected you and he was the sicko, but you were in the wrong. You were the one who murdered him because you baited him. You went after him when we could've holed up and called the cops. We killed Marcus together, you and me. And I have to wonder if that had something to do with Spain. You wanted Corrigan all the time. You never wanted me. You feared me." As he chuckled again, the sound was ripped from him. He sounded haunted. "I understood what you were doing. Corrigan had been the one who got hurt. He was the innocent one out of the three of us. It made sense why you went to him all the time, and that's why I let you, but after awhile it hurt too goddamn much. I couldn't watch the two of you anymore. A part of me was relieved when Katrice got sick and he had to go back. I thought that I would finally get you back, but it didn't happen."
When he broke, I closed my eyes. I didn't think I could handle hearing what he had to say, but I had to. If I didn't then I'd regret this moment for the rest of my life.
He lifted stricken eyes to me. "I'm not perfect, and I know that I've made mistakes."
I narrowed mine. "What was Guadalupe? You needed her to get away from me?"
He looked away. "I screwed her once. It was after you left me. That's all. My manager caught wind of it, and he wanted us to stay together for the media. He still does. He thinks the Suns will pay me more for some reason. I have no idea, but I ended it with her in Spain. She's over here because she thinks she can get me back. I went along with it to push you away. You needed space from me so you could figure out your feelings for Corrigan. That was our plan the whole time. You just had to figure it out and then you could choose. Finally. Then we would all know."
I heard the pain. I head how overpowering it was.
He pressed, "I came back for you. I love you, and I know you love me too. I know you love him, but who do you love more?"
I closed my eyes. I knew where this was going.
"You stayed away from him when you came back. That meant something, but it wasn't what I had hoped. You stayed away from him because it was there; it was too strong between you two. You couldn't deal with that then. I get it. I know that I'm the one who made all this happen. I laid it all out with Corrigan. I told him I knew you had feelings, I knew he did too. You had to know it. You had to acknowledge them because only then can you really make a choice. You have to choose now, Sheldon."
My eyes snapped open. He was right there in front of me. His breath teased my skin. My hand lifted and I yearned to touch him, just one touch.
He rested his forehead against mine. "I love you. I never stopped. I want you to know how you feel for him because then you can deal with those feelings. I don't want Corrigan swimming in the deep end. I can't compete with him like that. It was like competing with a ghost. But now I can. Now you know and you can decide."
The words I'd been waiting for so long were finally spoken to me, but he'd changed things. Corrigan was there and he was strong. I didn't breathe the same way I used to around Bryce. My body didn't tingle like it used to, but it still did. It was all different, though.
His eyes looked so hopeful yet wrung out at the same time too.
I swallowed hard. "You just bared everything to me."
"I did."
"I thought you didn't want me to be biased and then you did that?"
I stared him down. "Since before you."
He froze. "You knew in seventh grade?"
"No, Bryce! But yeah—I had feelings for him. We were friends before you—looking back, yes. There was probably a reason why Corrigan stuck and no one else did until you."
His eyes sparked. He almost looked hopeful.
I gentled my voice. "I don't know if I loved you or I lusted for you in the beginning. There are different types of love and you became one of them."
"And Corrigan?"
My throat was raw. "He's always been the other one. I never wanted to admit that."
Bryce's eyes went dead. "So what does that mean? What does that mean for us?"
"Us? As far as I know you're screwing someone else. I'm not that same girl from school. I won't be in love with someone who's screwing someone else. I might've been screwed up, but I'm better. I've had enough therapy. And I had my own personal shrink. I'm healthier now, a little bit."
He looked down, laughing softly.
When he didn't say anything right away, my insides were going to burst. I waited—I hoped, but I didn't know if I should have. He had chosen another woman, hadn't he?
Then he asked in a soft tone, "You still love me?"
"Are you stupid?!" I snapped. I couldn't help it. He was being the idiot this time.
"So you are?" He cracked a smile. "Still?"
For as long as I'd known Bryce, he had always had the upper hand over me. I was the mess, and he helped me clean it up. He knew me; I didn't know him, not in the same way. But now I saw the chink that had been there whole time. My eyes were clear when I looked at him. I saw someone who still had me in his heart. He loved me. He hoped that I still loved him. Then Corrigan flashed in my head, and I closed my eyes. It felt like someone stabbed my heart.
I had to choose…
I sighed, "I am going to be completely honest with you. I'm not holding anything back. I'm done with the lies. I'm done with the hiding. I want the cards out and where they fall, I think I'm okay with that—"
"Corrigan's not here," Bryce interrupted me.
"What?"
"He's not here. You're laying it all out, but whatever it is won't be fair. He's not here. I am. I don't want you to be biased because I'm here and he's not. You can't make a decision now and then regret it when you see him later. I couldn't handle losing you, again."
My eyes were hard. "Believe me. I'm not being biased towards you right now."
Bryce shut his mouth.
"But first you have to tell me the truth. Are you with her? Did you leave me for her?"
He laughed harshly. "I never left you. You were still a mess. Marcus screwed you up big time. He screwed all of us up. I should've gone to therapy. Corrigan too. We were all affected by him. I watched my girlfriend kill someone and you did it cold-bloodedly. I turned off the video for you. I protected you and he was the sicko, but you were in the wrong. You were the one who murdered him because you baited him. You went after him when we could've holed up and called the cops. We killed Marcus together, you and me. And I have to wonder if that had something to do with Spain. You wanted Corrigan all the time. You never wanted me. You feared me." As he chuckled again, the sound was ripped from him. He sounded haunted. "I understood what you were doing. Corrigan had been the one who got hurt. He was the innocent one out of the three of us. It made sense why you went to him all the time, and that's why I let you, but after awhile it hurt too goddamn much. I couldn't watch the two of you anymore. A part of me was relieved when Katrice got sick and he had to go back. I thought that I would finally get you back, but it didn't happen."
When he broke, I closed my eyes. I didn't think I could handle hearing what he had to say, but I had to. If I didn't then I'd regret this moment for the rest of my life.
He lifted stricken eyes to me. "I'm not perfect, and I know that I've made mistakes."
I narrowed mine. "What was Guadalupe? You needed her to get away from me?"
He looked away. "I screwed her once. It was after you left me. That's all. My manager caught wind of it, and he wanted us to stay together for the media. He still does. He thinks the Suns will pay me more for some reason. I have no idea, but I ended it with her in Spain. She's over here because she thinks she can get me back. I went along with it to push you away. You needed space from me so you could figure out your feelings for Corrigan. That was our plan the whole time. You just had to figure it out and then you could choose. Finally. Then we would all know."
I heard the pain. I head how overpowering it was.
He pressed, "I came back for you. I love you, and I know you love me too. I know you love him, but who do you love more?"
I closed my eyes. I knew where this was going.
"You stayed away from him when you came back. That meant something, but it wasn't what I had hoped. You stayed away from him because it was there; it was too strong between you two. You couldn't deal with that then. I get it. I know that I'm the one who made all this happen. I laid it all out with Corrigan. I told him I knew you had feelings, I knew he did too. You had to know it. You had to acknowledge them because only then can you really make a choice. You have to choose now, Sheldon."
My eyes snapped open. He was right there in front of me. His breath teased my skin. My hand lifted and I yearned to touch him, just one touch.
He rested his forehead against mine. "I love you. I never stopped. I want you to know how you feel for him because then you can deal with those feelings. I don't want Corrigan swimming in the deep end. I can't compete with him like that. It was like competing with a ghost. But now I can. Now you know and you can decide."
The words I'd been waiting for so long were finally spoken to me, but he'd changed things. Corrigan was there and he was strong. I didn't breathe the same way I used to around Bryce. My body didn't tingle like it used to, but it still did. It was all different, though.
His eyes looked so hopeful yet wrung out at the same time too.
I swallowed hard. "You just bared everything to me."
"I did."
"I thought you didn't want me to be biased and then you did that?"
