Sweet Fall
Page 88
I looked at the supportive faces of my best friends and said, “Although I acted as though I was this fun-loving girl around y’all, it didn’t mean I didn’t trust you. The fake persona, the gothic makeup, it was about my not having dealt with my disorder. It was my mask, my shield. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. That I didn’t cherish your friendship.”
“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.
“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.
“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”
Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”
“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”
Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”
For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.
“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.
Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”
The four of us paused and darted our glances to each other before bursting out in giggles.
It felt good to laugh. It felt good to embrace life.
Two days had passed since Austin had brought me back to him, and I felt a little stronger. I’d restarted my sessions with Dr. Lund, and hopefully, I could get things back on track slowly but surely.
I’d been praying nightly, begging for the strength to see it through.
I don’t want to die, I would plead. I want Austin’s dream for us to come true.
“We’ve missed you so much, Lex,” Molly said, and she sniffed back her wrought emotions.
“Promise us you’ll speak to us if you feel down again. And I want that promise in blood if at all possible.” I looked over to Cass and tried to promise her by crossing my weak fingers. The four of us sat in silence for a moment, enjoying our closeness.
A knock on the door sounded, and Rome entered, his face desolate and his attention on me. “It’s time.”
My good feeling soon faded, and I instantly tried to sit up, but I immediately fell back down.
“Whoa, girl! What you doing?” Cass said in panic, and my friends all jumped up, trying to usher me back down to the bed.
I held out my hand. “No! Austin needs me. I can’t let him go through this alone.”
Molly looked to Rome, who nodded his head. “Give me a minute.” With that, he exited the door, only to return minutes later with a wheelchair and a nurse, who immediately began unhooking me from the IV machine and attaching the bag to the back of the wheelchair.
Moving toward me, Rome asked, “Am I okay to lift you into the chair?”
Fighting the usual panic at someone touching me, especially my back, I quickly nodded, and as Rome lifted me in his arms and placed me in the chair, I held my breath and closed my eyes.
This was for Austin.
For Levi…
For Chiara.
I just had to get to Austin.
“You sure you’re strong enough for this, darlin’?” Ally asked, and I nodded as Cass began to push me down the hallway to Austin’s momma’s room. Pausing outside the door, I nodded to Rome to open it.
Cass rolled me in, and I immediately saw Levi and Austin on either side of the bed, both distraught and each clutching their mamma’s limp hands as the doctor stood at the head of the bed.
Austin’s eyes shot to mine and his face contorted in pain. He slid off the bed and raced to me, kneeling on the floor, placing his head in my lap. Tiredly lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through his dark, messy hair.
“I don’t think I can do this, Pix,” he said through a thick throat.
Fighting back my own tears, I said, “Yes, you can, baby. You need to be strong.” As I looked up, I saw Levi at the side of his mamma’s narrow bed, looking completely lost as he sat there alone.
Holding out my hand, I smiled at Levi, who swallowed in response. “Come here, sweetie,” I said.
Levi took a hesitant step before stopping and asking, “Are… are you okay now, Lex? Are you still starving yourself? You look so thin…”
Resisting a laugh at his blunt words, I whispered, “I will be, sweetie. I will be…”
Levi then gripped onto my hand as though I were his source of strength, his fingers shaking against mine.
Austin lifted his head when the doctor cleared his throat. “Austin, Levi, your mamma’s heart rate is slowing now. It’s time to say good-bye.”
“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.
“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.
“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”
Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”
“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”
Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”
For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.
“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.
Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”
The four of us paused and darted our glances to each other before bursting out in giggles.
It felt good to laugh. It felt good to embrace life.
Two days had passed since Austin had brought me back to him, and I felt a little stronger. I’d restarted my sessions with Dr. Lund, and hopefully, I could get things back on track slowly but surely.
I’d been praying nightly, begging for the strength to see it through.
I don’t want to die, I would plead. I want Austin’s dream for us to come true.
“We’ve missed you so much, Lex,” Molly said, and she sniffed back her wrought emotions.
“Promise us you’ll speak to us if you feel down again. And I want that promise in blood if at all possible.” I looked over to Cass and tried to promise her by crossing my weak fingers. The four of us sat in silence for a moment, enjoying our closeness.
A knock on the door sounded, and Rome entered, his face desolate and his attention on me. “It’s time.”
My good feeling soon faded, and I instantly tried to sit up, but I immediately fell back down.
“Whoa, girl! What you doing?” Cass said in panic, and my friends all jumped up, trying to usher me back down to the bed.
I held out my hand. “No! Austin needs me. I can’t let him go through this alone.”
Molly looked to Rome, who nodded his head. “Give me a minute.” With that, he exited the door, only to return minutes later with a wheelchair and a nurse, who immediately began unhooking me from the IV machine and attaching the bag to the back of the wheelchair.
Moving toward me, Rome asked, “Am I okay to lift you into the chair?”
Fighting the usual panic at someone touching me, especially my back, I quickly nodded, and as Rome lifted me in his arms and placed me in the chair, I held my breath and closed my eyes.
This was for Austin.
For Levi…
For Chiara.
I just had to get to Austin.
“You sure you’re strong enough for this, darlin’?” Ally asked, and I nodded as Cass began to push me down the hallway to Austin’s momma’s room. Pausing outside the door, I nodded to Rome to open it.
Cass rolled me in, and I immediately saw Levi and Austin on either side of the bed, both distraught and each clutching their mamma’s limp hands as the doctor stood at the head of the bed.
Austin’s eyes shot to mine and his face contorted in pain. He slid off the bed and raced to me, kneeling on the floor, placing his head in my lap. Tiredly lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through his dark, messy hair.
“I don’t think I can do this, Pix,” he said through a thick throat.
Fighting back my own tears, I said, “Yes, you can, baby. You need to be strong.” As I looked up, I saw Levi at the side of his mamma’s narrow bed, looking completely lost as he sat there alone.
Holding out my hand, I smiled at Levi, who swallowed in response. “Come here, sweetie,” I said.
Levi took a hesitant step before stopping and asking, “Are… are you okay now, Lex? Are you still starving yourself? You look so thin…”
Resisting a laugh at his blunt words, I whispered, “I will be, sweetie. I will be…”
Levi then gripped onto my hand as though I were his source of strength, his fingers shaking against mine.
Austin lifted his head when the doctor cleared his throat. “Austin, Levi, your mamma’s heart rate is slowing now. It’s time to say good-bye.”
