The Heart's Ashes
Page 21
“Well, even if that were true—” And it is, “—I won’t give in to it. You’re making me want you—it’s not fair.”
“And what do you think you’re doing to me?” He shook his head but kept his smile. “Every time your heart beats or you smooth your tongue across your lips or uncross your legs...” He shook his head again. “I’m a guy first, Amara, vampire second. I have needs.”
“Well.” I reversed down the drive. “You won’t be fulfilling those needs with me.”
“We’ll see,” was all he said as the house became smaller in my rear-view mirror.
Eric played human really well. We had a pleasant meal together, talked vampire and Set laws for only the first half-hour, then drifted into conversations about music and books and world history—from a firsthand perspective. By the time Eric walked me to my door, I was completely convinced that he wasn’t the arrogant stalker I’d first thought he was—and completely hoping my newfound affections wouldn’t transform into love.
“I had a good time tonight, Amara.”
I fiddled with my keys in hand, leaning on the wall beside the front door. “I did too.”
“I can see why he fell for you.” He brushed his knuckles sweetly across my cheek, and though I knew he was talking about David, the mention of him didn’t stir the heartache in me it usually did. I simply smiled.
“Do...do you wanna come in?”
Eric looked at the door—at the silhouette on the other side of the glass; a grey shadow in the dark—and shook his head. “I’d like to, but...”
“Mike’s just making sure I made it home.” I jerked my head to the silhouette.
“Something tells me he’s making sure of a few other things, too.”
I grabbed Eric’s sleeve as he stood back and went to walk away. “Don’t go.”
He stepped back into me, my nose and lips nearly resting on his chin with the closeness. “I want to stay, but I think what I want, and what you want from me, might be different things.”
“What if they weren’t?”
He studied me with a curious gaze, then slowly and so cautiously cupped his thumb against my chin and lifted my lips to his. I tensed, pausing, a breath before they touched, then quickly turned my head.
“You see?” He dropped his hand to his side. “You don’t want to do that stuff with me, Amara—you just want a way to get past David.”
“No, Eric, wait.” I reached for him, but he jumped the front gate and disappeared before I had the chance to make it all better.
The front door opened and Mike’s smile dropped when he saw my face. “Baby, what happened?”
“Nothing.” I pushed past him, slammed my bedroom door and threw myself on the bed.
A white tissue flashed in front of my face. “Here.” Emily landed beside me on the couch.
“Thanks.” I wiped my nose and eyes.
“Is it David again?” She sighed, looking at me through rounded, caramel eyes.
“Mm-hm.” I continued the task of weeping.
“Ara, you’ve got to move on from this. I thought you were going out with Eric now.”
“I was. I did. I mean...he went to kiss me, and I...and I...” I blubbered, hiding my shameful face in the tissue. “I’ll never forget the look in his eye, Em. I didn’t think he was capable of it, but, I think I hurt him. I think I really hurt him.”
“Oh, Ara. Not Eric. Why Eric? His girlfriend passed away a few months ago. It’s taken a lot for him to start dating again.”
“Really?” I stopped blubbering.
“Yes.”
“Oh, now I feel really bad.” The blubbering burst out again.
“So—are you crying because you hurt Eric or—”
“Because of why I hurt Eric. I just can’t do it, Em. I can’t let myself be with anyone. I feel like I’m cheating David.”
“Ara. He’s gone—just like when Jason left me. He’s never coming back. I know it’s harsh, but I had to get over Jason, and you have to get over David.” She smoothed my hair over my shoulder. “Come on, if he was worth all the tears, he’d be the one sitting here with you right now.”
She’s right. I know that. “But it still hurts, Em,” I said under ragged breaths. “I mean, he loved me, he said things to me that made me feel so worthwhile. How can he just leave if all that was true?”
“Maybe he never really meant it, Ara. Maybe he just told you what you wanted to hear,” she suggested.
“But—but it felt so real—it still does. I don’t know what to believe.”
“Hey, girls, what’s up?” Mike glided around the corner with his hands in his pockets, dropping them to his sides when he looked at me. “Ara, baby, what happened?”
As he knelt beside me, I turned my head into Emily’s shoulder. I didn’t want Mike to see me crying—especially not over David.
“It’s the David thing again,” Emily moaned.
“David? What David thing?” Mike reached out and slid his fingers down my arm, then grabbed my hand.
Emily and Mike went silent for a second, but Emily’s body moved slightly with her secret sign language. The couch dipped where Mike landed as he tugged me away from Emily. “Ara, he’s a guy,” he said. “Guy’s do stuff like this all the time. I know you thought it was real, I know you thought he loved you—but it’s what he wanted you to think. It’s a game to them.”
I shook my head. “You don’t really believe that, do you? You talked to him, you knew—you saw that he loved me.”
Mike’s shoulders dropped. “Yeah. I did. I don’t know, baby. I can’t figure it out either. But you can’t keep wasting your life over this guy.”
“How am I possibly wasting it?” I sat up. “Just because I’m still hurting, and I happen to get caught crying over him every now and then.”
“Yes!” Emily leaned forward. “Because you’re just not getting it, Ara. He’s gone; he doesn’t care.”
“Emily?” Mike slightly raised his voice, then turned to me. “Ara?” I kept my eyes down, swallowing the lump Emily’s truth formed in my throat. “You’ve got to forget about him. I know it hurts, but you’ve just gotta grieve his absence as if he was dead. Hey—” Mike held both of my arms, his voice trailing up, “—would it help if we held a funeral for him?”
“And what do you think you’re doing to me?” He shook his head but kept his smile. “Every time your heart beats or you smooth your tongue across your lips or uncross your legs...” He shook his head again. “I’m a guy first, Amara, vampire second. I have needs.”
“Well.” I reversed down the drive. “You won’t be fulfilling those needs with me.”
“We’ll see,” was all he said as the house became smaller in my rear-view mirror.
Eric played human really well. We had a pleasant meal together, talked vampire and Set laws for only the first half-hour, then drifted into conversations about music and books and world history—from a firsthand perspective. By the time Eric walked me to my door, I was completely convinced that he wasn’t the arrogant stalker I’d first thought he was—and completely hoping my newfound affections wouldn’t transform into love.
“I had a good time tonight, Amara.”
I fiddled with my keys in hand, leaning on the wall beside the front door. “I did too.”
“I can see why he fell for you.” He brushed his knuckles sweetly across my cheek, and though I knew he was talking about David, the mention of him didn’t stir the heartache in me it usually did. I simply smiled.
“Do...do you wanna come in?”
Eric looked at the door—at the silhouette on the other side of the glass; a grey shadow in the dark—and shook his head. “I’d like to, but...”
“Mike’s just making sure I made it home.” I jerked my head to the silhouette.
“Something tells me he’s making sure of a few other things, too.”
I grabbed Eric’s sleeve as he stood back and went to walk away. “Don’t go.”
He stepped back into me, my nose and lips nearly resting on his chin with the closeness. “I want to stay, but I think what I want, and what you want from me, might be different things.”
“What if they weren’t?”
He studied me with a curious gaze, then slowly and so cautiously cupped his thumb against my chin and lifted my lips to his. I tensed, pausing, a breath before they touched, then quickly turned my head.
“You see?” He dropped his hand to his side. “You don’t want to do that stuff with me, Amara—you just want a way to get past David.”
“No, Eric, wait.” I reached for him, but he jumped the front gate and disappeared before I had the chance to make it all better.
The front door opened and Mike’s smile dropped when he saw my face. “Baby, what happened?”
“Nothing.” I pushed past him, slammed my bedroom door and threw myself on the bed.
A white tissue flashed in front of my face. “Here.” Emily landed beside me on the couch.
“Thanks.” I wiped my nose and eyes.
“Is it David again?” She sighed, looking at me through rounded, caramel eyes.
“Mm-hm.” I continued the task of weeping.
“Ara, you’ve got to move on from this. I thought you were going out with Eric now.”
“I was. I did. I mean...he went to kiss me, and I...and I...” I blubbered, hiding my shameful face in the tissue. “I’ll never forget the look in his eye, Em. I didn’t think he was capable of it, but, I think I hurt him. I think I really hurt him.”
“Oh, Ara. Not Eric. Why Eric? His girlfriend passed away a few months ago. It’s taken a lot for him to start dating again.”
“Really?” I stopped blubbering.
“Yes.”
“Oh, now I feel really bad.” The blubbering burst out again.
“So—are you crying because you hurt Eric or—”
“Because of why I hurt Eric. I just can’t do it, Em. I can’t let myself be with anyone. I feel like I’m cheating David.”
“Ara. He’s gone—just like when Jason left me. He’s never coming back. I know it’s harsh, but I had to get over Jason, and you have to get over David.” She smoothed my hair over my shoulder. “Come on, if he was worth all the tears, he’d be the one sitting here with you right now.”
She’s right. I know that. “But it still hurts, Em,” I said under ragged breaths. “I mean, he loved me, he said things to me that made me feel so worthwhile. How can he just leave if all that was true?”
“Maybe he never really meant it, Ara. Maybe he just told you what you wanted to hear,” she suggested.
“But—but it felt so real—it still does. I don’t know what to believe.”
“Hey, girls, what’s up?” Mike glided around the corner with his hands in his pockets, dropping them to his sides when he looked at me. “Ara, baby, what happened?”
As he knelt beside me, I turned my head into Emily’s shoulder. I didn’t want Mike to see me crying—especially not over David.
“It’s the David thing again,” Emily moaned.
“David? What David thing?” Mike reached out and slid his fingers down my arm, then grabbed my hand.
Emily and Mike went silent for a second, but Emily’s body moved slightly with her secret sign language. The couch dipped where Mike landed as he tugged me away from Emily. “Ara, he’s a guy,” he said. “Guy’s do stuff like this all the time. I know you thought it was real, I know you thought he loved you—but it’s what he wanted you to think. It’s a game to them.”
I shook my head. “You don’t really believe that, do you? You talked to him, you knew—you saw that he loved me.”
Mike’s shoulders dropped. “Yeah. I did. I don’t know, baby. I can’t figure it out either. But you can’t keep wasting your life over this guy.”
“How am I possibly wasting it?” I sat up. “Just because I’m still hurting, and I happen to get caught crying over him every now and then.”
“Yes!” Emily leaned forward. “Because you’re just not getting it, Ara. He’s gone; he doesn’t care.”
“Emily?” Mike slightly raised his voice, then turned to me. “Ara?” I kept my eyes down, swallowing the lump Emily’s truth formed in my throat. “You’ve got to forget about him. I know it hurts, but you’ve just gotta grieve his absence as if he was dead. Hey—” Mike held both of my arms, his voice trailing up, “—would it help if we held a funeral for him?”
