The Fire Between High & Lo
Page 48
When she left the house, she ran into my Dad, and rehab became a distant memory for her.
I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, even getting on my knees to scrub the carpet. I walked all of her clothes down to the laundromat, and while they washed, I went back to her apartment and cleaned some more.
She didn’t wake until I was back at the apartment, folding her clean clothes while sitting on the floor. As she sat up, she yawned. “I thought it was a dream that you were here the other day.”
I gave her half a smile. She gave me the other half as she rubbed her slim arms.
“You cleaned the place?”
“Yeah. I got some food and washed your clothes, too.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she kept smiling. “You look good, boy.” She nodded over and over again, tears falling down her cheeks. She didn’t wipe the tears away, allowing them to fall against her chin. “You look so good.” Guilt took over as she scratched at her skin. “I knew you could do it, Logan. I knew you could get clean. Sometimes I wish…” Her words faded off.
“It’s not too late, you know, Ma. We can get you into a program. We can get you clean, too.” I didn’t know it still existed in me—that spark of hope I always held for her. I wanted her to get away from all of this world. There was still a small part of my soul that wanted to get us both a house, away from the place that created so much horror for us both.
For a second, it looked like she was considering it, too. But then she blinked, and started scratching herself again. “I’m old, Logan. I’m old. Come here.” I walked over, and sat on the couch beside her. She took my hands into hers and smiled. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Ma. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah,” she said. I was somewhat surprised.
I tossed the lasagna into the oven, and when it finished we sat at the dining room table, eating it straight out of the pan. I wished I could’ve locked this moment into my heart and never let it leave.
As she ate, tears kept falling down her face.
“You’re crying,” I said.
“Am I?” She wiped at her face. She gave me another smile. But it was such a broken grin. “How’s Kellan?” she asked.
“Did you know about the…”
She nodded.
“He’s okay. He asked me to come to a therapy meeting with him next week. He’s going to beat this, ya know. He’s tough.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, eating more than I’d seen her eat in a long time. “Yeah. He’s strong. He’s strong.” The tears started falling faster down her cheeks, and I wiped them away. “It’s my fault though, you know. I did this to him… I was a shit mother. I wasn’t there for you boys.”
“Ma. Come on.” I wasn’t sure what to say, how to make her stop the tears.
“It’s true. You know it. I messed up. I did this.”
“You didn’t give him cancer.”
“But, I didn’t make your lives easy. You went to rehab, Logan. Rehab. I sat with you on your sixteen birthday and we did lines of coke. I fed you my addiction…” She shook her head back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She was so broken. She was so lost. Truth was, she’d been wandering around lost in her mind for as long as I could remember. For so long, I’d been so angry at her. I held so much bitterness for the choices she made, but it wasn’t her fault. She was just running round and round on her own hamster wheel, unable to stop repeating all of her same mistakes.
“We’re all going to be okay, Ma. Don’t worry.” I took her hand in mine, and held on tight.
Just then, the front door flew open and Ricky came barging in.
It was amazing how much my hatred for him still existed the moment I saw him.
“Julie, what the fuck?” he hissed. He looked much different than when I last saw him five years ago, though. He seemed…broken down? Old. Tired. His fancy suits that he used to wear were replaced with sweatpants and T-shirts. His fancy shoes were now sneakers. His once-buff arms weren’t as strong and defined as they’d been before.
I wondered if he was using the stuff he sold.
“You owe me fifty dollars,” he hollered, and paused when he saw me. His head tilted to the left, bewilderment in his stare. “Did a ghost just cross my path?” My chest tightened the same way it always did whenever he came across my path. It only took a moment before his confusion turned into a sinister smirk. He seemed pleased by my return, almost as if he knew I’d be back.
“You know,” he walked toward me, his chest pushed out. “There were rumors going around saying you were back, but I figured it was just bullshit. Now that you’re back, you can come join me in the family business.”
“I’m never going to do that. I’m never going down that road again.”
His eyes narrowed and I watched his serious inhales and exhales. Then he laughed. “I love that. I love that you honestly think that you’re strong enough to stay clean.” He came nose to nose with me, and instead of backing down, I stood tall. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. I couldn’t be afraid. He pushed my chest with his, trying to make me back down. “But I know you, Logan. I see in your eyes the same weak bitch that resides in your mother. There’s no way you’ll ever manage to keep away.”
I watched tears form in Ma’s eyes as he said that. It had to feel like a dagger to her soul, because all her life all she ever did was love him. She wasted so many years loving a man who loved to control and belittle her.
“Don’t talk about my mom,” I said, standing up for her because she hadn’t a clue how to stand up for herself.
He snickered. “I love your mom. Julie, don’t I love you? She’s my one and only. You’re it for me, baby.”
Mom kind of smiled, as if she believed him.
Something I’d never understand.
He made me sick. “You don’t love her. You love controlling her because it hides the fact that you yourself are nothing but a fucking rat.”
I flinched when I felt his fist contact my eye. “This fucking rat can still kick your ass, little boy. I’m not going to waste any more time on you, though. Julie. Give me my money.”
Her voice shook with fear. “Ricky, I don’t have it right now. I’ll get it though. I just have to…” He went to hit her, and I stepped in front of him, this time blocking his hit.
I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, even getting on my knees to scrub the carpet. I walked all of her clothes down to the laundromat, and while they washed, I went back to her apartment and cleaned some more.
She didn’t wake until I was back at the apartment, folding her clean clothes while sitting on the floor. As she sat up, she yawned. “I thought it was a dream that you were here the other day.”
I gave her half a smile. She gave me the other half as she rubbed her slim arms.
“You cleaned the place?”
“Yeah. I got some food and washed your clothes, too.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she kept smiling. “You look good, boy.” She nodded over and over again, tears falling down her cheeks. She didn’t wipe the tears away, allowing them to fall against her chin. “You look so good.” Guilt took over as she scratched at her skin. “I knew you could do it, Logan. I knew you could get clean. Sometimes I wish…” Her words faded off.
“It’s not too late, you know, Ma. We can get you into a program. We can get you clean, too.” I didn’t know it still existed in me—that spark of hope I always held for her. I wanted her to get away from all of this world. There was still a small part of my soul that wanted to get us both a house, away from the place that created so much horror for us both.
For a second, it looked like she was considering it, too. But then she blinked, and started scratching herself again. “I’m old, Logan. I’m old. Come here.” I walked over, and sat on the couch beside her. She took my hands into hers and smiled. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Ma. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah,” she said. I was somewhat surprised.
I tossed the lasagna into the oven, and when it finished we sat at the dining room table, eating it straight out of the pan. I wished I could’ve locked this moment into my heart and never let it leave.
As she ate, tears kept falling down her face.
“You’re crying,” I said.
“Am I?” She wiped at her face. She gave me another smile. But it was such a broken grin. “How’s Kellan?” she asked.
“Did you know about the…”
She nodded.
“He’s okay. He asked me to come to a therapy meeting with him next week. He’s going to beat this, ya know. He’s tough.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, eating more than I’d seen her eat in a long time. “Yeah. He’s strong. He’s strong.” The tears started falling faster down her cheeks, and I wiped them away. “It’s my fault though, you know. I did this to him… I was a shit mother. I wasn’t there for you boys.”
“Ma. Come on.” I wasn’t sure what to say, how to make her stop the tears.
“It’s true. You know it. I messed up. I did this.”
“You didn’t give him cancer.”
“But, I didn’t make your lives easy. You went to rehab, Logan. Rehab. I sat with you on your sixteen birthday and we did lines of coke. I fed you my addiction…” She shook her head back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She was so broken. She was so lost. Truth was, she’d been wandering around lost in her mind for as long as I could remember. For so long, I’d been so angry at her. I held so much bitterness for the choices she made, but it wasn’t her fault. She was just running round and round on her own hamster wheel, unable to stop repeating all of her same mistakes.
“We’re all going to be okay, Ma. Don’t worry.” I took her hand in mine, and held on tight.
Just then, the front door flew open and Ricky came barging in.
It was amazing how much my hatred for him still existed the moment I saw him.
“Julie, what the fuck?” he hissed. He looked much different than when I last saw him five years ago, though. He seemed…broken down? Old. Tired. His fancy suits that he used to wear were replaced with sweatpants and T-shirts. His fancy shoes were now sneakers. His once-buff arms weren’t as strong and defined as they’d been before.
I wondered if he was using the stuff he sold.
“You owe me fifty dollars,” he hollered, and paused when he saw me. His head tilted to the left, bewilderment in his stare. “Did a ghost just cross my path?” My chest tightened the same way it always did whenever he came across my path. It only took a moment before his confusion turned into a sinister smirk. He seemed pleased by my return, almost as if he knew I’d be back.
“You know,” he walked toward me, his chest pushed out. “There were rumors going around saying you were back, but I figured it was just bullshit. Now that you’re back, you can come join me in the family business.”
“I’m never going to do that. I’m never going down that road again.”
His eyes narrowed and I watched his serious inhales and exhales. Then he laughed. “I love that. I love that you honestly think that you’re strong enough to stay clean.” He came nose to nose with me, and instead of backing down, I stood tall. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. I couldn’t be afraid. He pushed my chest with his, trying to make me back down. “But I know you, Logan. I see in your eyes the same weak bitch that resides in your mother. There’s no way you’ll ever manage to keep away.”
I watched tears form in Ma’s eyes as he said that. It had to feel like a dagger to her soul, because all her life all she ever did was love him. She wasted so many years loving a man who loved to control and belittle her.
“Don’t talk about my mom,” I said, standing up for her because she hadn’t a clue how to stand up for herself.
He snickered. “I love your mom. Julie, don’t I love you? She’s my one and only. You’re it for me, baby.”
Mom kind of smiled, as if she believed him.
Something I’d never understand.
He made me sick. “You don’t love her. You love controlling her because it hides the fact that you yourself are nothing but a fucking rat.”
I flinched when I felt his fist contact my eye. “This fucking rat can still kick your ass, little boy. I’m not going to waste any more time on you, though. Julie. Give me my money.”
Her voice shook with fear. “Ricky, I don’t have it right now. I’ll get it though. I just have to…” He went to hit her, and I stepped in front of him, this time blocking his hit.
