Sweet Fall
Page 87
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know if I could promise him that.
“Because I keep having this dream. This f**kin’ dream that feels too real to be just an illusion, to be something that can never come true.”
My pulse began to race. “What… what happens in this dream?”
Austin pressed kisses to my hand and said, “There’s you and me. We’re on a beach somewhere, living near the water. You’re laughing so hard, so free. You’re healthy. Strong. And we have three f**kin’ kids. All of them with dark hair and eyes. They’re running around splashing in the water as I hold you in my arms, watching them. I feel you laughing against my chest, and not the fake shit you put on show for your friends. It’s real happy laughter, laughter from your heart.”
“Austin…” I trailed off, seeing the dream so vividly in my mind, my emotions jumping all over the place.
“Pix, I’ve never let myself think like this before. To be honest, I never thought I’d live beyond my teens.” Austin pressed his lips against my palm… his face desperate for me to listen, to want the dream too. “But you made me want more. From life. From a God I thought had deserted me. From myself. You made me believe there could be more out there than just drug running and guns. So you can’t die, Pix. ’Cause I really want that f**kin’ dream to come true. I really need it to come true.”
I wanted to assure him, tell him it was all going to be okay, but I just couldn’t move on with my future until I conquered the demons from my past.
“Baby?” Austin whispered. “I love you.”
“Austin… is my purse in here?”
Austin frowned at my random question but looked around the room for my purse. Standing, he retrieved it from the vanity and brought it to my bed.
“Open it,” I instructed. Austin did as I asked, and I said, “Go in the zipper compartment.” Again, he did, and I knew he felt the picture when his eyebrows lifted in interest.
Austin sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the old picture. I slowly saw the recognition on his face. His eyes drifted to meet mine.
“This is you?”
Trying to stop my wobbling lip, I nodded. “I was sixteen. It was taken at cheer camp a month before I became ill. Before anorexia came into my life and began to rip me apart.” I took a deep breath. “That was me before the war paint. Before I hid myself away from the world.”
Austin ran his finger over the crinkled old photograph. “You’re a natural blond.”
“Yeah. I was your stereotypical cheerleader. Blond, tanned and peppy. Perfect makeup, A-grade student. The whole nine yards.”
Austin leaned forward and ran his hand over my hair. “You were cute as a blond, Pix, but I kinda prefer the black. You know I love the alt look.”
Heart racing and pulse throbbing, I asked, “I suppose you think that girl is prettier than the one you see now, huh?”
Austin took the photograph and put it back in my purse, and in doing so, put my past to bed. Taking my hand in his, he said, “Now that’s where you’re wrong. You’re always beautiful to me, Pix. Nothing you do will ever change that. Short, tall, fat, thin, blond, brunette… just as long as it’s you, as long as the real you shines through.”
Happiness burst in my chest at his words because I could see that he meant them, and I couldn’t contain my sobs.
Tears streamed down Austin’s face too and, pressing his forehead to mine, he said, “Pix, I need you to start eating… please. Will you try for me? I beg you…”
“I’m… I’m gonna try…”
“Then that’s all I can ask.”
Austin moved down to press the gentlest of kisses to my lips…
The voice in my head fell completely silent.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexi
“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.
Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”
“Because I keep having this dream. This f**kin’ dream that feels too real to be just an illusion, to be something that can never come true.”
My pulse began to race. “What… what happens in this dream?”
Austin pressed kisses to my hand and said, “There’s you and me. We’re on a beach somewhere, living near the water. You’re laughing so hard, so free. You’re healthy. Strong. And we have three f**kin’ kids. All of them with dark hair and eyes. They’re running around splashing in the water as I hold you in my arms, watching them. I feel you laughing against my chest, and not the fake shit you put on show for your friends. It’s real happy laughter, laughter from your heart.”
“Austin…” I trailed off, seeing the dream so vividly in my mind, my emotions jumping all over the place.
“Pix, I’ve never let myself think like this before. To be honest, I never thought I’d live beyond my teens.” Austin pressed his lips against my palm… his face desperate for me to listen, to want the dream too. “But you made me want more. From life. From a God I thought had deserted me. From myself. You made me believe there could be more out there than just drug running and guns. So you can’t die, Pix. ’Cause I really want that f**kin’ dream to come true. I really need it to come true.”
I wanted to assure him, tell him it was all going to be okay, but I just couldn’t move on with my future until I conquered the demons from my past.
“Baby?” Austin whispered. “I love you.”
“Austin… is my purse in here?”
Austin frowned at my random question but looked around the room for my purse. Standing, he retrieved it from the vanity and brought it to my bed.
“Open it,” I instructed. Austin did as I asked, and I said, “Go in the zipper compartment.” Again, he did, and I knew he felt the picture when his eyebrows lifted in interest.
Austin sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the old picture. I slowly saw the recognition on his face. His eyes drifted to meet mine.
“This is you?”
Trying to stop my wobbling lip, I nodded. “I was sixteen. It was taken at cheer camp a month before I became ill. Before anorexia came into my life and began to rip me apart.” I took a deep breath. “That was me before the war paint. Before I hid myself away from the world.”
Austin ran his finger over the crinkled old photograph. “You’re a natural blond.”
“Yeah. I was your stereotypical cheerleader. Blond, tanned and peppy. Perfect makeup, A-grade student. The whole nine yards.”
Austin leaned forward and ran his hand over my hair. “You were cute as a blond, Pix, but I kinda prefer the black. You know I love the alt look.”
Heart racing and pulse throbbing, I asked, “I suppose you think that girl is prettier than the one you see now, huh?”
Austin took the photograph and put it back in my purse, and in doing so, put my past to bed. Taking my hand in his, he said, “Now that’s where you’re wrong. You’re always beautiful to me, Pix. Nothing you do will ever change that. Short, tall, fat, thin, blond, brunette… just as long as it’s you, as long as the real you shines through.”
Happiness burst in my chest at his words because I could see that he meant them, and I couldn’t contain my sobs.
Tears streamed down Austin’s face too and, pressing his forehead to mine, he said, “Pix, I need you to start eating… please. Will you try for me? I beg you…”
“I’m… I’m gonna try…”
“Then that’s all I can ask.”
Austin moved down to press the gentlest of kisses to my lips…
The voice in my head fell completely silent.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexi
“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.
Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”
