Sweetest Venom
Page 61
A second or an eternity passes by before Lawrence lets go of my neck and pulls out of me as though my skin were burning him. He pushes himself off of me and sags against the seat, a shudder running through his body. His face pale, he watches me with bleak eyes as I sit up and bring my hands to my neck and try to suck in as much air as possible. My lungs burn but my body sings with the memory of his cruel touch.
“That was very foolish of you, Blaire. Don’t ever provoke me again.” He runs a hand that shakes a little through his hair. “But if this is how you want to be treated, Blaire, so be it. I don’t give a damn.”
Once I’m dressed, I turn to gaze out the window and close my eyes as I feel my eyes burn with tears that won’t fall.
What have I done?
A small, mocking voice inside my head answers my own question. “What you’re best at, of course. Destroying everything around you.”
I’m sitting on the cold, unmade bed as I watch the sunrise through the glass windows of Lawrence’s bedroom. Clasping my arms tighter around my legs, I recline my head on my knees. As the rays cast their warm light on the floor and push the darkness away, I wish that I could disappear along with them. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t be able to poison and kill beautiful things anymore.
I think of Ronan and his sweet smile when I first met him, and then I see the man from last night. So cold. So hardened. So full of hate. And I know that it’s my fault. I destroyed him and his beauty.
I think of Lawrence and how he looked at me and kissed me on the dance floor, offering himself to me. And what did I do? I took his offering and shattered it in my hands, feasting on his pain.
But the morning light has brought crystal clear clarity. And with it a slow, all-consuming realization that I can’t continue living this kind of life, hurting the people who least deserve it—I can’t. Lawrence deserves better. I know what I must do to atone for my sins, to purge the evil inside me once and for all. I close my eyes and bask in the peace of knowing that the end is near, even as I try to suppress the pain threatening to consume me from within.
I get dressed with the few clothes that Lawrence’s money didn’t buy and go in search of him. After we’d returned from the masquerade, he stormed off into his library while he instructed the staff of the house not to bother him for the rest of the night. Standing outside the room, I take a deep breath and open the door without bothering to knock. He lifts his head and looks in my direction. His gaze instantly finds me. It’s a simple action but when our eyes lock and I’m able to see the naked pain in his, I feel the earth shake beneath my unsure feet.
I take an unsteady step toward him. “Lawrence … I—”
“I must say that I’m surprised to find you still here. I would’ve imagined that you’d be on your knees doing what you do best with that boy by now.” He puts the book in his hands down on the coffee table next to him. His lips flatten, his tone contemptuous. “What do you want?”
“I came to say good-bye. I’m leaving.”
“Then leave. No one’s stopping you.”
Flinching, his words whip me raw, but I deserve his anger and hate. Shame paints red flags on my cheeks. “I know that anything I say right now won’t be apology enough for the way I treated you last night.” My throat suddenly feels constricted. “Of how I truly feel about you. But I’d like to explain why—”
“Enough!” He stands up and moves to stand by the window to look out onto the street, burying his hands in the front pockets of his pants. “I’ve had enough of your lies to last me a lifetime, Blaire. You don’t have to put up an act for me anymore.” He clenches his jaw, “And if it’s your money you’re worried about—don’t give it another thought. It’s yours. I don’t want it.”
“That was very foolish of you, Blaire. Don’t ever provoke me again.” He runs a hand that shakes a little through his hair. “But if this is how you want to be treated, Blaire, so be it. I don’t give a damn.”
Once I’m dressed, I turn to gaze out the window and close my eyes as I feel my eyes burn with tears that won’t fall.
What have I done?
A small, mocking voice inside my head answers my own question. “What you’re best at, of course. Destroying everything around you.”
I’m sitting on the cold, unmade bed as I watch the sunrise through the glass windows of Lawrence’s bedroom. Clasping my arms tighter around my legs, I recline my head on my knees. As the rays cast their warm light on the floor and push the darkness away, I wish that I could disappear along with them. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t be able to poison and kill beautiful things anymore.
I think of Ronan and his sweet smile when I first met him, and then I see the man from last night. So cold. So hardened. So full of hate. And I know that it’s my fault. I destroyed him and his beauty.
I think of Lawrence and how he looked at me and kissed me on the dance floor, offering himself to me. And what did I do? I took his offering and shattered it in my hands, feasting on his pain.
But the morning light has brought crystal clear clarity. And with it a slow, all-consuming realization that I can’t continue living this kind of life, hurting the people who least deserve it—I can’t. Lawrence deserves better. I know what I must do to atone for my sins, to purge the evil inside me once and for all. I close my eyes and bask in the peace of knowing that the end is near, even as I try to suppress the pain threatening to consume me from within.
I get dressed with the few clothes that Lawrence’s money didn’t buy and go in search of him. After we’d returned from the masquerade, he stormed off into his library while he instructed the staff of the house not to bother him for the rest of the night. Standing outside the room, I take a deep breath and open the door without bothering to knock. He lifts his head and looks in my direction. His gaze instantly finds me. It’s a simple action but when our eyes lock and I’m able to see the naked pain in his, I feel the earth shake beneath my unsure feet.
I take an unsteady step toward him. “Lawrence … I—”
“I must say that I’m surprised to find you still here. I would’ve imagined that you’d be on your knees doing what you do best with that boy by now.” He puts the book in his hands down on the coffee table next to him. His lips flatten, his tone contemptuous. “What do you want?”
“I came to say good-bye. I’m leaving.”
“Then leave. No one’s stopping you.”
Flinching, his words whip me raw, but I deserve his anger and hate. Shame paints red flags on my cheeks. “I know that anything I say right now won’t be apology enough for the way I treated you last night.” My throat suddenly feels constricted. “Of how I truly feel about you. But I’d like to explain why—”
“Enough!” He stands up and moves to stand by the window to look out onto the street, burying his hands in the front pockets of his pants. “I’ve had enough of your lies to last me a lifetime, Blaire. You don’t have to put up an act for me anymore.” He clenches his jaw, “And if it’s your money you’re worried about—don’t give it another thought. It’s yours. I don’t want it.”
