Take a Bow
Page 20
I knew I was a wreck. I hadn’t slept in days, my hair was a mess, I hadn’t shaved, my clothes were wrinkled and dirty.
“No,” I told them. “Kelsey and I broke up.”
Nobody said anything.
“For real this time. I screwed up. What a shock, Ethan screwed up. I told her everything that happened after last week’s gig. About that girl. Whose name I can’t even remember. I’m devastated. I threw away everything for someone whose name I don’t even remember. I shouldn’t have had those drinks before the gig. I just needed to get some courage. It was our biggest gig ever, you know?”
More silence.
“What? Am I missing something?”
They all exchanged glances. Ben finally was the one to speak. “Well, I mean, it isn’t the first time you guys have broken up. Or the first time you cheated …”
Jack broke in. “Yeah, like every song you write is about it.”
“But we’re really done this time. There’s no way she’s going to take me back.”
Ben sighed. “Doesn’t she always?”
Emme let out a laugh. “Yeah, but she shouldn’t.”
“Oh! Burn!” Jack went to put his hand up to give Emme a high five, but she shrugged instead.
“I’m sorry, is this funny?” I couldn’t believe that, out of everyone, Emme would take Kelsey’s side in this.
“No, not at all.” Emme rubbed her eyes. “It’s not funny. It’s exhausting, Ethan. We go through this all the time. So just write your forgiveness song so we can move on.”
“Like it’s that simple? Emme, really? How can you be so cold to me?”
Emme’s face got flushed. “Get over yourself, Ethan.”
“What?”
She got up. “How can I be so cold? Am I the one who continually cheats on my girlfriend? That’s cold.”
I stared at her. I’d never heard her say anything negative about anybody. Ever. Did she really think that about me?
“You know what gets me? You really are an amazing person, seriously. I used to respect you so much.”
The words used to stung.
“You’re one of my closest friends, but when I think about the stuff you do … sometimes I don’t know why I trust you so much. I’ve never met anybody who hurts someone as much as you do. And now you’ve started drinking and doing God knows what before our shows. You’ve become so unpredictable onstage, we never know what you’re going to do.”
This riled me up. “Okay, so first I’m too quiet, now I’m too unpredictable. Can I ever do anything right?”
“Don’t blame your behavior on us. Take responsibility for once.”
“This isn’t easy for me, you know.”
Emme got in my face. “I’ll make it easy for you. STOP CHEATING.”
We were all surprised by Emme screaming. Jack, who is always smiling, looked stunned.
“Just STOP IT. Oh, you don’t know how you can get her back? STOP CHEATING, Ethan! It’s not that hard. Really, it isn’t. Or, better yet, stop getting back together and making promises you can’t keep.”
I tried to defend myself, but came up blank.
“You want to know what I think?” Emme asked.
Normally, the answer would have been yes, but not at that moment.
“You do this to yourself, put your finger repeatedly on the self-destruct button because you need it to write. It would be fine if you weren’t bringing others down with you. Have you for once thought about how it must feel for Kelsey? All you do is think about yourself, what a mess you’re in. Your pain. But what about Kelsey? The one YOU cheat on? She probably agonizes every time she can’t come to one of our shows, because of what happens when she doesn’t come. You CHEAT. You take whatever girl comes along and pays you a compliment and you forget about Kelsey.
“But lately that hasn’t been enough, has it? You need more things to feel sorry for yourself about, so you go get drunk. It’s like you’re afraid of being alone or coherent so you can deal with whatever is the real problem you have. And I feel sorry for you about that. But only for that. For the rest of the stuff, I’m just sick of it.
“We all are. So just figure it out, because I can’t do this anymore if you’re going to continue to be like this.”
I looked around to see Jack and Ben nodding.
“Honestly, Ethan, I don’t know who you are anymore. But whoever this is, I don’t like him very much.”
I didn’t know how to react or what to say. I still don’t. All I do know is that it has been weeks and it’s still awkward. We both stare at each other. Once again, there’s tension between us.
“You really did hurt me,” I say. “But I needed to hear it. You were right, and I think I’ve been better. Or at least I’ve tried to be.”
She nods.
“I’m not falling into my old traps. I’m not making any promises I can’t keep. I’m not drinking or doing anything that affects the band on or off the stage in a negative way.”
She keeps nodding.
“You said what you had to say because you care about me. So that’s what I’m doing now. Sort of returning the favor.”
Emme looks up at me for the first time. “What does any of this have to do with Carter?”
“It doesn’t. It has to do with the senior project.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what she thought I was going to say, but that certainly wasn’t it.
“No,” I told them. “Kelsey and I broke up.”
Nobody said anything.
“For real this time. I screwed up. What a shock, Ethan screwed up. I told her everything that happened after last week’s gig. About that girl. Whose name I can’t even remember. I’m devastated. I threw away everything for someone whose name I don’t even remember. I shouldn’t have had those drinks before the gig. I just needed to get some courage. It was our biggest gig ever, you know?”
More silence.
“What? Am I missing something?”
They all exchanged glances. Ben finally was the one to speak. “Well, I mean, it isn’t the first time you guys have broken up. Or the first time you cheated …”
Jack broke in. “Yeah, like every song you write is about it.”
“But we’re really done this time. There’s no way she’s going to take me back.”
Ben sighed. “Doesn’t she always?”
Emme let out a laugh. “Yeah, but she shouldn’t.”
“Oh! Burn!” Jack went to put his hand up to give Emme a high five, but she shrugged instead.
“I’m sorry, is this funny?” I couldn’t believe that, out of everyone, Emme would take Kelsey’s side in this.
“No, not at all.” Emme rubbed her eyes. “It’s not funny. It’s exhausting, Ethan. We go through this all the time. So just write your forgiveness song so we can move on.”
“Like it’s that simple? Emme, really? How can you be so cold to me?”
Emme’s face got flushed. “Get over yourself, Ethan.”
“What?”
She got up. “How can I be so cold? Am I the one who continually cheats on my girlfriend? That’s cold.”
I stared at her. I’d never heard her say anything negative about anybody. Ever. Did she really think that about me?
“You know what gets me? You really are an amazing person, seriously. I used to respect you so much.”
The words used to stung.
“You’re one of my closest friends, but when I think about the stuff you do … sometimes I don’t know why I trust you so much. I’ve never met anybody who hurts someone as much as you do. And now you’ve started drinking and doing God knows what before our shows. You’ve become so unpredictable onstage, we never know what you’re going to do.”
This riled me up. “Okay, so first I’m too quiet, now I’m too unpredictable. Can I ever do anything right?”
“Don’t blame your behavior on us. Take responsibility for once.”
“This isn’t easy for me, you know.”
Emme got in my face. “I’ll make it easy for you. STOP CHEATING.”
We were all surprised by Emme screaming. Jack, who is always smiling, looked stunned.
“Just STOP IT. Oh, you don’t know how you can get her back? STOP CHEATING, Ethan! It’s not that hard. Really, it isn’t. Or, better yet, stop getting back together and making promises you can’t keep.”
I tried to defend myself, but came up blank.
“You want to know what I think?” Emme asked.
Normally, the answer would have been yes, but not at that moment.
“You do this to yourself, put your finger repeatedly on the self-destruct button because you need it to write. It would be fine if you weren’t bringing others down with you. Have you for once thought about how it must feel for Kelsey? All you do is think about yourself, what a mess you’re in. Your pain. But what about Kelsey? The one YOU cheat on? She probably agonizes every time she can’t come to one of our shows, because of what happens when she doesn’t come. You CHEAT. You take whatever girl comes along and pays you a compliment and you forget about Kelsey.
“But lately that hasn’t been enough, has it? You need more things to feel sorry for yourself about, so you go get drunk. It’s like you’re afraid of being alone or coherent so you can deal with whatever is the real problem you have. And I feel sorry for you about that. But only for that. For the rest of the stuff, I’m just sick of it.
“We all are. So just figure it out, because I can’t do this anymore if you’re going to continue to be like this.”
I looked around to see Jack and Ben nodding.
“Honestly, Ethan, I don’t know who you are anymore. But whoever this is, I don’t like him very much.”
I didn’t know how to react or what to say. I still don’t. All I do know is that it has been weeks and it’s still awkward. We both stare at each other. Once again, there’s tension between us.
“You really did hurt me,” I say. “But I needed to hear it. You were right, and I think I’ve been better. Or at least I’ve tried to be.”
She nods.
“I’m not falling into my old traps. I’m not making any promises I can’t keep. I’m not drinking or doing anything that affects the band on or off the stage in a negative way.”
She keeps nodding.
“You said what you had to say because you care about me. So that’s what I’m doing now. Sort of returning the favor.”
Emme looks up at me for the first time. “What does any of this have to do with Carter?”
“It doesn’t. It has to do with the senior project.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what she thought I was going to say, but that certainly wasn’t it.
