Sweetest Venom
Page 92
I walk to the window and stare at the skyline with unseen eyes. Where has all the light gone? With my back facing Jackie, I hug myself as though I could ward off myself from the truth in her words, from the pain that they inflict, but it’s of no use. She’s right. I’m being selfish by agreeing to his plan. “Even if I lie to him—” My voice falters, but I pull myself together. “He won’t believe me. He won’t let me go. Not this time.”
“Make him believe you, Blaire. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
“Why is happiness always so fleeting?”
“I’m sorry. Did you say something?”
“Nothing important,” I say numbly, tightening my arms around me, suddenly very cold. Hold it together, Blaire. Just for a few minutes longer. “I think you should go.”
She’s silent for a moment. “Can I count on your word that you’ll leave my brother alone?”
I can’t answer that. The words get stuck in my throat, in my heart, in the core of my soul. My chest implodes with pain.
“Listen, Blaire,” I hear her say, and for once there are no traces of dislike in her voice. Only resignation and defeat. “This has been his dream since he was a little boy. Don’t let him give it all up for a few months away playing house with you.” She places an envelope on my coffee table. “This is an invitation to his exhibition at The Jackson next week. Take a look at it and maybe then you’ll know what is the right thing to do.”
I look back and watch as the door closes behind Jackie before taking the invitation in my hands.
Suddenly an idea comes over me that fills me with a brief but dazzling hope. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe …
Without stopping to think, I pick up my phone and give Ronan a call. He answers right away.
“What’s up, babe? Finished packing?”
“Not yet. Ronan … I was thinking, maybe we shouldn’t go just yet. What’s another week? We could stay for your exhibit and then—”
He sighs. “Babe, I thought we already went over this.”
“But—”
“No. I don’t want any of it. I want you. Just you. Anyway, I just got to Carl’s. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at the hotel. Love you.”
After hanging up, I stare numbly at the elegant writing on the expensive paper. As Jackie’s words beat me down over and over again, I think of Ronan and our future together. I know that Ronan said that he doesn’t care about the exhibit and how close he is to achieving his dream, but will he still feel the same way when he’s starting all over again, struggling between jobs? Could I look Ronan in the eye and live with myself knowing that I stopped his career because I was selfish?
I’ve lived all my life thinking about no one but myself. My needs and my wants. I never once stopped to consider the consequences of my actions. And because of that, I’ve hurt so many people.
But I can’t do that anymore.
Least of all to Ronan.
I love him too much to let him sacrifice his dreams for me.
I stand by the door and take one last look at my apartment. Every memory, happy and sad and somewhere in between, will remain behind. I need them to stay here, if I am to survive the next few hours, the next few days, the next few months, the next few years—the rest of my life. I must try. I must try for him.
I press a hand to my chest, making sure that my heart is still beating. It feels broken past remedy. But it does. It beats. It beats for him.
It always will.
Ronan
About an hour late, I arrive at the hotel. It took a little longer than I expected to explain to Carl that I wasn’t going to be part of the exhibit. The man wasn’t happy. But he mellowed when I mentioned that he could keep all the photographs and sell them for however much money he wanted. As I was leaving, he told me that I was a fool to throw it all away for a woman. I laughed, not at him, but because life was so fucking sweet. I looked him in the eye and said that I would rather be a fool than to live a life without her in it, and then I left.
“Make him believe you, Blaire. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
“Why is happiness always so fleeting?”
“I’m sorry. Did you say something?”
“Nothing important,” I say numbly, tightening my arms around me, suddenly very cold. Hold it together, Blaire. Just for a few minutes longer. “I think you should go.”
She’s silent for a moment. “Can I count on your word that you’ll leave my brother alone?”
I can’t answer that. The words get stuck in my throat, in my heart, in the core of my soul. My chest implodes with pain.
“Listen, Blaire,” I hear her say, and for once there are no traces of dislike in her voice. Only resignation and defeat. “This has been his dream since he was a little boy. Don’t let him give it all up for a few months away playing house with you.” She places an envelope on my coffee table. “This is an invitation to his exhibition at The Jackson next week. Take a look at it and maybe then you’ll know what is the right thing to do.”
I look back and watch as the door closes behind Jackie before taking the invitation in my hands.
Suddenly an idea comes over me that fills me with a brief but dazzling hope. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe …
Without stopping to think, I pick up my phone and give Ronan a call. He answers right away.
“What’s up, babe? Finished packing?”
“Not yet. Ronan … I was thinking, maybe we shouldn’t go just yet. What’s another week? We could stay for your exhibit and then—”
He sighs. “Babe, I thought we already went over this.”
“But—”
“No. I don’t want any of it. I want you. Just you. Anyway, I just got to Carl’s. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at the hotel. Love you.”
After hanging up, I stare numbly at the elegant writing on the expensive paper. As Jackie’s words beat me down over and over again, I think of Ronan and our future together. I know that Ronan said that he doesn’t care about the exhibit and how close he is to achieving his dream, but will he still feel the same way when he’s starting all over again, struggling between jobs? Could I look Ronan in the eye and live with myself knowing that I stopped his career because I was selfish?
I’ve lived all my life thinking about no one but myself. My needs and my wants. I never once stopped to consider the consequences of my actions. And because of that, I’ve hurt so many people.
But I can’t do that anymore.
Least of all to Ronan.
I love him too much to let him sacrifice his dreams for me.
I stand by the door and take one last look at my apartment. Every memory, happy and sad and somewhere in between, will remain behind. I need them to stay here, if I am to survive the next few hours, the next few days, the next few months, the next few years—the rest of my life. I must try. I must try for him.
I press a hand to my chest, making sure that my heart is still beating. It feels broken past remedy. But it does. It beats. It beats for him.
It always will.
Ronan
About an hour late, I arrive at the hotel. It took a little longer than I expected to explain to Carl that I wasn’t going to be part of the exhibit. The man wasn’t happy. But he mellowed when I mentioned that he could keep all the photographs and sell them for however much money he wanted. As I was leaving, he told me that I was a fool to throw it all away for a woman. I laughed, not at him, but because life was so fucking sweet. I looked him in the eye and said that I would rather be a fool than to live a life without her in it, and then I left.
