The Heart's Ashes
Page 24
Mike stayed silent.
“Mike!”
“Okay. I think...I think you are a bit that way, baby.”
I threw a pillow at him. “Mike?”
“I’m sorry.” He laughed, catching the pillow in his lap. “But you are a bit like that. I don’t think it’s the reason you don’t want to get married—to me, but I think you feel insecure about losing things indefinitely. Like it makes you want to hold onto them tighter, no matter what it takes—even if it means loving them...when you don’t really love them.”
“So...I’m afraid of missing people?”
Mike shrugged as he said, “Maybe.”
“Well, isn’t that normal?”
“Yeah, but I guess with you it’s just...” He looked at me for a long moment. “Magnified.”
“Magnified?”
“I dunno, Ar. Maybe it’s ‘cause you lost your mum. I think you...you just don’t like missing things. Anything. People or objects. I think you have a too-deep understanding of goodbye. Like, for me, when I get someone out of my life, I know there’s a chance I’ll always see them again—distant, but still a chance. I don’t think you have that. I think you understand and assume finality in all goodbyes, even when you’re just going to work.” He looked down between his knees and tapped his thumbs together. “I think you hold on to people to make sure they won’t disappear forever.”
“But, then, how do I know if letting go is the right thing—when it feels so wrong?”
Mike smiled sideways at me. “Is this about Eric?”
“What do you know about it?”
His smile became warmer as he looked down at his hands. “Emily told me—about the non-kiss the other night.”
Argh! How rude. “Well, she shouldn’t have.”
“No,” Mike said, “you should have. I’m your best bud, Ara. You can talk to me.”
“About guys I want to sleep with.”
Mike went to speak, but his words seemed to get lodged in his throat. He cleared it. “Sleep with, huh?”
“Mike. I’m allowed to want sex.”
“I know. You just...” He shook his head. My heart broke a little, remembering how badly he wanted to be my first. “You just used to say ‘make love to’.”
“I know. But I’m not a child anymore, Mike.”
He nodded. “Do you like Eric—in that way?”
I nodded.
“Do you...do you love him?”
I shook my head.
“Do you think you’ll ever love him?”
I shrugged.
“Then don’t sleep with him.”
I removed my comforting hand from his. “Well...should I stay friends with him?”
Mike stood up. “Only if you want to hurt him really badly.”
My lips fell apart slightly as I watched him walk away.
The presence of morning entered my room, and weary awareness was suddenly elevated to completely alert when my foot touched something beside me. I threw my covers back and launched to the edge of the bed.
“Amara, kiddo, relax, it’s just me.” Eric grabbed my arm.
“What are you doing in here?” I quickly covered my chest with the sheet.
“I was watching you sleep. That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. Eric, this is crossing the line.” I tried not to yell, but, before coffee, that was hard.
“Well, you don’t return my calls.” He shrugged.
“That’s because I’m trying to get you out of my life.” Or...let you out of my life.
“Ouch.”
“It’s for your own good.”
“What if I like the torment you put me through?”
“Then you’re sadistic, and I don’t want to hang around someone who’s into that kind of thing.”
“Oh, funny first thing in the morning, are we?” He repositioned himself, resting his interlaced fingers on his crossed legs. “You getting up or coming back to bed?”
“Eric. You have to leave.” I rubbed my temple. “Wait, no, you have to go away—and I don’t mean just hide where I can’t see you—I mean go away completely.”
Smugness curled around his smile. “Why, because you want to kiss me?”
A pause allowed me to control my fury. “Only to get past David. Not because I like you.”
“No. You want me; I can see it in your eyes.”
“Eric.” I rubbed my face firmly. “I’m attracted to you because you’re a vampire. It’s human nature—but I’ll never let myself love you. I don’t really even like you.”
“What if it’s not love I’m after?”
I let out two long huffs before clicking my tongue, all the while considering his words. “What exactly are you after?”
He shrugged. “Companionship. Sex.”
“Hm.”
“Come on.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. “You’ve got time before work. Let me show you how real vampires please a woman.”
For a second my mind pictured it; his body and mine, completely meshed together, the muscles on his arms tightening as he wraps his hands under my legs and pulls them around his hips. His lips in the curve of my shoulder, his... “No.” I stole the sheet completely out from under him to wrap around myself. “I have to get ready for work. And you need to get out of my bed before Mike walks in and sees you.”
“Why can’t he see me in here? I thought you didn’t love him anymore.”
“Grow up, Eric—you know I love him. I just won’t waste his life by marrying him.”
“So what if he sees you with another guy? Shouldn’t he be moving on?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“You’re my friend. Of course it’s my business.”
“No. It’s not. Now get out.”
“No. I’ll stay.” He folded his arms and watched me move across the room, then nodded toward the sheet. “I’ve already seen you in your underwear—you don’t need to hide.”
“When did you see me in my undies?”
“Amara, I’ve been watching you for some time. I’ve seen a lot of things you wouldn’t want me to see.”
“Mike!”
“Okay. I think...I think you are a bit that way, baby.”
I threw a pillow at him. “Mike?”
“I’m sorry.” He laughed, catching the pillow in his lap. “But you are a bit like that. I don’t think it’s the reason you don’t want to get married—to me, but I think you feel insecure about losing things indefinitely. Like it makes you want to hold onto them tighter, no matter what it takes—even if it means loving them...when you don’t really love them.”
“So...I’m afraid of missing people?”
Mike shrugged as he said, “Maybe.”
“Well, isn’t that normal?”
“Yeah, but I guess with you it’s just...” He looked at me for a long moment. “Magnified.”
“Magnified?”
“I dunno, Ar. Maybe it’s ‘cause you lost your mum. I think you...you just don’t like missing things. Anything. People or objects. I think you have a too-deep understanding of goodbye. Like, for me, when I get someone out of my life, I know there’s a chance I’ll always see them again—distant, but still a chance. I don’t think you have that. I think you understand and assume finality in all goodbyes, even when you’re just going to work.” He looked down between his knees and tapped his thumbs together. “I think you hold on to people to make sure they won’t disappear forever.”
“But, then, how do I know if letting go is the right thing—when it feels so wrong?”
Mike smiled sideways at me. “Is this about Eric?”
“What do you know about it?”
His smile became warmer as he looked down at his hands. “Emily told me—about the non-kiss the other night.”
Argh! How rude. “Well, she shouldn’t have.”
“No,” Mike said, “you should have. I’m your best bud, Ara. You can talk to me.”
“About guys I want to sleep with.”
Mike went to speak, but his words seemed to get lodged in his throat. He cleared it. “Sleep with, huh?”
“Mike. I’m allowed to want sex.”
“I know. You just...” He shook his head. My heart broke a little, remembering how badly he wanted to be my first. “You just used to say ‘make love to’.”
“I know. But I’m not a child anymore, Mike.”
He nodded. “Do you like Eric—in that way?”
I nodded.
“Do you...do you love him?”
I shook my head.
“Do you think you’ll ever love him?”
I shrugged.
“Then don’t sleep with him.”
I removed my comforting hand from his. “Well...should I stay friends with him?”
Mike stood up. “Only if you want to hurt him really badly.”
My lips fell apart slightly as I watched him walk away.
The presence of morning entered my room, and weary awareness was suddenly elevated to completely alert when my foot touched something beside me. I threw my covers back and launched to the edge of the bed.
“Amara, kiddo, relax, it’s just me.” Eric grabbed my arm.
“What are you doing in here?” I quickly covered my chest with the sheet.
“I was watching you sleep. That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. Eric, this is crossing the line.” I tried not to yell, but, before coffee, that was hard.
“Well, you don’t return my calls.” He shrugged.
“That’s because I’m trying to get you out of my life.” Or...let you out of my life.
“Ouch.”
“It’s for your own good.”
“What if I like the torment you put me through?”
“Then you’re sadistic, and I don’t want to hang around someone who’s into that kind of thing.”
“Oh, funny first thing in the morning, are we?” He repositioned himself, resting his interlaced fingers on his crossed legs. “You getting up or coming back to bed?”
“Eric. You have to leave.” I rubbed my temple. “Wait, no, you have to go away—and I don’t mean just hide where I can’t see you—I mean go away completely.”
Smugness curled around his smile. “Why, because you want to kiss me?”
A pause allowed me to control my fury. “Only to get past David. Not because I like you.”
“No. You want me; I can see it in your eyes.”
“Eric.” I rubbed my face firmly. “I’m attracted to you because you’re a vampire. It’s human nature—but I’ll never let myself love you. I don’t really even like you.”
“What if it’s not love I’m after?”
I let out two long huffs before clicking my tongue, all the while considering his words. “What exactly are you after?”
He shrugged. “Companionship. Sex.”
“Hm.”
“Come on.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. “You’ve got time before work. Let me show you how real vampires please a woman.”
For a second my mind pictured it; his body and mine, completely meshed together, the muscles on his arms tightening as he wraps his hands under my legs and pulls them around his hips. His lips in the curve of my shoulder, his... “No.” I stole the sheet completely out from under him to wrap around myself. “I have to get ready for work. And you need to get out of my bed before Mike walks in and sees you.”
“Why can’t he see me in here? I thought you didn’t love him anymore.”
“Grow up, Eric—you know I love him. I just won’t waste his life by marrying him.”
“So what if he sees you with another guy? Shouldn’t he be moving on?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“You’re my friend. Of course it’s my business.”
“No. It’s not. Now get out.”
“No. I’ll stay.” He folded his arms and watched me move across the room, then nodded toward the sheet. “I’ve already seen you in your underwear—you don’t need to hide.”
“When did you see me in my undies?”
“Amara, I’ve been watching you for some time. I’ve seen a lot of things you wouldn’t want me to see.”
