The Heart's Ashes
Page 4
Still, I’d rather that than wake up and realise I made a mistake tomorrow, when it’s too late. If I promise someone forever, I intend to keep that promise. I don’t believe in divorce, and I won’t marry because I feel obligated. They shouldn’t have pressured me. They should’ve let me go back to Perth for a while first. I’m too young to be married. I’m just not ready.
But for this small amount of time, while no one knew where I went or why I ran away, I could pretend I was just here to meet David. Pretend I was never kidnapped by his vengeful brother—pretend I was never abandoned by him while I laid helpless in a hospital bed.
With a steady hand, I pushed off the bark of the tree, and when the rock came into view—the black one we used to sit by—my heart jumped in my chest. That rock was once a place I could look to and see David, either leaning against the base, the rug splayed out under him, or sitting atop, with my guitar. He wasn’t there anymore, but the memory remained.
I suddenly felt so small and alone in the vast wilderness, under the tall, green-filled branches of the trees. The wind brushed softly over my wet dress and chilled my skin. I rubbed away the tiny bumps then lifted my skirt over my hips as I climbed onto the rock—almost as if I were climbing into David’s arms.
And alone, finally here where I never thought I’d return, the open sky and the thunder gave more weight to the decision I just made. The base of my dress dripped, the last of the rain abandoning the fabric, and I traced my index finger over the empty place where my engagement ring had been only an hour ago.
Poor Mike. He’ll be beside himself. No one knows where to find me, but they’ll be searching. Concerned.
I wish they could let me grow up; realise I can make decisions for myself. I need everyone to stop trying to protect me all the time. I need to be allowed to fall down and figure out how to get back up again. They all watch me so closely; waiting for that moment I might need them to protect me. Going to Perth was the only way to escape that. Now, I can never return there. Mike was my only link to that place, but I no longer have a home to go to in his arms.
While a minute hand ticked inside my head, I tried to find some conclusion in all the confusion, seeing time pass before my eyes. Without Mike around, Dad and Vicki will watch me even more closely. I’ll never be free while I’m living under Dad’s roof—under anyone’s roof. But I’m eighteen now. He doesn’t really have a say over me. I might still be a child here, but if I were in Australia I’d be a legal adult now.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I have to move away—away from home, away from all of it. Mike, parents, school...and love.
When my mum died, she left a small inheritance, one that, until now, I’d refused to accept—envisioning it as blood money.
But it’s not. And I see it all so clearly; see it more as a safety net; one last helping hand from my mum—the last help I will ever get from her.
I nodded as the thought became a brighter, more formed idea in my mind; I’m going to buy a house—away from Dad and Vicki, away from Perth. I’m going to start my own life, stop searching for somewhere I belong, and make a place for myself in the world. Make something right, for once.
I can’t take back what I did to Mike, and I’m not sure I can ever face him again either. He’ll be in pain for a really long time, but it would be worse if I pretended to be happy with him. He can have a chance now to find real love and have a girl love him back just as much. He deserves that—he’s a great guy. Just not the one for me.
I was wrong to say I’d marry him. I made a huge mistake. I hugged my knees against my chest, tugging the fabric of my wedding dress as it pulled downward—trying to force me off the rock. While I sat, the sky turned orange over the treetops, and the leaves that were green in the sunlight became dark, shadowy, as they rested on the backdrop of the descending night.
I was just coming up from my thoughts, wondering how I was going to get home, when I thought I heard something. I held my breath and tuned my ears to the sounds around me. The birds had stopped chattering, the crickets no longer played their sunset ensemble, and the breeze retreated with the storm. “Ara?”
An invisible rock landed on my shoulders. Crud! They found me.
“Ara-Rose?” he called again.
A minute passed before I heard footsteps trudging through the muddy ground—just near the tree line.
“Ara?” his voice sounded echoed, as if he were calling through cupped hands.
I sighed heavily. “Mike?”
“Ara?”
“I’m over here.”
Nothing but a bulky silhouette showed in the shadows near the trail. The dark made him look menacing and creepy. He sighed heavily, staying where he stood, lit by the soft green light of a phone beside his cheek. “Greg. I got her,” he said. “Yes...okay, I’ll bring her home with me. No—thanks, Greg.”
I turned away when the light withdrew as he dumped his phone in his pocket and looked at me. “Ara?” The word came out in a long sigh.
“I’m sorry, Mike.” I hugged my knees closer.
He hoisted himself onto the rock, shaking his head. But, then, he just sat quietly and watched the lake with me while the sunlight in the distance disappeared completely.
After a while, he turned to me and said, “You look damn beautiful, girl.”
I said nothing.
“Just tell me why? Ara, why did you wait until you made it to the altar?”
A rise of heat flooded my stomach, shaking my insides. “I don’t know.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but let it out with a huff. “Do you still want to marry me—ever?”
“Mike,” I whispered. “I just—I want you to be happy. I’ll never be that girl; the one that loves you and only you, the one who can think of no one else in the world.” I rested my chin to the cold satin dress over my knee.
“I was okay with that, Ar. The heart takes time to heal, I—”
“No.” I paused and looked at him. “When I kiss you, I should only see your face. But I...well, I...I’m not her, Mike. I fell in love, but he’s gone now—and I can’t move on. I can’t love you when it will never be openly.”
“Ar—”
“No. I want better for you—you deserve better.”
“Don’t you think that’s a decision I should get to make?” More agitation than I’d ever heard before filled his voice, making him seem more fragile in the darkness without the expression on his face to simmer it down. “Ara, I was happy with you. I know you’ll never be over him. But it was enough for me.”
But for this small amount of time, while no one knew where I went or why I ran away, I could pretend I was just here to meet David. Pretend I was never kidnapped by his vengeful brother—pretend I was never abandoned by him while I laid helpless in a hospital bed.
With a steady hand, I pushed off the bark of the tree, and when the rock came into view—the black one we used to sit by—my heart jumped in my chest. That rock was once a place I could look to and see David, either leaning against the base, the rug splayed out under him, or sitting atop, with my guitar. He wasn’t there anymore, but the memory remained.
I suddenly felt so small and alone in the vast wilderness, under the tall, green-filled branches of the trees. The wind brushed softly over my wet dress and chilled my skin. I rubbed away the tiny bumps then lifted my skirt over my hips as I climbed onto the rock—almost as if I were climbing into David’s arms.
And alone, finally here where I never thought I’d return, the open sky and the thunder gave more weight to the decision I just made. The base of my dress dripped, the last of the rain abandoning the fabric, and I traced my index finger over the empty place where my engagement ring had been only an hour ago.
Poor Mike. He’ll be beside himself. No one knows where to find me, but they’ll be searching. Concerned.
I wish they could let me grow up; realise I can make decisions for myself. I need everyone to stop trying to protect me all the time. I need to be allowed to fall down and figure out how to get back up again. They all watch me so closely; waiting for that moment I might need them to protect me. Going to Perth was the only way to escape that. Now, I can never return there. Mike was my only link to that place, but I no longer have a home to go to in his arms.
While a minute hand ticked inside my head, I tried to find some conclusion in all the confusion, seeing time pass before my eyes. Without Mike around, Dad and Vicki will watch me even more closely. I’ll never be free while I’m living under Dad’s roof—under anyone’s roof. But I’m eighteen now. He doesn’t really have a say over me. I might still be a child here, but if I were in Australia I’d be a legal adult now.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I have to move away—away from home, away from all of it. Mike, parents, school...and love.
When my mum died, she left a small inheritance, one that, until now, I’d refused to accept—envisioning it as blood money.
But it’s not. And I see it all so clearly; see it more as a safety net; one last helping hand from my mum—the last help I will ever get from her.
I nodded as the thought became a brighter, more formed idea in my mind; I’m going to buy a house—away from Dad and Vicki, away from Perth. I’m going to start my own life, stop searching for somewhere I belong, and make a place for myself in the world. Make something right, for once.
I can’t take back what I did to Mike, and I’m not sure I can ever face him again either. He’ll be in pain for a really long time, but it would be worse if I pretended to be happy with him. He can have a chance now to find real love and have a girl love him back just as much. He deserves that—he’s a great guy. Just not the one for me.
I was wrong to say I’d marry him. I made a huge mistake. I hugged my knees against my chest, tugging the fabric of my wedding dress as it pulled downward—trying to force me off the rock. While I sat, the sky turned orange over the treetops, and the leaves that were green in the sunlight became dark, shadowy, as they rested on the backdrop of the descending night.
I was just coming up from my thoughts, wondering how I was going to get home, when I thought I heard something. I held my breath and tuned my ears to the sounds around me. The birds had stopped chattering, the crickets no longer played their sunset ensemble, and the breeze retreated with the storm. “Ara?”
An invisible rock landed on my shoulders. Crud! They found me.
“Ara-Rose?” he called again.
A minute passed before I heard footsteps trudging through the muddy ground—just near the tree line.
“Ara?” his voice sounded echoed, as if he were calling through cupped hands.
I sighed heavily. “Mike?”
“Ara?”
“I’m over here.”
Nothing but a bulky silhouette showed in the shadows near the trail. The dark made him look menacing and creepy. He sighed heavily, staying where he stood, lit by the soft green light of a phone beside his cheek. “Greg. I got her,” he said. “Yes...okay, I’ll bring her home with me. No—thanks, Greg.”
I turned away when the light withdrew as he dumped his phone in his pocket and looked at me. “Ara?” The word came out in a long sigh.
“I’m sorry, Mike.” I hugged my knees closer.
He hoisted himself onto the rock, shaking his head. But, then, he just sat quietly and watched the lake with me while the sunlight in the distance disappeared completely.
After a while, he turned to me and said, “You look damn beautiful, girl.”
I said nothing.
“Just tell me why? Ara, why did you wait until you made it to the altar?”
A rise of heat flooded my stomach, shaking my insides. “I don’t know.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but let it out with a huff. “Do you still want to marry me—ever?”
“Mike,” I whispered. “I just—I want you to be happy. I’ll never be that girl; the one that loves you and only you, the one who can think of no one else in the world.” I rested my chin to the cold satin dress over my knee.
“I was okay with that, Ar. The heart takes time to heal, I—”
“No.” I paused and looked at him. “When I kiss you, I should only see your face. But I...well, I...I’m not her, Mike. I fell in love, but he’s gone now—and I can’t move on. I can’t love you when it will never be openly.”
“Ar—”
“No. I want better for you—you deserve better.”
“Don’t you think that’s a decision I should get to make?” More agitation than I’d ever heard before filled his voice, making him seem more fragile in the darkness without the expression on his face to simmer it down. “Ara, I was happy with you. I know you’ll never be over him. But it was enough for me.”
