The Fire Between High & Lo
Page 27
I took my hands and cradled his face the way he held mine. “Logan. Don’t do this to yourself.” I could almost feel the blame he felt as his eyes spilled out with emotion. I nestled my head against his neck and my hot breaths melted against his skin. My hooded eyes were exhausted and I blinked a few times before closing them and muttering against his ear. “Don’t do this to yourself.” I couldn’t hate him. No matter what happened, hating Logan wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do, but loving him? That love was always going to be there. We’d figure out how to move on from the terrible tragic accident together. It was us against the world, we’d stand together.
“I’m leaving,” he said, pulling himself together, wiping his eyes dry.
I sat up, alarmed. “What?”
“I’m leaving. I’m going to a rehab clinic in Iowa.”
My eyes lit up with anticipation. Earlier Kellan told me about the rehabilitation clinic, and we both really hoped Logan would take the ninety-day course. It wouldn’t take away the pain that we were both suffering through, but it would help him learn to handle it in a better way. “This is good, Lo. This is good news. And then when you come back, we can start over again. We can be us again,” I swore.
He frowned, shaking his head. “I’m not coming back, High.”
“What?”
“When I leave True Falls, I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back to Wisconsin, ever, and I’m never coming back here.”
I slightly pushed away from him. “Stop it.”
“I’m not coming back. I always end up hurting people. I ruin lives, High. And I can’t keep messing up yours, or Kellan’s. I need to disappear.”
“Shut up, Logan!” I yelled. “Stop saying that.”
“I’ve seen how these things happen. We’d get on a routine, on a hamster wheel where we go round and round, and I keep screwing up your life. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.” He pulled himself up from the bed, then he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. He shrugged once, giving me a broken smile. “I’m sorry, High.”
“Don’t do this, Lo. Don’t leave me like this,” I begged, taking his hands and pulling him closer to me. “Don’t leave me again. Don’t run. Please. I need you.” I couldn’t get through this without him. I needed him to help me learn to stand again. I needed his voice late at night, I needed his love early in the morning. I needed the one person who had lost what I lost to mourn with me. I needed my most painful low to stay by my side.
His lips kissed my forehead once, and then he whispered against my ear before turning around and leaving me shouting his name.
The last thing he said to me were words that played over and over again in my head. Words that cut me deeper than anything else could’ve. “I would’ve been shitty,” he whispered against my ear, sending chills down my spine. “I would’ve been a shitty father. But you?” He swallowed hard. “You would’ve been the best mother. Our child would’ve been honored to be loved by you.”
And he was gone.
With those simple words, and his fading footsteps, I found out what it meant for a heart to truly break.
Part Two
From the ashes, they rose,
And burned once again.
He never forgot her glow,
And she never forgot him.
Message #1
Hey, Logan, it’s Alyssa. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I just… I hate how we left things. I hate how the last times we were near each other weren’t the best. I hate how I miss you. I hate how much this hurts.
I’m going to call you though, every day, even if you don’t answer. I want you to know that you’re not in this alone. No matter how bad it gets. I want you to know you’re not alone.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #5
Hey, it’s me.
You’ve been at the clinic for five days now, and I wish I could hear your voice. Kellan said he spoke with you, and that you’re doing okay. Are you doing okay? I really hope so. I miss you, Logan. So, so much.
I’m glad you’re working on yourself.
You deserve it.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #14
Two weeks. You’ve been there two weeks, and Kellan said you’re doing okay. He said you’re struggling a bit with withdrawal, but I know you’re stronger than your biggest demons.
I lay in bed last night, listening to the record on the vinyl player skip every few seconds, and it reminded me of you. Remember the first time we…
Never mind.
I just miss you, that’s all. Some days are harder than others.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #45
You’re halfway through the program. How are you? Are you eating enough? Is your mind staying clear? I hope they have documentary DVDs there for you to watch. If you want, maybe I can come out there and bring you some DVDs. I saw a new documentary on the Beatles that I thought you might like.
Do you want me to bring it?
Because I will.
Just say the word.
I’ve been leaving you voicemails every day for the past forty-five days, and I’ll keep leaving the messages. I just wish I could hear your voice. I wish you’d answer the phone.
Lo…
Please.
Gosh. I miss you.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #93
Hey, it’s Alyssa.
You finished the program, and I can’t help but want to cry. I’m so, so proud of you. This is good. This is the best…
Kellan said you’re doing okay. That you’re healthy and in good spirits.
He also said he took you some DVDs. Why didn’t you ask me? Why will you answer his calls but not mine? What did I do wrong?
I would’ve brought them to you, Logan—the DVDs. I would’ve brought them to you.
That doesn’t matter though.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #112
He said you’re not coming back to True Falls. He said you’re staying in Iowa. I didn’t believe you when you told me. I didn’t want to believe you.
He said you found a small studio apartment and a job…
This is good. If you need anything, furniture, food…company.
I just miss you, that’s all.
I can’t believe you’re not coming back.
This is good, though. This is good for you.
“I’m leaving,” he said, pulling himself together, wiping his eyes dry.
I sat up, alarmed. “What?”
“I’m leaving. I’m going to a rehab clinic in Iowa.”
My eyes lit up with anticipation. Earlier Kellan told me about the rehabilitation clinic, and we both really hoped Logan would take the ninety-day course. It wouldn’t take away the pain that we were both suffering through, but it would help him learn to handle it in a better way. “This is good, Lo. This is good news. And then when you come back, we can start over again. We can be us again,” I swore.
He frowned, shaking his head. “I’m not coming back, High.”
“What?”
“When I leave True Falls, I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back to Wisconsin, ever, and I’m never coming back here.”
I slightly pushed away from him. “Stop it.”
“I’m not coming back. I always end up hurting people. I ruin lives, High. And I can’t keep messing up yours, or Kellan’s. I need to disappear.”
“Shut up, Logan!” I yelled. “Stop saying that.”
“I’ve seen how these things happen. We’d get on a routine, on a hamster wheel where we go round and round, and I keep screwing up your life. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.” He pulled himself up from the bed, then he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. He shrugged once, giving me a broken smile. “I’m sorry, High.”
“Don’t do this, Lo. Don’t leave me like this,” I begged, taking his hands and pulling him closer to me. “Don’t leave me again. Don’t run. Please. I need you.” I couldn’t get through this without him. I needed him to help me learn to stand again. I needed his voice late at night, I needed his love early in the morning. I needed the one person who had lost what I lost to mourn with me. I needed my most painful low to stay by my side.
His lips kissed my forehead once, and then he whispered against my ear before turning around and leaving me shouting his name.
The last thing he said to me were words that played over and over again in my head. Words that cut me deeper than anything else could’ve. “I would’ve been shitty,” he whispered against my ear, sending chills down my spine. “I would’ve been a shitty father. But you?” He swallowed hard. “You would’ve been the best mother. Our child would’ve been honored to be loved by you.”
And he was gone.
With those simple words, and his fading footsteps, I found out what it meant for a heart to truly break.
Part Two
From the ashes, they rose,
And burned once again.
He never forgot her glow,
And she never forgot him.
Message #1
Hey, Logan, it’s Alyssa. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I just… I hate how we left things. I hate how the last times we were near each other weren’t the best. I hate how I miss you. I hate how much this hurts.
I’m going to call you though, every day, even if you don’t answer. I want you to know that you’re not in this alone. No matter how bad it gets. I want you to know you’re not alone.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #5
Hey, it’s me.
You’ve been at the clinic for five days now, and I wish I could hear your voice. Kellan said he spoke with you, and that you’re doing okay. Are you doing okay? I really hope so. I miss you, Logan. So, so much.
I’m glad you’re working on yourself.
You deserve it.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #14
Two weeks. You’ve been there two weeks, and Kellan said you’re doing okay. He said you’re struggling a bit with withdrawal, but I know you’re stronger than your biggest demons.
I lay in bed last night, listening to the record on the vinyl player skip every few seconds, and it reminded me of you. Remember the first time we…
Never mind.
I just miss you, that’s all. Some days are harder than others.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #45
You’re halfway through the program. How are you? Are you eating enough? Is your mind staying clear? I hope they have documentary DVDs there for you to watch. If you want, maybe I can come out there and bring you some DVDs. I saw a new documentary on the Beatles that I thought you might like.
Do you want me to bring it?
Because I will.
Just say the word.
I’ve been leaving you voicemails every day for the past forty-five days, and I’ll keep leaving the messages. I just wish I could hear your voice. I wish you’d answer the phone.
Lo…
Please.
Gosh. I miss you.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #93
Hey, it’s Alyssa.
You finished the program, and I can’t help but want to cry. I’m so, so proud of you. This is good. This is the best…
Kellan said you’re doing okay. That you’re healthy and in good spirits.
He also said he took you some DVDs. Why didn’t you ask me? Why will you answer his calls but not mine? What did I do wrong?
I would’ve brought them to you, Logan—the DVDs. I would’ve brought them to you.
That doesn’t matter though.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #112
He said you’re not coming back to True Falls. He said you’re staying in Iowa. I didn’t believe you when you told me. I didn’t want to believe you.
He said you found a small studio apartment and a job…
This is good. If you need anything, furniture, food…company.
I just miss you, that’s all.
I can’t believe you’re not coming back.
This is good, though. This is good for you.
