The Fire Between High & Lo
Page 33
Her fingers clung to me, almost digging into my flesh as if she thought I was some kind of mirage that would disappear if she didn’t keep hold. I didn’t blame her—I’d disappeared before.
I inhaled her hair.
Peaches.
God, I hated peaches until that day.
She smelled like the days when summer went to sleep and awakened as fall. Soft, sweet, perfect.
My fucking High.
“I missed…” she spoke against my ear.
“I know,” I replied.
“You left…” she started.
“I know,” I replied.
“How dare you…” she began.
“I know,” I replied.
Her body tensed up and she yanked away from me. The sadness in her eyes was gone. Only anger remained.
That seems right.
“You know?” she hissed, standing tall, but still so small. Her arms crossed and she bit her bottom lip. The small crinkles in the corners of her eyes deepened, and it was clear that she wasn’t that same girl I left behind years ago. She was a grown woman now, and she had a fire burning deep in her soul. “I called you.”
“I know.”
Her brow furrowed. “No. I called you, Logan. I called you and left you over five hundred messages.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
I didn’t want to correct her.
“You disappeared. You left me. Us. Kellan. You left us all,” she said. “I understand you needing your space, but you left me. After everything we’ve been through—after what happened—you left me alone with that.”
“I was getting better. I was working through the shit with my mom, the shit with you, and yeah, I was a mess, but I just needed time.”
“I gave you space, and you still stayed gone.”
“You called me every day, Alyssa. That’s not giving me space.”
“Kellan and I saved your life, and we thought you’d come back. I called you every day to let you know I was here, waiting. I thought you’d come back for me. For us.”
“You can’t save people’s lives, and you can’t expect people to come back for you, Alyssa. You should’ve known that after what happened with—” I bit my tongue, stopping my speech, but I knew I couldn’t take back my words. She knew what I was going to say. You should’ve known that after what happened with your father.
“That was mean.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Her head shook back and forth. “For someone who said nothing, it sure communicated plenty.” Her voice cracked. “Over five hundred messages, and not one reply.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
Still didn’t correct her.
“I didn’t have anything to say to you,” I lied. I was building the wall that I knew I had to build coming into town. I had to keep my emotions and mind at bay to keep me from falling back into Alyssa’s life. Last time I was in her life, I ruined it. I couldn’t allow myself to do that to her again. So, I had to be cold, harsh even.
Because she deserved better than to be waiting by her phone for someone like me to call her back.
“Nothing?” she stepped back, flabbergasted. “Not one thing? Not even hello?”
“I was always better at goodbyes.”
“Wow…” she blew out a sharp breath.
Every emotion I felt toward her throughout the years was coming back to me, stronger than ever. I was mad at myself for not calling her, I was sad, I was happy, I was confused, I was in love. I was everything that Alyssa ever made me feel.
My mind was seconds away from exploding.
“You know what?” She cleared her throat and gave me a tight smile. “We aren’t going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Fight. Argue. Because if we do that, you know what it means? It would mean you and I had some kind of relationship, which we don’t. You became a stranger the moment you disappeared into the cornfields of Iowa.”
My lips parted, but before I could speak, she’d turned on her heel and stormed off to help another table. She had a fake smile pasted to her face while she spoke to the customers. Her foot tapped nonstop against the checkered floor, and there was a slight rock back and forth to her body.
Her eyes shot over to me, as she spoke to the individuals.
“Well, I think I’ll have the eggs over easy and,”–one customer spoke, but was cut off by Alyssa storming back over to me—“bacon.”
“Does Kellan even know that you’re here?! Or were you just going to surprise attack him at his job, too?” Her hands hit her hips and she cocked an eyebrow.
I cocked a brow back at her. “Yeah. He’s the reason I’m here. For the wedding.”
“What?” she asked, flustered.
“The wedding… You know, how my brother is marrying your sister.”
“But…” she paused, her irritation dropping. “The wedding isn’t for another month. You came back a month early just to help with that?”
“Kellan said it was this weekend.”
“Well, that would definitely be news to me. But with everything that’s happening, I wouldn’t be shocked.”
“What does that mean? What’s happening?”
Her mouth opened, but no words came out. She tried again, nibbling on her bottom lip. “Are you using, Logan?”
“What?” I asked, defensively. “What the hell does that mean?”
“You know what it means. I just…” She started shaking, her nerves taking ahold of her. “I need to know if you’re clean. If you’ve been using anything.”
“That’s none of your business. Seeing how if I told you anything, that would mean we had some kind of relationship, and as you stated earlier we—”
“Lo,” she whispered. The nickname falling from her lips made me rethink my annoyance and my defensive approach.
Her eyes.
Her lips.
Alyssa.
High.
My greatest high.
“Yeah?” I whispered back.
“Are you using?”
“No.”
“Not even weed?”
“Only weed,” I replied. A heavy sigh fell from her lips. “Come on, Alyssa, give me a break. Weed is legal in some states.”
“Not in Iowa.” She was starting to sound like she was worried, which meant she kind of still cared, which meant hope. What did I care about hope though? The Keep Alyssa Out wall was built, and I wouldn’t be knocking it down any time soon. I’d be on the next train out of this place if a wedding wasn’t happening. “Only weed though?”
I inhaled her hair.
Peaches.
God, I hated peaches until that day.
She smelled like the days when summer went to sleep and awakened as fall. Soft, sweet, perfect.
My fucking High.
“I missed…” she spoke against my ear.
“I know,” I replied.
“You left…” she started.
“I know,” I replied.
“How dare you…” she began.
“I know,” I replied.
Her body tensed up and she yanked away from me. The sadness in her eyes was gone. Only anger remained.
That seems right.
“You know?” she hissed, standing tall, but still so small. Her arms crossed and she bit her bottom lip. The small crinkles in the corners of her eyes deepened, and it was clear that she wasn’t that same girl I left behind years ago. She was a grown woman now, and she had a fire burning deep in her soul. “I called you.”
“I know.”
Her brow furrowed. “No. I called you, Logan. I called you and left you over five hundred messages.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
I didn’t want to correct her.
“You disappeared. You left me. Us. Kellan. You left us all,” she said. “I understand you needing your space, but you left me. After everything we’ve been through—after what happened—you left me alone with that.”
“I was getting better. I was working through the shit with my mom, the shit with you, and yeah, I was a mess, but I just needed time.”
“I gave you space, and you still stayed gone.”
“You called me every day, Alyssa. That’s not giving me space.”
“Kellan and I saved your life, and we thought you’d come back. I called you every day to let you know I was here, waiting. I thought you’d come back for me. For us.”
“You can’t save people’s lives, and you can’t expect people to come back for you, Alyssa. You should’ve known that after what happened with—” I bit my tongue, stopping my speech, but I knew I couldn’t take back my words. She knew what I was going to say. You should’ve known that after what happened with your father.
“That was mean.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Her head shook back and forth. “For someone who said nothing, it sure communicated plenty.” Her voice cracked. “Over five hundred messages, and not one reply.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
Still didn’t correct her.
“I didn’t have anything to say to you,” I lied. I was building the wall that I knew I had to build coming into town. I had to keep my emotions and mind at bay to keep me from falling back into Alyssa’s life. Last time I was in her life, I ruined it. I couldn’t allow myself to do that to her again. So, I had to be cold, harsh even.
Because she deserved better than to be waiting by her phone for someone like me to call her back.
“Nothing?” she stepped back, flabbergasted. “Not one thing? Not even hello?”
“I was always better at goodbyes.”
“Wow…” she blew out a sharp breath.
Every emotion I felt toward her throughout the years was coming back to me, stronger than ever. I was mad at myself for not calling her, I was sad, I was happy, I was confused, I was in love. I was everything that Alyssa ever made me feel.
My mind was seconds away from exploding.
“You know what?” She cleared her throat and gave me a tight smile. “We aren’t going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Fight. Argue. Because if we do that, you know what it means? It would mean you and I had some kind of relationship, which we don’t. You became a stranger the moment you disappeared into the cornfields of Iowa.”
My lips parted, but before I could speak, she’d turned on her heel and stormed off to help another table. She had a fake smile pasted to her face while she spoke to the customers. Her foot tapped nonstop against the checkered floor, and there was a slight rock back and forth to her body.
Her eyes shot over to me, as she spoke to the individuals.
“Well, I think I’ll have the eggs over easy and,”–one customer spoke, but was cut off by Alyssa storming back over to me—“bacon.”
“Does Kellan even know that you’re here?! Or were you just going to surprise attack him at his job, too?” Her hands hit her hips and she cocked an eyebrow.
I cocked a brow back at her. “Yeah. He’s the reason I’m here. For the wedding.”
“What?” she asked, flustered.
“The wedding… You know, how my brother is marrying your sister.”
“But…” she paused, her irritation dropping. “The wedding isn’t for another month. You came back a month early just to help with that?”
“Kellan said it was this weekend.”
“Well, that would definitely be news to me. But with everything that’s happening, I wouldn’t be shocked.”
“What does that mean? What’s happening?”
Her mouth opened, but no words came out. She tried again, nibbling on her bottom lip. “Are you using, Logan?”
“What?” I asked, defensively. “What the hell does that mean?”
“You know what it means. I just…” She started shaking, her nerves taking ahold of her. “I need to know if you’re clean. If you’ve been using anything.”
“That’s none of your business. Seeing how if I told you anything, that would mean we had some kind of relationship, and as you stated earlier we—”
“Lo,” she whispered. The nickname falling from her lips made me rethink my annoyance and my defensive approach.
Her eyes.
Her lips.
Alyssa.
High.
My greatest high.
“Yeah?” I whispered back.
“Are you using?”
“No.”
“Not even weed?”
“Only weed,” I replied. A heavy sigh fell from her lips. “Come on, Alyssa, give me a break. Weed is legal in some states.”
“Not in Iowa.” She was starting to sound like she was worried, which meant she kind of still cared, which meant hope. What did I care about hope though? The Keep Alyssa Out wall was built, and I wouldn’t be knocking it down any time soon. I’d be on the next train out of this place if a wedding wasn’t happening. “Only weed though?”
