The Ending I Want
Page 94
“She had a brain tumor when she was sixteen. She knows the symptoms,” I tell her, my tone short.
I don’t why, but I don’t like Dr. March. Maybe it’s because she’s the one delivering the bad news. Whatever it is, she’s irritating the fuck out of me. I can feel my anger level rising.
“That would explain the scar tissue on her brain that also showed up on the MRI.” She looks me right in the eyes with an almost accusatory look in her own. “We couldn’t seem to locate any medical records for Taylor. She wasn’t showing in the system at all. Do you know why that is?”
“Didn’t she tell you? Taylor lives in America—Boston. She’s here, visiting.”
Completing her list.
“Taylor hasn’t really been telling us much.” Dr. March shifts on her feet again. “Only that she knew about the tumor, and…” She trails off, her eyes sweeping the floor.
My brows draw together. “And what?”
She swallows down, clearly uncomfortable. “Well…Taylor is saying that she doesn’t want any…treatment.”
“What?” The word comes out on a shocked breath. I feel the blood draining from my face.
She meets my stare. “Taylor is refusing treatment of any kind. She’s adamant that she doesn’t want surgery. She doesn’t want to get better. She wants to…” Her words fall off.
Her eyes sweep the floor again. The place where my heart now is.
“Die.” The word comes out of me on an agonized breath.
Her eyes meet mine. “Yes.”
God, Taylor, no. Why?
I try to pull in air, but I can’t seem to. I feel my body sway. Cam’s arm comes around my shoulders, holding me steady.
I feel like the walls are closing in around me.
My eyes shut against the absolute fucking agony the knowledge brings.
She wants to die.
“Taylor…said that?” Eddie says. His disbelief only mirrors a small part of what I’m feeling.
Shock, disbelief, fear, agony, and absolute fucking helplessness.
“Yes. Those were her exact words,” Dr. March says softly.
I open my eyes and look at Dr. March. “I don’t understand.” My voice is barely working.
Why, Taylor? Why?
I need to see her. Now.
“Neither do we.” She shifts her stance again. “Liam, are you sure that Taylor hasn’t said anything to you?”
She’s said everything, except for that.
“If she had, do you think I would be standing here, having this fucking conversation with you?” I yell.
Cam’s hand grips my shoulder where it still sits. I know he’s trying to calm me, but I don’t feel calm.
I feel like tearing this building apart until I find Taylor and force her to explain to me what the fuck she is thinking and then force her to have the surgery.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—” Dr. March starts.
I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “You said the tumor is operable?”
“Yes. As it is now. But the window of opportunity is narrowing. If the tumor is left any longer, it will go past the point of removal. Then, there will nothing we can do for her.”
There’s a chance. I just need to make Taylor change her mind.
But she wants to die.
I can’t comprehend it in my mind.
Taylor is amazing, so full of life. Her laugh alone is worth living for. She has so much to give the world.
Why would she want to give up on that?
Give up on life.
I have to make her see sense.
But what if you can’t? that small voice in the back of my mind says. What if nothing you say matters, and she dies anyway?
Someone doesn’t just make the decision to die lightly. She decided on this long before she met me.
She’s known this whole time.
I can’t even feel betrayed because I just feel afraid. So very fucking afraid.
I have to change her mind. Because I can’t see a world without her in it.
But I couldn’t even get her to stay in London with me. I wasn’t enough. So, how is what I say going to be enough to get her to save her own life?
Especially when I don’t know what’s going on in her mind, why she’s even doing this.
“Doctor, if Taylor…if I can’t get through to her and she continues to refuse treatment, is there any way you can do the surgery without her consent? Force her to have it done?”
I hate that I have to ask this, but I need to know what my options are before I go in and see her.
Because I won’t fucking lose Taylor.
I won’t just let her die. I will do whatever is necessary to keep her alive.
“Liam…” That’s Eddie.
I turn my face to him. The look on his face makes my hope drop to its knees, just like I want to.
“The hospital can only obtain a court order to enforce treatment if we believe someone isn’t of sound mind or if it’s a child.”
“Maybe she isn’t of sound mind.” I hate that I’m saying this, but I know tumors can affect people, change their personalities. “The tumor could be pressing on her brain, making her think and act differently than how she normally would. Making her think she wants to give up when she really doesn’t.”
I look at Dr. March. She would know. She’s the one treating Taylor.
But the expression on her face takes my hope from its knees and lays it flat on the floor.
“Behavioral changes are always a possibility with brain tumors…but, in Taylor’s case, I don’t think it is.” She shakes her head. “I believe Taylor to be of sound mind. She is lucid and very clear on what she wants. I am sorry.”
I don’t why, but I don’t like Dr. March. Maybe it’s because she’s the one delivering the bad news. Whatever it is, she’s irritating the fuck out of me. I can feel my anger level rising.
“That would explain the scar tissue on her brain that also showed up on the MRI.” She looks me right in the eyes with an almost accusatory look in her own. “We couldn’t seem to locate any medical records for Taylor. She wasn’t showing in the system at all. Do you know why that is?”
“Didn’t she tell you? Taylor lives in America—Boston. She’s here, visiting.”
Completing her list.
“Taylor hasn’t really been telling us much.” Dr. March shifts on her feet again. “Only that she knew about the tumor, and…” She trails off, her eyes sweeping the floor.
My brows draw together. “And what?”
She swallows down, clearly uncomfortable. “Well…Taylor is saying that she doesn’t want any…treatment.”
“What?” The word comes out on a shocked breath. I feel the blood draining from my face.
She meets my stare. “Taylor is refusing treatment of any kind. She’s adamant that she doesn’t want surgery. She doesn’t want to get better. She wants to…” Her words fall off.
Her eyes sweep the floor again. The place where my heart now is.
“Die.” The word comes out of me on an agonized breath.
Her eyes meet mine. “Yes.”
God, Taylor, no. Why?
I try to pull in air, but I can’t seem to. I feel my body sway. Cam’s arm comes around my shoulders, holding me steady.
I feel like the walls are closing in around me.
My eyes shut against the absolute fucking agony the knowledge brings.
She wants to die.
“Taylor…said that?” Eddie says. His disbelief only mirrors a small part of what I’m feeling.
Shock, disbelief, fear, agony, and absolute fucking helplessness.
“Yes. Those were her exact words,” Dr. March says softly.
I open my eyes and look at Dr. March. “I don’t understand.” My voice is barely working.
Why, Taylor? Why?
I need to see her. Now.
“Neither do we.” She shifts her stance again. “Liam, are you sure that Taylor hasn’t said anything to you?”
She’s said everything, except for that.
“If she had, do you think I would be standing here, having this fucking conversation with you?” I yell.
Cam’s hand grips my shoulder where it still sits. I know he’s trying to calm me, but I don’t feel calm.
I feel like tearing this building apart until I find Taylor and force her to explain to me what the fuck she is thinking and then force her to have the surgery.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—” Dr. March starts.
I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “You said the tumor is operable?”
“Yes. As it is now. But the window of opportunity is narrowing. If the tumor is left any longer, it will go past the point of removal. Then, there will nothing we can do for her.”
There’s a chance. I just need to make Taylor change her mind.
But she wants to die.
I can’t comprehend it in my mind.
Taylor is amazing, so full of life. Her laugh alone is worth living for. She has so much to give the world.
Why would she want to give up on that?
Give up on life.
I have to make her see sense.
But what if you can’t? that small voice in the back of my mind says. What if nothing you say matters, and she dies anyway?
Someone doesn’t just make the decision to die lightly. She decided on this long before she met me.
She’s known this whole time.
I can’t even feel betrayed because I just feel afraid. So very fucking afraid.
I have to change her mind. Because I can’t see a world without her in it.
But I couldn’t even get her to stay in London with me. I wasn’t enough. So, how is what I say going to be enough to get her to save her own life?
Especially when I don’t know what’s going on in her mind, why she’s even doing this.
“Doctor, if Taylor…if I can’t get through to her and she continues to refuse treatment, is there any way you can do the surgery without her consent? Force her to have it done?”
I hate that I have to ask this, but I need to know what my options are before I go in and see her.
Because I won’t fucking lose Taylor.
I won’t just let her die. I will do whatever is necessary to keep her alive.
“Liam…” That’s Eddie.
I turn my face to him. The look on his face makes my hope drop to its knees, just like I want to.
“The hospital can only obtain a court order to enforce treatment if we believe someone isn’t of sound mind or if it’s a child.”
“Maybe she isn’t of sound mind.” I hate that I’m saying this, but I know tumors can affect people, change their personalities. “The tumor could be pressing on her brain, making her think and act differently than how she normally would. Making her think she wants to give up when she really doesn’t.”
I look at Dr. March. She would know. She’s the one treating Taylor.
But the expression on her face takes my hope from its knees and lays it flat on the floor.
“Behavioral changes are always a possibility with brain tumors…but, in Taylor’s case, I don’t think it is.” She shakes her head. “I believe Taylor to be of sound mind. She is lucid and very clear on what she wants. I am sorry.”
