The Distance Between Us
Page 29
“Our place is really small. I don’t know how comfortable you’ll be there. I’m sure you’re used to much bigger.”
Sean throws his hands up. “She thinks we’re spoiled, Viv. We can’t have that.”
“Stop,” Vivian says. “We’ll be fine either way, honey. What would you prefer?”
I’d prefer they stay at a hotel but that sounds so rude and maybe company would be nice. “You can stay with me; that’s fine.”
As we walk to the parking lot Sean clears his throat. “So Xander Spence, huh? He’s a little too pretty for my taste, but he’s from good stock.”
“It’s not about your taste, thank goodness,” Vivian chimes in. “He seems like a really nice boy.”
“We’re not together.”
“Oh. We just assumed because of last night.”
“Things happened. It’s fine.” So this is what having grandparents is about? More people to give you dating advice?
Vivian puts an arm around me. “I didn’t want to say it, but he’s too pretty for my taste, too, honey.”
My automatic defend-Xander-at-all-cost side comes out and I say, “Once you get to know him he’s . . .” I stop myself. I don’t need to defend Xander anymore.
Vivian gives my shoulder a squeeze. “It’s been a long twenty-four hours, hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
I can tell they think the apartment is small. Especially when Sean opens the hall closet door thinking it’s going to lead into another section of the house and has to stop with a jerk.
“It’s plenty for the two of us and you know we have the whole doll store downstairs, so when it gets too cramped up here, we have room to spread out.”
I don’t know her well enough, but it seems as though Vivian feels guilty for the way we live. But I meant what I said: sure our house is small, especially when compared to what others have, but growing up, I never felt deprived. I was always happy. It seems only lately I’ve started seeing everything I didn’t have.
Vivian insists on shopping and comes home with more food than we’ll be able to eat in a month. She puts herself to work finding a home for everything she bought. Then the dreaded questions start.
“So you said you’re a senior, right?”
I nod.
“So what are you going to study next year?” Sean asks innocently as he reads the label of a can of corn Vivian had bought. It’s obvious he’s avoiding eye contact because what else would be in a can of corn besides corn? Does he somehow know this is a bad subject for me?
“I’m not—” I start to say, “I’m not sure,” but I can’t. Not because I’m embarrassed to admit it or because I need to help in the store. After discovering all the empty boxes in the back last night, I realize I haven’t been much help at all. My mom has to figure out what the store needs and me hovering is not going to help. I need to move forward. “I’m going to study science. I’m not sure where yet.”
“What are you going to do with a science degree? Are you interested in medicine?”
“No, I think crime-scene investigation. But I don’t know yet.”
“That’s a great field to do undergraduate work in. You can go in so many directions from there. The options are limitless, really.”
I nod. “Yes, they are.”
The phone rings and I pick it up quickly, thinking it might be my mom or the doctor. But it’s a man. “Is Susan in?”
“No. She’s not. Can I leave her a message?”
“Can you tell her Matthew called?”
“Matthew. No. I mean, yes, I can, but she’s in the hospital.”
He lets out a scoffing laugh that catches me off-guard. “Is that her excuse this time?”
“What?”
“Listen, tell your mom that if she pays her bills I’ll stop calling her.”
“Are you a bill collector?”
Sean looks at me.
“Have her call me.”
Sean gestures for me to give him the phone and I do. He walks out the door, shutting it behind him. It is nice to have backup.
Chapter 40
My mom grips my hand tightly.
“The doctor said it’s just standard procedure, Mom. No need to be nervous.”
“But you haven’t been sarcastic with me all morning. You think this is serious.”
I laugh. “I’m just too tired to be sarcastic, plus your dad is making me feel so unoriginal.”
She smiles. “Do you like them?”
“Yes.” It’s all I can say. Now is not the time to rehash how she shouldn’t have lied to me my whole life. My grandparents are definitely not the monsters she painted them to be. I’ve just barely managed to keep the anger from spilling out.
“I know,” she says, seeming to read my mind. “I stole them from you. I made the decision for myself, but I had no right to make it for you. I’m so sorry.”
I squeeze her hand. “We’ll make up the time when you’re all better. So stop playing sick already. If you wanted your parents back you could’ve done something less dramatic.”
She smiles. “So I’m not going to die.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, kid.”
Sean and Vivian had already talked to my mom so I take the elevator downstairs to join them in the waiting room. When I round the corner I see they aren’t alone. I recognize the back of Xander immediately, if by nothing else than his extremely good posture. If Vivian didn’t look at me when I came in, I could’ve backed out without him seeing me, but her look makes him turn. My heart stammers in my chest. I back out anyway and walk toward the front of the hospital and out into the cold day. The leafless trees that line the parking lot look black against the white sky.
“Caymen,” he calls. “Wait. Please.”
I stop on a patch of yellowing grass and face him. “What?”
“I almost forgot how insecure your stare can make a person.”
I wait for him to explain why he’s here.
“Okay. I guess I have the floor.” He takes a deep breath. “This is me facing failure. This is me putting everything on the line even though I know I might lose. And I’m terrified.”
I swallow hard, fighting the instinct I have to comfort him.
“But like you said, anything worth having is worth the risk.” He looks at the grass then back up again, almost like he prepared a speech and this is the start of it. “I’m so sorry. That night. The night of the benefit. I was stupid. I didn’t know you didn’t know your grandparents. And then what Robert said . . .”
“Robert?” The memory of Robert that night hits my mind with a jolt. I had forgotten about him in all the other things that had happened. “I didn’t . . . Mason and I were never together. . . .”
“I know. Skye explained. It caught me off-guard, and I thought that’s why you were running away. Because you were guilty. But Robert is a jerk. I don’t know why I believed him for a second. I should have run after you to make sure you were okay. We were okay.”
It’s true. Robert is a jerk.
He looks down at his hands then uses them to rake his fingers through his hair, looking less composed than I’ve ever seen him look. “I understand you were in shock about seeing grandparents you’ve never seen before, but why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”
“You were dating me because I’m rich.”
“What?”
“And you can deny it all you want, but we’ll never know one way or the other whether it’s true or not. Because you can’t unknow it.”
“I found out less than a month ago about your grandparents. My grandmother told me. I didn’t know at first.”
“You can’t unknow it,” I say again.
“But . . .” He wrinkles his nose and then looks up in frustration at the sky.
“But what?”
“Don’t hate me for saying this, but . . . you’re not rich. I’ve seen how you live, and when I found out about your grandparents I thought that maybe your mom wanted to make sure you saw how the other half lives or whatever to give you perspective. But when I realized you didn’t even know your grandparents, when I found out you were seeing them for the first time at the benefit, then I knew you didn’t have money. Caymen. You are poor. And I still like you. A lot.”
I let out a laugh and he smiles. The way he’s inching forward, I can tell he’s ready to put this behind us. But I’m not quite ready. I still have questions. “But your cousin. She talked about the Cinderella complex and you didn’t even say a word.”
“My cousin is a spoiled brat and I have learned it’s best not to argue with her. But you’re right. I did a lot of things wrong that night. I should’ve stood up for my brother’s date. And you. I should’ve punched Robert so hard that he’d never want to say my name again, let alone use it to get him further ahead. I shouldn’t have let you leave. I should’ve driven you home. I should’ve screwed the benefit.”
“Don’t screw benefits.”
He stops suddenly, becoming very still. I’m confused. I was sure he was coming to some sort of powerful conclusion that I really want him to make. Something that’ll make me say, “It’s okay. Love conquers all.” But instead he offers me his lower-lip-biting smile and I almost rush into his arms. For the first time since I walked away from him the other night my heart feels whole.
“Why are you smiling like you’ve won or something?”
“Because you were just sarcastic with me. ‘Don’t screw benefits,’ you said. You’re sarcastic when you’re in a good mood. And if you’re in a good mood then you must not be too incredibly angry with me.”
“You and my mom. You think you have my patterns of sarcasm down, huh?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sarcastic all the time, Xander, good mood or not, so there’s no need to draw up a chart or anything.”
He gives an airy laugh. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you?”
I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath. There it is. The line that makes me want to forgive him. “How did you know I was here? How did you find out about my mom?” I hold my breath. The answer to this question seems so important to me. Did he decide to come find me after he found out about my mom or before? I so need the answer to be “before.”
“Well, when I called the doll store yesterday and Skye wouldn’t let me talk to you—”
“I thought Skye called you,” I interrupted.
“No, I called you and Skye answered, and all she wanted was your grandparents’ information. I begged her to let me talk to you but she wouldn’t. So I went to the doll store and it was closed. That made me nervous. I’d never seen the store closed during the day before. So I went to that antique store next door to look for Skye, find out what was going on. She wasn’t there, but the owner lady, who I think might be a little crazy, by the way—”
“We use the word ‘eccentric’ but either one works.”
“She told me about your mom. She wasn’t sure which hospital she was at, so I started at Community and then came here.” He takes one step forward and gives me his secret weapon of a smile yet again. “Can we hug yet?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for my answer, just pulls me up against him. I don’t fight it and wrap my arms around his waist. Silent tears trail down my face and I relax into him. I needed him.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“What was that? I didn’t hear you.”
“Don’t push me.”
Sean throws his hands up. “She thinks we’re spoiled, Viv. We can’t have that.”
“Stop,” Vivian says. “We’ll be fine either way, honey. What would you prefer?”
I’d prefer they stay at a hotel but that sounds so rude and maybe company would be nice. “You can stay with me; that’s fine.”
As we walk to the parking lot Sean clears his throat. “So Xander Spence, huh? He’s a little too pretty for my taste, but he’s from good stock.”
“It’s not about your taste, thank goodness,” Vivian chimes in. “He seems like a really nice boy.”
“We’re not together.”
“Oh. We just assumed because of last night.”
“Things happened. It’s fine.” So this is what having grandparents is about? More people to give you dating advice?
Vivian puts an arm around me. “I didn’t want to say it, but he’s too pretty for my taste, too, honey.”
My automatic defend-Xander-at-all-cost side comes out and I say, “Once you get to know him he’s . . .” I stop myself. I don’t need to defend Xander anymore.
Vivian gives my shoulder a squeeze. “It’s been a long twenty-four hours, hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
I can tell they think the apartment is small. Especially when Sean opens the hall closet door thinking it’s going to lead into another section of the house and has to stop with a jerk.
“It’s plenty for the two of us and you know we have the whole doll store downstairs, so when it gets too cramped up here, we have room to spread out.”
I don’t know her well enough, but it seems as though Vivian feels guilty for the way we live. But I meant what I said: sure our house is small, especially when compared to what others have, but growing up, I never felt deprived. I was always happy. It seems only lately I’ve started seeing everything I didn’t have.
Vivian insists on shopping and comes home with more food than we’ll be able to eat in a month. She puts herself to work finding a home for everything she bought. Then the dreaded questions start.
“So you said you’re a senior, right?”
I nod.
“So what are you going to study next year?” Sean asks innocently as he reads the label of a can of corn Vivian had bought. It’s obvious he’s avoiding eye contact because what else would be in a can of corn besides corn? Does he somehow know this is a bad subject for me?
“I’m not—” I start to say, “I’m not sure,” but I can’t. Not because I’m embarrassed to admit it or because I need to help in the store. After discovering all the empty boxes in the back last night, I realize I haven’t been much help at all. My mom has to figure out what the store needs and me hovering is not going to help. I need to move forward. “I’m going to study science. I’m not sure where yet.”
“What are you going to do with a science degree? Are you interested in medicine?”
“No, I think crime-scene investigation. But I don’t know yet.”
“That’s a great field to do undergraduate work in. You can go in so many directions from there. The options are limitless, really.”
I nod. “Yes, they are.”
The phone rings and I pick it up quickly, thinking it might be my mom or the doctor. But it’s a man. “Is Susan in?”
“No. She’s not. Can I leave her a message?”
“Can you tell her Matthew called?”
“Matthew. No. I mean, yes, I can, but she’s in the hospital.”
He lets out a scoffing laugh that catches me off-guard. “Is that her excuse this time?”
“What?”
“Listen, tell your mom that if she pays her bills I’ll stop calling her.”
“Are you a bill collector?”
Sean looks at me.
“Have her call me.”
Sean gestures for me to give him the phone and I do. He walks out the door, shutting it behind him. It is nice to have backup.
Chapter 40
My mom grips my hand tightly.
“The doctor said it’s just standard procedure, Mom. No need to be nervous.”
“But you haven’t been sarcastic with me all morning. You think this is serious.”
I laugh. “I’m just too tired to be sarcastic, plus your dad is making me feel so unoriginal.”
She smiles. “Do you like them?”
“Yes.” It’s all I can say. Now is not the time to rehash how she shouldn’t have lied to me my whole life. My grandparents are definitely not the monsters she painted them to be. I’ve just barely managed to keep the anger from spilling out.
“I know,” she says, seeming to read my mind. “I stole them from you. I made the decision for myself, but I had no right to make it for you. I’m so sorry.”
I squeeze her hand. “We’ll make up the time when you’re all better. So stop playing sick already. If you wanted your parents back you could’ve done something less dramatic.”
She smiles. “So I’m not going to die.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, kid.”
Sean and Vivian had already talked to my mom so I take the elevator downstairs to join them in the waiting room. When I round the corner I see they aren’t alone. I recognize the back of Xander immediately, if by nothing else than his extremely good posture. If Vivian didn’t look at me when I came in, I could’ve backed out without him seeing me, but her look makes him turn. My heart stammers in my chest. I back out anyway and walk toward the front of the hospital and out into the cold day. The leafless trees that line the parking lot look black against the white sky.
“Caymen,” he calls. “Wait. Please.”
I stop on a patch of yellowing grass and face him. “What?”
“I almost forgot how insecure your stare can make a person.”
I wait for him to explain why he’s here.
“Okay. I guess I have the floor.” He takes a deep breath. “This is me facing failure. This is me putting everything on the line even though I know I might lose. And I’m terrified.”
I swallow hard, fighting the instinct I have to comfort him.
“But like you said, anything worth having is worth the risk.” He looks at the grass then back up again, almost like he prepared a speech and this is the start of it. “I’m so sorry. That night. The night of the benefit. I was stupid. I didn’t know you didn’t know your grandparents. And then what Robert said . . .”
“Robert?” The memory of Robert that night hits my mind with a jolt. I had forgotten about him in all the other things that had happened. “I didn’t . . . Mason and I were never together. . . .”
“I know. Skye explained. It caught me off-guard, and I thought that’s why you were running away. Because you were guilty. But Robert is a jerk. I don’t know why I believed him for a second. I should have run after you to make sure you were okay. We were okay.”
It’s true. Robert is a jerk.
He looks down at his hands then uses them to rake his fingers through his hair, looking less composed than I’ve ever seen him look. “I understand you were in shock about seeing grandparents you’ve never seen before, but why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”
“You were dating me because I’m rich.”
“What?”
“And you can deny it all you want, but we’ll never know one way or the other whether it’s true or not. Because you can’t unknow it.”
“I found out less than a month ago about your grandparents. My grandmother told me. I didn’t know at first.”
“You can’t unknow it,” I say again.
“But . . .” He wrinkles his nose and then looks up in frustration at the sky.
“But what?”
“Don’t hate me for saying this, but . . . you’re not rich. I’ve seen how you live, and when I found out about your grandparents I thought that maybe your mom wanted to make sure you saw how the other half lives or whatever to give you perspective. But when I realized you didn’t even know your grandparents, when I found out you were seeing them for the first time at the benefit, then I knew you didn’t have money. Caymen. You are poor. And I still like you. A lot.”
I let out a laugh and he smiles. The way he’s inching forward, I can tell he’s ready to put this behind us. But I’m not quite ready. I still have questions. “But your cousin. She talked about the Cinderella complex and you didn’t even say a word.”
“My cousin is a spoiled brat and I have learned it’s best not to argue with her. But you’re right. I did a lot of things wrong that night. I should’ve stood up for my brother’s date. And you. I should’ve punched Robert so hard that he’d never want to say my name again, let alone use it to get him further ahead. I shouldn’t have let you leave. I should’ve driven you home. I should’ve screwed the benefit.”
“Don’t screw benefits.”
He stops suddenly, becoming very still. I’m confused. I was sure he was coming to some sort of powerful conclusion that I really want him to make. Something that’ll make me say, “It’s okay. Love conquers all.” But instead he offers me his lower-lip-biting smile and I almost rush into his arms. For the first time since I walked away from him the other night my heart feels whole.
“Why are you smiling like you’ve won or something?”
“Because you were just sarcastic with me. ‘Don’t screw benefits,’ you said. You’re sarcastic when you’re in a good mood. And if you’re in a good mood then you must not be too incredibly angry with me.”
“You and my mom. You think you have my patterns of sarcasm down, huh?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sarcastic all the time, Xander, good mood or not, so there’s no need to draw up a chart or anything.”
He gives an airy laugh. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you?”
I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath. There it is. The line that makes me want to forgive him. “How did you know I was here? How did you find out about my mom?” I hold my breath. The answer to this question seems so important to me. Did he decide to come find me after he found out about my mom or before? I so need the answer to be “before.”
“Well, when I called the doll store yesterday and Skye wouldn’t let me talk to you—”
“I thought Skye called you,” I interrupted.
“No, I called you and Skye answered, and all she wanted was your grandparents’ information. I begged her to let me talk to you but she wouldn’t. So I went to the doll store and it was closed. That made me nervous. I’d never seen the store closed during the day before. So I went to that antique store next door to look for Skye, find out what was going on. She wasn’t there, but the owner lady, who I think might be a little crazy, by the way—”
“We use the word ‘eccentric’ but either one works.”
“She told me about your mom. She wasn’t sure which hospital she was at, so I started at Community and then came here.” He takes one step forward and gives me his secret weapon of a smile yet again. “Can we hug yet?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for my answer, just pulls me up against him. I don’t fight it and wrap my arms around his waist. Silent tears trail down my face and I relax into him. I needed him.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“What was that? I didn’t hear you.”
“Don’t push me.”
